Page 15 of Catcher's Lock

I know he’s not gay.

I know he’s only being my friend and giving me advice I probably need about kissing but definitely don’t about girls. But for the eternal second his lips are pressed to mine, my heart beatsmaybe, maybe, maybe.

He pulls back grinning, my reflection in his eyes like a secret he doesn’t have to share.

“A little salty, but see? Easy.”

“I’m gay,” I blurt.

“After one kiss? I didn’t even use my tongue.” He sticks it out at me while dipping a hand to splash water toward my chest, laughter bubbling from his throat.

Even the Pacific Ocean isn’t cold enough to stop the blush that races up my neck and sets my cheeks aflame.

“Wait.” His head cocks curiously. “You’re not fucking with me?”

I shrug, hot and cold and avoiding his gaze.

“Oh.”

I remember him fighting tears at my window when Shilo left and his furious denouncement of her relationship with Cheyenne. Every casual intimacy we’ve ever shared flies through my head, suddenly at risk, and bright, clutching terror creeps into my gut. My panic must show on my face because he reaches out, and a small, urgent part of me registers relief that there’s no hesitation when he clasps my shoulder.

“Rocket,chill. You know I don’t care, right? This doesn’t change anything about us.”

What if I want things to change?

No. I squash the thought with ruthless mercy.

“I know. I should have told you sooner.” I force a smile and shake my head. “Sorry.”

When I imagined coming out to Gem, an apology was never part of it. I wish I could take it back, erase the wrongness of it and go back to the moment before my confession.

There’s no going back, though. The truth hangs in the air between us, carried on the coastal wind back to the rest of our lives.

“You wanna head in?” he asks. “I don’t think the waves are gonna show up today.”

“Sure.”

I had my first kiss today with the boy of my dreams.

We paddle back in silence.

When we hit the break and stagger to our feet, he drags me into a rough hug. “You’re my best friend, Rocket. That’s not gonna stop because you like dick instead of pussy.”

It’s a lie. Everything changes.

7

Creatures

Josha

Age 24 (Now)

Ineed out.

I can’t stand another minute in this room with his tattoos and his toxic waste and his fucking tongue piercing. My brain stutters over the last, shying violently away from the memory of his tongue questing for mine. No part of me is allowed to think about that little mindfuck.

He’s watching me right now with that same old quirk to his lips—like he’s waiting for something he doesn’t know if he wants. Like he doesn’t care if finding the answer destroys me. And underneath it, that wavering pulse of uncertainty, his eternal need for approval.