Page 7 of Dear Mr. Knightley

Dear Mr. Knightley,

I thought about you last night and stayed up reading Emma .

I adore her, though she’s out of my reach.

Can you imagine such confidence and assurance of your own significance?

Do you know anyone who would dare declare that he or she “cannot really change for the better”?

I’d like to believe that—even for a moment.

But no, I gravitate toward Fanny Price, morally spot-on, but commonly thought dull.

Or Anne Elliot, demure and kind, not one to stand out in a crowd.

Or the ever-practical and sensible Charlotte Lucas.

Those dear friends I understand. I found my first copy of Pride and Prejudice on the ‘L’ when I was nine.

I loved Austen’s world. It was safe and I could breathe.

By the time I looked up, the book was disintegrating from wear and I had barely registered two foster placement switches.

My “inability to relate” caused a few headaches at the Department of Children and Family Services.

And that’s never changed. I’ve told you already about my similar failure at Ernst Cara found the apartment and a third roommate, some girl I’d never met, Jocelyn.

Hannah, who is now head girls counselor at Grace House, drove me to the apartment.

I knew the moment I stepped from her car that I’d made a mistake.

Hannah grabbed my wrist as we looked up at the building. People were watching us. We both felt it, though we saw no one. I hurried inside, trying to push away my feelings of exposure and vulnerability.

In the lobby, an acrid urine reek assaulted me.

That, combined with the clang of the metal doors and the greasy thin walls, made me feel six years old again and back home with Mom.

It felt so real. Have you ever confused your senses?

Something tastes like another thing smells?

This was one of those moments. I think I swayed, because Hannah shoved me against the wall and pushed me to my knees. The world turned blue.

“You don’t have to do this, Sam. Cara makes her own choices and you can’t save her. Come back to Grace House with me.” She rubbed my back, whispering in my ear.

“I’m fine. I just needed to catch my breath.” I pushed against the wall to stand.

“It’s more than that.”

“No. It’s my life now.”

“You sound like Cara. Are you going to quit school too?”

Her tone infuriated me. I had worked hard to get into college. “I’m not scared of work, Hannah. Grace House isn’t my summer camp.”

“But Grace House is free, Sam. How will you pay for this? The ‘L,’ your food, your rent? And it isn’t even safe.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve got my job at the library. I can study there. I’ve got part-time work at the White Hen near Roosevelt. I’ll carry pepper spray.” I clenched my jaw and moved around her.

You can only hear so much about options you don’t have. This wasn’t my dream, but it would do. The idea of going back to Grace House felt like failure . . .

We headed down the hall and into the apartment.

It was the size of an old school bus and just as yellow and decrepit.

The two bedrooms were no bigger than shoe boxes.

The walls held hints of buttercup, but age had soured them.

Or maybe it was the yellow light bulbs—everything held a bitter tinge.

There were bars on the grimy windows, one tiny moldy bathroom, a kitchenette, and a small central living room.

The yellow bulbs in there muddied the gray tones of the walls, carpet, and furniture.

Cara and Jocelyn brought in my duffel and tossed around their stuff to make room.

I just stood there—lonely and bereft. This was life—this was my future.

Hannah hugged me and left without another word or backward glance.

Cara grinned and took over commentary. I didn’t hear a word—as usual, I’d already retreated.

I figured this was how Nicholas Nickleby felt when he was forced to work at Squeer’s squalid Yorkshire School.

That was a dark, horrific place, where Mr. Squeer beat life and hope from his students.

And those few months beat the life from me too. Hope had died long before.

I don’t remember much, to be honest. I worked all the time, studied, and subsisted on granola bars, ramen noodles, and the semi-spoiled half-price fruit at work. My last White Hen shift ended at midnight and I rode the ‘L’ home to begin again the next day. Until one night . . .

Dickens wrote Nicholas a glorious exit from Squeer’s repulsive school. Young Nickleby beat Squeer with his own cane, freed the boys, and even saved one crippled boy’s life by taking him away. My departure was less heroic. I got the beat-down.

I still blush when I think about the names Cara called me as I packed to leave.

“I can’t stay here, Cara. I got fired. They said the holdup was my fault. Without the job, I can’t pay the rent.”

“So get another!”

“Do you know what that’s like? A gun held to your head? Your life doesn’t flash before your eyes; it stops. Mine stopped, and there was nothing, Cara—nothing in me. I didn’t exist.”

That’s what scared me the most, and the one thing I’ve never confessed to anyone before, Mr. Knightley. In those few moments, in that White Hen at midnight, I ceased to exist. I was alive, but there was no me. Is that what my boss at Ernst & Young discovered too?

“Grow up, Sam. Get more work.” Cara’s cold voice shook me.

“I can’t. I’d have to quit school,” I sobbed. I hated such weakness. Cara despised it too.

“Then quit! You owe us!” She grabbed my book off the counter and tore it to shreds. “You and your stupid books. Eat them, Sam. Live on that. We need your rent!”

“That’s all you need! That’s why I got my own room. It isn’t even mine. I know Jocelyn sleeps in there when I’m not here, and I bet you do too! I don’t live here. No one can call this living!” I’m not used to yelling, but I gave it my best shot. Austen would never approve.

“You’re never here! You wanna be here more? Quit school!”

“School’s all I’ve got. It’s the only thing that can change all this.”

“Ronnie says—”

“No. Don’t give me advice from Ronnie. I don’t care what he says or even what you think, Cara.

Not anymore.” My life felt like the torn pages scattered at my feet.

I needed to get back to school, get close to my books, and return to a life that made sense—even if that meant living at Grace House.

So I grabbed my duffel, shoved a few things into it, and left.

While Cara only wanted freedom from the “system,” my dream was for more.

I wanted “normal.” On the surface it means paying your rent, going to dinner with friends, sipping lattés at Starbucks, and working a good job with benefits.

Everything Ernst & Young offered, and everything I lost. But deeper, Mr. Knightley, it’s living a life that flows and is not dominated by worry or fear or scarcity. Isn’t that the American Dream?

And I still want it. I want it so badly I can taste it. But now I see the hint of more. If I can conquer Medill and journalism, then maybe I can achieve “normal” and actually like what I do—write for a living. Maybe this is the great leap that will work.

Sincerely,

Sam Moore