Page 20

Coast

That post-nut clarity was crystal-fucking-clear in that bed with Zoe, with Lil’ Bit in her playard just a few feet away, sleeping peacefully. Because she had no idea there was a killer in her home.

I’d tried like hell to stay away.

Short of having one of the guys lock me in the stupid-ass, constantly water-filled basement (likely built by some out-of-state builders who didn’t know jack-shit about the water table) with the goddamn water bugs the size of my thumb, there was no way to keep my ass at the club where it belonged.

Not with the memory of Zoe in that tub rolling around in my mind.

The shape of her body under the water.

Her soft sighs as I explored her.

The way her pussy clenched around my fingers as they fucked her.

It was too fucking much.

And I’d never been any good at denying myself the shit I wanted.

Life was too fucking short to miss out on things.

Somehow I knew that not taking the opportunity to be with Zoe would be the biggest mistake of my dumbass life.

As I drove all the way back to the motel that she called home, all I would let myself think about was how I was going to touch her, how she was going to feel under me, around me, how sweet she’d sound moaning with my cock inside her.

I couldn’t think of anything else.

Until we were wrapped up in the bed afterward, her being all soft and sweet, the baby sleeping peacefully a few minutes away.

And I realized that was the one thing they couldn’t get with me in their lives.

Peace.

That wasn’t something I had to offer myself, let alone anyone else.

Did I feel like a complete shithead to walk out after sleeping with Zoe? Yeah. I wasn’t a complete dick. Because I knew where her head was at, how alone she was, how much she needed a hand.

Enough that she let those hands be mine.

Then went and put me on a pedestal just because I gave her medicine and some basic necessities.

I’d taken advantage of her loneliness and desire to have someone around to lighten the load.

I needed to show her that the hands she was letting hold her baby were permanently fucking stained in blood.

And while I believed everyone I’d put down had deserved that shit, I also knew that women like Zoe didn’t belong with men like me.

Not casually.

Damn sure not in any serious sort of way.

And that was what a mom was going to be looking for, wasn’t it? Not a fun weekend fuck. They wanted stability. They wanted a man who wanted to put down roots with ‘em, grow with ‘em.

No decent mom wanted a revolving door of “mommy’s friends” in their kid’s life. And Zoe was more than a decent mom.

But she couldn’t root with me.

Which was exactly why I never should have put my dirty hands all over her in the first place.

I was selfish, plain and simple.

“You’re back,” a female voice said as I stood outside of Zoe’s apartment, hands on the railing, taking a steadying breath. Because I couldn’t quite force my legs to carry me away just yet.

“Hey, Brooke,” I said, looking down at the pool.

“Keep an ear for my goblins for a minute? Just gotta pop down to toss this in the dumpster,” she said, lifting her trash bag.

“I can take it down,” I offered.

I knew what was coming when she set the bag down.

Her flip-flops slapped the cement as she walked over to me.

“Okay. Spill.”

“Nothing to spill.”

“Riiight. Because it’s every day a man takes care of a sick woman and her baby. And buys them lots of presents. Hell, the father of my children doesn’t even do half of that.”

“You deserve better than that,” I said, glancing over at her.

“I know it,” she agreed. “But we’re not talking about me. Why are you out here looking like someone kicked your puppy?”

“Dunno what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I know a hangdog look when I see one. What happened? You muck it up with Zoe?”

“There is no anything with me and Zoe.”

“You men,” Brooke said, sighing as she leaned back against the railing. “Always thinking you’re making the right decision for everybody. While fucking everything right up. God, it felt good to say that.”

“Fucking?” I asked, smirking at her.

“You really start to realize how many swear words you’re using when you have to stop and spell them out all the time. These kids really put a crimp in my style when it comes to cussing. Anyway. What is this? You’re not good enough for her?”

“I’m not.”

“You know what I think?” she asked.

“What’s that?”

“That it’s her decision. And you’re out here thinking you’re being all noble and shit. When what you’re really doing is being a giant ass.”

“Thanks, Brooke.”

“I’m gonna call it like I see it. You like that girl in there. And her little girl. And you’re a good man . You’re everything a single, overworked, overwhelmed, lonely mama wants. Yet you’re gonna walk away. Typical. Just typical.” She stormed back off toward her door. “And don’t forget the trash.”

With a sigh, I moved down the balcony, grabbed the bag of garbage, and headed to the stairs.

I got what Brooke was saying. Really, I did. Zoe deserved a man to lighten the load, to love her and Lainey. But that wasn’t me. I was nothing but trouble. She needed a good, stable kind of guy. Whether she liked that or not.

I was making the best decision for her.

I threw the trash and made my way back to the lot, clocking a car parked down at the edge—engine running, heavy tint.

I felt the hair on the back of my neck go up, but brushed the concern away. This was a busy motel. People came and went all the time. There was no reason to get suspicious about a car in the lot.

I climbed on my bike, but sat there for a minute, pep-talking myself to go, to drive off, to leave Zoe and Lil’ Bit alone. They had enough on their plate. They didn’t me and my dirty hands and my fucked-up past.

With that in mind, I started the engine and pulled out of the lot.

Then went ahead and ignored the way each mile I drove away from the motel made the tight feeling in my chest intensify until it felt damn near ready to snap as I drove into the lot of the clubhouse.

“Didn’t expect you back tonight,” Caymen said as I walked around the back of the house to find a party already in full swing.

“Didn’t expect to be back,” I admitted, accepting the beer he handed to me.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“We can drink about it then,” he said, clinking his can to mine before taking a long swig.

“Your brother seems to be fitting right in,” I said as he spun a group of women around on a big tube as they squealed.

“This is right up his alley.”

“Not yours?”

“I don’t mind a good time, but that was never the motivation for joining up. We needed the stability. You?”

“I wanted the partying and the action.”

“Because if you slow down too long, all that old shit you’re running away from catches up to you?”

“You’re not supposed to be the head-shrinker here,” I told him.

“Just an observation. From a kindred spirit, you could say.” He paused, watching his brother grab a girl and throw her over his shoulder as he made his way to the pool steps. “Shouldered it all so he didn’t have to.”

“I get that,” I admitted. “More than you can know.” And that was as close to telling anyone about my past as I’d ever gotten.

“You avoiding her because you don’t want anything serious? Or because you’re worried that you might?”

“Who the fuck knows?” I asked. “Eddie here?” I’d worked up an appetite.

“Been cooking nonstop. Says he feels guilty that he missed a few days.”

“Gonna go stuff my face,” I said, excusing myself into the clubhouse before anyone else noticed that I was still off.

“Coast, my man,” Eddie greeted me, standing there in his apron that had little handprints from all of the club kids all over it—an uncle’s day present from the club wives—as he chopped some green onions. “Hungry?”

Not at all.

“Starving,” I said, grabbing a plate and piling on.

Hell, maybe if I shoved enough food in, it might fill that hole I felt like was growing right below my ribcage.

“How was lil’ mama?” he asked, adding the onions to the sheet pan of salmon and veggies. “Yeah, it wasn’t some big secret that’s where you went,” he said when I looked at him. “Still sorry I couldn’t make her soup. That was a killer flu.”

“She wouldn’t have been in any shape to enjoy it anyway.”

“Why you back so soon?” Eddie asked, lowering the tray into the oven.

“Just am.”

“You know, man, there’s mysterious and then there’s emotionally redacted . Guess which one you are.”

“The mystery is part of the charm,” I said, but my words were flatter than usual.

“The mystery was all anyone knew, so they had to be charmed by it. Now, you seem to have layers, man. Can’t blame people for wanting to peel.”

“Nope. No layers here. Pure surface-level personality.”

“I might have believed that a few weeks back,” Eddie said. “But when’s the last time you joined in at a party? And I don’t mean planting your ass on a chaise and pretending to be participating? When’s the last time you had a woman in your room?”

“To be fair, I have been known to hook up in places other than my room.”

“Don’t remind me,” Eddie said, shaking his head. “My girl Rosalie is still scarred.”

“Weird you named your car, man.”

“Weirder that you banged a woman on the hood.”

“Hey, Huck made me wash it. And detail it for good measure.”

“Know what I think?”

“Pretty sure you’re gonna tell me whether I wanna hear it or not.”

“I think the partying, the drinking, the girls, it’s all to keep you distracted. So you don’t have to work through whatever shit is in your past. And I think lil’ mama is making it harder for you not to confront all that shit.”

“I’m out of Zoe’s life now,” I told him. “So, it’s back to partying and pussy.”

Except it wasn’t.

And we both knew it.

Eddie was right; something had fundamentally changed.

It had been a slow deconstruction that started when I walked out of that exam room to see her in the waiting room. Every wall I’d put up had been knocked down harder with each moment with the two of them in their room.

Shit I hadn’t let myself think about in a decade came to the forefront of my mind. Only now, I was seeing it through an older, wiser, less bitter lens.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, some of that shit was fucked. Most of that shit was fucked. But a lot of the anger I’d been carrying around surrounding it was suddenly gone.

And because of the dissolution of that, it seemed like some things I’d accepted about myself and my life and my future had changed as well.

I guess you could make an argument for panic being partially to blame for me walking out of that room and leaving Zoe behind. Some part of me didn’t want to accept something different, wanted to crawl back to my old ways.

But I mostly stood by what I said to her when I left.

She deserved better.

They deserved safe and stable.

Those were not words most people would use to describe me. And I couldn’t let my selfish desire to be there allow to Zoe make the dumbest mistake of her life by attaching herself to a guy like me.

Hell, I didn’t even know if I could do a relationship if I wanted to. I never have before. The idea never even occurred to me.

I was pretty sure anyone who’d ever met me would unanimously agree that I was not husband material. I wasn’t even ‘can you help me move’ material. I’d never been anything close to dependable. Not in my adult life, anyway. That was how I’d planned it, how I wanted it.

Or it had been.

“Christ,” I sighed, reaching to pull the nicotine patch off my arm.

I hadn’t wanted to be itching to smoke or smelling like it when helping Zoe and Lil’ Bit out.

But now that that was over, I needed a fucking smoke.

“Coast,” Velle called as I was digging around, trying to find a pack I swear I had stashed in the pantry.

“What?”

“Progress is progress, regardless of the cause,” he said, grabbing my wrist. “Don’t be stupid.”

When his hand moved away, I realized he’d slapped a new fucking patch on me.

I slammed my forehead into the doorjamb.

“Fuck,” I growled, moving out and slamming the door. “I’m going for a ride,” I said, storming out the back door and making my way to my bike.

I needed to get my head on right.

And I couldn’t do that with everyone else’s opinions trying to weasel their way in too.

But even as I pulled out of the driveway, I knew there was no distance I could drive, no speed I could push myself to that would let me outrun her.

That said, I was sure as fuck gonna try.