Page 130 of Dark Duet: Platinum Edition

Caleb winced. His heart felt even tighter. He hoped Livvie’s words meant he hadn’t lost her yet. Somehow he’d find a way to make it right with her and Rafiq.

“I was insanely jealous,” Caleb offered in supplication.

Livvie squeezed him for a moment then loosened her hold. “I know. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t.” She sighed.

“Why?” Caleb asked softly into her warm, wet neck.

“I’d rather make you happy, Caleb. I’d rather see you smile. Sometimes you smile, and I…” she paused, overwhelmed, “I forget about everything that’s wrong with you.”

Caleb wasn’t sure what to say, so he simply told her the truth. “I’d rather see you smile, too. In the beginning, when I didn’t know you…you seemed so sad. I watched you cry one day, and I thought, ‘I want to taste her tears’. I have a thing about them. I confess I’ve made you cry just to see your tears. I’ve gotten off on your suffering.” He swallowed.

“But now,” Caleb said, “I never want to see you cry again. I wish I could go back to the day on the street, the day you thought I’d saved you from the guy in the car, and just…let you believe I was your hero. You smiled at me so sweetly. You thanked me. I wish I’d just let it be.”

Caleb could feel Livvie taking deep breaths.

“I know it’s what I should want, too,” she said, “but I don’t. I accuse you of being fucked in the head, Caleb. The truth is… I wonder if I’m not fucked up, too. I should hate you, Caleb. Now I’ve decided what my fate will be, I should want to kill you. I don’t. I can’t imagine never having known you.

“Maybe it’s fate,” Livvie said, “if you believe in that sort of thing. Maybe you were supposed to meet me that day. You asked me once if I’d choose some other girl to take my place. I wanted to say yes.”

“You said no,” Caleb whispered. He thought about how it might have worked out with another girl – if he’d have the feelings he had for Livvie for someone else. He’d been conflicted from the start. He’d been ready to leave his life as Rafiq’s right hand behind until Vladek had resurfaced unexpectedly. Perhaps his emotions had less to do with Livvie and more with his desire to move on from his past. Nonetheless, he doubted it. Livvie was unique to him. Irreplaceable.

“I did, but I wanted to say yes, Caleb. If I had believed for a second you’d let some other girl suffer in my place…I think I might have said yes,” she said dully. “I’m fucked in the head, too. Even before I met you.”

Caleb let her words sink in for a moment. He didn’t believe they were true. Livvie was far from fucked up, especially while he was the standard. However, if Livvie chose to see some greater purpose behind their relationship and therefore not hate him, he was too weak not to let her believe it.

As the silence stretched on between them, Caleb became more aware of Livvie and her nudity. He ached to touch her, to make love to her, but there were more things he had to say first.

“I can’t erase my debt to Rafiq,” he said. Livvie tensed, but Caleb hurried his words along. “It’s not something I expect you to understand, but I can’t just leave.”

“What do you mean, Caleb? What does it mean, for us?” Her words were said without emotion, but Caleb knew how much she held in check.

“It means I have to make him understand. We’ll have to find another way, maybe another girl…” he began.

Livvie pushed at his shoulder and sat up. “Are you fucking kidding me, Caleb? Another girl? How could I live with myself?!?”

Caleb’s anger was returning. “You just finished saying….”

“That was before!” Livvie shouted. “I could never put someone through this. Never! Please, Caleb, see reason. Let me get dressed, and let’s get the fuck out of here and never look back.” She reached out with both hands and held Caleb’s face in a vise-like grip. “Please, Caleb. Please.”

Caleb stared into Livvie’s pleading eyes and for a moment he thought he might open his mouth and say yes.

“I expect obedience, Caleb. I expect your loyalty. Anyone who betrays me will only do it once. Do you understand?” Rafiq had said ominously.

“Yes, Rafiq, I understand,” Caleb had replied.

“I want to, Livvie,” Caleb whispered. “Aside from my revenge, I can honestly tell you, there is nothing I desire more than to take you away and find out what this thing between us is all about.” He reached for her hands and placed them in her lap before he stroked her hair affectionately.

“But, this is who I am. I repay my debts. Nothing comes before family, loyalty, duty, and honor. Rafiq is as close to family as I can remember, and I owe him. If you’re asking me to betray him…you can never accept who I am.”

Livvie shut her eyes tightly, seemingly processing the pain Caleb’s words had caused. He felt stupid and naïve. He should have known Livvie would be incapable of understanding him or his motives. Livvie was no monster, and she wouldn’t become one simply because Caleb was.

“Why does this guy need to die so badly, Caleb? What did he do? What is so horrible you’d dedicate your life and sacrifice your happiness to kill him? Help me understand, Caleb,” Livvie whispered.

Caleb looked at Livvie. Had he seen any trace of condescension, he would have told her to go to hell. But the only thing expressed in Livvie’s eyes was concern. He was surprised he even recognized it. Rafiq had never really been concerned for Caleb.

Rafiq had been Caleb’s salvation, his tutor, mentor, and sometimes friend. He’d clothed him, provided shelter and food. He’d nursed him from a traumatized whore into a dangerous man. Yet, Rafiq had always demanded his due. At the slightest hint of uncertainty on Caleb’s part, Rafiq never hesitated to remind him of his place. Caleb’s life had always been conditional. Rafiq’s favor had always been conditional.

Caleb had never questioned Rafiq’s methods or his authority. It had never mattered to him that Rafiq demanded blind obedience. He had always believed he was lucky to be alive and been grateful for Rafiq. Caleb was still grateful and always would be, but until Livvie, Caleb had never known how it felt to have someone care, truly care, for him.