Page 26 of Beyond the Darkness (Basic Instincts #3)

More Secrets

Somehow Hudson got through the second act of Darkest Blue.

The lines were ingrained in his mind, and he completed the rehearsal on autopilot.

Though Andie halted the show several times to criticise one thing or another, she appeared to be oblivious to his lacklustre delivery.

When she eventually called it a day, he hastened from the stage without waiting for her notes.

His head and heart were already somewhere else.

Hudson hurriedly changed out of his costume into a light shirt and trousers and rushed from the theatre. He’d texted Luke earlier to say he’d be done sooner than planned and needed to see him before nine o’clock.

He was still in a state of shock over the facts Corman and Amber had presented him with.

Rationally, he managed to reason that Luke had no reason to tell him about the death of an ex-boyfriend.

It was the best part of ten years ago. Who would want to dredge that up with a guy he’d only known for a few weeks?

On the other hand, Luke had been arrested for murder, and given the current situation, the podcasters had planted sufficient suspicion that Hudson couldn’t shake it off.

The waterfront was busy when he reached it.

The exterior tables of the bars and restaurants were all packed.

The early evening sunlight cast a shimmering hue over the river and the buildings all along the bank were bathed in a golden glow.

Hudson’s troubled mood couldn’t have been more at odds with the joyous beauty of the setting.

Luke leaned against the rail on the riverside with his face turned towards the sun. The sight of him in profile took Hudson’s breath away. He’d never looked more handsome, like a hero from a romance movie. He turned as Hudson approached, his beautiful face breaking into a radiant smile.

“Hey,” he said, stepping forward with open arms, coming in naturally for a kiss.

Hudson sidestepped the attempt and put a hand on his biceps. The smile he gave in return was stiff and awkward.

Luke sensed the change immediately. “What’s wrong? Don’t tell me something else has gone wrong. How did the run-through go?”

Hudson glanced around. Thankfully, no one was paying them any attention. Now that he was here, he didn’t know how to handle this. He turned away from Luke, put his hands on the railing and glared into the water. It was easier if he didn’t look at him. He inhaled.

“Tell me about Reece Dempsie,” he said at last.

Luke’s intake of breath was audible. “It was a long time ago. How do you…? Oh, of course. Amber and Corman.”

“You’re not denying it, then?”

“Denying what? What have they told you?”

“That he was murdered? That you were there.”

“Fuck me,” he said, exasperated. “That pair are unbelievable.”

“Then you’re telling me it isn’t true?”

Luke moved up beside him, leaning on the railing. “Reece wasn’t murdered. I didn’t kill him, if that’s what you’re getting at. Don’t tell me you believe those arseholes?”

“I don’t know what I believe anymore.” Still unable to look at him, Hudson stared at the rippling patterns on the water. “How about you tell me your version.”

“My version,” Luke retorted. “Jesus. You want me to go over all of that again. Do you know how painful it is?”

Part of Hudson wanted to back down and comfort him, but his guard was already up.

He needed to protect himself. Luke had been his sole comfort in the last few weeks.

The one he’d turned to, who had helped him handle all the troubles—Julian’s death, the return of Robbie Wiseman, the difficulties with the play, being in a strange city.

He’d overcome his initial reservations to trust him, to love him even. What if that had been a mistake?

“I need to know,” he said flatly, feeling like a bastard, unable to change course.

Ten, fifteen seconds passed before Luke spoke.

“Reece fell from the balcony of his apartment. I assume you know that, and that part is all true. But I didn’t push him over.

The police questioned me about it. More than once.

It’s the version of events they preferred, but they could never prove it because that’s not what happened.

” He sighed and took another moment to gather himself.

“Reece’s bloodstream was filled with alcohol and a concoction of different drugs—cocaine, temazepam, Ecstasy, cannabis, I can’t even remember them all now. I bet Amber didn’t mention that part.”

Hudson shook his head, still staring at the water.

“That figures. The police weren’t keen to release the info to the press at the time either. It wasn’t made public until the inquest. Reece had a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. He managed it well most of the time. Even I wasn’t aware of it when we first started dating.”

“How long were you together?"

“Not long. About eight months. I met him when I was living in Leeds. Reece had a lot of issues—sex, drugs, alcohol—but despite it all, he was still a charming man to be around. In the beginning at least. He was honest with me from the start. Told me he’d gotten married to a local girl when he was nineteen to please his family.

He didn’t want them to know he was gay. He never did tell them.

When everything came out afterwards, they refused to believe it.

They blamed me for corrupting him, among many other things.

Reece had been having sex with guys in secret since he was seventeen.

He was twenty-six when we met. Divorced by then, but he had a good relationship with his ex and his kid.

They were probably the most stable influences in his life.

He managed to keep a lid on his demons when he was around them. ”

Finally, Hudson looked at Luke. Luke did not return his gaze. Now his eyes were fixed on the water. When he spoke again, his voice wavered.

“I often wondered if he would have been happier staying with them and living a lie. He would probably still be alive now, I’m sure of that. He wanted to have sex with men, so many men, but it never seemed to make him happy.”

“Is that why you were arguing? On the night he died.”

Luke stiffened, obviously wounded by the question. Something twisted inside Hudson too. He knew that he was hurting Luke right now, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was a callous act of self-preservation.

“No,” Luke said flatly. “We were arguing because I’d decided to end it.

After eight months, I couldn’t cope with his erratic behaviour.

When he was sober, he was a dream, but the sober moments became fewer and fewer.

Whatever was the root cause of his troubles, it was clear that I was never going to be the one to help him resolve them. He was too closed off from me.”

The moment was interrupted by a shrill scream behind them. Hudson spun in shock.

Two women were arguing in the one of the nearby bars. They were on their feet, screeching insults at each other, while four of their friends attempted to intervene. A drink was thrown, leading to greater roars of protest. Ignoring them, Hudson turned back to Luke.

“Go on.”

“Things reached a head at the party. I decided it was over for good that night, but I didn’t want to announce it in front of all those people.

I figured I’d do it afterwards, but then Reece got drunk and started belittling some of the serving staff.

A thick streak of casual racism also ran through him, another charming point I only learned later in the relationship.

Funny, really, that I didn’t see it earlier.

When I first told him my family was from Morocco, he made a remark that he thought I just had a great suntan.

Anyway, I pulled him up for the way he’d spoken to the staff and the argument kicked off from there.

I intended to leave, but my friend, whose party it was, pleaded with me to take him with me.

He’d gotten so shitfaced he wasn’t welcome anymore.

” Luke sniffed. “So, I agreed to take him home. I got him back to his apartment and made a pot of coffee, which he refused to drink. He opened a bottle of vodka instead. The argument from the party reignited and that’s when I told him we were done.

That’s what the neighbours heard us shouting about.

He threw the cup at the wall. It was the usual nasty break-up you’d expect when alcohol is involved.

I wasn’t aware at the time that he’d also taken coke and the other drugs at the party. ”

He paused. The story was difficult to tell. Hudson wanted to believe him. Needed to believe him. He studied Luke’s face, searching for signs that he was lying. His sincerity seemed obvious, but to Hudson, an actor used to faking a convincing emotion, uncertainty remained.

“And then what happened?”

“I left.” Luke’s voice had developed a cold edge. “I put my key on the coffee table and let myself out. By the time I reached the ground floor, Reece was dead on the pavement outside. I was the one who found him. Who called for an ambulance. But it was already too late.”

“I’m sorry.” The words sounded meaningless.

“For months I blamed myself for what had happened. Not in the same way everyone else blamed me. I knew that I hadn’t pushed him over that balcony, but I was consumed by guilt.

That what I had said provoked him. That I should have spent the night regardless of what we’d fought over.

That I had a responsibility to look after him.

I’d seen him in far worse states than that, and yet I knew I’d failed in a duty of care to him. ”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Hudson’s voice betrayed his doubt.

“Why should I? It’s not something I go around broadcasting. I spent years afterwards being consumed by guilt. By what ifs. It’s something private. Something hurtful. I would have told you when I was ready. And in the middle of an investigation into Julian’s murder, that time wasn’t now.”

At that moment, two women approached them. “Excuse me, Hudson,” the older woman said shyly. “Would you mind taking a selfie with my daughter?”

They regarded him with nervous but hopeful smiles.

“Sure,” he said, going through the motions of being a celebrity. He posed for a couple of photos, waited while they checked they were happy with them, wished them well.

“We’re coming to see the play in two weeks’ time,” the daughter said, grinning from ear to ear. “We can’t wait.”

They had provided a welcome distraction.

“You’re looking at me like you don’t believe a word I’ve just told you,” Luke said when they had left.

“I’m just… I don’t know. It’s floored me, that’s all.”

Luke reached for him. “Hudson, why should it change anything? For Christ’s sake, we’re grown men. There’s a lot of things in both of our pasts that we don’t know or talk about.”

There are no dead boyfriends in my history book. “Did you know Julian before he was killed?”

“What? Of course I did. I’ve told you before, I’ve seen him on stage and in loads of TV shows.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Something inside Hudson told him to stop, to keep what he was about to say buried deep, but the words came out regardless. “Did you know him personally?”

Luke took a step backwards, his mouth hung open, as though speechless, then he said, “No. Why are you asking?”

Hudson’s mouth seemed to take over from his brain. “The night I first met you, in The Blue Pearl, I was there with Julian. You didn’t know him?”

“What the hell are you suggesting here?”

He gasped and turned back to the river. “I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I can’t shake now.”

“You’re suggesting I killed him, aren’t you? Oh, my fucking lord, you are. What possible motive could I have for killing Julian? Unless you think I’m a fucking serial killer who just goes around bumping off other men. Is that it? Do you know how insane that sounds?”

“I don’t know what’s what anymore,” Hudson yelled.

“You should know I’m not a murderer.” Luke flung his arms wide. “How could you even think that?”

“I’ve just told you,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what to think.”

“I’m sure I do. Those idiot podcasters have found out what happened to Reece.

They’ve put two and two together to make a fucking hundred.

Exploited a tragedy—two tragedies, if you include Julian—and you’ve bought their bullshit theory hook, line and sinker.

For fuck’s sake, Hudson, I credited you with some intelligence. ”

Hudson put his hand on his forehead. The pressure felt like he was about to explode. “I need time to think.”

“I’d say you do, too, because you haven’t given this crap much thought at all.” Luke took several steps away before turning back to him. “I thought we had something special. More than special. More than just a casual affair.”

That’s what made this so damned painful. They did have something special. Hudson had fallen in love with him.

But had that love made him blind?

He closed his eyes and tried to shut out all the noise.

“I can’t do this,” he said at last. His voice was tremulous. Hot tears pricked at his eyelashes.

“Hudson, take a breath.”

“Luke, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doubting you, but it’s all become too much. The show starts tomorrow and I’m in no condition to focus on anything but that. Not with all this going through my head.” Tears rolled freely down his cheeks. “This… We need to stop.”

“What? No, please.”

He wiped his eyes. Shook his head. “I can’t do this.” His chest was unbelievably tight. It felt like he was being crushed. “It’s just… I’m sorry, Luke. But it’s over. I can’t go on.”

Before Luke could stop him, before he could change his mind and take the words back, Hudson turned and hurried away. He didn’t look back.