Page 25

24

THE FEAR

“ S he’s gaos- damned dangerous,” Jem growled. “What part of that is difficult to understand?”

I frowned, unable to keep it off my lips.

I opened my mouth, closed it.

To say I felt the need to be cautious with Jem right then would be a massive understatement. While most of my caution felt treatment-related––meaning, I didn’t want to shut Jem down or make him too combative, or cause him to walk away––the sheer level of his aggression brought up defensive and aggressive reactions of my own.

That part of me felt ready to bolt out of the room if the need arose.

Or possibly to draw a weapon.

I was seer, so it wasn’t only his voice, or his facial expression I had to deal with, or even the way he clenched his fists, thighs, shoulders, arms, and chest, as if actively restraining himself from punching me in the face.

I also had to deal with his living light.

His highly-structured and terrifyingly muscular aleimi slammed into mine, furious, violent, unable to comprehend why we couldn’t all see this thing the way he saw it. Or, at the very least, if we couldn’t see it, why we wouldn’t simply do what he fucking told us to do, and fix what he clearly knew to be a life-threatening problem for him.

I’d never been afraid of Jem before.

I could admit I was afraid of him now.

Mostly, though, I was trying to make sense of this. I was trying to make sense of him.

“It’s crystal fucking clear!” Jem snarled, fists clenched on his thighs.

I nodded, keeping my expression as still as I could.

“Stop fucking nodding at me like you think I’m batshit crazy,” Jem growled.

“You don’t get to tell me how to react to this, Jem,” I warned.

I saw something in his eyes flicker, as if some distant, more Jem part of him recognized the truth in what I’d said. The pressure on my aleimi lightened, but not enough to keep mine from sparking around me in a futile-feeling attempt to shield.

Black more or less forced me to wear an ankle-holster and a gun while I was in here, as much as it struck me as foolish at the time. I knew how well-trained Jem was. I wouldn’t be able to unholster it before he had hold of my wrist and twisted that gun up to press the barrel against my head. The earpiece wouldn’t do me much good either. And that didn’t even get into how easily Jem could probably overpower my light.

It made me realize, with a near-anger at myself, that I should be in sight-training.

Really, I should have started eighteen months ago, when my light first changed. Instead, I hadn’t done shit, and now I felt helpless, especially against a seer like Jem.

Of course, I might have felt like that, anyway. Not many seers on our team could stand up to Dalejem. Yarli, maybe. Maybe Black.

Jem showed up in the same, empty office exactly thirty minutes after Black told him to leave. He walked in without a word to me, sat on the leather chair across from mine in front of the low-burning fireplace, which I’d started since it was chilly in there, and glared at me as if daring me to fuck with him.

For a few seconds, I’d only stared back.

Some of that could have been shock. Dalejem and I had always been friends. I would have said we were close friends, but now I wondered if I knew him at all.

“Dangerous?” I repeated, wary.

“Yes, dangerous,” he snapped. “Are you hard of hearing?”

My jaw might have ticked a little, but I managed to keep my expression calm.

“You keep saying that,” I said carefully. “But you haven’t explained it, Jem. What makes you think that she’s dangerous?”

“I’ve told you that––”

“You haven’t, though,” I corrected. I let my voice grow a touch warning. “You seem to think we should be seeing what you’re seeing. That the problems Aura poses are self-evident. We don’t see those things, Jem. To us, Aura looks very different.”

I deliberately used her name, twice, which I could tell angered him. He started to open his mouth, but I held up a hand for him to wait.

“I’m telling you, it’s not self-evident to me, Jem,” I warned. “If you want me to take your concerns seriously, you need to help me follow your thinking process. I’m not talking rock-solid evidence, or anything you’d need to win a case in human court… it can be part instinct and part evidence, or something you feel in her light, or something or someone she reminds you of. But I need something to go on, Jem.”

His green eyes hardened. “She went after Nick in his goddamned sleep.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“How is that not enough?” he spat.

“Jem.” I shook my head, clicking my tongue under my breath.

Seeing the anger grow exponentially in his eyes, I bit my tongue, then deliberately calmed my voice as I looked away.

“It’s not enough,” I said. “A traumatized adolescent seer being fixated or confused about Nick doesn’t, on its own, make her dangerous. She didn’t try to hurt him. She’s obviously not emotionally well from what happened to her, and she’s not behaving in a sexually appropriate way as a result, but you’re somehow making that a physical threat against all of us––”

“Why can’t you just fucking take my word for it?” His green eyes flashed. “Why can’t you just trust that I know what I’m talking about?”

“I want to. Help me,” I urged him.

“Fuck you, Miri. Fuck you and your condescending bullshit.”

I leaned back in my chair, realizing only then that I’d leaned forward.

My frown deepened as I surveyed Jem. I crossed my arms and then my legs, folding one over the other. I let him see the wariness in my expression. I wanted to know if he would see that I was nervous of him, afraid of him, even, and if he would self-correct.

He didn’t.

He continued to glower at me, shoulders clenched, eyes pale green and violet, glowing faintly in the shadow of his face with his back to the window. It was a gloomy day outside, overcast as the afternoon waned, but it remained strangely bright with the sun behind the clouds. One of Jem’s hands gripped the armrest of his chair. The other sat in a fist on top of his thigh, which also looked more tense than it should be.

He looked ready to leap out of the chair and throttle someone.

I truly hoped that someone wasn’t me.

He let out a humorless grunt.

“Stop trying to distract me,” he said, a touch cold.

“I’m not.”

“She’s not what she appears,” Jem growled. “I don’t understand how no one can see it but me––”

“What is she, then?” I asked.

Jem’s jaw hardened. That time, he definitely heard my prod.

“I’m not fucking crazy.”

I let out an exasperated breath, unable to help it.

“I never said you were crazy, Jem,” I said, annoyed. “No one is saying that. But this isn’t exactly your usual reaction to things, even things you don’t like… even things having to do with your mate. Are you really that surprised we’re all wondering what the hell’s going on with you?”

“I’d rather you focused on what I’m actually saying than my gods-damned demeanor, Miriam, how about that?” The hand on his thigh clenched harder.

My eyes fell to it, watched it clench, unclench, then clench again.

“…Maybe if any of you actually fucking listened to me,” he growled. “I wouldn’t be in here talking to the patronizing shrink. I’d be in the conference room with the actual infiltrators, strategizing around how to approach this from a damned ops perspective.”

My jaw definitely ticked that time.

“You’d be in there right now, if you weren’t acting so strangely,” I told him frankly. “Whatever Black said when he lost his temper with you, he absolutely wanted you for this. They’ve been waiting for you to get back from New York before they proceeded with the Prometharis break-in. And I know Holo wanted your input on––”

“You’re still not listening to me. None of you are!”

“You think no one is listening to you?” I asked, bewildered. “Jesus, Jem. What the fuck am I doing right now? Despite your constant screaming at me and trying to insult me, I’m listening to every word you say––”

“Maybe you’re not the right person,” he growled.

“Maybe I’m just not obeying your every command,” I retorted back.

His eyes left mine. He stared down at his clenched fist on his leg and took a breath.

“Who would be the right person?” I asked, my voice subdued. “Who do you want to talk to right now, Dalejem?”

His eyes looked strange to me now, though.

He continued to stare down at the fire, but something in his eyes seemed to shift, like a flickering light. I saw the color morph darker, like what happened to a vampire’s eyes when they started to fill with blood. Jem’s eyes didn’t turn red, though. They turned a darker green, mixed through with some colder color.

I watched, bewildered, as Jem’s expression began to smooth.

It grew strangely calm, but not in a way that reassured me in the slightest.

It was like the emotion was leeched out of his face, leaving it blank, statue-like.

“Dalejem,” I said, wary. “What the hell is going on?”

He didn’t look at me.

He stared at the fire.

Then, gracefully, he glided to his feet. His expression remained closed, his eyes empty.

He didn’t glance in my direction as he walked around my chair, then in the direction of the office door. I half-stood and turned around to watch him walk across the rug and part of the hardwood floor towards the white-painted door. He bent down enough to grip the door’s handle. Then he jerked it open, and began walking left in the corridor outside.

That direction led to the Black Security and Investigations office suite, not the elevators.

Was he going to crash the planning meeting in there?

“Jem!” I called out, sharp. I climbed to my feet, and walked to the door. “Black won’t let you back in there,” I said. “Not without talking to me.”

The seer didn’t look back.

I watched him until he’d turned the corner and I couldn’t see him anymore.

I considered going after him, but realized it was likely too late.

I walked back to my leather chair, and sank into it with a frustrated exhale.

I took a drink of the tea I’d been sipping earlier and forgotten about, then exhaled some more of my frustration, and yes, anger, and switched on my earpiece.

“Well, that went even worse than I expected,” I told Black, not waiting for him to speak. “You might have incoming, by the way,” I added, not waiting for him that time, either. “A very pissed off Jem, heading your way. I have no idea what his intentions are, but he walked out of here like he had something in mind.”

Black’s voice immediately switched to a growl. “Wait… what? How the fuck are you two finished already?”

“He walked out.”

“I gave him a direct order. I was in no way unclear about that.”

I threw up a hand, and let it fall to the leather armrest. I knew Black couldn’t see it, so it was purely my own drama. “Well, clearly, he didn’t like that order, Black. Which is exactly what I told you could happen, if you’ll recall.”

“He didn’t tell you anything?”

“Oh, he had plenty to say about me,” I said, annoyance leaking into my voice.

I felt a plume of anger off Black. “Anything else?”

“Only that the girl is dangerous. I don’t think this is all about Nick, by the way. Him walking in on Aura with Nick, and finding out she was pawing at Nick in his sleep, came across at least partly as an excuse. Most of what he said didn’t make a lot of sense.” Thinking about that, I grunted. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure he is angry about naked Aura pawing at Nick. But I definitely got the sense that wasn’t the real issue.”

“How could that not be the real issue?” Black asked. “Jem had never laid eyes on her before he walked into that room. How would he have any opinion about her at all prior to that? He wasn’t even with us in Pacific Heights––”

“I’m aware of that, Black.”

“You’re not saying he knew her before?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Then what are you saying, Miri?” he growled.

“I’m just telling you how it felt,” I said, my voice a touch annoyed.

I was a little sick of male seers yelling at me, honestly.

It felt like most of my day had consisted of that.

“I’m saying,” I went on, even more annoyed. “Whatever is wrong with Dalejem, it’s not really about Nick… or Aura. You asked for my opinion, and that’s my opinion. He’s unstable, Black. His whole demeanor changed right in front of me… like I wasn’t even there. Before that, I probably would have said he seemed afraid. Like his aggression and anger were covering up something that felt like fear for his life… or maybe Nick’s… or maybe both of them. After he changed, it’s like he was just blank. Like he’d turned himself off.”

“What does that mean?” Black asked.

He’d subdued his voice, obviously picking up on my annoyance.

“Turned himself off?” he clarified carefully. “Turned himself off how?”

I took a breath, combing my fingers through my long hair to get it out of my face, and away from my lukewarm cup of tea.

“I don’t know. It was really fucking weird,” I admitted. I tried to replay the memory. “His eyes changed, Black. It’s like he’d reached some limit on his emotional bandwidth and he just… shut everything down. He walked out right after he did that. He wouldn’t even look at me.”

Still thinking, I frowned in the direction of the window.

“Something has Jem scared,” I said, a touch more sure. “Him going in there and finding Aura naked and pawing at Nick struck me as almost a relief to him, purely from a logic standpoint. It explained his own anger and fear to him. It gave his mind something concrete. But if I had to guess, whatever’s causing him to lose control started well before the girl.”

I frowned, still thinking as I drummed my fingers on the leather armrest.

“Although I am very glad Jem didn’t walk in while it was actually happening,” I added sourly. “If he’d gone into that room while Nick was still unconscious and Aura had her hands on him, Dalejem might’ve killed her.”

A ripple of surprise left Black’s light.

“You think he’d go that far?” he asked.

I considered that, really considered it, and slowly nodded.

“Maybe,” I admitted. “Yeah. I guess I do.”

The surprise on Black’s light turned to alarm.

“How sure are you?” he asked.

“If pressed, I’d say pretty sure,” I said, exhaling. “If this was a police case I was consulting on, I would recommend an overnight stay in a facility where he could be observed. I think he’s looking for an excuse, Black. He’s definitely angry we won’t ‘deal with her’ the way he wants. And he’s scared. Scared people can be extremely dangerous. In some ways, fear is more dangerous than anger.”

“Did he say anything else?” Black asked.

His voice sounded harder now, more in military mode.

“Just that he wanted us to ‘deal with her.’ That none of us would believe him enough to do the right thing.”

“And what would that be?” Black asked. “What did he want us to do?”

I sighed again. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to be accurate.

“I don’t know precisely,” I said. “But if I had to guess, it would start with locking Aura up, at least, and refusing to believe anything she says. He doesn’t understand why we won’t just all agree as a group that she’s a threat and treat her as such. It’s almost like we’re betraying him by ‘taking her side.’ He also seems to think she’s manipulating us, like she’s some evil mastermind that’s got us all snowed.”

Black’s voice grew darkly amused, but also incredulous. “He thinks we’re being manipulated by some kind of dangerous agent?”

“Maybe. Yes… although he didn’t use any of those words.”

“So he wants her dead?” Black asked, blunt.

I frowned, still doing my best to be accurate and not exaggerate, especially given how hard Jem had been slamming into my light and triggering my own emotions.

“I mean, he might not be telling himself that exactly,” I said cautiously. “But it’s definitely the vibe––”

“Could it be jealousy?” Black cut in. “Do you really think this isn’t about Nick?”

I pondered that, and slowly shook my head.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “If you’re asking what I think, or what my gut tells me, then I’d say no. It’s not about that. It’s definitely not only that. Although Nick is definitely mixed up in all of this in Jem’s mind. He seems to fear Nick’s betrayal the most.”

There was a silence while Black turned over my words.

With a human patient, I definitely wouldn’t have divulged so much, particularly not to that human’s boss. But seers did things differently.

Black had explained to me––multiple times––that the same rules couldn’t be applied to seers. Psychological issues could go sideways extremely quickly in seers, so it was much more of a community safety issue, especially with someone as highly-trained as Jem.

For the same reason, doctor-patient confidentiality wasn’t really a “thing” among seers. Seer Law, which they generally referred to as “Code,” leaned more towards regulating the volatile emotions of seers, particularly when it came to bonded mates, infidelity, separation sickness, and other things that could turn deadly quickly.

I could grudgingly see the practicality of it.

Also, I knew why Black was worried. He was worried Jem might hurt one of us.

He was worried Jem might hurt Nick.

“You don’t know when this started?” Black asked. “Jem being unstable like this?”

“No.”

“He didn’t say anything about a fight with Nick, anything that made you think––”

“No, Black.” My voice grew warning. “But you heard Nick. This predates the girl. Do you really think I wouldn’t tell you if I knew?”

“I felt you thinking about that human patient-confidentiality thing, and––”

“What about Yarli?” I asked, cutting him off. “Could she help, do you think?”

Black grunted. “You were there. I already told Jem to see her.”

“But will he?” I pressed.

It was Black’s turn to exhale through the comm. I imagined him combing his hand through his own raven-colored hair, his gold eyes focused out one of the windows of his office suite, taking in the late afternoon sun.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I just sent Jax and Kiko to find him. I’ll tell them to broach the Yarli thing with him when they do. I admit, I still think he’d talk to you before he would her.” Black paused. “Are you going to join us? Nick and Mika just called in. They should be heading back soon. I’ve got everyone else gathering in the bullpen to lay out final plans for tonight.”

“The Prometharis run?” The abrupt change of subject threw me. “Do you need me there for that? I thought you didn’t want me coming tonight?”

“I’d still like you here for the meeting, if only to get your opinion on––”

Before he could finish, an alarm exploded overhead.