Page 14 of Celebrating the Season (Forestville Silver Foxes)

14

BOAZ

I pushed my eggs around the plate, stealing glances at Ellery across the table. His eyes were fixed on his breakfast, muscled forearms flexing as he cut into a stack of pancakes. The silence between us felt heavy, broken only by the soft clink of silverware and the crackling of the fireplace.

My leg bounced under the table as I tried to think of something to say. Usually, words tumbled out of me, but now my mind was frustratingly blank. I opened my mouth, then closed it again with a quiet sigh.

Ellery’s deep voice startled me. “So, when are you headed back to LA? I mean, you said you’d stay until after Christmas…and it’s now two days after, so I was wondering.”

I didn’t want to go, but how did I tell him that? “I… I could stay a few more days, if you wanted? Till after New Year’s?”

Something flashed over Ellery’s face. “I don’t think that’s smart.”

My heart plummeted. I’d been hoping, foolishly perhaps, that he might ask me to stay longer. But, of course, he wouldn’t. This had been a fun fling for him—nothing more. “Oh, um…” I scrambled to gather my scattered thoughts. “Then I should probably head out today and catch the early flight out tomorrow morning. It’s probably for the best. I do have commissions piling up and all that.” I forced a laugh that sounded hollow even to my own ears.

“It would only make it harder to say goodbye,” Ellery said softly.

“But…”

“I like you, Boaz. I really do. But something long-term between us could never work.”

Could he hear my heart break? Because it had just shattered into a million pieces, each one stabbing me like a knife. “Why not?”

“I’m too old for you, kid. I’m in a completely different phase in my life. And the life I have built here, this is not for you. You’re too young, too talented and energetic to be living like an old man in a cabin in the woods. You need… You need people around you and the fast-paced life that only a big city can provide.”

I swallowed thickly. “I love it here.”

“For now. But you’ll grow bored here, and then what would happen? You’d walk away anyway, so it’s better to say goodbye now, before we’d hurt each other worse.”

“Okay.” I was honestly surprised my voice still worked. “I’ll leave today, then.”

Ellery nodded, taking another bite of the pancake. I watched the movement of his throat as he swallowed, remembering how it felt under my lips last night. God, had that really been the last time I’d get to touch him? “Gotta get back to the real world sometime.”

The real world. Right. Where I didn’t belong in his life. Where we were two guys who’d had a good time, nothing more.

My eyes burned, and I blinked, refocusing on my barely-touched breakfast. The eggs had gone cold, congealing unappetizingly on the plate. My stomach churned at the thought of eating.

“Yeah,” I managed after a moment. “Real world. Can’t avoid it forever, I guess.”

Ellery’s reaction was minimal—a subtle nod and a noncommittal grunt as he continued eating. The silence that followed was deafening, filled with all the things we weren’t saying. I could almost feel the weight of unspoken words pressing down on us, creating tension so thick I could barely breathe.

I desperately wanted to fill that silence, to let my usual chatter spill out and drown the ache in my chest. But for once, words failed me. What could I possibly say that wouldn’t reveal how much I was falling apart inside?

Instead, I watched Ellery finish his breakfast, his movements precise and controlled. It was like watching a stranger, not the man who’d held me so tenderly. The distance between us felt insurmountable, and I had no idea how to bridge it.

“More coffee?” I blurted out, needing to do something, anything, to break this unbearable tension.

Ellery looked up, those beautiful blue eyes meeting mine for a brief moment. “Nah, I’m good.”

Three words. That was all I got. I swallowed hard, fighting back the urge to cry or scream or beg him to let me stay. Instead, I nodded and returned to staring at my plate, wishing I could disappear into the floor.

I risked another glance at Ellery, drinking in the sight of his salt-and-pepper beard, the strong line of his jaw. Memorizing every detail to replay later when I was alone again in my crappy LA apartment.

He met my gaze, and I quickly looked away, face flushing. God, I was so obvious. He had to know how I felt. And if he’d felt the same way, he would’ve never sent me away.

So he didn’t. And I didn’t have the courage to ask him if he’d fallen for me as hard as I had for him. So I sat there in aching silence, my heart breaking with every tick of the clock that brought me closer to leaving.

My mind raced, replaying every moment we’d shared. The warmth of his embrace, the tenderness in his touch, the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed at my jokes. How could all of that mean nothing? I felt like I was drowning, gasping for air in a sea of what-ifs and maybes.

The hours crawled by, each minute stretching into an eternity. I busied myself packing, my hands shaking as I folded clothes and tucked away mementos of our time together. All the while, my heart screamed at me to unpack, to plant my feet and refuse to leave. But I couldn’t. Not when Ellery wanted me gone.

Finally, as the afternoon sun began to dip, I knew I couldn’t delay any longer. My voice sounded hollow and foreign to my own ears as I called out, “I’m heading out.”

There was a brief pause, heavy with possibility. For one wild moment, I thought he might ask me to stay. Instead, he stood, his face an unreadable mask. “Alright.”

I blinked rapidly, fighting back tears. Was this how it was going to end?

I steeled myself as Ellery approached, my heart hammering against my ribs. When he leaned in for a goodbye kiss, my resolve crumbled. His lips met mine, and I poured everything I had into that kiss—all my longing, my desire, my desperate need for him to understand what he meant to me.

The familiar warmth of his mouth, the scratch of his beard against my skin, the solid strength of his body—I tried to memorize it all. My fingers clutched at his shirt, torn between pulling him closer and pushing him away.

As we parted, I searched his eyes for any sign, any hint that he felt the same storm of emotions I did. But they remained impassive, giving nothing away.

“I…” The words stuck in my throat. What could I say? That I loved him? That I wanted to stay? That I was terrified of walking away? Instead, I mumbled, “Thanks for everything, Ellery.”

He nodded, his expression softening. “Take care of yourself, kid.”

Kid. The word stung, reminding me of the age gap between us, of all the reasons this might never work. I forced a smile and turned away, afraid he’d see the tears threatening to spill over.

“I’ll text you if I’m ever back in Forestville,” I said without looking back.

“Please do.”

Each step toward my car felt like I was wading through molasses. My bag seemed to weigh a ton, dragging me down as surely as the ache in my chest. I wanted to run back, throw myself into Ellery’s arms and beg him to give us a chance. But I kept moving forward, one leaden foot in front of the other.

As I reached for the car door, I hesitated, glancing back at the cabin. Ellery stood in the doorway, watching me. For a moment, our eyes locked, and I saw a flicker of something—Regret? Longing?—cross his face. But then he turned and disappeared inside, leaving me alone with the weight of my decision.

I peeled out of Ellery’s driveway, gravel crunching under my tires as I accelerated too fast. The snow-covered pines blurred past my windows, but I barely saw them. My vision swam, tears threatening to spill over at any moment.

I made it about two miles down the winding road before I had to pull over. My chest felt like it was being crushed in a vice, each breath a struggle. I slammed on the brakes and yanked the wheel, sending my car skidding onto the shoulder.

The moment I was stopped, the dam broke. Tears streamed down my face, hot and unrelenting. I gripped the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turned white, trying to anchor myself as sobs wracked my body.

“Fuck,” I choked out, pounding my fist against the dashboard. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

My nose was running, and I could barely see through the blur of tears. I fumbled for tissues, knocking half the contents of my backpack onto the floor in the process. Typical. I couldn’t even cry properly without making a mess.

As I blew my nose and tried to catch my breath, the questions I’d been avoiding crashed over me like a tidal wave. “Why?” I whispered, my voice cracking. “Why couldn’t he love me back?”

I slumped back in my seat, staring unseeing at the canopy of trees above. What had made him decide we weren’t ever going to work? Was it really the age difference? Did he think me too immature to know my own mind? Or was it…?

“My ADHD,” I muttered, a fresh wave of pain washing over me. Of course that had been too much for him. Who wanted someone like me to disturb their tranquility, their place of perfect peace?

I’d tried so hard to be…less. To not talk as much, to not be as hyper. To be calm and collected, like he was. But I hadn’t been able to do it. I couldn’t change who I was, not even for him.

Fresh tears spilled down my cheeks as I remembered the tender moments we’d shared. The way Ellery’s strong arms felt around me, how safe I’d felt in his embrace. The rumble of his laugh, the intensity in his blue eyes when he looked at me.

I’d so hoped he’d be able to love me back despite our age gap, despite my ADHD and who I was. But he hadn’t. And now I was alone again, my heart shattered into a million pieces on this lonely stretch of Washington road.

The fluorescent lights of the airport motel buzzed incessantly as I fumbled with the key card, my hands shaking. When the door swung open, the stark contrast to Ellery’s cozy cabin hit me like a punch to the gut.

Gone was the coziness of the fireplace, replaced by the harsh glare of a single bedside lamp. Instead of the rich scent of pine and woodsmoke, my nostrils were assaulted by the artificial freshness of industrial cleaner. The king-sized bed where Ellery and I had made love was now a narrow full size, its scratchy polyester comforter a far cry from the soft flannel sheets I’d grown accustomed to.

“Fuck,” I muttered, dropping my bag on the worn carpet. “This is… This is just…”

My voice trailed off as I sank onto the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. The silence was deafening, broken only by the occasional rumble of a plane overhead.

Sleep eluded me that night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Ellery’s face—the way his blue eyes crinkled when he laughed, the softness in them when he looked at me in the afterglow of our lovemaking. I tossed and turned, the sheets tangling around my legs as I tried to find a comfortable position.

“Stop it,” I growled at myself, punching the pillow in frustration. “Just stop thinking about him.”

But I couldn’t. My mind raced, replaying every moment we’d shared. The first time he’d fucked me, how he’d edged me, that time he’d played with my ass, pushing his load back in.

“God, Ellery,” I whimpered into the darkness, my hand sliding down to grip my hardening cock. “I miss you so fucking much.”

I stroked myself roughly, chasing the ghost of Ellery’s touch. But it wasn’t the same. It would never be the same again.

As dawn broke, I was still wide awake, my eyes red-rimmed and burning. The finality of it all settled over me like a heavy blanket. This was it. This was how it ended. Not with a bang, but with a whimper in a dingy airport motel room.

The harsh fluorescent lights of the airport terminal burned my tired eyes as I shuffled toward the gate. My carry-on felt like it weighed a ton, dragging behind me like an anchor. I collapsed into a seat near the boarding area, my body heavy with exhaustion and heartache.

As I handed my ticket to the gate agent, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflective surface of the counter. God, I looked like shit. Dark circles under my eyes, my hair a mess, clothes wrinkled from tossing and turning all night.

“Have a nice flight, sir,” the agent said with a plastic smile.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. As I walked down the jet bridge, each step felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind in Forestville. In Ellery’s cabin. In his arms.

I found my seat and shoved my bag in the overhead compartment before slumping by the window. As the plane began to taxi, I pressed my forehead against the cool glass, watching the landscape of Washington disappear.

“You okay, hon?” the elderly woman beside me asked, her voice laced with concern.

I turned to her, forcing a smile. “Yeah, just…leaving someone behind.”

She patted my hand. “Oh, sweetie. First loves are always the hardest to get over.”

I laughed bitterly. “He wasn’t my first love. But I think… I think he might be my last.”

As the plane took off, I closed my eyes, Ellery’s face appearing in my mind. His strong jawline, the salt-and-pepper beard I loved to run my fingers through, those blue eyes that seemed to see right through me.

A tear escaped despite my best efforts. I knew, deep in my bones, that I’d never feel this way about anyone else. Ellery had ruined me for other men. How could anyone else compare to his quiet strength, his gentle dominance, the way he made me feel both protected and desired?

As the plane climbed higher, leaving Forestville and Ellery far behind, I realized that a part of me would always belong to that small town in Washington. To the cabin in the woods. To the man who had shown me what it felt like to be truly seen and accepted, ADHD and all.

No matter where I went or who I met, a piece of my heart would forever remain in Forestville, with the gray-bearded silver fox who had captured it so completely.