Page 18

18

ELLIE

“You can’t spend the rest of your life hiding in the house and hoping that nothing hurts you,” Rebecca says as she sits forward on the lounger, wrapping her arms around her legs. “You need to get out of here and prove to that bastard that you’re still standing.”

I sip on the margarita, looking out at the sparkling blue water of the ocean just beyond the edge of the pool. “It’s only been a week.”

“A week too long.” She smiles and twists toward me, stretching one leg out to press her toe into my thigh. “You survived hell. You’re strong. Show them that.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, wishing that she would drop it.

When Sean said his sister was going to come over today to keep me company, I didn’t know what to think.

Things with Kara have been tense. I don’t know what Sean said or did after the attack, but she’s been keeping her distance from me.

Rebecca is the only person I have to talk to right now. She’s the only one who might understand what’s going on in my head.

I sigh, patting the top of her foot. “I know you mean well, but I don’t think I can go out yet. I want to—I’m going insane here— but it feels like stepping out that door is just going to be asking for another attack.”

Her smile softens, the corner of her eyes crinkling. “I know this is scary as hell. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, and I know that it’s going to take a long time to fully heal, but you can’t let it hold you back.”

“I feel like I’m safe here.”

Although, that doesn’t feel quite right either. I haven’t been able to set foot in my own room. I’ve been sleeping in Sean’s bed every night, but even with him there, I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

Rebecca shifts to the edge of the lounger, leaning closer to me. “Sean has to be annoying the hell out of you. I know he is. He’s nothing but difficult.”

Laughing, I shrug. “He hasn’t been so bad.”

She gives me a flat look, one eyebrow arching. “Come on, tell the truth. I know that he’s a lot.”

“Fine, he’s a little overbearing. He keeps hovering over me when he’s home like he thinks something is going to happen. He always has a security guard within eyeshot, and I’m sure there are more that I can’t see.”

“That sounds like all the more reason to get back out there and live your life. He’ll back off once you prove that you can handle this.”

I get up and cross the white stone patio to the intricate white and gold tiles that line the pool, sitting on the edge and dangling my feet in the water.

Rebecca gets up and sits beside me, her drink in her hand. “You know, I think you’re strong as hell for going through this.”

I sip the margarita, letting the tequila chase away some of the tension in my body. “Thanks.”

“It’s the truth. You married a man you don’t like. You’ve been attacked twice in a short amount of time, but you’re still here and still standing. That has to count for something, and I think you need to realize that. You have done everything you can to make sure that you’re going to be okay.”

“I was forced to get married.” The words sound strangled coming out of my mouth. It feels like I should still be angry about the marriage, but in the past several weeks, I’ve seen new sides of Sean that I haven’t seen before.

It’s terrifying.

“Noah can’t control your life forever,” Rebecca says softly as she traces patterns in the water with her foot.

I finish off the margarita and set the fluted glass to the side. “I’ve been thinking about getting out of here, but every time I do, all I see is those men taking me after I got out of work. Except it’s worse.”

“You have to trust the people watching over you.”

“I was never supposed to have people watching over me. I was supposed to get out of this life. Spend time being a nurse and helping people. Moving as far away from the mafia as I could and not looking back.”

“Well, I know about that, and it never works as well as you think it will.” She nudges me gently with her elbow. “You have to admit that living in a place like this is nice.”

“It’s something straight out of a movie, but there has to be more to life than a nice house and power over other people.” I send a small wave of water flying across the pool. “I miss nursing. I miss my life. I’m tired of being trapped under men’s thumbs, waiting for them to decide that I can or can’t do something.”

Her smile is sympathetic as she leans into me, putting her head on my shoulder. “Everything is going to be fine in the end. You’ll see that. Sean isn’t a controlling man. Not in his regular life. It’s just with the danger with Noah, he’s worse.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to see that.” I press my lips together, wishing that I was anywhere else right now. “Sometimes. He avoids me a lot unless it’s the middle of the night. I’m tired of being alone in this house.”

“I thought he was home most days.”

“In the cottage at the other end of the property. He’s told me that I’m not allowed to go down there. Not after I was there when he and Aiden were fighting and killing the man who hurt me.”

“Yeah, he’s having a hard time with Aiden right now.”

“My brother is an overbearing dick sometimes. He thinks that everyone needs to bend to his will, and he isn’t willing to let people do otherwise.”

Rebecca laughs and sits up straight before sliding into the water. She submerges her head, dark hair flowing out around her until she pops back up. “We both have families who like to be a bit overbearing.”

“I know.” I grin and get up, moving to the platform in the shallow end where the loungers are partially submerged in the water. I still have to keep the cuts on my shoulder out of the water, so the loungers are as close to swimming as I’m going to get.

“Just grin and bear it for now, and when things get better, you can start pressing him about moving on with your life. That’s what I do with Dad.”

“How is the moving out thing going for you?” I ask, guiding the conversation away from me and my life.

I’m tired of talking about all the things I can’t change. I wish that I could, but nothing ever seems to get better.

Which means that she’s right. I have to grin and bear it, and hopefully in time, life will change. It’ll get easier.

Rebecca groans, tilting her head back and looking at the puffy clouds drifting across the sky. “It’s not going well. He thinks that someone is out to get me and that they’re going to succeed if I leave.”

“Do you think he’s just worried about Noah?”

She shakes her head. “Dad isn’t the kind to worry about someone as insignificant as Noah. There’s something else going on.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.” She swims over to me, folding her arms on the edge of the platform the loungers are on. “One minute he tells me that I can’t move out because there are people out to get me, and the next he’s making comments about how I have to get out of here and go far away.”

My chest tightens thinking about how volatile Malcolm can be on a good day. I’ve seen it multiple times over the years.

One day, he can be fine, and Sean is happy coming over to the house, and the next day Sean is showing up with his arm in a cast because he looked at his father the wrong way.

“Do you think everything is alright with him?” I ask, tone gentle. Even though I want to tell her that he’s a bastard, Malcolm is still her father.

If there’s anyone who knows about complicated relationships with family, it’s me.

Rebecca combs her fingers through her hair. “I’m worried that there might be some early onset dementia. It runs in his side of the family, and some of the things he’s been saying sound just like the things my grandfather used to say.”

“I’m sorry.” I run my fingers through the water, sending small ripples back and forth. “Have you told Sean about it? There might be something he can do to help.”

She looks down, guilt flashing across her face. “I can’t tell him yet. I don’t think it would be a good idea at all.”

“Why not?”

“You know Sean.” She braids her hair to the side. “He’s going to jump to the worst possible conclusion because things are awful between him and Dad. And then there’s this heir issue between them.”

“Heir issue?”

Her eyes widen. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you probably shouldn’t have.” I sit forward, pulling my knees to my chest, my stomach already lurching. “What heir issue?”

“Dad thinks that Sean needed to get you pregnant yesterday and Sean is telling him that it’s none of his business. It’s not a normal day unless they’re on the phone screaming about it to each other.”

My stomach plummets to my feet. “I didn’t know about that.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve tried telling Sean that it’s something he should be talking to you about, but he thinks it’s better to just not say anything since it’s not going to happen.” Rebecca forces a smile and pats my thigh. “We all have crazy mafia leaders in our life. It’s just figuring out how to deal with everything that’s the hard part.”

“I almost didn’t have to deal with everything.” I hate the way my voice sounds so broken. It feels like the weight of the world is pressing down hard on my shoulders.

“What do you mean?”

“Aiden was going to let me out of the mafia life. I was going to be out on my own. Before the marriage happened, I nearly had him convinced, and now I’m right back in the middle of it.”

Rebecca hauls herself onto the platform, sitting down on the lounger with me, her soaking wet braid draped over one shoulder, the ends of it tangling with her blue bikini string.

“You’re going to have your own life again one day.”

“One day when this ridiculous war is over?” I scoff and lean back in the chair, closing my eyes. “I don’t think that is ever going to happen.”

“I’m sure it will one day. Things are difficult right now, but they’re going to get better; otherwise, what was all of this for?”

“I wish I knew.”

Rebecca sighs. “I wish that you could have the life you want.”

“If I’m being honest, I didn’t have it even before the marriage. I was working on getting it, but Aiden had me using the clinic to clean up his men after fights.” I bite the inside of my cheeks, trying to hold back the wave of emotions crashing over me. “If there was one thing I could do, it would be nursing. I miss it, but it’s impossible with the security team.”

Her hand closes over my ankle as my eyes open. “One of these days, he’s going to see what’s for the best. I promise.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Getting more involved with Sean is dangerous. It’s a dark world and he thrives in it. I saw the look on his face after he killed the man who hurt me. He liked it.

And while there was something attractive about knowing that he would do everything in his power to keep me safe, there’s also a little voice in the back of my mind nagging away at me.

That little voice keeps telling me that I’m going to spend the rest of my life trapped in a marriage with a man who will protect me, but he’ll never love me. He’ll never give me the space I need to be myself.

All I’ve ever wanted is my freedom, but now it feels like I’m never going to get it.