Page 123 of Breaking the Dark

“Couple of years.”

“And during those years, what have you done to try to heal from the injuries it inflicted on you?”

“Drink.”

“Drink?”

“Yeah. I have drunk my way through it. But now…”

“You can’t?”

“No. I can’t. I still want to. But I can’t.”

“So what are you using as a coping mechanism now?”

“Nothing. I have nothing. Tried to get into healthy eating, but that didn’t stick.”

“Exercise?”

Jessica makes a scoffing noise.

“So your crutch is no longer available to you, and you haven’t found a replacement crutch?”

“Correct.”

“Okay. So listen, I know this is painful, but can you tell me a little about what it was like, when you were under the control of it? What did it feel like?”

Jessica closes her eyes and casts her mind back to a place she usually tries so hard to avoid. “It was…disgusting.”

“Disgusting?”

“Yes. It was the most disgusting thing. He was disgusting. The things he made me do were disgusting. The things he made me watch him do. Doing those things to those girls he made me pick up for him. The way he made me feel. And the smell…” She rocks backward into the sofa and emits a low groan. She can feel bile rising from the pit of her gut. “He had this smell. I think it was a cologne. But it was mixed in with his raw…urgh…his essence, his filthy, putrid essence, turned it to a stench, and that stench was all over me, always, without him even touching me. My skin smelled of him, my hair. I couldn’t get rid of that stench for so long. So many months. I showered twice a day, I got rid of all my clothes. I had a haircut, to like, here.” She gestures to her jawline with her hand. “And to be someone so strong. Someone built to do good in this world. Doing such, such bad things. Like being a poet forced to write Nazi propaganda. Or a singer forced to scream. The looks on people’s faces when they saw the things I did. Those girls, when they realized I had betrayed them. I just…”

She stops, abruptly, lets her head collapse. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m not sure I want to talk about this.”

“No. That’s fine. Of course not. But I want you to know now that you smell really good.” She smiles. “Your trauma, I can see it. It’s crystal clear. But him—it?—that’s gone.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“No. I promise you. You are clean.”

“Hmm.” Jessica wants to believe her. But she can’t.

“And now you are home to somebody else.” She glances down at Jessica’s belly. “How is that going? All okay?”

“Yeah. I had a scan. Healthy baby living inside there doing all the things it’s supposed to do.”

Amber smiles warmly. “That’s great news, Jessica! And I’m so relieved to hear it.” She places her hand against her heart. “I still can’t believe I sent you over to England in your condition and put you both in the path of so much danger. I feel a personal responsibility for you to have a healthy pregnancy. I really do. And the father…Have you told him yet?”

“No. No, not yet. He’s out of town, visiting family down south. And I feel like I’m gonna wait, you know, until the twelve-week mark. Because…”

“Yeah. I get it. You don’t want to hurl a hand grenade into your relationship until you know for sure.”

“Exactly.”

“How do you think he’s going to take it?”

Jessica exhales. “No clue. He says he wouldn’t want to bring kids into this world. But that was a theoretical opinion, and this isn’t a theoretical kid. So.” She shrugs. “I really don’t know. But I do know I want to keep it. Her. I want to keep her. With or without…him.”