Page 8

CHAPTER

EIGHT

“Welcome to Hersay’s funeral home, how can we…”

The receptionist’s smile melted right off her face once she saw who it was. Her name tag said CLARA, with a flower sticker after the A . She was in her late thirties with a bad dye, boob, and nose job, and Kade had no idea why she already hated him. Most of the hatred came from his classmates, and some of their parents. Maybe she’d seen him hissing at them around town. Or she took offense with his shaved head and painted nails, or she didn’t like that he had the demeanor of a feral cat. Maybe she overheard someone call him Monster, took one look at him and thought yeah, makes sense.

Kade beamed at her. “Hi! I was wondering if you guys are hiring? I’m passionate about the death business. ”

Clara’s expression soured even more, snub nose twisting in displeasure.

“Hiring,” she repeated. She gave him another once-over: crooked teeth, chain on his wallet, miniature swords dangling from his ears. “We don’t really…”

“Come on,” he wheedled. “There’s gotta be somewhere I can drop in my CV. Sorry, resume . You don’t have a job application box back there? Something to let the manager know I’m interested…wait, do you guys have managers?”

“We have a director.” Her lips pulled up, strained with Botox and how much she wanted to tell him to get out. “We don’t have an applications box. It’s a small job pool.”

Kade nodded and pointed. “What’s that?”

“What?” She turned to follow Kade’s pointing finger.

Kade glanced over his shoulder in time to see a blur flash past the counter and into the back rooms, the door opening and closing with barely a whisper. If they were going off door noise, Theo would ace Sneaking with flying colors.

His inhuman sprint was another matter. Passing the desk at supersonic speeds had caused loose papers to fly everywhere.

“Hey!” Clara frowned, looking around in confusion as papers scattered around the counter.

“Whoa,” Kade said, bending to scoop them up from the floor. “Windy today! Hate it when that happens. So can I email somebody my resume, or…wait, you guys do part-time, right? Because I can only do weekends.”

Clara straightened, papers clutched to her staff uniform. “Do you have any qualifications?”

“I’m a sophomore.”

Clara stared at him. She sucked her lipsticky lips against her teeth, pressing hard enough to leave teeth marks. “Maybe come back after you graduate.”

“I look forward to it,” he said sagely, and left.

The back door cracked open as Kade hurried gleefully up the ramp. The ramp they used to wheel bodies up .

“Get in,” Theo hissed.

Kade ducked inside.

Theo pulled the door shut behind him. “Okay. The body drawers are over—why are you smiling ? We’re in a funeral home!”

“We’re breaking into a funeral home,” Kade corrected in a whisper. “For our strange adventures! Who knows what we’ll uncover? What dark secrets await?”

Theo stared at him. Kade regretted not wearing his platform boots. It would be funnier if that incredulous stare was directed upward.

“I think I like you better when you’re barking at people,” Theo said.

Kade woofed quietly. Theo shushed him.

The funeral home was less impressive than the ones on TV. It was smaller, for one, and less…bare. There wa s a vase of plastic flowers on a desk near the doors, and a painting on the wall of skeleton dogs playing poker. Someone had stuck a magnet on one of the storage drawer doors that said CRACK OPEN A COLD ONE.

Kade sniggered. “I should get that on a T-shirt.”

Theo made a face. “Is it a necrophilia joke?”

“What? No, it’s about opening…the body fridges…” Kade trailed off uncomfortably, scuffing a boot against the peeling floor. “Huh. I should still get it on a T-shirt.”

Theo led him over to a storage drawer in the corner. “I think he’s in here.”

“Can you smell him?”

Theo hesitated. “Sort of. I smell something . Like…old meat. Not-yet-decay.”

“ Awesome ,” Kade said. He reached for the handle and paused. “Wait. I thought funeral homes had a freezer for bodies, not these tray things. Trays are morgues . Who designed this place?”

Theo stared at him. “ Why is that something you know?”

Kade shrugged and yanked the handle. He slid the tray out, stopping as soon as they saw the man’s head. His eyes were gouged out, the lids removed except for a stray shred of eyelid at the corner of his eye. Somebody had done a bad job cleaning up.

Kade gagged.

“Don’t,” Theo warned, but his voice was tight. He turned around, hands on his hips, then on his face, then his hips again. “Oh my god.”

“Oh shit,” Kade agreed. “I wasn’t—I wasn’t expecting that.”

“No?” Theo cleared his throat. “Mr. Death Guy doesn’t get a kick out of no-eyes old dude on a slab?”

Kade shot him a look. Theo was busy pinching his nose, glancing at Jeremiah and then away with a wince. It didn’t feel like a jab. It felt like…desperately trying to say something normal.

“I’m not a big eye trauma guy,” Kade said. “Now, the stab wound. Let’s see that puppy.”

Theo made a noise in the back of his throat. Not quite a laugh, not quite vomit.

Kade snorted. “ Can you even puke? Wait, can you eat human food?”

“Let’s not find out,” Theo said, and pulled the tray further until they could see the man’s ribs.

There was a deep gash over his heart. The meat inside was strangely black.

“Not-yet-decay,” Kade repeated uncertainly.

Theo shook his head, leaning over the wound. “It’s not rot. Not…properly.”

“Sure. But humans don’t have black blood, right?”

“No,” Theo said. He leaned back, a faraway look on his face. “How old would you say he is?”

Kade considered. “Forties? Which is weird, I always heard he was old .”

“Me too,” Theo said. “I thought he was in his eighties. He’s lived in town since before my parents moved back. Way before.”

They traded a look. Kade felt the excitement creep back despite the faint but persistent urge to puke.

“He’s a vampire ,” Kade said. “He—oh.”

His excitement dimmed at the tight panic in Theo’s face.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he tried. “Like…if you just keep a low profile. Nobody’s gonna stake you. Or…gouge your eyes out.”

He shuddered at the man’s empty sockets. That little shred of eyelid was killing him. It was like when he had half a cuticle come off, he couldn’t rest until he bit the rest of it off. Even if it made him bleed. Especially if it made him bleed. There was something satisfying about hurting after a job well done. It made it feel more real.

Theo bent down, peering further into the container.

“Uhhh,” Kade said. “Are you…trying to look at his junk?”

“No, jackass, there’s something else in there.” Theo dragged the shelf out some more, revealing the man’s stomach.

It was slashed. Not deep, like the hole in his chest. These were shallow cuts, black meat showing past the skin. Each cut formed a wonky letter:

Watch Out

Bloodsuckers

The last S hooked deeper, showing a flash of white hipbone. Kade looked at that bleached white and thought, that is the gnarliest thing I’ve ever seen. Then he gagged again.

“Kade.”

“I got it,” Kade croaked, shielding his mouth, just in case.

“No, someone’s coming.” Theo shoved the tray closed. Jeremiah Lemmings vanished back into the cold dark.

Kade straightened. “What? Shit, let’s?—”

Theo said something. It sounded like hold on, but it was too fast for Kade to make out. Then his legs were being swept out from under him, Theo’s arms under his knees and his back as he streaked out of there.

Kade didn’t see shit. Vague color, wind on his scalp, and suddenly they were standing half a block away in an alley and Theo was tipping Kade out of his arms.

Kade stumbled to his feet. The trip hadn’t helped his nausea, and he blinked until black spots faded from his eyes.

“Screw golden boy ,” he managed. “They should call you vamp taxi . Hoo, that was a rush! Can we do that again?”

“Did I burn you? ”

Kade paused. He’d been riding the adrenaline rush since he crept up the ramp into the funeral home. Now that he focused, his arm hurt. A small sting on the white of his elbow. He held it out and saw a shiny burn just starting to show.

“Huh,” he said.

Theo nodded. He was still staring at Kade’s arm.

“What?”

Theo shook his head. “Why you?”

Kade turned his arm, watching the evening light bounce off the burn. “Maybe I’m special.”

Theo snorted. “Sure. Monster’s special . That’ll be the day.”

Kade smiled at him, razor-sharp. “Well, I’m something ,” he snapped. “Or you wouldn’t burn me every time you come close.”

Theo stared at him. For a second, something impossible happened: golden boy looked sorry . Like he wished he could take the words back. Like he gave a single iota of shit about Kade “Monster” Renfield’s feelings.

“Fine,” Theo said quietly. “Maybe you are something. Maybe . Now can we get out of this alleyway? Everything smells so much worse this week.”