Page 21 of Blood Beneath the Snow (Blood & Souls Duology #1)

21

The next day found me pacing back and forth as if trying to wear a hole in the prison floor.

The Hellbringer— S?ren , I had to keep reminding myself—was gone, on another mission for the queen. After the life-changing moment we’d shared in the tent the night before, I was expected to return to normal. We’d returned and he’d left, and was I supposed to slip back into our routine? Impossible.

Hence the pacing. All the while, my thoughts flooded like the tide, rising and then receding, only to be replaced by another.

The kiss. There was no denying what we felt anymore. We’d done things, said things, that couldn’t be taken back. And I liked it that way.

The press of our mouths, our breaths becoming one, our heartbeats synchronizing. His firm grip on my waist, the desperation in his hungry eyes. My own desire for him reaching a new high.

I couldn’t chase it from my mind. I wasn’t sure I wanted to either.

His face was engraved into my memory as well. The Hellbringer was Kryllian’s most vicious general, but S?ren…S?ren was beauty incarnate. A work of art in human form. I blushed as the memory of his smile returned to me, his eyes heady enough to get drunk on.

And he’d shared his true identity with me. His face and his name both. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. What to do with it. Because, despite the trust he’d given me, the way I cared for him, he was my people’s most feared enemy. The general who could eliminate us all in a heartbeat. Who would to save his sister.

The worst part was understanding him. My feet, bare against the cold metal floor, began to grow numb. I sat down on the bed momentarily to wrestle my thick socks and boots back on. Before, when he’d been a faceless monster, it was easy to hate him. Without a name, he was nothing more than a curse, a scourge on my people. Regardless of whether I believed the war was holy or a mistake.

“S?ren.” I whispered his name like a prayer, running the feel of it over my tongue.

Would a monster care for me so openly? He wasn’t just pretty words and promises; the Hellbringer was action, confidence, power. He’d declared his feelings and I believed him. It wasn’t in his nature to lie.

Where did that leave me? Caught between my country and my heart.

I stood once more and pulled a target from where it stood against the wall. A week back, the Hellbringer had brought it for me to practice on with throwing knives. We hadn’t used it much, but he taught me the basics. Now I hoped using the knives he’d gifted me would help me clear my mind.

With the first throw, my thoughts drifted to Freja. My best friend, my anchor. Stuck freezing in a prison against her will, all because we’d defied my father and the priests. This was for her. Everything was for her. If my arms trembled and gave out, if I took a knife or a sword to the gut, if I lost my life in the arena, it was for her.

But it was also for me. For the Nilurae in Bhorglid, who suffered under my father’s rule. Who would suffer just the same, if not worse, under Bjorn’s.

Freja had started me on this path, but even if she were free this very moment, I would continue. This was more than a campaign for one person’s justice now; it was a true rebellion. It had been an uprising from the beginning for everyone else, but not for me.

The realization steadied me. When my first two throws missed, I jogged over to pick them back up and start again.

When the Hellbringer returned late in the evening, I was still there, limbs trembling with exhaustion, preparing to throw the knife again. His steps were quiet, but I heard them beneath the roaring of blood in my ears.

My churning thoughts and endless repetitive movements had worn me down. Despite it, I was happy he was back. Alone, my thoughts were overwhelming. Now we could talk. I could make sure I hadn’t hallucinated the kiss, dreamt his face.

Warm hands landed on my shoulders, squeezing gently, and his voice—not distorted from the mask but entirely his own—murmured in my ear, “Your footing is likely causing some issues.” His touch migrated down to my shoulder blades, my waist, landing on my hips. I shivered when his breath brushed against the shell of my ear. “Try this.” He turned my hips until my footing was aligned the way he wanted. “Good.”

And, gods, if that didn’t send a thrill of longing through my stomach…

“Now,” he said, placing his hand over mine on the dagger, “do you feel how the knife balances? Right here? When you release it, you want to be sure you stay relaxed. Tensing up can make your aim worse. Go on, try it.”

He stepped back, chill air replacing the heat of his touch. I missed the warmth immediately but took a deep breath and focused on performing the best throw I possibly could.

It landed one ring away from the bull’s-eye, and I threw a fist in the air, reenergized with triumph. “Did you see that?”

I turned to ask the Hellbringer, but he was already there, fire in his eyes as he placed his palms on either side of my face to pull me in for a blistering kiss. The dagger in my other hand clattered to the floor as I relaxed into him, our bodies melding along every curve and plane to fit like puzzle pieces.

“Perfect,” he murmured between kisses, bending his knees and placing his palms on the backs of my thighs. I understood his silent request and jumped, wrapping my legs around his waist. The endless neediness clawing at my rib cage for him was new. I took a steadying breath, trying not to become overwhelmed.

He walked me to the table and set me down on it. I ran my nails through his hair, tugging lightly on the dark strands, and he groaned.

I hummed and tried to pull him back in for another kiss, but his hands on my wrists stopped me. “No more tonight,” he said softly.

I wanted to scoff. A pair of pretty gray eyes was apparently all it took for me to lose myself to lust. Propping my feet up on the discarded chair closest to me, I nodded and placed my chin on my knees, wrapping my arms around my shins.

The Hellbringer—no, S?ren—brushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear before leaning over with his hands on the table on either side of me, bringing us almost to the same eye level. “You’re beautiful,” he said. “I’ve never told you before, I don’t think.”

We stared at each other for a long moment. I didn’t know what to say. Should I tell him I thought he was beautiful, too? It was the truth, but I worried he might think I was growing soft. Instead, I let the words hang in the air for a while before answering with a quiet “Thank you.”

He blinked and seemed to return to himself. Clearing his throat, he stepped away from the table and began assembling ingredients from the shelves surrounding us. “Tell me what’s on your mind, Princess.”

I hid a smile. His previous iterations of the nickname were disparaging, condescending; when I’d dreamed of him using it differently, it had still been a command. The thought of it being sweet, endearing, had never crossed my mind. But my smile faded as I considered what to say. “Everything.”

He hummed his understanding and I closed my eyes, letting the darkness soothe me with the sounds of his cooking. “The war. The Trials. I’m a different person now than I was when you first stole me away. I feel so much responsibility for my people. I would save them all if I could—even the Lurae. But none of that is possible if I don’t win. My brothers were all raised knowing they’d kill each other one day. I knew it would happen. Still, it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, watching the life drain from Erik and Bjorn. Even if I hate them both.”

The smell of cooking meat filled the room and my stomach grumbled loudly. “Also, I’m hungry, apparently,” I added.

S?ren laughed. “You look like you haven’t eaten all day. I’m not surprised.”

Tilting my head to the side so that my cheek rested on my knees, I watched him. “I can’t save everyone I want to.”

His back was turned, unaware of my watchful eye. His shoulders stiffened slightly at my statement. Perhaps he read through the lines—realized I wanted to save him, too.

“You’ll save as many as you can.” S?ren’s reply was calm as he stirred and added fragrant spices to the meal. “Not everyone wants to be saved. Not everyone can be. It’s unfortunate, but it’s reality. You can’t spend your life hating yourself for the choices you make. You won’t save anyone that way.”

“It’s just…” I toyed with the words, wondering whether I should voice them. “Is there any point to being together? When we’ll have to go our separate ways soon?”

The thought had been wandering in and out of my consciousness all day, but I’d refused to acknowledge it, forcing it back until now, when it slithered forward to curl insidiously in my mind. Especially because I couldn’t stop wondering if this was exactly how Arne had felt.

And if I were Arne in this situation, with the Hellbringer in my place—accepting affection but never truly returning it—it would be unbearable. I wouldn’t make a fool of myself that way. Better to know now.

The instant the question left my mouth, the clatter of cooking stopped abruptly. Before I knew it, S?ren was in front of me again, hand under my chin, tipping my face up to meet his gaze. I swallowed thickly.

“Revna,” he said, voice low. “If you don’t want to do this, if our uncertain future is too much, then I understand. But to me? This is more than worthwhile. I would trade everything for a single day with you. If you disappeared tomorrow, I’d still see your face every time I made a decision for the rest of my life.”

Why was my vision blurring slightly? Was I tearing up?

He leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine. “If you want this, then so do I. And if you don’t, say it now—I swear to you I’ll never mention it again.”

I let out a shaky breath. “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes, of course I want this. I want you .”

His smile could have ended the war and melted the wastes, it was that radiant.

That night, we sparred.

I was grateful, despite my injury, that S?ren didn’t hold back. We fought as vigorously as always, and tonight it was easy to see my form was improving. I could go for longer before begging for a break, and he needed significantly more strength to overpower me.

“Good,” he said as we finished for the evening. “I’m impressed.”

I smiled as we hung up our weapons. I hadn’t slept with Aloisa in the bed for several days now.

“I do have a question, though,” S?ren continued.

My eyes skittered to him, then narrowed. He sounded odd. Wouldn’t meet my eyes. “What?”

“There’s only so much time left before you have to go back.” He glanced at me, trepidation in his look that swiftly transformed to earnestness. He approached me until we stood face-to-face, only a step apart. “If I am going to train you to use your Lurae, we have to start now.”

For a long moment, his words didn’t register. “My Lurae? I don’t have one.”

He pursed his lips. “I thought you trusted me now.”

I frowned. “I do. What does this have to do with trust?”

“Everything.” Patience, his new normal now, was swiftly descending into irritation. His hand closed into a fist at his side and I wanted to step back, put distance between us. “You can tell me the truth. I want you to tell me the truth.”

I put a hand on my forehead. “What in the gods’ names are you talking about? Do you hear yourself?”

“You have a Lurae,” he growled. He took a deep breath, made a concerted effort to calm himself. “I know it. I know it’s powerful and that you’ve hidden it for far too long. I know you’re probably scared. But I have taught you how to wield a weapon. And I can teach you how to wield your power as well.”

S?ren stepped forward and reached for my hand, but I pulled back. This was the Hellbringer standing in front of me, not the unmasked man I’d come to care for. And despite his wounded eyes, I would not budge. “You think I’m lying?” My voice quivered, the anger barely contained. “You think somehow I’ve hidden a Lurae for the last twelve years?”

He only watched me.

I screamed. A wordless, feral thing. “How dare you?” I howled. “You think I survived on scraps, claimed an entire people as my own, and it was a lie? I would never have let my father and brothers abuse me if I had the power to fight back. I am nothing . I clawed my way into the Trials, and if I lose, it will cost me everything. Do you understand?”

S?ren stood expressionless, the only crack in his facade an almost imperceptible downward twitch of his mouth.

And then it hit me.

“The queen only wanted me because she thought I had a secret Lurae.” The words sounded ludicrous, absurd even, but they sent dread coursing through me like ice water poured over my head. “Gods. This is fucked. And you don’t even believe me.”

A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I want to believe you. Really, I do. But the queen…she is convinced. And she is never, ever wrong.”

“What evidence does she have?” I demanded. “There is not a drop of magical blood in my veins. Believe me, my father has seen enough of it to know.”

He winced—finally. “I don’t know. You think she would tell me? I’m a tool in her arsenal. She trusts me as far as she can use me; that’s it. I wish I knew more.”

I took another purposeful step back from him. “And that’s why you’ve been trying so hard to get me to trust you, isn’t it? So I would show you my Lurae.” I snarled the words, hoping the devastation wasn’t visible through the cracks in my facade.

I channeled the burning behind my eyes into fuel for my fire. “You’re despicable.”

“No. I wouldn’t do that.” He was adamant, but I didn’t care.

Summoning everything left in me, I steeled myself. “Who am I even talking to right now? S?ren? Or the Hellbringer? Because the Hellbringer would. He would do anything if it meant pleasing his damn queen.”

The hurt in his eyes was overwhelming. Instinctively, part of me wanted to take the words back, deny them. I wasn’t sure if they were true. But the thought that they might be was ripping me to shreds. If I voiced the words, then surely they would hurt less.

I turned away from him. The longer I looked, the more I wanted to melt against him, to seek comfort from him despite his betrayal. And I wouldn’t give in—I wouldn’t show him weakness now.

When I dared to glance back over my shoulder again, he was gone.