Page 16 of Big Girls Do It Wetter

The thought repeated itself, over and over. Jeff kept silent and drove. I thought of Chase, of the one night I'd had with him. He made me feel alive as never before. He'd awakened my hunger not just for sex but for life. I would never have even considered being with Jeff if it wasn't for my time with Chase.

And god, Chase had done things to me that I didn't know were possible. He'd done, hot, kind of kinky things that I really had liked, and wanted again. And again.

Jeff...god, the man didn't need any of that to rock my existence.

But Jeff wanted more. Expected more. Needed and deserved more. It wasn't just sex for Jeff. And I wasn't sure I wanted that, at least not yet.

Jeff finally pulled his Yukon over to the side of the road. We were on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, fields on both sides, a glowering gray sky heavy around us and threatening rain, trees in the distance. AM talk radio whispered in the background, only audible in the silence as Jeff waited for me to speak. He wouldn't ask. If I didn't say anything, he'd just wait until it was clear I wasn't talking and that would be that.

"He...he wants me to visit him in New York." The words were like small, hard stones tumbling out of my mouth.

A long, fraught silence. "And you want to go."

"I don't know, Jeff. I don't know." I picked up the plane ticket and stared at it like it could answer my dilemma. "Yes, I do. But I also don't."

Silence, Jeff staring out the window as raindrops plopped in slow, staccato rhythm on the windshield, abruptly blossoming into a downpour.

"Say something," I said.

"So go. Don't let me hold you back. If New York is where you want to be, then go. Be happy. We had fun while it lasted." His voice was a study of nonchalance.

"Jeff, I—"

"It's fine, Anna." Jeff pulled the gearshift into drive, slowly and carefully, as if he wanted to slam it, but wouldn't let himself. "Youdowant to go. I can see it in your face, but you're worried about hurting me. Don't. I'll be fine."

He made a U-turn and took me home, driving in silence. When we pulled back into the parking lot of my apartment complex, he put it into park and finally met my eyes.

"Be happy, Anna. If that means going to New York to be with Chase, then go."

"Jeff—"

He cut me off with a kiss, slow—as all things with Jeff are—and delicate. A farewell.

"Goodbye, Anna."It was a dismissal.

I got out of the vehicle and went to my door. Jeff pulled out backwards and drove away without looking at me.

My flight was for ten the next morning.

I was on it.