Page 8 of Burning Hearts (Chasing Fire: Alaska #1)

EIGHT

Logan tossed another log on the fire he had made. The one now starting to come to life in the firepit. I’m just me.

She’d said that like it was bad thing.

Logan hadn’t known how to respond, so they’d walked in silence across the runway, and he’d eventually figured out how to ask her to sit outside with him for a little bit. Rather than retreating to his room while she went to wherever the girls had set up for her to sleep, he just felt like they should actually talk.

Maybe for the first time.

Not that they hadn’t had conversations when they were dating before. It just seemed as if those might’ve been more surface level rather than real connection.

Lord, help me figure out what to say.

He had been a table over at dinner, letting her have her space after they’d spent all day together, most of which had involved running from gunmen shooting at them. Of course, he’d kept one eye on her like a total stalker, half listening to Orion’s story, seeing how she focused on Neil and whatever he’d been saying to her. The older man had some great stories.

Logan settled in a wooden chair close to the fire. “Neil didn’t tell you something scary, did he?”

She probably had a low threshold for fear right now, given the adrenaline of the day. Seated beside him in a matching chair, close enough he could reach over and hold her hand, Jamie shook her head. “Nothing like that. Mostly he was telling me about the people you work with and all the crazy things they’ve been through up here over the years.”

“Most of that was years ago. Before I came up here.” She didn’t need to worry about what had happened in Montana last year. All that had been taken care of.

She shifted her attention from the fire in front of them to him, one eyebrow raised. “Oh? I thought you said all that craziness happened with Bryce just a few weeks ago.”

“That isn’t what you guys were talking about though, right?” He squirmed in his seat. Kane crossed the runway, walking beside Sanchez. The last ones to head back from dinner.

Sanchez headed for them. She pulled a paper from her pocket and held it out. “When you were in that compound, did you guys see this man?”

Jamie took the photo, then handed it to Logan. “I didn’t. Logan moved around more than me though.”

He studied the picture of an older man with a pale-colored shirt, hands together in front of him, but the photo was cropped, so he couldn’t see below the wrists. Thin. Maybe too thin. He looked like a man in poor health at best.

He looked at Sanchez. Behind her, Kane had a dark expression on his face that Logan couldn’t figure out. “I didn’t see him. Sorry. Who is he?”

Sanchez took the photo. “Thanks for looking.”

Kane stared after her for a beat and then moved to catch up with her.

Jamie frowned. “She’s not normally like that, right?”

Logan didn’t know what to make of Sanchez just now either. But he wanted to get his conversation with Jamie back on track. “I wasn’t trying to freak you out, leaving you alone at dinner. I was trying to help you get a reprieve from all of it—from me.” For all he knew, Neil had made it sound like that stuff was commonplace around here. “Sorry.”

And then she’d told him that she wasn’t a hero. She was just herself.

He needed to figure out where her head was at, because he might be intent on letting her go—or pushing her away—but she was here. She wasn’t okay, and he cared about her.

He probably always would.

He said, “We survived today, didn’t we?”

Thanks to the Lord putting a hand of protection on them.

“But Tristan didn’t get out. He’s still back there.”

“It’s not easy to feel powerless.” Logan had certainly felt that way, hearing what Bryce had gone through. But his brother had trusted in the Lord as well, and God had guided him through it. Now Bryce and Penny were healing and enjoying spending time together. Things had definitely calmed down, which was good.

Logan wanted to tell Jamie that when he felt powerless like that, he tried to give it over to the Lord. But even though she was a Christian, it seemed like there was a wall there she didn’t want Logan to get past. As if Jamie had put a barrier between the strength of her faith and the people in her life.

He wondered if she might not want to hear what he had to say about trusting God.

“No, it isn’t easy.” She spoke quietly, as if deep in her own thoughts.

“I know you’re scared for him, Jamie. But Tristan is probably glad you’re safe. As a brother, I would guess he’s just grateful you got out even if he didn’t.” Logan looked down at his clasped hands, between his knees. “I know if it was Andi who’d waded into a dangerous situation to help me out, I’d be glad when she wasn’t in the line of fire.”

“You don’t think it’s better to weather that stuff together?”

Logan needed to tread carefully. “I think he has less to worry about if he knows you’re safe. He can focus on what he feels like he has to do.”

“So I shouldn’t have come. Pretty sure you already said that a few times.”

Yeah, he had. She knew exactly where he stood. “Even if he doesn’t show it, I know Tristan appreciates how much you want to be there for him. How you put everything aside and try to help him out.”

“Even if it’s a terrible idea?”

“It’s better than feeling like you’ve been forgotten by people who are supposed to show up for you.” He sat back in the seat, watching the fire pop and crackle, sending embers up into the air.

It felt like the Fourth of July out here—a night where you wanted to set off fireworks, but it got dark so late in the evening that waiting to celebrate felt almost endless.

Sitting around outside in the daylight, waiting for the sun to go down.

At least the fire beat back the chill in the air.

Hopefully it also helped to subdue any wildfires overnight. In the morning, they would assess the situation, and Tucker would decide if they needed to go out—or more likely, just where they would be going. He didn’t like the idea of leaving Jamie and going out to fight a fire, but at least she was safe here while she waited to hear word of her brother.

“Your family is the best. Why does it sound like you know what it feels like to be forgotten?”

Logan glanced over and saw she was looking at him. “Because I do. Maybe to some people it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but it made such an impression on me I’ve never managed to let go of it.”

Part of what he had learned about God that he appreciated the most was the fact his Father in heaven could stand in the gap. Especially helpful considering Logan’s dad had a medical condition that had changed the relationship they’d always had before the car accident. Logan didn’t feel the lack when God would always be there. He would never forget about Logan, even while Logan’s father was deteriorating and often asked who he was.

Not his dad’s fault.

But it didn’t lessen the pain any.

“What happened?” She curled her legs up on the seat, her body turned toward his.

Logan watched the jump base dog trot between two buildings and cross the runway, coming toward them. “I can’t remember exactly, but I must have been about twelve, because I was in middle school. My mom worked a lot, you already know that. But back then, my dad did as well. Having two working parents meant there was a nanny who picked us up from school or whatever afterschool thing we had, athletics or music lessons.

“Bryce and I had baseball practice. The nanny was brand-new, and it was her first day. She showed up with Andi to take us home. I was in the bathroom, and she loaded up Bryce and drove home with him and Andi. Everyone at school had gone home, so there was no one in the building. And I didn’t have a cell phone until I got my driver’s license. So I just sat on the curb for a while.”

“The nanny didn’t know you and Bryce were twins?”

Logan shook his head. “Bryce and Andi tried to tell her, but she didn’t believe them. She thought they were joking just to mess with her.”

“What did you do?”

“It started to get dark, so I walked home. It was about six miles, and I was starving hungry. I remember seeing a stray dog, and it lunged at me. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen door, and my mom had just got home as well. She was like, ‘Oh, there you are,’ and no one else said anything. Mom probably thought I was just in the yard.”

The next day, the nanny had been pretty surprised that there were two Crawford boys and their sister. But it wasn’t like she had apologized for leaving him behind, since she would have had to admit her mistake to their mom.

“Maybe my life wasn’t always as perfect as you thought it was.” But then, despite the impression it left on him, it really was one small thing that had happened when he was in middle school.

Jamie reached over and laid her hand on his. “I’m sorry you got left behind.”

Logan stared at their hands. “Thanks.” He swallowed against the lump in his throat, trying to be brave like that night. Despite the fear. Despite what lurked beyond the edges of his awareness.

But underneath it all, he was still a scared little boy trying to be brave.

The dog wandered close enough to sniff their hands.

Jamie chuckled. “Hi, dog.”

“This is Jubal.” And he’d totally broken the tension in the air between them.

Animals had a way about them. Logan always felt better with an affectionate dog around. His life just didn’t lend itself to him having one, never being around to take care of it.

He gave Jubal a rubdown. “I think that’s why I became a firefighter. First in Last Chance County.” Then as a wildland firefighter after he and Jamie had broken up, doing what he loved but as far from the pain of seeing her as possible. “Now out here.”

“Because you’re a hero.” She smiled at the dog. “It’s who you’re supposed to be.”

“I do it because I meet people on their worst day, and I see them with the same fear in their eyes that I probably had realizing I was all alone. And I let them know that, despite what it feels like, they aren’t forgotten.”

She squeezed his hand.

Logan turned his over and linked their fingers. “Even out here. Maybe especially out here because a lot of people don’t have help close by. We get to make a difference in their lives and try to make sure they don’t lose everything they’ve built.”

* * *

Logan traced his thumb across the back of her hand. Not exactly what Jamie had thought they’d be talking about out here, but it was honestly reassuring to hear that the Crawfords might not be so perfect after all. Still, she couldn’t imagine being twelve and forgotten about like that.

She looked at the fire. “I don’t know when I first became aware that I’d have to do things for myself because my mom certainly wasn’t going to.”

Logan shifted in his chair but didn’t say anything.

“I used to make sure Tristan got breakfast before school. I took him to his bus stop and then walked to my school.” Thankfully, it hadn’t been far, but while most kids had ridden bikes or scooters, she had walked on the edge of the road beside the curb so they didn’t hit her when they whizzed past on the sidewalk.

“You’ve been taking care of him for a long time.”

She nodded. “It isn’t a spiral. It’s just how things have always been, because we knew that if we didn’t take care of each other, then no one else was going to worry about us.”

They wouldn’t have ended up forgotten for just one night, like Logan had been, but for years. They would have fallen through the cracks.

Who knew what Tristan would have gotten into if she hadn’t repeatedly pulled him out of jams with the worst kind of friends, or jobs that were less than legitimate.

She’d stood by him when he’d faced legal charges.

Picked him up after sixty days in the county jail.

“I care about him,” she said. “And just like with my mom’s rehab bill, I have the resources to help them live better lives.” She had left her credit card on file with the rehab center. Same way she did every time. They’d charge her for the days her mom stuck around and hopefully wouldn’t continue to charge her after Mom checked herself out before the program ended.

At least this time it seemed like her mom intended to stick around for a while. Longer than ever before so far.

The dog lay down on the dirt by the fire with a groan and set his chin on his paws, all brown curly hair that fell over his eyes.

“How did you get into finance?”

As much as he kept his tone light, she heard the curiosity in his question. “I went to college close by so that Tristan and I could be roommates. We had this awful apartment on a rough side of town. I took extra classes online and worked. At some point I realized I was good at financial accounts and investment portfolios. It seemed like all my strategies paid off for the most part. No one is perfect, and things always fluctuate. It’s not a guarantee of success. But I play the long game, and I managed to show my professors what I could do.”

Back then, she’d been barely into her twenties and had the energy levels to pull all-nighters. To work and then study and then go back to work. Tristan had pitched in, and things had been good for months at a time usually.

These days she didn’t work all night, but those early days building the business had been intense.

“Samuel was friends with one of my professors. He’s my chief financial officer now, but back then, he offered me a job at his company. When I turned him down because I wanted to start my own, he offered to mentor me. When he retired, he came on my board of directors and took the job as chief operations officer.”

“It’s good he can keep things running in your absence. Then you won’t lose income because you aren’t working.”

Yeah, she was going to have to explain that. And yet, at the same time, it felt as if she had to apologize for her success. The whole thing was just a giant guilt trip after a lady at church had told her she should be trying to get married and have babies rather than “seek worldly advancement.”

Then again, that woman had zero clue what Jamie was accomplishing at work, and seemed to have overlooked the fact she didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time.

After that, it had been easier to focus on her career rather than how lonely she was.

Jamie said, “Things are steady. A lot of it just keeps its momentum, so I don’t need to worry.”

“The business is solid? That’s impressive, even in a good economy. Building a business is hard, I’m sure.”

“Nearly ten years now. It’s…I make a lot of money, Logan.” She tugged her fingers from his, not quite sure what he was going to say.

Her last boyfriend—during the time Logan had been in Australia—had broken up with her because he hadn’t liked the fact she made more money than he did. So much for being honest.

The reality was that if she had to find someone who made more money than her, Jamie needed to take a vacation in the Mediterranean and find some heir to an oil tycoon so she could marry within the same tax bracket.

“Most people get uncomfortable when they find out how successful I am. It’s why I never said anything. I tried, after you. It didn’t go well. What you do is impressive, and the people you work with are impressive. All I know how to do is financial stuff. I’ve never been good at anything else, and I try not to feel bad about my success when so many people don’t have a lot of money. I know what it’s like to barely make ends meet.”

He glanced at her.

She could see it out the corner of her eye, but she didn’t meet his gaze. What if he thought her money made him less of a man because he was supposed to be the one who provided for her? She didn’t want to have to apologize for it like her ex, Steve, thought she should. As if there was something wrong with her for having the means to take care of herself.

Logan said, “So you’re…independently wealthy or something?”

“I always wanted to be one of those people who give so much to nonprofits that they drop off the billionaires list.” Her stomach flipped over.

There, she’d said it.

“ Billionaires ?”

Jamie winced. “I usually don’t tell anyone. It’s not as if a town like Last Chance County is going to let me live a quiet life if I build some huge mansion-castle on the top of the hill overlooking town as if I have to use my money to lord it over everyone.”

“So you live in an average middle-class house and keep it a secret?”

She had kept it a secret.

At least he hadn’t pointed out it was basically lying.

“I guess the guy who does the books at church—at all the churches around town and the hospitals and the kids’ programs and the women’s shelter—probably has some kind of a clue.” She had the great joy of funding a lot of programs, and ones for kids were the best. Like the one she’d heard about a couple of months ago. A firefighter at Eastside firehouse wanted to start a community center for local disadvantaged kids.

She’d been planning to call Eddie when she’d heard her brother was in Alaska.

“So you give a lot of money away.”

“Right up until they start calling me and asking for donations. That always seems a little off, like they start a building project and suddenly I’m getting a lot of attention paid to me?”

“Sounds like a cynical life.”

“I would rather just be me, the girl who grew up in the trailer park. I like to play tennis. I like to go see movies with my brother or go to coffee with Kelsey. If the local hospital needs a new wing, then I’ll have someone else write a check for me so my name is never on the side of any building.”

Logan sat back in his chair and studied her. He bent his elbow and put his chin in his hand. Stared at her.

“What?”

“You pointed out that I’m a hero. Seems to me like you help people how you can, and maybe it’s no less valuable. You increase the hospital’s ability to treat patients who really need it, while I stand in the gap between someone’s whole life packed inside a cabin and the wildfire raging toward them.”

“You know my big secret now.”

“That you’re a hero too? Just in your own way.”

He really accepted who she was, just like that? “Why didn’t we have this conversation years ago?”

He looked at the fire, his head back against the chair. “I don’t know. But I’m learning to accept that God has perfect timing.”

“If He’s doing something, I have no idea what it is.” Jamie shifted to the edge of her seat.

“That’s the part where faith becomes an adventure.”

She wanted to believe that, but for years her spiritual life had been…dry. Maybe what faith she’d had in God was a thing of the past. She certainly hadn’t trusted Him to help her find Tristan.

She stood. “It’s still daylight out here, but my watch says bedtime.” She still wasn’t used to the time difference between here and home, or the long days this far north.

“The girls made a spot for you?”

She nodded. “There’s a spare bed in Sanchez’s room.”

He glanced over. “Thanks for sitting out here with me.”

“Thank you for telling me your story,” she said. “And listening to mine.”

She’d had so many different reactions that she’d long since given up inviting the vitriol that came from bitter people who thought she considered herself better than them for being successful. Or people who thought her being wealthy meant she should have an open hand anytime they asked.

“I’m glad you felt you could trust me with it.” And yet there was sadness in his gaze. Logan lifted his hand and touched her cheek. “Did we miss it?”

“Maybe it shouldn’t be this hard to agree.”

“I think we agree on plenty.” He seemed closer than a moment ago, his voice soft. “Helping people who need it. Living a quiet life. That might be more than we had before.”

But was it enough?

Logan leaned down until his lips were a breath from hers.

A screen door creaked. “Jubal, come ’ere! Let’s eat!”

Logan turned his face away and put his forehead on her shoulder. She heard the groan leave his lips. “Grizz.”

The dog shook off, his tags jingling, and headed for the men’s cabin.

And the moment was over.

Maybe it was for the best. Jamie stepped back. “Like I said. Thanks.”

Logan nodded. “Anytime.”

And it seemed like he really meant it.