Page 8 of Dirty Little Secret

Nodding, I had to agree. “Yeah, it was.”

“All that happened a long time ago, Zandy. Why let it keep you from getting close to anyone now? Or let it stop you from having more kids when you want them?”

I rubbed my fingers over the black smudges on the back of my hand, trying to make them go away. “It wouldn’t be fair to that little boy if I had more kids. I gave him away. How could I ever expect him to understand that I had to give him up and then go on and keep any other kids? Like I just replaced him like he was nothing.”

“I doubt he’ll ever know you, Zandy.” She took me by the chin to make me look at her. “He will never know if you get married someday and have kids. Stop thinking that way.”

“I just … I can’t do.” I shook my head. “And there’s no way I could ever let a man into my heart anyway, Taylor. There’s an enormous hole there, where my little boy is supposed to be. My heart can’t hold a damn thing in it. I can’t keep anyone in my heart for long before they just leak out.”

“Therapy,” came her answer. “You need some help, honey. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Her calling me honey just made me mad. I got up and went to the kitchen, rubbing at my eyes one last time, making sure all the tears were gone. “I’m making celebratory margaritas. I’ve got a new job, a slamming apartment, and I get to work with you again. Life has never been sweeter.”

Taylor got up to follow me. I could feel her eyes staring a hole through me. “Zandra, seriously, you need to deal with this. It’s a big deal. I’m not even smart, and I know it’s a big deal.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “And it always will be. Whether I talk to a shrink or not, I will never get to see my son. I will never know if he’s okay or not. I will never, ever feel him in my arms. Mostly, I will never forgive my parents for what they made me do. Now, let’s get wasted, take a nap, and then get up and get ready to go to work tonight.”

It sounded like a solid plan at the time.