Page 24 of Delivery After Dark (Gansett Island #28)

John fixated on a framed picture of the seven Lawry siblings that his mother had hung on the dining room wall. “Well… It’s just that we, you know, were together, and all I could hear in the back of my mind was that voice, telling me all the reasons it was wrong and disgusting and?—”

“What?” Sarah asked, shocked. “He didn’t know…”

“Yes, he did, Mom, and he tormented me with what he knew every chance he got, and he still is.”

“No!” Sarah’s forceful tone took the others by surprise. “You will not let him have anything to do with this.”

“‘ Let him,’” John said with a laugh. “If only I could turn it off, but I’ve yet to figure out how.”

“I feel you,” Jeff said. “I turned to drugs to make it stop, but I’m certainly not suggesting you do that.”

John huffed out a laugh. “I’ve been tempted. Niall… He’s such a great guy. He’s been nothing but supportive, and I’ve treated him like shit. I’m sure he’s probably moved on by now.” That thought was profoundly depressing.

“I don’t think he has,” Charlie said. “I saw him in town the other day. He asked about you.”

John perked right up when he heard that. “He did?”

“Yep. Said he was worried about you. I told him we were, too, and that we were hoping we might get you to talk about it at some point.”

“Thus the meatloaf,” Sarah said.

The love and support from his family made all the difference, even if he’d been ambushed by them.

“I don’t know what to do,” John said. “I want to be with Niall, but I can’t bear the thoughts that run through my head when we’re together. It brings it all back…”

“We’ll call Kevin McCarthy in the morning,” Charlie said. “We’ll get you in with him to talk it out, and in the meantime, you should tell Niall what you’ve told us. I think it’ll make a big difference to him.”

“You think so?”

“I know so,” Charlie said. “That man cares about you. If you ask me, he looked heartbroken to not be in touch with you.”

“I hate that I did that to him.”

“It’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” Jeff said. “You just have to be honest with him.”

“What if it’s too late?”

“Then you learn from this and do the work with Kevin so you’re ready the next time you meet someone special,” Sarah said. “Either way, you have to heal yourself before you can move forward with any relationship.”

“If Niall cares like I think he does,” Charlie said, “he’ll wait for you to be ready.”

John couldn’t believe how much better he felt after talking to them. “Thanks, you guys, for, you know… everything. A lot of people don’t get this kind of support from their families when they come out. It means the world.”

“We love you, Johnny,” Sarah said tearfully. “We want you to be happy, and being with Niall obviously made you happy.”

“It did, until things got real, and the past intervened.”

“Let’s get that taken care of so it’s not an issue anymore,” Charlie said.

John nodded.

“Now eat your dinner, son,” Charlie added. “It’s your favorite.”

“Yeah, it is,” he said with a smile for the man who’d become a father to him at some point when he wasn’t paying attention. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Anything for you, my love.”

Niall had begun to wonder whether he’d be able to stay long term on the island he’d begun to think of as home.

Between his gig four nights a week at the Beachcomber and his day job as a producer at the Island Breeze Recording Studio, he was making a very decent living in the music business he loved.

But it was incredibly difficult to go through his days knowing the man he loved was close by but out of reach. Heartbreak leached into every corner of a person’s soul, and it was almost impossible to hide the misery from the people he saw every day.

Such as Evan McCarthy, his boss at the studio, who’d noticed something was off but had only asked if he was okay.

Niall suspected he was on borrowed time with Evan, that he could either snap out of the funk that was affecting the music or find another job.

Not that Evan had said that, but how long would he put up with a sad sack working with him every day without getting fed up?

Probably not much longer.

At the Beachcomber, Jace asked him every night if he was okay and had surely noticed he was drinking twice as much Guinness as he normally did while working.

What did it matter? What did anything matter when he’d had a brief moment of pure happiness, only to have it yanked away by the person who’d made him so happy? Nothing mattered anymore, and that ought to terrify him.

Even his parents in Ireland had picked up on his disturbed state of mind during their weekly calls.

His mam had asked him four times if he was sleeping, eating and getting by okay.

He’d reassured her that all was well, but he wasn’t fooling her or his da.

If he wasn’t careful, they’d be showing up on his doorstep to check on him.

They’d been there for a week in the summer and couldn’t afford to come back until next year, so he hoped they didn’t decide to come out of concern for him.

Niall hated feeling this way and having everyone asking what was wrong.

He yearned for the happy-go-lucky existence he’d enjoyed for years on Gansett before Johnny Lawry came along and turned his life upside down in a matter of weeks.

Having such an incredible connection with him and then having him go silent had been one of the most painful things Niall had ever experienced.

He supposed he was lucky to have lived for almost thirty years without going through true heartbreak. All his grandparents were still living, and his parents were robustly healthy, so he’d never lost anyone who meant everything to him. Until now. And it totally sucked.

He got home from another night at the Beachcomber and poured himself a nightcap of Jameson. The whiskey was a new addition to his repertoire and was the only reason he was able to sleep for even a few hours each night.

His time with Johnny ran through his mind over and over, like the rom-coms he used to watch with his mam in which everything worked out and the couple lived happily ever after.

Except his own rom-com had ended disastrously for reasons that were still very much a mystery to him.

Maybe if he knew why , he could find a way to live with it.

In the meantime, he was stuck in this purgatory of wondering what he’d done to drive off the one guy he’d truly connected with after years of first dates and relationships that went nowhere.

This one had been different, and he couldn’t help but think that’d been what had run Johnny off.

Big feelings brought big complications, and perhaps Johnny just wasn’t ready for that.

He’d only recently come out to his family, so perhaps he wasn’t as far along on his journey as he’d thought.

If so, Niall would certainly understand, but Johnny wouldn’t tell him what the issue was, so there was no way he could do anything about it or gain closure if they were done for good.

Niall sat in his dark living room, sipping his drink and wishing he could think about something else. Anything else. He missed writing new music and watching movies and reading a book once in a while. If only his mind could make space for something other than heartbreak.

How long would this go on? he wondered as someone new to it. Would it ease up in time, or was this it for the rest of his life? If so, how did he unsubscribe?

His phone chimed with a text, which gave him something else to think about for the ten seconds it would take to read it. When he saw Johnny’s name on the screen, he sat up so quickly he nearly spilled his drink.

Niall… I’m sorry. I’ve been dealing with some stuff that has nothing at all to do with you, and I’m very sorry for going silent on you.

It wasn’t fair, and I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me and never want to hear from me again.

If that’s the case, feel free to say so, and I’ll leave you alone.

I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. McCarthy to talk about some things that have kept me from fully embracing the life I want.

With you. I have no right to ask for time to get my shit together and to figure myself out so I can be fully available to you, but I’m asking anyway…

Just that quickly, the dark cloud Niall had been living under lifted, and the sun came out again, bringing him out of the deep funk and filling him with the hope and optimism he’d been without since the last time he saw Johnny at the Wayfarer.

He’d left that encounter with more questions than he’d had before, but now he knew…

He hadn’t done anything wrong. It had nothing to do with him and probably everything to do with the difficult childhood Johnny had endured with a violent, unpredictable father.

Johnny hadn’t said much about what’d gone down with the general, as they referred to him, just that it’d been horrific, and they were all relieved the man was in jail, where he belonged.

Niall stared at the phone, trying to think of what he should say in response. Johnny would be able to tell he’d read the message and was waiting for him to reply. He thought for a second about making him suffer, the way he had, but in the end he couldn’t do that. His response was two words:

I’ll wait.