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If I hadn’t, she’d be dead.
After the incident in May, I’d had two more episodes. Two more times where she had to leave the realm of my equal and assert command over me. I’d told her how to say it, what tone of voice to use.
“Take your fucking hands off me, Operative Fox. Stand down this instant.” She cried every time she had to yell it, but at least she was alive. I didn’t begrudge her the power over me. It was the only way to love her and not chain myself twenty-four seven. Sleeping with handcuffs was bad enough.
“Maybe when they’re older, dobycha. Don’t make me. Not tonight.”
Her eyes flashed and the strength I loved about her tensed her body. “Tonight, Roan. It’s important.”
I wanted to scream at her not to push. This was one instant where I didn’t want her help. I needed time. Time to get my head straight and hope to God I had control. I stupidly hoped I could wait till the twins could speak and teach them the command to stop me.
That way my family became my handlers and they would all be safe from me.
I’m a fucking Rottweiler on a leash.
“Don’t.” I glared at her. “Leave me alone. Let me keep them safe the only way I know how.”
Her jaw clenched.
I leaned forward, encroaching on her space. “Think for a moment. You want me to hold two very innocent, very tiny human beings. You want me to touch new life while barely containing the violence of my past.” I jerked a hand through my longish hair. “You should know not to ask for miracles, Zel. Every night you try to push me to snuggle. To see if I have the strength to sleep with you in my arms.”
I leaned further, breathing hard. “Tell me what happens. Tell me how successful I am at holding you tenderly and sweet.”
Her gaze skittered from mine, sadness mixing with anger. “I don’t need to tell you what happens. We both know you’re getting worse instead of getting better. But…” She plucked the bedspread, eyebrows drawing together. Finally she looked back into my eyes. “If it’s getting worse don’t you think you should hold them now? In case you can’t at all?”
I hated that I’d lumped her with half a life. Half a man who could fuck her but never make love to her. A man who wanted nothing more than to give her everything all while my past tried to steal her future. I feared every day that she’d grow to hate me for my shortcomings.
I shook my head. “No.”
Zel clutched the covers. “Don’t be scared. You can do this.” She played the card that always made me bend to her will. “I trust you.”
It was an aphrodisiac to me. Gaining her trust. Doing things to justify that trust.
“You’re destined to kill me, aren’t you?” I groaned, dragging a hand over my face. She’d won and she knew it.
She smiled softly, her beautiful lips distracting me. “Not killing you—making you live.”
“Fine,” I snapped. “But be prepared to stop me if I can’t control it. I can’t handle the thought of hurting them.”
She nodded. “You have my word. I’ll watch you like an over protective mother.”
Ever so slowly, I drifted toward the two small cots. I looked upon two tiny raisin-like faces. One pink hat. One blue.
So tiny. So small.
Vasily and Vera.
Named after my brother and mother. I’d asked Zel if she wanted to call our daughter Clara, but her face had tightened and tears glossed her eyes. She said Clara was unique, and no one could live up to her name.
But then her gaze had come alive and she offered me the world. She proposed to call them after my lost family, I had to walk out of the room and hide my suddenly burning eyes. I’d turned into a fucking sap. I wanted to buy her every fucking jewel on the planet to show how much the gesture meant to me. I still hadn’t told her about my lineage, or that the twins were now twenty-fifth in line to an obscure royal family who would never be recognised again.
Zel sat higher in bed, watching me. “Hold them. They’re yours, Roan.”
She could’ve fooled me. Both had dark hair, no red in sight. Vera had vibrant green eyes like her mother, while Vasily had ice blue just like his namesake. A small piece of me wrapped up in so much of Hazel.
I wonder if Clara looked so tiny when she was born.
My heart spasmed at the thought of the little girl who I missed with every part of me.
My eyes darted to Zel; my heart thumped like a crazed animal.
She sat higher in bed, face strained from the delivery and what I was about to do. “You won’t hurt them. Believe in yourself.”
But I will hurt them.
I was too big, too unpredictable. Some days I was fine—able to contain myself. Others, I was a fucking menace and spent the day running on the beach or hiding in the shower with a razor blade.
I loved my perfect world, but I was exhausted for trying to be just as perfect. No matter how hard I tried, I would never fit in.
“Operative Fox, you will hold your son right now,” Hazel commanded in the voice she knew would give me no choice.
Obey. Obey. Obey.
“Goddammit, Hazel.” I glared, hating her for a brief moment for using the power against me. “You broke your vow, dobycha. I don’t appreciate being made to do something that might end up destroying me.”
Her shoulders slumped but eyes flashed with green fire. “I’m doing it for your own good.”
My limbs were no longer mine to control. They’d been given an order and I had no choice but to move forward and obey. Damn her. Damn me. Damn everything.
I rolled my shoulders, trying to dispel my anger. I loved her for wanting to help, but I was pissed.
How dare she break her promise? How dare she force me to do this?
That’s why I hadn’t wanted another owner. Willpower was never my own. It sucked ass not having a choice over my own fucking destiny.
I stood vibrating, looming over the cots. Don’t do it.
Obey. Obey. Obey.
My muscles hurt with disobeying but they were so tiny. So vulnerable.
Zel sighed heavily. The bedding rustled as she moved against the pillow. “I take it back, Roan. Operative Fox, you no longer have to obey.”
The release on my body was instantaneous. The crippling urge to scoop up my infants gone in a gust of relief.
I sucked in a breath. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. But, Roan. Hold your son. You have to do it eventually. He can’t grow up with a father who won’t touch him.” She looked pointedly at the sleeping boy. “You’re the one who committed to this. So do it.”
I didn’t want to do any of this. I wanted the twins back inside Zel where they could be safe forever.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered.
“I heard that,” she snapped. “Watch what you say around them. You don’t want their first word to be a curse. And watch your emotions around them, too. You don’t want them to feed off your anger or frustration.”
I whirled to face her. “Then why the hell do you want me to pick him up! Aren’t I safer over here?” I stalked to the other side of the room, breathing hard. I hated the way my muscles wanted to obey and pick up the delicate bundle of baby, but I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have the strength.
I’ll kill him.
I’d be responsible for yet another death. Another murder of a life called Vasily. I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Do. It.
Zel huffed, looking like a queen in her blue nightgown. “Don’t make me command you again. Don’t think I won’t do it. You know you’ll have no choice and you need to make this your choice, Roan.” Zel’s face softened. “I trust you; otherwise I wouldn’t tell you to do it. As much as I love you, I wouldn’t let you near Vasily and Vera if I thought you’d hurt them.”
My heart swelled, and I almost fell to my fucking knees. It never got old hearing that she loved me. She—this perfect woman who put up with all my fucking bullshit. I also loved the way she said their names. It was like conjuring the family I barely remembered. Making me whole for the first time in my life.
Ah, fuck. She was right.
I had to do it. I had to face my fear and win.
Clenching my jaw, I moved back toward the basinets and bent over the tiny newborns.
With my heart in my throat, I placed shaking hands around the thick blue blanket and scooped up the lightest human being I’d ever held.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
The conditioning crescendod through me with the power of a wrecking ball.
My muscles locked down as I stood shaking and terrified. My jaw ached, battling the conditioning, forcing myself to hold on.
He was so light and tiny. So fragile. It was utterly dangerous for me to be anywhere near him.
Keeping him far away from me, I looked into his screwed up, frankly ugly, little face. The blue hat made him look like a shrivelled up old man.
You’re mine.
He’s mine.
The bond that exploded through my heart almost beat back the conditioning.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
“Support him against you.” Zel laughed quietly. “He’ll feel unprotected at arm’s length like that.”
What was this woman trying to do to me? Fuck this was hard. Turning to face her, I demanded, “You have him. I can’t do it.”
She pursed her lips. “You’re holding him. You can do this.”
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
My head shook wildly. “No. I can't. It’s back. It’s worse. I don’t—I can’t—”
Zel didn’t say a word, but her eyes gave me the final order.
Cuddle him.
How the hell could a machine like me cuddle an infant? Cursing my past and everything in my head, I slowly brought Vasily against my body and pressed him into the crook of my arm.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
The second his weightless form and barely there warmth hit my body, my world ended.
Wolves howled.
Guns fired.
Swords clashed.
A vortex consumed me, ripping me into shreds, tearing my brain apart. I hurled down and down into dark recesses of my mind, careening me from hospital room to the last clear memory of my childhood.
“Don’t go too far, Roan. Dinner isn’t far away, and your father will be home soon.” I smiled at my perfect mother. Reaching up to play with her red curls, I nodded. “I promise.”
I broke that fucking promise and brought the apocalypse on my entire family.
Trees creaked.
The moon shone silver.
My teeth ached as I fought, fucking fought, the conditioning
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
I’d never be free. I had to die. I had to kill myself.
“Roan! Roan!”
With my free hand, I clutched my skull as clanking bells echoed in my ears.
Louder and louder.
Bells and chimes and trumpets.
Every brainwash, every bar and chain I’d been trapped in started unravelling.
Faster and faster, padlock after padlock.
Every inch of my past and torture ceased to exist. Every switch and order that made me the obedient machine I was disintegrated.
Wind whistled.
Ice prickled.
Freedom fell like rain.
Every shackle and programed obedience slithered out of my brain, thudding at my feet with the sounds of clunking iron. Standing still, barely breathing in case it was all a dream, I burst into life as everything filthy and tainted in my mind erupted into flames and dissolved into ash.
Sun shone.
Butterflies flew.
Laughter filled my ears.
My world spun and spun. Throwing me out of my old existence, leaving me homeless and adrift.
Then a new world began. A world I never hoped dream for. A world where my thoughts were my own and nobody could strip them from me.
The vortex that’d stolen me from hospital to past dumped me back into reality. But it wasn’t the same one as before. It wasn’t the same subspace or even the same galaxy.