Page 21 of Courting the Duchess (Spy Society #1)

A laina left Lady Juliette’s home after plenty of sweets, tea bolstered with a splash of whiskey from Dr. McCullom’s sideboard, and more comforting conversation. She invited Alaina to stay with her if she desired to place some space between herself and her husband, but it was clear Lady Juliette didn’t wholeheartedly support the idea. Promising to consider everything they’d discussed, Alaina returned to Morton House intending to take a long soak in the tub before she made any decisions. Unfortunately, her return home was not without incident.

Her maid, Penny, was among the first to arrive in her rooms to help prepare the bath. Alaina was instantly transported back to the moment when Sterling had admitted to manipulating her staff to obtain information about her. It was mortifying, and she hadn’t felt so alone since the night of her wedding.

Cheeks flushed from embarrassment and anger, she silently allowed Penny to help her undress as the other maids worked in tandem to fill the brass tub in the bathing room with water boiled in the kitchens. Alaina waited until it was just the two of them before finally allowing her pain at the betrayal to seep free.

“Penny…have you ever divulged information about me to anyone? Are you aware of anyone on this staff who is particularly chatty about my habits?”

The maid’s brows furrowed as she shook the wrinkles from Alaina’s gown. “No, Your Grace.”

“Are you certain?” She leveled a stare at Penny.

The maid cast her eyes down and to the side. “It isn’t—that is, it is not uncommon for servants to discuss their employers with one another. It is how we ensure the best work.”

“That is not what I mean…but I think you know that.” The silence that followed was thick and dark. “It would seem that some words about my activities and habits have been released into the world and made their way back to the duke. This is not a new occurrence either. What do you know, Penny?” Alaina demanded flatly, a single tear breaking free and running down her cheek. It was astonishing that she had any tears left to cry.

Penny shook her head and attempted to deny any wrongdoing. The mottled flush on her fair skin, however, gave her away. “I swear to you that I have never reported to His Grace about your life.”

“Then to someone else?”

The flicker in Penny’s glittering eyes told Alaina everything. The maid’s voice quavered as she spoke, “There was one time shortly after your wedding when I was in the kitchens when the spice delivery came. One of the men noticed I was dressed as an upstairs maid and asked after you because some relative of his worked at the church and heard about the grand event. He wanted to know how the new duchess was acclimating, and he was so kind and so handsome…and I thought nothing of it. I swear that was the only time I’ve ever spoken of you to anyone.”

“I never thought you, of all people, would do that. You were there for me when—” Alaina’s words died on a sob, and she covered her mouth with the back of her shaking hand.

Faced with Alaina’s obvious struggle, the maid’s guilt was released in a great rush of garbled words and tears. Penny fell to her knees and cried unabashedly. “Please forgive me, Your Grace. I—I said only that your husband was a cold man who quit the country without explanation, but I did not doubt that you would recover. I revealed nothing more, I swear it. I am not the one who gabs at the market or barters tidbits of gossip for better deals.”

It was becoming clear just how na?ve Alaina had been. Her staff had presented a united front against Sterling’s intrusion into their household, but that didn’t translate to the kinship they felt amongst people of their own class. Her mother had always taught her that all staff gossiped amongst themselves, and she’d been an imbecile to believe otherwise, blinded by the support they’d all provided her in the early, solitary days of their marriage. In sending in his spies, Sterling had successfully found a way into her life. She felt betrayed, but to place the blame solely on her staff’s shoulders was unfair. She doubted they would have reported back to Sterling if they’d known him to be behind the questions.

“Please, please do not sack me,” Penny begged in a quavering voice.

Alaina heard the words, but her pain was too much to allow her to accept Penny’s pleas and apologies at that moment. She needed a little space and time. “Please,” Alaina said tremulously. “Leave me. I will bathe alone and dress myself for bed. We will speak in the morning.”

Her stomach was too queasy to contemplate food, her heart too heavy to consider facing anyone else that day. Despite her instructions to the contrary, a plate of food was delivered to her rooms. It sat untouched and congealed beneath its silver dome.

Instead, Alaina curled up on the window seat of her bedchamber, staring at the dark seam of the door adjoining her chambers to Sterling’s. Maxwell had informed her upon her return to Moton House that the duke had left shortly after their argument. It appeared he was still out.

And so, too agonized to sleep, Alaina there she sat for hours until, suddenly, there was a light.

She’d been momentarily startled by the golden glow, but what really made her heart pound was the quick, rhythmic sound of Sterling pacing like a caged animal, the smack of fabric as he ripped off his coat and threw it at the ground.

Alaina glared at the door, hot tears pricking the backs of her eyes all over again. How could he? How could the man marry her and then leave her? How could he spy on her and then blame her for keeping secrets? How could he think so little of her?

Not for the first time, the nasty thought that—had Sterling not been so selfish—she could have been free to marry another; she might already have a family by now. But then…

Then she wouldn’t be herself .

She’d spent so many years learning how to break free of the box of obedient wifehood her family had built for her and then Society had reinforced. She’d likely still be trapped there if she’d had a husband watching over her shoulder. Part of her might hate Sterling, but she also hated that, at the heart of it, there was something noble about the reason her husband had left. Of course, he’d gone about it all wrong, but he had been young and foolish. Stupid man. He’d wanted a life with her, but he’d also recognized duty and commitment to the greater good. It was begrudgingly admirable. And, honestly, he had tried quite hard to make things right since his return.

Against her better judgment, Alaina padded to the door and opened it slowly, fully prepared to slam it shut if something heavier than a waistcoat was chucked in her direction.

Sterling whipped around at the sound of the door. His chestnut hair was remarkably disheveled, there were bags beneath his striking eyes and lines bracketed his mouth, his cravat was half-undone, and his cuffs hung loose. A brief moment of tenderness and relief flickered across his face before he hid it, and it struck her like the first licks of fire on a January night; it stole her breath and then made her heart race with wonder and life.

He straightened his shoulders and executed a futile effort to smooth his hair. His movements lacked all their usual grace. She was unused to seeing him in such disarray…

Their argument must have affected him tremendously.

The realization left her feeling at once guilty and powerful, but she clutched her anger to her breast. She could not forget what he’d done; she’d let down her guard once only to find out there had been an even deeper level to his betrayal. She didn’t know if she could weather that again.

Without greeting her, Sterling stomped over to his discarded coat and sifted through its silk-lined inner pockets until he found what he was looking for. The garment was then dropped back into a crumpled heap.

He closed the gap between them with surprising swiftness, holding out a small, folded bit of parchment between his two longest fingers. Like a cowed child, he didn’t meet her eyes. Several heartbeats passed where they stood like that: Sterling offering her no explanation other than his outstretched hand and Alaina unsure what to do next.

Finally, she plucked the paper from his fingers and retreated a few paces. It made her ache to be too near to him.

“You’ll have your wish soon enough.” Sterling’s voice was rough and raw, unlike anything she’d heard from him previously. He pivoted on his heel and crossed to the far side of the room.

Confused, Alaina hesitated another moment before unfolding the parchment, noting the broken, unmarked black wax seal. Inside, she found rows and columns of strange numbers and runes.

“What is this?” She frowned, turning it this way and that, but unable to decipher it.

“Well, you were unsure if you could believe the truth of my life in espionage…you are holding your proof.” He tipped a stubbled chin toward the paper she held. “At least, as tangible proof as I can offer.” She caught a sweet waft of brandy as he paced a couple more laps before dropping to the edge of his mattress, scrubbing at his face with his hands and resting his elbows upon his knees. It was the posture of a man defeated, and Alaina didn’t think it suited her husband at all.

“What does this mean?” Alaina asked, moving several paces closer. A tendril of alarm began unfurling in her stomach. “What does it say?”

“Essentially, I’m being sent back to the Continent.” He spoke without lifting his head. “And you’ll be free of my presence once more.”

The pregnant silence that followed was unbearable. It ticked on far too long for either of their comfort, but what was there to say? He was right; contrary to the years before, Alaina had spent much of the last several weeks wanting nothing more than for Sterling to disappear and leave her be. Now, after what had lately transpired between them, it was far more complicated.

How had her life become so much more complicated since his return? She’d once been optimistic enough to desire his return to London. Now…

She’d learned Sterling was not who she’d believed him to be. He was vastly more complex than the man she thought she’d married, and yet, he seemed to be his most open, his most vulnerable with her. He’d made it clear that he wanted to be done with being a spy—that he wanted nothing more than a simpler life with her—but this letter in her hand supposedly offered him a chance to disappear once more.

“Do you have a choice?” she whispered.

There was another lengthy pause.

“I have a choice, but I am going to accept the assignment. I meet with my contact in one week and will likely board a ship shortly thereafter, but I’ll have other accommodations made until then. I will leave tomorrow, so you needn’t finish packing up to stay elsewhere. This is your home and your life; it’s far easier for me to pick up and go.”

Alaina’s heart began racing…but not from excitement. Did he believe himself so disposable from her world that he could walk away without leaving behind a void?

“I’ll leave you in peace to live how you wish,” he continued. “I promise to bother you no further and swear to you I will send no one to obtain information from your staff. We will return to living separate lives if that is what you desire.”

“Is that what you wish?” she asked, surprising even herself.

Another pause as he lifted his head to pierce her with his arresting eyes.

There was obvious pain in his voice when he replied, “The only thing I ask in return is that you let me know if there will be a child.”

The note fluttered from her numb fingers, and she pressed a hand to her flat abdomen. Her heart leaped to her throat. Of course, Sterling would wish to know if their actions resulted in a child. He needed an heir. He’d expressed to her how he didn’t wish to impregnate her and then abandon her. He’d also made it clear how much he desired to start a family with her. And all of it was crashing down around him.

The look in his eyes broke her beyond what she’d believed possible.

“Is leaving what you want?” she eked out.

“The truth?” Sterling whispered.

Alaina nodded.

“No, I do not want to leave. The thought of it alone feels like a boulder upon my chest. I believed for a brief moment in time that I was finally home, that we could make a life together. I see now that I’d been na?ve to believe that and the myriad of mistakes I’ve made are insurmountable. And now I must go back to pretending to be someone I am not every minute of every day for an interminable amount of time.

“Even here, you now know the truth of who and what I am and have been, yet it is unacceptable. My real self is welcomed nowhere, so I may as well go where I can be of some use, and you can be free to move on. I will not interfere in your Reading Society. I will not be watching over your shoulder. I will send word to my solicitor that you are to be allowed to form a foundation to support the girls’ home. I will allow you to be entirely who you wish to be; it is the least I can do.”

“Do you really wish to have a life with me?”

“Like an idiot, I’d dared to hope.” He was weary and his voice cracked. “Please know, Alaina, that I am sorry. I regret my actions with everything in me and I will regret them until my dying day.”

Setting aside her anger and pain and frustration, Alaina approached Sterling where he slouched, dejected. She knelt between his knees and took his hands in hers. They were surprisingly cold.

It finally sank in for her how his time on the Continent hadn’t been as carefree or as easy as she and everyone else had been led to believe. It had been eight years of hiding who he was, of wearing a mask and behaving as he was expected to, of being separated from the woman with whom he’d thought he’d share a life. She’d never considered how draining that might be—especially for that amount of time. With her, he’d found solace and freedom he’d not known in so long. Who was she to deny him when his greatest offenses were trying to protect her from the potentially dangerous truth, misguided nobility, and doing what he could to look out for her when he was away? He’d been furious when he thought she’d continued keeping secrets from him, but hadn’t she done the same with him?

If she were brutally honest with herself, Alaina had a difficult time imagining Sterling out of her life once more…and it terrified her. Despite her resistance, they had grown accustomed to each other. He’d eventually worked his way into her life with his sweet presence and surprising attentiveness. She wasn’t just afraid of being alone again, she feared losing him .

They’d each made their share of mistakes and hurt one another, but they’d also done their best to work through it. The road had been rocky, but what Juliette had told her rang in her ears: love wasn’t always rational or sane, it made level-headed individuals lose control. Maybe it was her turn again to be a little bit insane.

“What if I do not want you to go?”

Sterling suddenly lifted his head from where he’d been examining their interwoven hands. “What?” he rasped.

“What if,” she repeated softly, self-consciously; “I do not want you to go?”

“Why wouldn’t you want me to leave?” he asked, his hands tightening on hers until their knuckles blanched. “I left you without explanation and then returned to disrupt your life. I accused you of keeping secrets without giving you a chance to explain—”

“And why shouldn’t I want you to stay?” She frowned at him. “Granted, you haven’t made the best decisions—especially when it comes to our marriage—but, at the heart of it all, you are brave and caring. You apologized and showed remorse. You told me you loved me. You were willing to sacrifice your own happiness and safety to leave the country to give me my space. I cannot conceive of any solid reasons why you shouldn’t stay. As far as I’m concerned, you are a hero, and you’ve dedicated enough of your life to the service of the Crown…it’s time to let someone else do it. We’ve lost enough time as it is.”

The slack expression on her husband’s face was blatant evidence of his disbelief. “Are you certain?” he murmured as if barely daring to hope. Her thumb caressed his large knuckle.

“Not that long ago, you swore to me that you would never leave me again. I fear I shall never forgive you if you break that vow. A woman has only so much she can tolerate.” She paused for effect. “I have faith that we can make this marriage work…so long as you do not expect me to be an obedient wife…” A wicked smile tugged at her lips. “Or dictate my reading materials.”

He stood abruptly, tugging her with him and into his arms. He pressed his mouth to hers, kissing her deeply, holding onto her as if she’d saved his life.

Sterling clutched Alaina to him, brimming with joy and relief so fulfilling it nearly choked him. He ran his hands over her, committing every delectable curve and hollow to memory. But, if he had any say in the matter, he’d never leave her side again and would never need to revisit this horrific day.

He fisted the fabric of her nightshift in his hands and created just enough space between their lips to ask if he could remove her clothing.

To his utter delight, Alaina’s response was to step back and rip the garment up over her head. He barely had time to appreciate the curve of her hips, the perfect globes of her breasts before her hands began to make quick work of what was left of his cravat and shirt.

Together, they fell back to the bed, a tangle of limbs and desire. Sterling leaned back, his gaze tracing every angle of her face.

“I love you, Alaina,” he breathed. “Not a day has gone by where I haven’t wished I’d never left you…and it’ll be the greatest regret of my life.”

Alaina surprised him by rolling him onto his back to straddle his hips. The warmth of her sweet core hovering only inches away from his groin was an intense sort of torture, but he’d have given anything to never have it stop. He would have spoken again, but she silenced him with a finger pressed to his lips and, instead, he settled for kissing the pad of her finger.

“We must agree that we cannot regret the past; it will only be a waste of the time we do have.” She leaned forward, her erect nipples grazing his chest exquisitely, making him hiss a breath through his teeth. “For now, you can go on apologizing, or we can start fresh and set about learning more about one another.” Her eyes locked onto his. “And I can show you how much I love you, too.” Sterling’s breath broke and it was a solid minute before he could speak.

She loved him.

All the years, all the mistakes, all the struggles suddenly melted away. It was just the two of them together, prepared to start anew and begin the life they should have had all this time. And they would do it with love.

“Speaking of learning more about one another…” He rolled Alaina beneath him and brushed her golden hair back from her face. “I’ve heard a rumor that you read some rather naughty books in that society of yours…and I’m dying to see what you’ve learned.”

She flushed instantly, laughing as she wound her arms around Sterling’s neck, and he kissed her with all the love he possessed.