Page 53 of Didn't See That Coming

“Well, he just came home from a date with a really pretty, really smart girl. And the first thing he does is playWarfront Heroes?”

“Sounds pretty normal for a hetero male. You do realize they are very inferior creatures, right? What did you expect, a heart-to-heart conversation breaking down every detail of thedate?”

Yeah, actually. But it did sound stupid when Cassie put it that way.

“Go play with him. I’m gonna raid your closet.”

I type out “OK” and go to my desk to fire up my laptop. Behind me, Cassie stays true to her word and starts rooting around my closet with abandon. We get in a queue for the next available battleground.

Dudebro10:So how did your coffee thing go?

Is that casual enough? Is it something a guy would say to his totally platonic guy friend?

Sourdawg:Haha, can’t believe you remembered!

My sweet Liam, I have been obsessing over it for the past two days, since I was cursed into signing the girls up with the Lil’ Aunties.

Dudebro10:Haha, yeah, I just randomly thought of it

Sourdawg:It was OK

Okay?Okay?!What does that mean? Luckily, I’m spared from digging for more details, because Liam continues typing.

Sourdawg:She’s rly pretty

Kill me now.

Dudebro10:Haha, cool! What did you guys do?

Sourdawg:Had coffee, chatted, the usual

Dudebro10:That sounds awesome!

Argh, that was probably way too strong.

Sourdawg:Yeah, it was great. She’s a rly cool person

I’m nearly overwhelmed by a sudden surge of resentment toward poor Triss, who has been nothing but kind to me.Stop it, self.I don’t want to be the kind of person who sees other girls as competition. Deep breath in. Triss has done nothing wrong, aside from being her usual awesome self. I’m the one who’s a dirty liar who’s lied and keeps on lying to her supposed best online friend.

Dudebro10:I’m glad to hear it!

I type that through teeth gritted so hard I can hear my molars crack. Of course, the message comes out stilted and awkward and not at all sounding like something a teen boy would say. Or a teen girl, for that matter. I’ve somehow morphed intobusiness-speak. Next, I’ll start saying stuff like “I hope this finds you well,” and then he’ll think I’m some ancient millennial.

Just as I’m about to log off and quietly have an emotional crisis, Sourdawg sends another DM.

Sourdawg:But I don’t know if there was much chemistry there, to be honest

My heart grows to the size of a basketball. Never mind, that doesn’t sound good. It swells, is what I’m trying to say. It swells and swells, and I swear I’ve never felt this happy.

Dudebro10:Oh?

The most loaded “Oh?” in the history of “Ohs.”

Sourdawg:Yeah, it’s weird, right? Because I liked everything about her. She’s pretty, she’s so smart, and she’s rly funny too

Come on, let’s get to the “but”!

Sourdawg:But…