Page 48 of Catch Me (Townsend Legacy #4)
I vy
“Yo, you got me kicked out of the premiere!”
Dennis James’ sharp voice stops me in my tracks. I had hoped he hadn’t seen me when I extracted myself from Andreas and his conversation with the two directors.
I could feel my breathing growing more shallow and my heartbeat picking up. From the moment we got out of that limo I’ve been fighting off a panic attack. I tried hard to focus on Andreas and to be there for him.
While watching the film, I could allow myself to get lost in the movie because his acting was so phenomenal. But now, seeing Dennis James, standing next to my former boss, I'm not sure how I can get out of this without falling apart.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I try to brush past him toward the stairs, which leads to the rooftop of the building, but he moves in front of me.
“ I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, ” he mocks. “You know what the fuck I’m talking about. You’re still mad because I talked a little bit of shit about you on my podcast. Yeah, you didn’t think I would remember you.”
“Don’t t-touch me,” I yell out when he tries to grab my arm.
“Dennis, maybe we should—” Rebecca, who’s been silent until this point, says.
“Look at you stuttering and shit,” Dennis continues, ignoring Rebecca. Then he starts cackling. “You’re about to have another one of those freakouts, aren’t you?”
That’s precisely when my heart starts beating so fiercely, my chest catches on fire, as if it’s on the verge of explosion.
“M-Move.” I push past him and burst through the door, tripping as I race up the stairs.
I’m beyond the point of trying to negotiate with my mind. This panic attack is going to happen. I just want to get as far away from anyone as possible when it does.
Embarrassment.
Failure.
My mind shudders as I cling to the railing, trying to pull myself up the staircase.
I throw my body against the metal door, forcing it open.
When I burst through, the feel of the night air against my skin aids in cooling my body temperature. The help doesn’t last long.
This panic attack is determined to have its way with me.
A tear escapes my eye, followed by another one. My entire body sinks into the abyss of my panic-stricken darkness and there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it.
The helplessness that washes over me only serves to plummet me deeper.
My knees go weak, and I know I’m about to topple to the ground, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it. The irrational panic has overtaken my senses.
But the moment I begin falling, strong arms are there, catching me.
“I’ve got you, baby,” Andreas calmly whispers in my ear. “I’ve got you.”
He lifts me into his arms, cradling me as he carries me somewhere. He lowers himself to a bench with me in his lap.
“I-I-I—” I’m sorry for doing this on your night.
I can’t get the words out because I can barely breathe.
“I’m here as long as you need,” he says, his voice so calm and controlled. It’s reliable. My anchor in the midst of my sea of panic.
“Don’t fight it,” he says.
“Don’t fight it.”
His words echo Dr. King’s.
I can’t fight a panic attack. I just have to let it run its course once it’s here. Which is probably what my brain has been telling me all along.
Cool air brushes against my face.
Andreas fans me. I close my eyes and search for the feeling of relief from the air against my skin. I don’t tell myself to breathe normally or try to slow my heartbeat.
In time, it happens though. My body begins to regulate itself.
“It will end. They always end.”
More words from Dr. King that I’d forgotten.
She wasn’t wrong. This panic attack eventually ends, though leaving me weak and fragile.
“I-I’m better now.” My voice comes out in a hoarse whisper, but Andreas hears me.
“Drink this.” He passes me a bottle of water.
I take tentative sips, and we sit in silence for a while with him watching me, and me unable to look at him.
You ruined his night.
That’s all I can think about. Tonight is supposed to belong to Andreas, but instead of being downstairs celebrating with everyone else who worked so hard on the film, he’s comforting me.
“I’m okay now. You can return to the celebration,” I lie through a wobbly smile.
“I know your every facial expression,” he tells me.
My gaze drops away from his.
I don’t want him to see the truth in my eyes right now. I don’t want Andreas to know how weak and shaky I am. Or the fact that I’m still just barely holding it together.
All I want is to climb into my bed and pull the blankets over my head for a few hours.
“The car is waiting at the back entrance for us.” He stands and holds out his hand for me.
“Y-You don’t have t-to leave.” I flinch at the shakiness in my voice.
“I’m not leaving you tonight, Ivy.” He continues to hold out his hand for me. “We can wait up here longer if you’re not ready to stand.”
Why does his kindness make the ache in my heart worse?
Right now, I’m way too weak to fight him, though I know he should remain here with his work colleagues.
I place my hand into his, allowing him to help me stand. My legs wobble but I manage to stand on my own. Andreas still wraps an arm around my waist to support me.
“Thank you,” I whisper. My head is too fuzzy to explain that it’s not just his help down the stairs that I’m thanking him for.
As soon as I make it into the backseat of the car, I close my eyes and let my back rest against the leather. Keeping my eyes closed is the only way I can keep the tears from streaming down my face. I’ll do that once I’m alone.
When it’s just me is when I’ll let myself cry for all of the ways I’ve let myself and Andreas down tonight.