Page 7

The clock on the bedside table read 6:29.

Confused, Jess pushed up in the unfamiliar bed and rubbed her eyes and then read it again. 6:29. The saturated evening light made a halo around the closed window blinds. There was no way she’d slept twelve hours. Not after sleeping nine on the way here.

No way. No. Way.

She swung her legs over the bed and pressed the soles of her feet against the soft carpet. Her back was sore, probably from lying in the same position for too long.

The silence threatened to drown her.

She could hear her thoughts too easily in a deep quiet like this.

Her house back home was probably reduced to rubble, and the Sister’s Edge Crew would be sorting through insurance paperwork. Not your house. Your room , the animal corrected. More like a cage. Your cage is reduced to rubble.

Jess huffed a breath. Well, at least the animal could say something other than, can you feel him ? It was progress, she supposed.

The carpet was so soft, it tickled her feet. Her skin was sensitive right now. The sheets were comfortable against the backs of her legs, and against the palms of her hands as she sat here with her arms locked against the mattress on either side of her hips.

Her hair was hanging in her face, and she shook it out of her way, then stood, and stretched. It felt so damn good.

Feeling groggy, she padded into the bathroom down the hallway and turned on the light, then noticed the gas station bag of toiletries she’d bought for herself while Kade had pumped the gas into his truck about an hour outside of Sister’s Edge. She traced the lettering of the logo. Oregon. Oregon felt a million miles away now.

She looked up at her reflection and yelped and then laughed at her rat’s nest of hair that had tangled on top of her head.

Her house was in a pile of rubble.

The thought dragged the smile from her lips. Inhaling deep, Jess traced the remnants of the biggest scar on her face from that damn car accident all those years ago. She wished that she could look in the mirror and see anything else, but even when she tried, her attention always drifted back to her cheek. Her make-up from yesterday was probably smeared off onto one of the bedroom pillows, and the big scar was red and angry looking. The doctors had fixed so much, but this one was stubborn. Her jaw ached from clenching her teeth in her sleep. The break there had healed badly. A vision of headlights coming straight for her made Jess flinch. The sound of shattering glass, and metal slamming against metal was deafening. She broke out into a cold sweat.

Why couldn’t she cut that damn memory from her head? It had been so long ago. God, she hated the scar-reminders in her reflection. She never wanted to think about it again.

He said Samuel killed Tanner.

The thought had her gripping the side of the sink. Jess squeezed her eyes tightly closed and tried to banish it from her mind. She didn’t want to think about any of this stuff.

She needed to stay busy. That was her coping mechanism—stay busy from sunup until sundown, and go to bed so exhausted, she didn’t have the energy to question her life.

She focused on one thing at a time.

Brush her teeth.

Brush her hair.

Wash her face.

Put her toiletries away.

On and on, and so forth until she felt as ready as she could be for the day, and then she made her way into the living room.

When she saw the coffee machine, she got a little excited. Jess looked around on instinct to make sure she wouldn’t get in trouble. In the house in Sister’s Edge, she rented the smallest room, because she was the lowest rank, and that siphoned down to a lot of things in that home. She was the last to get food if they were eating meals together. The last to pour coffee from the pot in the mornings, and often there was just a trickle left, and she wasn’t allowed to make more, because any extra would be wasteful, according to Samuel. She came last on everything, but a pairing would’ve fixed that. Her Promise to Kade would’ve put her first on many things, because he was Third. Not that it was important to her, but there were times when she didn’t get enough to eat or to drink that she thought it would’ve been nice.

Here? She could make her own cup of coffee with her choice of creamer, and no one could say shit about fuck about it.

She pursed her lips against a tremulous smile as she performed the wizardry that Kade had shown her on the coffee machine. She got a little insecure when it didn’t do anything at first, but figured out the little machine was just warming up the water.

She picked a caramel macchiato flavor of creamer, made with something called oat milk, but she was pretty sure oats didn’t have any titties to get the milk out of it, so while her coffee made itself, she did an internet search on oat milk just to make sure it wasn’t something weird before she drank it. It seemed harmless enough.

Plus, when she poured it into her steaming cup and took a sip, it tasted delicious. Way better than the powdered, fat free, sugar free kind Samuel insisted she and Misty consume to ‘keep their figures.’ That had always been weird to her because she was a shifter. It was hard to even gain weight. Likely, Samuel just needed a sense of control over everything. He’d been like that when she’d been reunited with him. Control was his gig.

Kade said he killed Tanner.

“Stop,” she gritted out.

I didn’t say anything , the animal answered.

“I’m not talking to you.”

Then who are you talking to?

How did she explain to her animal that her voice wasn’t the only one she shared her head with? She had her own thoughts, and sometimes she didn’t have the best control over them.

She knew her brother. He was controlling, and mean sometimes, but he wasn’t a murderer. Not like Kade was.

She didn’t know where to sit. There was no assigned seating, like at her other house—

Cage , the animal argued.

“House,” she said aloud, correcting her.

Jess could sit on the couch in the living room, or the loveseat, or the dining table in front of the window. The blinds were open above the kitchen sink, and outside, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

It was six in the evening, and she was doing her morning routine. She frowned down at her coffee. This was a bad idea. She would never get back to sleep tonight. But then again, she’d already slept for twenty-one, almost consecutive, hours, so probably she wouldn’t sleep tonight anyway.

With a shrug, Jess took another sip of coffee and noticed a piece of folded paper on the end of the counter, over by the pantry.

No one would get angry with her for turning lights on here and wasting electricity if it was just her, so she turned on the kitchen lights and made her way to the note, a flutter of confusing hope filling her heart with each step she took toward it.

Jess set the coffee down and unfolded the paper. A stack of money fell out. She counted out a hundred dollars in twenties. What the heck? She put the money down and read the note out loud. “Jess, I wanted to give you my number in case you need it. I’m shit at texting people back, but for you, I’ll probably try. Maybe.” She giggled and read on. “There’s a bike in the garage, and a couple of stores right outside the main entrance of the neighborhood. It’s an easy ride. Seriously, if you need anything, I’m just up the mountain. Thanks for trusting me. Just breathe. Kade.” She uttered his signed name quietly.

He'd scribbled his phone number at the bottom, and while she was thinking about it, she went and grabbed her phone, and saved that number, and also the one on Raynah’s note. She had contacts here. It made her feel a little better. Not so alone, and all.

She took his note into the bedroom and re-folded it and then placed it under her locket pouch. She was starting a little pile of treasures.

Just breathe. She smiled, and then nodded, and walked right through the kitchen and to the back door. She pulled it open and on the back porch, she sank right down onto a swinging chair that looked out toward the woods behind the house. There was a fence on two sides, but not at the back, and the view was great.

And she drank her warm coffee right here, swinging lazily, and no one bothered her, or asked her do something for them, or bossed her around, or got her in trouble for something little she hadn’t even realized she was doing wrong. No one was picking apart her every move.

The quiet wasn’t so scary out here where the birds were singing.

She sat out there until her coffee was gone. She sat out there until the sun was setting. She sat out there until her stomach growled to remind her she hadn’t eaten in a long time. She sat out there until her swirling thoughts steadied out.

And then she did something that confused her down to her soul. She tucked her hair behind her ears, lifted her phone, smiled, and took a selfie.

She studied the picture of her. She hadn’t taken a selfie in so long. This was what she looked like now? An unpaired, childless, Crewless thirty-two-year-old broken shifter with facial scars, a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, and a huge question mark for a future?

Feeling hateful toward herself, she did something awful—she sent that picture to Kade with the caption, I don’t remember how to breathe .

It wasn’t until she hit send that she freaked out. Why the heck had she done that? Why had she opened this text thread? She’d only been awake for a little while, and she was supposed to heal up and figure out her feelings on everything, and she was being way too vulnerable with a man almost immediately? And not just any man. A man who had wrecked everything. Twice.

She tossed the phone onto the seat of the swinging chair and busied herself with trying to figure out how to turn the firepit on. She couldn’t do it. There was a metal turnkey sticking out of the side of the firepit, but she clearly wasn’t turning it correctly, or maybe it wasn’t hooked up or…or…something. Her eyes were burning. She’d been so stupid to take that dumb picture.

It was getting harder to breathe.

Why didn’t you leave? Kade’s question replayed over and over in her mind. Why? Because a weak part of her had thought he would come back for her, and apologize to the Crew, and make amends. It was a stupid, na?ve part of her, but it had existed, and it was what it was. And she knew that sounded so stupid, but she hadn’t known what else to do. They’d had a plan! She had stuck to the plan. He was the one who didn’t stick to the plan!

Jess tried to drag air into her lungs, but it didn’t work. A sob escaped her, and she sank down to the porch, with her back against the rough stones of the firepit. She buried her face in her hands and just…cried. Cried for everything that had gone wrong when she was little, and cried for everything that she’d lost, and cried for the disappointment that had always existed inside of her for her brother’s behavior, and cried that the house had been torn down by a fight over her, and she cried for crying over a house where she had been trapped. Her animal was right. She’d called it correctly. It had been a cage, yet here she sat, weak, crying over being released from her personal cage.

The back door swung open, and there Kade stood, holding a pizza box and a six pack of soda cans. His eyes searched her face, and went from confusion to softness.

“Go away!” she yelled, hiding her face against her forearms.

She could hear him put the pizza box down on the swing, and she hated him. She hated him! She hated everything.

Kade’s boot prints echoed hollowly against the wooden boards of the porch as he left. The door clicked closed behind him, and she sagged as another sob escaped her.

Her breath hitched as she heard the door re-open, and then there were Kade’s boot prints again, coming closer. He was supposed to be gone. He was supposed to leave. She’d told him to go away, but stupid males never did as females asked.

Kade slid his arms around her, and she shoved him off. “Don’t touch me.”

He waited as she cried for a few moments, and then he slid his arms tighter around her, and this time, she couldn’t break free. He was too strong. Men just thought they could do whatever they wanted. Jess struggled, but his hug tightened like an anaconda’s grip. He was sitting right next to her now. She sobbed and struggled again, but he pulled her into his lap and his hug was suffocatingly tight.

Her next struggle was pitiful. Something shifted as she felt comfort in the pressure. She didn’t want him to go anymore, because this embrace was probably the only thing holding her together now.

“I h-hate you,” she whispered brokenly.

“That’s okay.”

“I h-hate you,” she repeated. “I hate everything.”

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered against her ear as he rocked her slowly.

And she stopped struggling completely. Instead, Jess gripped his shirt and let off a heartbroken sob. “Everything went wrong.”

He didn’t shush her or tell her she was being unreasonable. These kinds of outbursts weren’t allowed for females in the Sister’s Edge Crew. Emotions were to be kept in check. But here, Kade just rocked her and let her talk. Jess fell apart and buried her face against his shirt and cried until she ran out of tears.

“I’m so fucked up,” she said in a small voice.

“We’re all fucked up.”

“But I’m really fucked up,” she whispered. Even she could hear the truth in her voice.

“Well, that’s probably why I find you so interesting.”

“What?” she asked, sniffing as she eased back.

Kade brushed his thumbs firmly across both her cheeks, wiping away the dampness there. “You would be boring as hell if you were normal.”

“Are you saying I’m…I’m…weird?”

“Oh, so weird.” He cracked a slow grin that said he was teasing.

“None of this is funny. I cried on your shirt.”

He shrugged. “I have a spare in the truck.”

She frowned. “What are you even doing here?”

“I was up the street getting you a pizza for dinner when you texted. I was just going to drop it on your porch, but then you texted and I thought that was the green light to come in.”

Her frown deepened. “You just walked into the house?”

“I knocked like four times, and then I texted and said I was coming in with food.”

“Oh.” She looked at her phone, still sitting face down on the swinging chair. “I shouldn’t have sent you that ugly picture.”

Kade snorted. “Woman, you are way too deep in your head if you think that’s an ugly picture. Here.” He pulled up his phone and angled it down at them. She caught a glimpse of her crybaby face and squeaked, then turned away from the camera fast.

Kade told her, “I just sent that one to you. Now we’re even.”

“Let me see,” she said softly.

He turned his phone screen and there was a picture of him pulling a goofy face, and her clutching onto his shirt as she turned her face away.

“You are annoying,” she groused. “Even when you try to take an ugly picture, you still look…” She let the words die off in her throat as she realized what she was saying.

“I look what?”

“Nothing.”

“Hot?” he asked.

“You’re full of yourself. Let me go.” She pushed up and off him, and her head wanted to storm off and lock herself away in a dark room where he couldn’t see the tear stains on her shirt, but her heart made her hesitate. Her heart made her turn around and offer him a hand up.

His smile was soft on his lips as he slid his hand against hers and allowed her to pull him to his feet.

“You weren’t supposed to see any of that,” she grumbled.

“See what?”

She gestured in annoyance to her stupid crying face. “Any of that.”

“I didn’t see anything.”

She cocked her head as she took in the innocent look on his face. Oh. He was giving her an out. He was letting her off the hook. He was fixing the awkward moment by telling her he would pretend he hadn’t seen her meltdown.

She liked that.

“Your stomach is growling,” he observed.

“I slept for an eternity and haven’t eaten. What kind of pizza did you get?”

“Meat lovers with sliced tomatoes all over the top, which, by the way is disgusting but I’ll pick the tomatoes off.”

Her heart stuttered inside of her chest. “That’s…that’s my favorite pizza.”

“I know. I remember.” He made his way to the pizza box that sat next to her phone on the glider and handed her a slice. It was still warm.

Jess stood there awkwardly, holding a slice of pizza, wondering what the heck had just happened between them. “I think I need to go clean up and maybe put some make-up on.”

“No thanks. You’re just fine as is.” He twitched his chin at a cushioned chair near the firepit. “Park it. I’ll get you a drink.”

“Um, that’s my job.”

Kade snorted. “Let me guess. To serve males? Sister’s Edge doesn’t exist here. Fuck them rules.”

“Oh.” Confused absolutely, she sat down slowly, just holding her precious pizza slice.

“You don’t have to wait on me to take the first bite either,” he told her. “Eat as fast as you want. I’ll literally clean up every slice you don’t eat, so get on it. I’m starving.”

Was he sure? She hadn’t eaten before the males in so long. That wasn’t allowed. Restraint was showing respect to the higher ranks. Was he testing her? Would he reprimand her if she fell for it?

Carefully, she took a little bite and chewed slowly. God, it was so good.

He parted his lips to get onto her. Here it went. “Do you want ranch?”

What the heck? “Uuuh, yes please.”

He chuckled and popped the top of a little plastic ramekin of ranch dressing, then handed it to her.

She took another bite of pizza—a big one this time. The tomato and sausage flavor exploded against her taste buds, and she stifled a groan. “Is this pizza place in biking distance?” she asked.

“It sure is. Are you already planning your next meal?”

“Maybe. I love pizza.”

He popped the top on a soft drink and handed it to her, and she took a long, bubbly sip, and set it on the little table next to her chair. Oh, that was a crispy soda.

“I tried to turn the firepit on but couldn’t figure it out. That’s where my tantrum started, I think.”

He had taken a huge bite of pizza but tossed a glance over his shoulder at a propane tank that sat by a barbecue grill. He checked the connecting tube and then tipped the tank to check something, then turned a dial on the tank, and then returned to the firepit and cranked the key. Flames jumped to life in the dark rocks. Jess startled at how big the flames were, but he adjusted it down to just a subdued flicker of six inches or so.

“How did you know how to do that?”

Kade shrugged. “I picked up a few things I guess.”

“Since you got out of prison?” she asked carefully.

“You mean since I escaped prison? Yes and no. I was handy before I went in.”

She frowned as that admission collided with her memory of him. “I thought you worked in a corporate office,” she said.

“When I was in Sister’s Edge? I worked in an office for a construction company, but I had to work my way there. I started at the bottom. Now I’m at the bottom again.”

Her curiosity was piqued for sure now. “You’re in construction?”

“Nah, I tried, but they aren’t hiring felon’s around here. I work at a cabinet company. Woodworking isn’t my favorite thing, but it pays the bills.”

“This place is really nice,” she said, jamming her thumb at the house. “How did you afford to pay it? Will the rental payment put you behind on your own payment? I have some savings. I can help.”

He shook his head and swallowed a bite. “I’m good but thank you. I think you need to stop overthinking and just relax.”

She snorted. “Relax. I don’t even have a spare bra to my name and you’re telling me to relax. I feel like I have a checklist in my head that needs to be taken care of before I relax.”

“Okay. Lay it on me. What’s the checklist?”

She looked at him suspiciously. Was this a game? “Why do you care?”

He puffed air out of his cheeks and shrugged again. “Boredom, maybe.”

“Thanks a lot,” she muttered.

He cracked a grin. “Or maybe not. Who knows with me? Checklist. One, two, three, go.”

“Well…I need clothes.”

“Cool. Raynah sent me with three brown paper bags of clothes. They’re hand-me-downs, but beggars and choosers and all.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, I left them in the living room. I don’t know if there’s any bras in there, but there’s for sure some hoochie shorts. I looked.”

She pursed her lips against a pleasantly surprised smile. “How did Raynah know what sizes?”

“She asked me.”

“How do you know my sizes?”

“Well, I told her your waist is like this…” He cupped both hands in a fairly accurate portrayal of her waist size. “And hips like this.” He made them wider. “And an ass like this.” He made a butt-grabbing gesture that made her laugh. “Tits like this size.” He did a titty-grab gesture, and she cracked up.

“I mean, it’s kind of accurate.”

“What can I say, I’m good at measurements.”

“Mmm hmm. We’ll see when I try the clothes on. Please tell Raynah thank you so much from me.”

“You got it. What’s next on the list?”

She’d been so excited by the prospect of trying clothes on, she’d forgotten about the check list. She thought about it. Food was taken care of. Raynah had stocked the kitchen, and now she was eating her fourth slice of pizza. She probably had enough for a week, actually. She had shelter. “I probably need to check in with Sister’s Edge and see how mad they are at me.”

“I don’t think you have to do that at all.”

“Why not?”

“Because fuck Sister’s Edge. I asked them nicely if I could talk to you, and ask you to leave with me, and that it would be your choice. You know what Derek said?”

“Hell no?”

“Correct. He said you don’t have choices anymore.”

Ew. Jess sank back in the chair and stared at the firepit flames as disgust rippled through her. “He really said that?”

“That’s a quote, Jess. Derek said, ‘she doesn’t have choices anymore’.” The truth in Kade’s tone chilled her blood.

She nodded slowly, absorbing that. Yesterday if she would’ve heard that, she wouldn’t have had any feelings about it at all, but now? Now things felt different for some reason.

Some of the numbness was wearing off, but not all of it. “Lots of Crews act like that,” she defended Sister’s Edge softly.

“I did that too.”

“Did what?” she asked defensively.

“Tried to justify the things I’d just grown to accept. Things I knew were wrong, but I’d convinced myself otherwise.”

“You don’t know me,” she said softly. “Don’t compare us. I’m not justifying.”

He was kind enough not to point out the lie in her tone, and she gritted her teeth in frustration with herself.

“You’re like a little cactus, aren’t you?”

Jess said, “I don’t know what you mean,” and then shoved the last bite of crust into her mouth and drew her knees up to her chest like a shield.

“You’re pretty. You’re flowering, but if anyone gets too close, you get defensive and teach them a lesson. You’ve learned how to sting them.”

“And don’t forget it,” she said primly, refusing to meet his eyes lest he see how touched she was by him calling her pretty. Flowering? Her? No. She’d never been one for flowers. Maybe a mesquite tree with no vibrant colors, and all thorns.

He pulled another slice of pizza out of the box—the last one—stood, and offered it to her. She looked from the pizza to him, and then back to the slice, considering. She was still a little hungry, but the rules. The rules, the rules, the rules. Males got the biggest portions, and this would mean she got one more slice than him.

“I like when you eat as much as you want,” he said gruffly, and she could tell he wouldn’t budge. He would probably be all stubborn and refuse to eat it, even if she pretended to be full.

She accepted the food, but didn’t unfurl her body as she ate it. She still felt on edge, and defensive. She felt like he was seeing her too easily, like he had a microscope, and she couldn’t escape his watchful gaze. Kade was smart, and more observant than any male she’d ever known. He was intimidating and kept her on edge.

“What’s your angle?” she asked.

“Do you want me to be honest?”

“Always. I would like only honesty. I like knowing exactly where I stand now. Since the rules are so different here, as you say, then I want to be on equal footing and know exactly where I stand with you.”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and looked her straight in the eyes as he said, “Okay. I find you interesting, and there is something inside of me that really wants you to be okay. Like…I really want it. Whatever okay means for you, I want it. It might be for selfish reasons,” he said, shrugging. “It makes me feel good when you have big-realization moments, or when you smile, or when you relax completely. I liked it when you cried on my shoulder. I like the idea of poisoning you into never being able to go back to Sister’s Edge and settle for their bullshit again. I like stirring the pot. I like the idea of saving you, and before you get all prickly, little cactus, you asked for honesty. Maybe I have a hero complex, I don’t know. Now, I know you can march down to the main road and stick your thumb out and hitchhike to any town you want, and you will figure it out, because I believe that’s the kind of woman you are. You’ll use your savings wisely and get a job somewhere and figure out shelter and you don’t need anyone. Not really. But I like being a part of this. I want to watch you figure it all out.”

“Figure what out?” she asked softly.

He leaned back in the glider, and stretched one powerful leg out, and rocked slowly as he leveled her with a bright-eyed look. “Freedom.”

“And then you’ll trap me, right? That’s what males do.”

He huffed a laugh and shook his head. “I don’t have any interest in trapping you, Jess. I just want to be around for that wake-up moment when you figure out you don’t have to put up with anyone’s shit anymore, and you never did.” His eyes sparked brighter with intensity. He shrugged again. “Or maybe I’m just bored.”

“Liar. You lied on that last part.”

“Good. Good instincts. So, now you know where you stand with me.”

She lifted her chin higher into the air. “You said I’m pretty.”

“And?”

“You don’t want anything more from me than to be a part of my wake-up moment?”

His eyes narrowed. “See, this feels like a trap. If I say I memorized the size of your waist, and your ass, and your tits because I have looked and I enjoy the shape of your body, you won’t trust my intentions. But if I dance around the answer and convince you I don’t want you like that at all, you’ll feel rejected.”

She scoffed. “You’re full of yourself.”

“No. I’ve just been around the Cold Foot females long enough to know I’m treading murky waters right now.”

“Honesty always.”

“I’d fuck you,” he said without hesitation. He twitched his head toward the house. “If you said you had a need, and you wanted to forget everything, and you wanted me to take you into that bedroom and fuck the shit out of you, I would do it and it would be easy for me. But…I will never ever put pressure on you or talk about this unless you engage in that type of conversation. I’ll follow the same rules I had in place for myself when I cut your hand and you cut mine. I’ll protect you as long as you are here, and anything you need, if it’s in my power, I’ll provide it. There will be no strings attached for intimacy. I don’t want it that way. And that’s where I stand. You’re the boss.”

“I’m…” her voice had cracked. “I’m the boss?”

Kade offered her the devil’s smile, and stood. “Time to go, little cactus. I have things to do.”

And he left her there, staring open-mouthed after him.

His voice had held absolute and utter truth as he’d told her where he stood, and she’d loved every word he’d said.

She replayed it in her mind, and truth be told, she was kind of turned on. It had been a long damn time.

He was leaving, and that fact struck her like lightning. She stood and ran around the side of the house and called out to him just as he reached his truck parked near the curb in front. “Kade!”

He hesitated, his hand on the handle of his truck. “Yeah?”

“I lied.”

He swallowed hard and came around the front of his truck so he could see her better. “Which time are you talking about.”

“I don’t hate you.”

A slow smile stretched his lips. “Good. See you when I see you, little cactus.”

He got into his truck and drove away while she stood in the front yard feeling like a completely different person than she’d been just a couple of hours ago.

He said she was pretty.

He said it would be easy to fuck her.

He said he wanted to be her hero.

He said he believed she was a woman who could just figure things out.

God, what a surprising, beautiful opinion he had of her.

Jess had been prepared to hate this entire process, but now?

Now, she kind of wished she could learn to see herself the way Kade did.