Page 5 of Burning Love (The Lost World #5)

5

ALEX

F og clung stubbornly to the air as Alex struggled to pry her eyes open. The previous night’s restless sleep pressed heavily on her. She blinked groggily, her vision blurry, and leaned against the gate.

God, this thing needs fixing. It’s shoddy as hell.

Suddenly, the faint crunch of footsteps broke through her haze. Alex’s head jerked up, her tired eyes snapping toward the approaching figure. It was Sophie.

Alex snapped into focus in an instant. The way Sophia moved was so different from everyone else. She was nothing like the soldiers she was so accustomed to. The fact that she’d been a dancer was evident from her gait and quiet grace. To look at the woman, nobody would believe the world had completely fallen apart around her. Her eyes were bright with curiosity. Alex could see that Sophia was constantly observing what was going on at the compound but never judging.

That morning, she was carrying a huge sack of grain, her hair falling loosely over her shoulder, some strands escaping the messy bun she usually wore it in. As she neared, Alex caught sight of a small cut on her arm, blood staining the fabric of her sleeve.

Without thinking, Alex started moving toward her. Her boots thumped heavily on the ground, matching the frantic beat of her heart.

“Hey there! You need some help?” Alex asked, her voice clipped. “Looks like you’ve hurt yourself.”

A quick smile broke over Sophia’s face. “I’m alright,” she said, though there was a slight wince as she adjusted the load in her arms. Alex wasn’t fooled.

She gently pulled Sophia’s arm down, inspecting the cut. It was small, but it still made Alex wince at the sight of it. She could feel the warmth of Sophia’s skin beneath her fingertips. The sensation made her pulse flutter slightly.

“Are you sure you’re not in any pain?” Alex asked.

“I guess a little,” Sophia replied, her gaze fixed on Alex’s hand. Neither of them moved for a few seconds. The moment felt suspended in time, like something was pulling them toward each other. “It was a bread knife. Ellen said I should be more careful.”

Sophia tried to pull her arm back, but Alex’s grip tightened, her fingers brushing over the cut once more. It was a small, almost intimate gesture, but at that moment, Alex couldn’t let go. “I’ll clean it up for you. Come on. I’ve got a first aid kit in my quarters. Pay Ellen no mind. She’s such a grump.”

Sophia, looking slightly surprised, followed her.

In her quarters, Alex set the first aid box down next to her bed, her fingers brushing against the edge of Sophia’s thigh in the process. It was so brief—almost imperceptible—but the contact had an effect on Alex. She felt breathless. The warmth of the touch lingered on her fingertips, and she was suddenly aware of every nerve in her body, every inch of her skin.

Sophia’s eyes flickered down to where their hands had brushed, and then back up to meet Alex’s gaze. “Thank you for this,” she said, her voice shaking, like she was acknowledging something unspoken between them.

The air felt heavy, the stillness between them thick with something unsaid. Alex could hear the occasional sound of footsteps from the guards outside. But in that moment, life on the compound seemed distant. It was just the two of them, standing close, with a quiet tension that neither of them seemed willing to break.

“I can help you carry that bag to the kitchen if you want,” Alex mumbled as she cleaned the cut and gently placed a Band-Aid over the top of it. She shifted her weight, trying to ease the tightness in her chest, but it wouldn’t go away. Her mind was swirling, conflicted, torn between the need to stay professional and the pull of something… more.

Sophia didn’t answer immediately; she just gave a small, knowing smile. “I think I’ve got it,” she said, maintaining eye contact with Alex.

Alex felt her skin tingling. Heat coiled low in her abdomen, her chest tightening under Sophia’s gaze. She shifted on her feet uneasily, her fingers flexing at her sides, aching with the restraint it took not to reach out and touch Sophia.

“Okay,” she murmured, forcing herself to step back. Her legs felt like lead, every fiber of her body protesting the retreat.

Sophia’s gaze never wavered, dark and knowing, as if she could see every crack in Alex’s resolve. When the younger woman turned and started walking away, her hips swayed with a natural rhythm that seemed designed to tease Alex.

The faintest trace of Sophia’s scent lingered in the air after she’d gone, and Alex swore she could still feel the essence of her in the room—a warmth that wasn’t usually present in this cold, dingy space. As she stood rooted to the floorboards, she felt her jaw tighten with both frustration and desire. Her limbs were heavy as she let out a deep sigh.

The following day was no different. Every time Alex passed Sophia on the compound, it was like the entire world narrowed, the space between them nothing at all. They said very little to each other, for there wasn’t much to say, but there were moments, brief moments, where Alex couldn’t stop herself from noticing the way Sophia’s eyes lingered on her.

Later in the afternoon, as dusk approached, she saw Sophia again. This time, she was standing near the compound’s eastern fence, looking out toward the horizon, her back to the hangars and various outbuildings. The air was growing cooler by the second, so Alex wrapped her arms across her chest as she approached. She thought Sophia might hear her and turn around, but she didn’t.

She could see Sophia’s soft neckline, the way her neck muscles shifted beneath her shirt and the slight rise and fall of her shoulders as she breathed. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, a few strands escaping and curling around her ears.

When Alex stopped behind her, the sound of her own breathing suddenly felt too loud. Even from this distance, she could feel Sophia’s heat, the faint scent of the soap she had given her, mixed with the scent of hot bread. It was intoxicating.

Alex opened her mouth to say something, but as her lips parted, no sound escaped her lips. What could she say? That she couldn’t stop thinking about her? Every time they were near each other, her mind raced with improper thoughts, and her body ached with longing.

She’d think you were insane.

Sophia turned at that point, her face totally unreadable. “Hey! You’re a sneaky one. I didn’t hear you coming,” she said, a smile playing on her lips.

“Sorry,” Alex muttered, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. She glanced down at the ground, unsure of what to do with herself.

Sophia’s eyes softened. She stepped closer, and Alex caught the faintest touch of her fingertips brushing against her arm. It was light, barely there, but it was enough to send a shock through Alex’s whole body.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” Sophia mumbled as she looked down at her feet. “You don’t have to keep your distance, you know? Not from me.”

Alex swallowed hard, her pulse racing. She was losing control; she could feel it. The rules of life as someone in command here on the compound were slipping away with every second she stood near Sophia.

Sophia reached out, her hand brushing lightly against Alex’s fingers.

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to look after me, of course,” Sophia added, her voice barely above a whisper. “You don’t have to take on that responsibility, Alex. But don’t feel like you have to stay away either. I… kinda like it when you’re close…”

And that was it. At that moment, Alex couldn’t hold back any longer. She gasped under her breath as she closed the distance between them, her hands trembling as she reached for Sophia’s face. “What about this?” she asked, tracing the soft line of Sophia’s jaw. “Is this too close?”

“Not at all.”

The tension hung in the air like a thread between them, thick and fragile. Alex had to break it. She had to leave before she said or did something she couldn’t take back.

What the fuck are you playing at, Alex?

She took one last look at Sophia, her chest tight with unsaid words, and forced herself to turn away.

Sophia didn’t stop her.

Alex trudged across the compound, her feet feeling cramped in her boots and her arms swinging below her slumped shoulders. The weight of what almost happened felt suffocating.

Did I just try to kiss her? I did, didn’t I?

Every step felt like walking into battle. By the time she reached one of the old supply closets tucked into the corner of Hangar C, her hands were trembling.

She pushed open the door, stepping into the dim, musty room. The faint smell of oil and metal filled her nose as she turned the lock behind her with a quiet click. Finally alone. Her knees buckled, and she sank to the floor, her back pressed against the wall. She drew her legs up to her chest, resting her forehead against them as her shoulders began to shake.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Her mind replayed the scene with Sophia on a relentless loop. It was all too much. Alex clenched her fists, her nails digging into her palms. She’d felt so out of control, so exposed. Years of discipline, of training, of burying everything under layers of military toughness and stoicism, and Sophia had nearly unraveled it all. She’d almost fucked it all up.

A desperate sob ripped its way out of her chest. There was nothing she could do to stop it. She moved a hand over her mouth to try to block the noise, but what was happening in her mind was too strong to keep under control. Stashed-away memories came popping up at an unbidden and merciless rhythm.

She was thirteen again, sitting in the back row of her middle school classroom. She couldn’t remember where it was. Her father had been stationed in many places. Maybe up in Alaska somewhere. She couldn’t remember. And had no one to ask. The whispers had started a few weeks earlier, small and insidious. At first, she’d paid them zero attention. She’d always been different. So what? She was built differently from the other girls. She was taller, stockier. She was stronger. She couldn’t care less about the things they cared about—makeup, boys,the next dance. She’d instead go fishing, play ball games, or go out with her dad on his motorcycle on one of his rare days off.

But then the whispers grew louder.

“Did you see her this morning when she got off the bus? Why does she dress like that?”

“She’s probably a lezbo. I kinda feel sorry for her. She’s probably secretly in love with Kaylee. Do you think?”

“But what about that hair? Seriously? She looks like she’s trying out for the football team. It’s gross if you ask me. She shouldn’t be allowed to come to class looking like that.”

She would pretend not to hear, but the words sliced through her like knives. She would feel the blood rushing to her neck and face every time she walked past a group of girls huddled together. They were poison. Especially that one… Jenna? Jenna Mayfield? Yeah, that was it. The name came back to her as clear as day. Whenever she crossed paths with Jenna and her little gang of mini-Jennas, she’d glance down at her worn sneakers, trying to make herself smaller. But Jenna’s mocking eyes would always find her.

One day, she’d made the mistake of confronting her bully. She’d stood in front of Jenna and said, “Hey, would you dare say that to my face?”

It hadn’t gone as she’d expected. Jenna had smirked, tilting her head in mock pity. “Um, yeah. No problem. Anyway, what’s your beef? It’s not like we’re lying. Everyone knows you’re a carpet muncher.”

The laughter that followed had cut Alex to the core.

Alex tried to shuffle into a more comfortable position, her butt cheeks cold against the concrete. She wiped her face, but the tears kept coming. The pain of those moments felt as raw now as it had then. She’d never told anyone what happened. Not her parents, not her teachers. Instead, she’d buried it deep, pretending none of it mattered. But it had forced her into hiding, even from herself. It had taught her to build walls so high that no one could see over them. Not much different from the compound she now found herself in.

Her parents had never suspected she was queer. Or if they had, they’d never said a word to her. She guessed they were old-school, a little on the conservative side, maybe more than a little. Her mom had said how strong and independent she was—and maybe that wasn’t a compliment—and had clearly worried that she never brought any friends back for sleepovers or ever asked for a lift to the mall. When it came to her dad, he had always just been pleased to have someone on hand to help fix things. And when she’d decided to follow in his footsteps and join the Army, he couldn’t have been more delighted. Alex knew the truth deep down. If she’d confided in either one of them, it would’ve broken them.

Joining the army had been the escape she needed. And she loved every minute of it. It was a way to prove herself, to channel her mistrust of others and her fear of who she really was into something useful. But even after a few years, as she began to climb the ranks, she still kept her distance from others. She did her best to remain professional at all times. She’d had one fleeting moment with a woman—a stolen kiss in the dark barracks, followed by a hurried moment of pleasure. The other woman had taken the lead, her hands sliding with confident urgency under Alex’s waistband. It was rushed, almost frantic, a blend of curiosity and unspoken need. The pressure built quickly as the woman’s touch grew bolder, drawing a soft, involuntary sound from Alex’s lips as she came. Moments later, Alex shuddered as she clung to the other woman for balance. Jade. That was her name. She’d lost her virginity in a matter of minutes to a woman she barely knew. Alex had never really processed it properly. She had also never allowed it to go any further. She never allowed herself for even a second to hope for more. It was easier that way. It was safer.

Alex leaned her head back against the wall, staring up at the dim lightbulb overhead.

Lightbulbs… Wow. I wonder how long they’ll last. I wonder if we have any spares.

The tears had slowed, but her chest still ached. Even now, when it was the end of the fucking world, she was still hiding. Still pretending to be this brave, strong woman. It was pathetic.

She thought about Sophia again. The way her smile caused a warm sensation to form in her belly and the way she moved with such quiet strength. Alex’s heart twisted painfully in her chest. For the first time in what felt like forever, she wanted something. She wanted to be close to someone, to let them see the parts of her she’d kept locked away. But the thought of actually opening herself up like that was too much to handle

“She’s probably not even a—” she whispered before cutting herself off, unable to actually say the word lesbian out loud. “Oh, stop it, Alex. You’re stronger than this.”

But she wasn’t. Not when it came to this. Not when it came to anything even remotely verging on the idea of romance.

Her thoughts spiraled again, back to the compound. She knew the others must have assumed things about her. How could they not? She was as butch as they come. It wasn’t something she could hide, even if she wanted to. She’d accepted that part of herself long ago. But accepting it didn’t mean she was ready to do anything about it. She’d spent her whole life denying what she wanted. The question now was whether or not she knew how to stop.

Alex’s breath hitched as another wave of emotion crashed over her. She pressed her palms to her eyes, trying to block it all out. The memories, the fear, the longing. She felt like she was coming apart at the seams, and there was no one there to catch her.

She thought about what Sophia had said earlier. The words replayed in her mind, over and over. Did she mean it? There’d been some flirting, hadn’t there? Or was she misreading the situation? Was it even possible for someone like Sophia to see something in Alex? Or was the girl just being sweet? Alex didn’t know. She’d spent so long second-guessing herself, pushing people away, that she didn’t know what to believe these days.

She felt like she could stay in this small room forever. But deep down, she knew she couldn’t keep running. She had tried to build up a wall to protect herself, but cracks were starting to appear. And Sophia was making her way through those cracks.

Alex’s hands fell to her lap. She looked down at them and felt ashamed of how rough and calloused they appeared. Hers were hands that had held weapons, worked the soil, scavenged, patched up walls, and bandaged the wounds of those she cared for. She realized that those hands had done so much but had never truly reached for what she wanted. She flexed her fingers. Maybe it was time to change that.