Page 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

MONSTER

By the end of the date, my face hurts from smiling so much and I’m floating on cloud nine. There’s also still this underlying feeling of desire that I have for Finn that keeps throwing me for a loop.

There were times that he’d lick his lips, or stare at me with that hint of lust in his eyes, or say something with a slightly dirty undertone, and my dick would stir in my pants. I know that can be a normal reaction for some guys, but it’s not for me. I’m not used to being turned on by someone and the fact that I couldn’t get my cock to listen to me and calm down during dinner was beyond frustrating.

I’m currently driving Finn back to his place and to say I’m nervous would be an understatement. I have no idea what he’s expecting when I put the car in park.

Is he gonna want me to kiss him? What about more?

Do I want more?

I have no fucking clue.

I do want to kiss him though. I’m just scared that it’s going to be lackluster for him. I know he’s kissed more people than I have and more recently, too. It’s been almost three years since I’ve kissed anyone and I’m sure Finn is going to be able to tell.

“I can practically hear the wheels turning in your brain,” Finn tells me as I make the turn onto his street.

“What do you mean?” I respond, trying to play dumb.

“Hun, I can practically smell the anxiety oozing out of your pores. You’re nervous about what happens now that the date is about to come to an end.”

“Are you a mind reader?” I question dryly.

Finn chuckles and shakes his head. “No, you’re just easy to read.”

I huff out an annoyed breath but don’t say anything else. I’ve always hated how I struggle to conceal what I’m feeling and thinking.

“Nothing has to happen if you don’t want it to,” he tells me, placing his hand on my arm. “I wouldn’t turn down a goodnight kiss, but if you’re not ready, I understand. I can be a patient guy, and you’re worth waiting for.”

My cheeks heat at his sweet words. Fuck. I really like how understanding he is. It’s definitely starting to settle my nerves… at least a tiny bit.

I find a parking spot in front of Finn’s apartment that isn’t the loading zone so we can have a couple of minutes to talk and then put the car in park. We both unbuckle at the same time, and I use the moment to take a centering breath. After I slowly blow it out, I turn to the man who’s awoken things inside of me I didn’t think existed.

“I want to kiss you,” I whisper while staring into his beautiful sapphire eyes that I could easily get lost in if I allowed myself to.

“Then do it,” he responds, in a quiet, breathy tone, his tongue darting out to wet his lips and my eyes zero in on them.

They are plump and look absolutely delectable, but even though all I want to do is seal my lips to his, I can’t seem to make the move.

“What if I’m a terrible kisser?” I ask, hating how insecure I sound.

Finn smiles gently at me and places his hand on my face, stroking it softly with his thumb. “Then we’ll just have to keep practicing until you’re a pro,” he tells me with a wink. “I promise I won’t mind giving you pointers if you need them.”

His hand stays on my face, but he doesn’t make a move to push things. Instead, he holds eye contact with me for a few moments, like he’s silently telling me that whatever I choose is okay.

My entire body is shaking with nerves when I finally make the move to lean into this gorgeous man and softly press my lips to his.

It’s barely a kiss at first, just our lips brushing against each other, but the second I get a taste of him it’s like I need more. With a quick movement, I grab the back of his neck and pull him into me for a proper kiss, our lips moving in unison as we get lost in each other for a moment.

A needy moan slips out of Finn’s mouth after a few perfect kisses, and I decide to take things a little bit further and lick at the seam of his lips. He eagerly opens for me, and I allow my tongue to slide into his mouth, where it is greeted by his.

My cock throbs in my pants as we make out, our tongues moving together in perfect harmony.

I want more.

I need more.

My hands start to roam Finn’s lithe little body, searching for the hem of his shirt, wanting to rid him of his clothes.

Apparently, my dick is completely in charge of thinking right now and he gives zero fucks that we are still in my car.

Finn breaks the kiss and slowly moves his hands to cover mine, stopping me from groping him.

Shit. Did I push him too far? Was I going too fast?

“Stop overthinking,” he tells me, like he’s reading my mind. “I’m not stopping you because I don’t want you. I’m stopping you because we need to take this slow. I’d want nothing more than to fuck you in this car, but I refuse to let your first time be like that. You deserve it to be special like you are.”

I sigh, which makes Finn chuckle.

“I know you’re horny and it feels like a punishment to stop, but I promise you this is the right call. You need time to process everything you’re feeling tonight. Besides, I never said I put out on the first date,” he says with a wink and a mischievous grin. “Maybe next time I’ll let you get to second base.” After the words leave his mouth, he leans in for a quick peck on my lips. “And as long as you don’t change your mind, you best believe there is going to be a second date,” he states while opening the car door. He pauses as he’s getting out, staring into my eyes for a brief second, before saying, “this was one of the best dates of my life.”

Once the words are out of his lips, he waves at me then shuts the door and walks away, leaving me in stunned silence.

So many things are floating through my head as I put the car back into drive and make my way home.

Finn was right that I needed time to process everything, I just don’t think I can do it on my own. My brain is a jumbled mess, and I don’t know where to begin in my journey of figuring out what exactly happened tonight.

The drive to my place isn’t long and I quickly beeline it to my apartment and directly to my bedroom. Once inside I shut the door behind me and make a call to the only person I know that might be able to help me work through everything.

“Hey, Monster, what’s up?” Rio answers and I sigh as I try to come up with a response.

“I kissed someone tonight,” I tell him, the words tumbling out quickly, almost too fast to understand completely.

“And you’re freaking out?” Rio questions.

“Kind of. Not totally, but… yeah… a little,” I reply softly, grabbing the back of my neck and sitting on my bed.

“Did you enjoy the kiss, or did you do it out of obligation?” Rio checks, knowing me well enough to know that is something I would do, and have done in the past.

“I enjoyed it… a lot,” I murmur, making Rio chuckle.

“So why the freak out then?” he inquires with no judgment in his tone, only genuine concern.

“Because tonight was the first time I’ve ever been aroused by someone before,” I whisper, embarrassment creeping up my spine and causing my skin to heat.

Rio already knows all about my journey with my sexuality, so I know I don’t need to be embarrassed admitting this to him, but that doesn’t stop the feeling from taking over.

“Ahh,” he muses out loud. “I get how that can be a lot to handle. So, are you thinking you aren’t truly asexual?”

I shrug even though he can’t see me. “I don’t know. Aceflux feels like a better fit now, but I still don’t know if this is a one off or not. I’d even consider demisexual, like you, if it wasn’t for the fact that I barely know this guy. I think what’s really fucking with my head the most though is the fact that I’ve gone twenty-one years without having a sexual attraction to anyone, and now all of a sudden, all I want to do is get naked with this guy.”

Rio laughs lightly and I groan as I fall back on my bed. “It’s not funny,” I grumble.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he quickly apologizes. “I’m only laughing because I’ve been in a similar situation to you. Obviously being demi is slightly different but I think all of us on the ace-spectrum have dealt with similar emotions. It’s okay to be confused and frustrated and it’s also okay to explore these new feelings if you want to.”

“But what if this was a fluke event and the next time I see him I feel nothing sexually?” I ask, voicing one of my biggest concerns.

I’m not concerned that I won’t like Finn anymore. The fact that he’s been stuck in my head since the first time I laid eyes on him is testament enough. And the more I get to know him, the more I want him in my life. Emotionally, I can see that it would be easy to fall for someone like Finn. But if my sex drive goes back to its default mode of being dormant, then what is going to happen?

“You’re afraid of getting hurt, aren’t you?” Rio replies, and I sigh.

“I already like him a lot. He’s like no one I’ve ever met before, and I’d love to be in a relationship with him, but you know better than anyone that sex means a lot to people. What if things go back to how they’ve always been, and he gets frustrated that we can’t take things to the next level? I can see myself falling quickly for this guy. What am I going to do if he decides I’m not enough for him?” Emotion coats my throat, and I blink quickly as tears form behind my eyes.

“I’m not going to say that will never happen,” he starts, refusing to lie to me, which I appreciate. “But if you like him already, why not take the chance? He could end up breaking your heart, but you have friends who will catch you if that happens. You shouldn’t live your life in fear, Monster. You deserve love just like everyone else.”

A tear breaks free trailing down my face and I quickly wipe it away. I don’t cry often but I’m also not ashamed of having emotions. I just hate that I’m crying over something that hasn’t even happened yet. I’m already convinced that things with Finn are going to end in heartache that I’m letting it ruin things before they even have a chance to start. That isn’t fair to Finn or me.

Rio is right. I can’t live my life in fear.

I like Finn. He likes me. And even if things don’t work out, we deserve a chance.

“I appreciate you being such a great friend,” I tell him, truly meaning the words.

Without Rio’s help, I probably would have let the anxiety eat at me tonight and might have ended up deciding that it would be best to cut things off with Finn before either of us got hurt.

“I’m always here for you, man,” he assures me. “So, are you going to go on a second date with this guy?”

I chuckle feeling the weight of everything lifting off of me. “Yeah. I think I am.”

“Well, I wish you nothing but good luck. And if you ever need me, just call,” he reminds me.

“Thanks. I’ll probably take you up on that soon,” I tell him in a lighthearted manner but it’s most likely the truth.

With nothing left to say, we end the call after a promise to let him know how the second date goes.

Normally, I’d get an hour of studying in before bed but I’m exhausted, so I strip out of my clothes and get settled into bed. Sleep slowly starts to pull me into its grasp but before I completely pass out, my phone vibrates on the nightstand, and I give it a quick check.

My heart beats quickly as I read the message, a giant smile spreads across my lips.

Finn: I hope you’re not freaking out too much. I would really like a second date with you. I meant what I said… Tonight was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. Talk soon handsome.

I quickly type out a response, so he doesn’t worry.

Me: Not freaking out. I want a second date too. I’ll check my schedule in the morning. Hopefully we can make something work soon.

I send the message and pause as I consider sending one more. Taking a deep breath, I decide to throw caution out the window and type out the second message.

Me: Tonight wasn’t just one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. It was THE BEST. Hands down. No competition. I can’t wait to see you again.

I hit send then put my phone on silent and place it on my nightstand before getting comfy again. Even though I’m a little bit anxious about being so forward, I can’t stop the smile that’s on my face.

Finn makes me happy.

I just pray that dating him is a risk worth taking. But even if this does end in me being broken-hearted, I think it will still be worth it.