Page 11 of C is For Corruption (Horsemen #3)

Victoria

Being alone wasn’t something I’d had to deal with in so long that now that I’d found myself alone in Dawn and Ian’s house, I wasn’t sure what to do.

I hated the feeling of being in a new place; even though the house was warm and comfortable, I just couldn’t get myself to relax.

So I found myself doing what anyone restless in a new place did: snoop.

I wasn’t going through anyone’s things, but wandering through the house, seeing what doors led to where because curiosity was all I had to indulge in.

Or rather, was safer to indulge in. I opened a door, looked around a small bathroom, and closed it again.

As I wandered down a hallway, looking at the pictures on the walls of the boys, Dawn and Ian, and other people from their lives I’d never met, I stopped to look at a picture of Joey.

The walls of this house weren’t as thick as the boys would have liked, and even though they didn’t say anything after their talks or meetings, I knew fractures were starting between them.

It was hard to reconcile the man who was so angry and hateful toward me with the Joey I’d gotten to know.

It made the others act like they had to handle me with kid gloves.

I sighed softly, continuing my exploration.

It felt like we were all waiting for something, and none of us knew what it was.

I opened another door to a bedroom that had me drawing up short.

It was one of the only unused bedrooms I’d seen, and as I stepped inside, a scent washed over me that nearly buckled my knees.

This was Rich’s room.

It smelled just like him, and I could almost see him in it after a second look around.

There were books on gardening stacked up on a small desk and a neatly made bed, and there was a straightforward and logical order in his room.

Tears pricked in my eyes as I realized the room was largely dust-free, even still.

Dawn must have cleaned it, and the idea of the woman cleaning her son’s room, knowing he would never use it again, was enough to nearly steal my breath from my chest. I couldn’t imagine.

I sat on the edge of his bed. It occurred to me that someone would have to do the same thing at our house if we ever managed to make it back there.

We’d have to pack his things… or keep the room clean.

Who would take care of his flowers? I didn’t know anything about gardening, and I could only imagine how angry he’d be if they wilted because they’d been poorly cared for.

I grabbed his pillow, pulled it into my lap, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and let the familiar presence surround me.

“I wondered how long it would be before I found you in here.” Dawn’s voice made me jump, and I jerked my head toward the door. She smiled softly, an understanding look on her face as she stepped into the room.

“Dawn! I—” I stood quickly, putting his pillow back.

“It’s alright, honey. You have just as much right to come in here as anyone else does.” She moved to his desk, letting her fingers trail along the books and the surface. “You meant a great deal to him.”

“I… wish I had known. I spent most of the time I knew him fighting with him.” I said sadly, looking at my feet.

“That was one of the things he liked about you.” Dawn chuckled. “He wasn’t used to that, and you came as a surprise.”

I didn’t know what to do with that, so I said nothing.

My eyes burned, and I blinked rapidly in an attempt to keep myself from crying in front of this woman who’d lost more than I would ever know.

I shuffled my feet together, picking at the hem of my shirt as I looked back up at her.

She’d handled everything with more grace than anyone, and it hadn’t taken long for me to understand why all the guys treated her as a mother.

“Dawn, how… How are you okay?” I asked softly.

Dawn pressed her lips together momentarily before letting out a soft sigh.

“I’m not. I’m only still standing because the rest of my boys need me.

They won’t make it through this without someone to hold them steady, and you still need a moment to grieve before you can be that for them.

When you’re ready, then… then I’ll fall apart.

” She looked at me, and it felt like she was looking into my soul.

I could see the weight of Dawn’s grief then, like the crushing pressure of an ocean on her shoulders.

It amazed me that she was still upright.

Then she let out a long breath, and it was gone.

“And I have Ian. We have each other. He holds me up when I need it. He’s…

” She trailed off, and even though I had seen how badly she was hurting, the light of love was still written all over her face as she thought about her husband.

“He’s more than a rock after all this time.

He’s my bullfighter. He has been since the first time we met at the rodeo. ”

I’d seen the pictures in his study—a young Ian and Dawn at the rodeo. Dawn was beaming with pride as a smiling Ian held up a first-place buckle and a trophy with a bucking horse on it. I couldn’t picture Ian as a rowdy cowboy, but I imagine married life and children would settle a man down.

A hand on my shoulder pulled me from my reverie, and I blinked to bring Dawn back into focus.

“Come with me. I have something to show you, ” she said with a small smile, leading me from the room.

When she shut the door behind us, she did it so gently that it was like she was closing up a shrine as we left the room.

I followed along beside her, listening to her talk because I wasn’t sure what else to do.

Dawn filled every second of silence with idle chatter, and by the time we reached the greenhouse doors, I understood why Ian was so quiet.

He didn’t have to do much talking when she did it all for both of them.

It wasn’t until we stepped inside that her words started to paint a picture of how things used to be for the Innocenti family.

“When the boys were coming up, Rich and I always spent our time in the garden. We didn’t have near the space of this place back in south side, but we were proud of it.

” She closed the door behind us and ushered me toward a small table off to the side.

There were pictures of Rich and Joey as little boys at varying ages, and it made my heart clench.

“I took up gardening before the boys came along. Ian and I struggled to have children, and after my first miscarriage I needed something to do with myself. And this was what just clicked for me. Making things grow was comforting.”

She picked up a picture of a teenage Rich, Joey looked to be just older than a toddler.

I couldn’t help but giggle at the image.

Rich was dirty, with smudges on his face, soil-stained jeans, and wearing gloves with a smile on his face.

Joey, conversely, looked like he’d rather be anywhere but there.

“When we were finally blessed with Rich, he was always out in the dirt with me; it was what we shared. I taught him everything I’d learned until he started teaching me new things. He had a way with plants.”

“Yes, he did. Everything in my mom’s old greenhouse was immaculate after he started working there.

I was surprised that someone like him was even interested in gardening, or flowers of all things.

” I set the picture back down, letting my fingers trail over a couple of others on the table that made me smile.

A five- or six-year-old Rich was in muddy clothes with a potted flower that looked like it was drowning in all the water in the pot.

Another of a toddler Rich, with Dawn, playing in the dirt while she was kneeling in the garden next to him.

“People had all kinds of assumptions about him. Well, no… assumptions is the wrong word. They weren’t necessarily wrong, but they would have been surprised by how much more he was than the image he presented to the world.

He could be hard, gruff, serious, even ruthless.

But…” She trailed off, turning to idly tend to a shelf of sprouts nearby.

“He always enjoyed being part of making things grow, breathing life into his plants. We knew what he had to be to do the job he’d made for himself, but I know my boys.

He stuck to his morals as best he could, and we were always proud of him. ”

My eyes burned again, and my gut twisted, listening to Dawn talk about her son.

The affection in her voice was unmistakable, and I felt like I wanted to be sick.

I knew if it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t have had to bury one of her children.

It took an immense effort to stay in my spot and not back out of the greenhouse.

“I always regretted that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let people close enough to him to know how deeply he did feel, how much he cared…

about all of you. About everything. He would have traded his life for…

” Her voice cracked, and I felt something in me do the same thing.

Fresh tears started spilling from my eyes. “For any one of the people he loved.”

I gripped the table to keep myself standing, breathing heavily as a wave of grief crashed over me.

Rich did trade his life for us. Dawn and Ian had lost a son.

Joey lost his brother. Az, Craig, and Leighton had lost one of their closest friends.

I was never going to be able to forgive myself for costing them that.

“I’m so… so fucking sorry…” I choked out as a sob shook my chest. Dawn turned to face me, her eyes wide. She stepped toward me, reaching me just as my knees gave out, and knelt with me when I sank to the ground. She gathered me to her chest as I cried and apologized.

“Shhhh honey. I know.” Dawn crooned, petting my hair and rocking me slightly. I wanted to pull away, but I didn’t have the strength.

She didn’t know. Her and Ian’s grief, Joey’s anger, the weight on Az’s shoulders, Craig’s tears, and even Leighton’s refusal to acknowledge what was happening… The voice in my head wouldn’t stop screaming that it was all my fault.

“None of this is your fault,” She said as she continued to soothe me.

“The boys may not have liked me and Ian in their business, but Rich told me about your situation. Sometimes, even mob bosses need advice from their mothers.” She chuckled lightly before continuing.

“From everything he told me, this mess has been about our boys all along. You just happened to be the carrot that got dangled from the stick. If it hadn’t been you, it would’ve been something , but this way, we can know he was truly loved for everything he was before he left this world. ”

“But, if I–.” I started to protest.

Dawn pulled back enough to look me in the eyes, her hands gently squeezing my shoulders.

“When he decided on his line of work, I knew there was likely going to be a day I put one or all of my boys to rest. It’s why we fought him so hard on it for so long.

Even long after they’d established themselves in their world.

None of it is what a mother ever wants for her child, but Rich…

he’s always been stubborn. Stubbornness and a mother’s prayers don’t change what the life they lead costs.

And neither does blaming yourself for something that was always a possibility for them long before you were in the picture.

There will be a day when you have to decide if their life is the life for you, or if you’re going to walk away.

But I’m gonna tell you now, if you stay, you need to start preparing yourself now for this sort of funeral being a given for your future.

Whether it’s one of them or another in their ranks.

Only you know if that’s something you’re strong enough to endure. ”

The tears had stopped while she talked, and I was just sitting curled against her, considering her words. Before this, I hadn’t really thought that any of my men would die despite everything I’d seen. Could I go through this again?

“And honey, you’re entitled to make whatever choice is best for you, but I hope for their sake that you choose them. Because I know my boys well enough to know that if you walk away, you’re going to take part of them with you.”