Page 54 of Direbound (The Wolves of Ruin #1)

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

T here is nothing but shadow. I feel it all around me, flowing through me, drawn into my lungs and seeping from my eyes. I float, not truly seeing anything yet sensing movement in the dark. Slow and heavy, like the rolling of a thick fog over frozen land.

Then, from all around me, a voice I know. A voice I’ve heard before during the maddening seizures of my mind as I slipped towards my mother’s madness. It comes from nowhere and everywhere, from beyond and from within. It sounds like a whisper and a scream, hissing over my skin and vibrating through my bones.

“ GET THE CROWN. ”

I gasp awake, teeth chattering. The air is cold. I’m lying on freezing stone. Harsh beams of light cut like needles through the darkness all around me. There’s a smell of smoke in the air. As my vision focuses, I realize that there’s a recently extinguished torch glowing, a slow curl of smoke drifting upward.

The slow realization creeps over my skin as I stare at it. The rough stone wall. The darkness. The smell of dirt and mold. The silence.

My head pounds as I return to myself through the fog, a particularly sharp throbbing centered in the back of my skull where I was hit. As I turn my stiff neck, it’s clear.

I’m in the castle’s dungeons.

At first glance, the cell is discouragingly secure, with solid stone walls and thick iron bars separating me from freedom.

I swallow around the lump in my throat, tasting copper on my dry tongue. Slowly, I sit up, keeping my eyes shut to block out the swimming of my vision. I shiver, clutching myself, clenching my teeth.

Then a subtle warmth settles my swirling mind. Anassa. I turn, wincing when my head injury announces itself once again. The moment my eyes land on her, an instinctive calm settles over me. The bond settles as my eyes move over her massive, lithe form. She breathes steadily, sitting up and alert, staring at me.

I scan her for injuries, but she seems alright. She must have healed herself after that blow. Her fur is slightly dirty, but I expect that’s from the battle. Except… in the lingering light of the torches’ cinders and those sparse beams of light, I can make out a band of darkness around her neck.

Wincing again, I crawl closer. When I’m beside her, I can make it out better.

A collar. A ring of blood-red metal encircles her throat. My vision flickers when I stare at it too long, the air around it appearing to pulse and shiver with energy. My headache escalates to a stabbing pain as I study it, so I rip my gaze away, looking up into her eyes.

She says nothing, watching me closely. But when I crawl up to her side and sink my hands into her fur, she lowers her head and sniffs my hair. Her nose nudges the side of my skull, my injuries. Heat spreads across my scalp as she heals them.

I bite back tears and sink into her warmth, leaning against her massive side as she breathes in a comfortingly slow rhythm. I press my forehead against her fur, shutting my eyes.

The pain in my head has eased, but I can’t say the same for my heart.

Every time I start to think about Killian’s face when he betrayed me, remember that cruel look in his eye, the sheer horror of it…

No, I can’t even think about it, or I’ll be sick.

“How long have I been out?” I whisper, trying to focus on here and now.

“ Too long, ” she replies. She rests her head on her legs, curling her tail close. “T he metal prevents me from communicating with Strategos. But it would seem our connection remains intact. ”

I breathe out in relief, scrubbing the back of my hand over my face. It’s strange, after spending so much time resenting the bond, but the thought of no longer being able to hear and feel Anassa sounds like a… grievous violation. Being broken away from my pack, as Alpha, is terrible, but I know in my marrow that without Anassa, it would be worse.

Losing her would be like having my soul cleaved in two.

“ Why are you relieved? I said I cannot reach our pack ,” she says coldly.

I pat her side and lift my head, not bothering to work through or explain my little epiphany. I reach up weakly to touch the cold iron bars of our cell. It wasn’t long ago that I was desperately clinging to Saela through bars just like these.

What happened to her, after everything?

Is she still down there? Still trapped, just like I am?

I failed her again. And this time, I might die for what I’ve done.

The sounds of boots echoing on stone echo from down the hall, and I tense up. Anassa’s hackles rise over the bond before I even see who’s coming, but it’s enough warning. The cell door creaks open.

Killian enters alone. I can see dark figures in the shadows, though, lurking behind him. He wouldn’t step into a cell with a murderer without protection, I suppose.

Killian is dressed formally, in the same rich blues and shining embroidery. Except now, the wolf-pommel sword rests glinting at his hip, his hand wrapped around the hilt. And something seems… slightly off about him. Maybe it’s the dim dungeon light, but I swear…

He steps forward. As he does, his face passes through one of the sparse beams of light from above. For a single instant, when the light hit his eyes, they looked ghostly, like the bright blue of winter ice. But as they slip back into the shadows, they look normal again.

Almost. Are they different?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything. What I saw. What I did.

What Killian did.

He shouldn’t be standing here like this, looking concerned and caring. He threw me in here. He?—

“Meryn,” he says softly, and his voice is so gentle. It has me questioning everything all over again. The man standing in front of me can’t possibly be the same one who stared at me in horror in front of an arena of people.

The one who smiled at me with such cold cruelty in his eyes.

He approaches me with cautious steps. “I need you to tell me the truth, kitten.”

“O… kay.”

“Why would you have done such a thing?” he asks, brows twisting in pain. His gaze is searching, flitting over my face for answers.

Answers he should already have.

Frigid shock locks my muscles up. “What are you talking about, Killian? We had a plan !”

Killian’s face pinches with anguish, and he hushes me. Then, he reaches out slowly to cup my cheek, thumb stroking gently. His touch is warm and familiar. Despite my confusion, it calms my thudding heart.

“I’m worried about you,” he whispers, his voice turning slightly raspy with emotion. “I’m… so sorry, Meryn, but I’m truly frightened for you.”

“Wh-Why?” I choke out. “You can help me,” I say. It sounds like I’m begging, but I have no choice.

I’ve killed the king, and I need help. I need my betrothed back, the man I love. I need his support, his understanding. My eyes start to burn.

“No, it…” He winces. “It’s your mind, Mer.”

My breath catches in my lungs. I start to shake my head, but he catches my chin and guides my gaze to his.

“I did my best to ignore the signs. I wanted to believe you were alright. The thought of losing you…” His eyes well slightly. “I saw your mother at her worst. I didn’t want to look into your eyes and no longer see the woman I love looking back. But it was wrong. It was wrong of me to deny what was happening out of fear. I should have helped you.”

“Killian, I’m not?—”

“This has all been too much for you, the Trials. You lost your mother , Meryn. And you didn’t have your sister to grieve with. You’ve torn yourself apart, looking for her. The stress you’ve been under.” He looks like a man standing over an open grave. “It pushed you over the edge. Something broke. I can see it even now, in your eyes.”

He thinks I’m mad.

He’s looking at me with the same pain, the same pity, the same grief that I saw in the mirror every time Mother went through an episode.

The only thing keeping me tethered to my body is Anassa. Her disgust at Killian’s words pulses through the bond. “ Do not listen, ” she growls. And again. “ Do. Not. Listen. ”

“Killian, I’m not making this up,” I insist, gripping his wrist tightly. “We decided to do this together. We planned it in my room. We talked for hours.”

He shakes his head. “Meryn?—”

“What are you saying?!” I shout, my desperate voice ringing through the cell.

He flinches at the sound of it, glancing back at the guards warily.

There it is again. That embarrassment.

I know that feeling. I felt awful about it, but sometimes I looked at Mother and felt shame.

“I’m saying, Meryn, that we never had this conversation that you’ve imagined.” He kisses me softly on my forehead, and my raw revulsion and fury at the brush of his lips turns my stomach. I can’t tell if it’s coming from Anassa or my desperate need to cling to sanity.

“I’m sorry. I had to detain you here. There are people calling for your head, and imprisoning you was the only way to keep you alive until I can… find a way. For your safety. For the safety of others. You killed the king, after all,” he tells me.

My mouth drops open. My chest feels like it’s being crushed, like the whole massive weight of the castle and all its people above us is pressing into me.

“I know it’s hard to believe, standing in this place,” he says, forced levity lifting his voice up. His smile is weak. “But I still love you. I’d love you through anything. I know what you did in the arena wasn’t you, and I can’t…” He shudders through a breath. “I can’t give up on you. I’ll take care of you, if you’re willing to try to get through this with me.”

Anassa screams in my mind. Her voice rips and tears. “ LIAR! ”

Killian leans in. His lips meet mine. Warm. Soft. Awful. I don’t want to be kissed. Why would he think I wanted to…?

I push him off weakly, my hand pressed to his chest.

The movement cracks his expression. A tiny sliver of something ancient and cold flashes across his face—a glint of his eyes, a tightening of his jaw—before disappearing again behind concern and affection.

He straightens, radiating gentle love. “Sorry,” he says quietly. “I’ll send someone soon to check on you and bring you something to eat. And I’ll visit again soon. I promise. Call the guards if you need me.”

As I watch in silence, the cell door clangs shut behind him and his guards retreat.

I saw him this time. Really saw him. I know I did. I can still conjure the jagged edge of his mask when it broke in two.

It’s pressed up against my throat, threatening to slice open my jugular.

I start to tremble, the betrayal and confusion and shame and pain all catching up to me. “I am not insane,” I whisper aloud because I need the words to be true.

Affirmation ripples over the bond. Anassa’s tail brushes my shins. It’s the first genuine gentleness I’ve felt since Killian arrived.

Turning, I look into her eyes and speak silently, worried my voice will carry over the stone and reach whatever guards he might have posted beyond the cell block. “ Did you know? That he was capable of this? You’ve warned me not to share too much with him. ”

She stiffens.

“ You never gave me a reason. You never give me anything, ” I say, curling my hands into fists. Her ears flick backwards in agitation. “ You still won’t, will you? ”

Anassa just stares at me. It infuriates me, initially, until I realize that her stare is less disdainful and more… patient. I’d never have thought her capable of it, but here we are.

“ Talk to me ,” I beg, willing to return that patience. Willing to forgive, if only she’ll decide I’m finally, finally worthy of the truth.

But she only stares.

The spark of anger returns, twice as bright. “ You realize this is why I put my trust in him over you? You’re supposed to be my partner! My direwolf. My Bonded. But you can’t even be honest with me. All this time, and you haven’t even told me who your mate is or let me in on your connection with them at all! Don’t you realize how lonely that makes me feel? ”

Her eyes light. Her massive body shifts closer to me, and a surge of precise attention comes from her. She stares like I’ve just thrown the key to my cell at her face, like I’m uselessly tossing aside something vital.

I try to backtrack, to understand. And then it hits me like a direwolf at full-sprint, flattening me. I grip the cell wall for support as my eyes dart to the pulsing collar at her neck.

“ Are you still able to communicate with your mate? ” I ask.

“ Yes ,” Anassa confirms. “ The collar was not created with mating bonds in mind. It seems to only block the pack bond, in case you sought to utilize your station to escape. ”

I’m still breathing hard and flushed from my outburst, but my heart rate is slowing. It felt good, finally shouting at her for the shit she’s put me through. The petty anger is a distraction from my bottomless pain and rage over Killian’s betrayal, which thrums low and insistent at the back of my mind.

But then she stands, her massive form taking up most of the cell. She pads closer to me, bringing her nose close. Her eyes bore into my soul. Her voice is smooth, unforgiving but lacking outright hostility. “ Trust goes two ways, Meryn .”

My cheeks heat. I can’t stop my hand from reaching for her, fingers tangling with the fur beneath her jaw.

“ You say I have given you nothing. What have you given me? ” She stares just the same, patient and knowing. “ You demand I show you my mate in the light, yet you hide away with your prince in the dark. ”

“Anassa,” I breathe, eyes widening.

“ You may not trust me fully, but I cannot trust you, either. This is why I kept my mate a secret. I could never be certain that you would not have taken his name to the prince. ” She lifts her head. My hand falls from her fur. “ Regardless, it has benefited us. He has not thought to ward us against mate communication. ”

I let out an aggravated breath. I’m still frustrated. I can’t stop the torrent of emotion entirely, especially because Anassa’s own irritation is starting to create a feedback loop.

But a part of me knows that nothing she’s said has been wrong.

“ And is your mate here? In the castle? ” I ask.

“ Yes .”

“ Who is it? ” I try.

Foolish of me to attempt to get a direct answer out of her, I suppose. She merely shakes her lupine head and says, “ Perhaps you’ll know soon enough .”

Okay, I get the hint. I take a slower breath and lift my head. “ Please, contact your mate now and tell them we need help. Have them get in touch with Venna. I know my trust has been misplaced with Killian, but I truly believe Venna will help us. She can help your mate and their rider get around the guards. ”

A tingling awareness shivers over my spine. My soul reaches for something, and my mind jumps unexpectedly to the voice that woke me, demanding I retrieve the crown.

If Killian wants me mad, fine. I’ll use this pain, too, and trust my dream.

“ Tell your mate that there is a crown buried under the arena, in the drain at the center. They need to find a way to retrieve it and bring it here, ” I say, knowing that it’s right.

Anassa’s gaze is sharp. “ Is that a direct order? ”

There’s an edge to her tone that carries hidden meaning. Her body is stiff. Her ears trained towards me. Her intensity tells me that her question is important. That the answer is important, too.

My spine tingles again. Looking into her eyes, I know suddenly that it needs to be an order.

“ Yes. Anassa, I order you to tell your mate where the crown is. I order your mate to get the crown and bring it here, to us. ”

Anassa looks away from me for a moment. Energy buzzes in the air. Then she looks back at me.

“ It’s done. ”