Page 35 of Clashing Moon

Dear Arabella,

Double digits! You’re growing so fast. I hope this year is full of adventure and happiness for you. I wish I knew all the details.

I’ve no idea if your father lets you open these, but I feel compelled to share with you a little about my life now that you’re old enough to understand. I’ve started volunteering helping recovering addicts. Aiding others struggling with addiction has filled my heart in a lot of the empty spaces. Not all of them, of course. The empty place in my heart is for you and you only.

I’ve met a wonderful man named Jacob and we’re getting married in a few weeks. I wish you could be there.

I imagine you’re having a big-girl party this year. Maybe skating or a movie with your girlfriends? I hope they’re nice and not mean girls. I knew a few of those back in my day. Whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re showered with love.

With endless love,

Mom

I could imagine her picking out the card, smiling at the idea of me reaching this “big” milestone. It was a small connection, but one I clung to.

The next letter, for my eleventh birthday, came with a sweet card featuring a mother and baby fox cuddled together, surrounded by tiny flowers. The words on the front said, “For a Wonderful Daughter.” I traced the edges of the illustration before reading her message inside.

Happy Birthday, Arabella! Wishing you a great year. You’re always in my thoughts and my heart on this day and every day.

I have some very big news to share, something that feels almost like a miracle. This year, I had a baby boy. His name is Daniel. He’s sweet and quiet, kind of like you were as a baby. When he’s old enough, I’ll tell him all about you. He will always know he has an incredible big sister and that someday, God willing, he will meet you. I wish with all my heart that you could be here with us, that we could be a family together.

Daniel’s birth has reminded me that there is always hope, always a chance to rebuild. I know it’s been a long time since I left, and I regret every day that I had to make that choice. But please know, Arabella, that you will always be my first baby—my bright and beloved girl. I think of you every day and hope that someday you’ll find your way back to me.

With all my love,

Mom

A younger brother. I had a brother.Havea brother. I felt a strange ache in my chest, a longing mixed with sadness. She had a new family, yet she’d wanted me to be part of it, too. Even from far away, she’d kept me close.

For my thirteenth birthday, she’d sent an elegant card with a watercolor illustration of wildflowers and butterflies, a touch more mature. The front read, “Celebrating You.”

Happy Birthday to my amazing daughter! I am so proud of the young woman you’re becoming. I’m always cheering you on from afar. I long to see you, to know you. I have no doubt the reality would be even better than my imagination.

Daniel is talking now, running around on chubby legs and getting into everything. I thank God every day for my sobriety so that I can be the mother for him I never had the chance to be for you.

I hope your thirteenth year is full of laughter and fun. Having known you for your first three years, I have no doubt you do very well in school. I could tell how smart you were from the moment I looked into your eyes.

I’m not sure you get these cards. If you do and if you ever want to write back, please know that I welcome any word from you with a grateful and open heart.

With endless love,

Mom

The words felt different now, more reflective, almost as if she were starting to see me not as a little girl but as a young woman. A new ache formed, thinking of all she’d missed and all I’d never known.

The card for my fourteenth birthday was simple but sweet, with a watercolor image of two birds perched together on a branch, surrounded by delicate blossoms. The words on the front read, “Happy Birthday to Someone Very Special.”

Dearest Arabella, happy birthday! I imagine you’re growing more wonderful and wise each year. I think of you every day, wishing I could know the young woman you’re becoming.

Life here is good, steady, and filled with hope. I’ve had another child. A boy named Michael. He’s feisty and mischievous. I’m in trouble with this one! I’ve continued to volunteer and also have started a new career that I’m very excited about. I wish I could tell you all about it.

Know that you’re loved deeply and truly, forever and always.

With all my love,

Mom

The card’s gentle tone and words filled me with a strange mix of comfort and sadness. Each year, her words seemed to reach out, trying to make up for the distance, to offer the love she couldn’t give in person.