Page 38 of Better Than Baby
“Aar…”
“And we want a big family.”
“Sure, but?—”
“Do you think it’s a joke or a mistake?” he barreled on, dabbing at his eyes. “What if we say yes and they pull the rug out from under us? Can they do that? Should we meet him? Of course we should. But the second I see a drooling baby with chubby cheeks, I’ll be a goner. Game over.”
Aaron paced from one end of the kitchen to the other, mumbling about getting another crib and what size diapers he’d need, while I was stuck on a horrible memory of the day we’d been told Xander wasn’t ours.
I thought I’d moved on, but I was spiraling now.Wasthis okay? Was it good? Could we handle two babies at once? Was this unfair to our unborn infant, and was that even a valid question? Were we equipped to handle the fallout if something happened again?
I watched Aaron, his stride lengthening as he wrestled with his thoughts aloud. “The babies would be a year apart. That’s a lot of work, but babies grow fast. Everyone says so.”I tuned him out and crouched to pet Murphy, seeking comfort and solace in the uncomplicated affection of a puppy.
Murphy rested his snout on my foot and put up with a few ear scritches before rolling to expose his belly. I laughed at his antics, but it was a wretched sound…a sob. So deep and guttural, my chest ached and my eyes filled with ugly tears.
Suddenly, Aaron was at my side.
I lowered my head and shook it. “I’m fine.”
He sat next to me and didn’t speak for a long moment. Not a word. An NFL commentator was giving Super Bowl predictions, the fridge hummed, and Murphy mewled happy puppy noises while I rubbed his belly. A gentle cacophony of comfort and home in the company of my favorite person on Earth and our dog. I was overwhelmed by the sweetness in the mundane contrasted to the weight of a decision that would affect so many lives.
It had been the two of us for so long. We’d had a couple of years to mentally prepare to start a family and yet…were you ever really ready? The thought of bringing home an infant scared the hell out of me. Bringing home a one-year-old at the same time? And this wasn’t just any one-year-old—it was Xander.
Xander.
She’d used our name for him.What the hell?
“What are you thinking?” Aaron asked, breaking the silence.
“Too many things. I’m pissed that the absent dad’s parents fucked up the adoption last year because they didn’t want their grandchild to be raised by gay parents. I’m angry that a tragedy is finally forcing Cassie’s hand, and I hate that an innocent baby is collateral.” I took a deep breath and continued in a shaky tone. “And I’m ashamed that I’m second-guessing a decision that should be so easy. We thought he was ours for months. We planned for him in every way possible and then we lost him and—” My voice broke. “We grieved.”
Aaron rested his head on my shoulder and linked our fingers. “It was hard.”
“Try excruciating.”
“Yes. You struggled just like I did, Matty, and all the while you were protecting me, keeping me safe, trying to take on more so I hurt less.”
“I love you.”
“I know. You love me so much. I feel it in everything you say and do,” he said softly. “And I hope you know that works both ways and that I’m here for you too.”
“I do.” I kissed our joined hands.
“Then lean on me when you’re scared, Matty. I can take it. Lean on me when you have doubts and when you’re at the end of your rope. I’m stronger than I look.”
“I know you are.”
“So…here’s what I think.” Aaron twisted to face me, crossing his legs as he petted Murphy’s side. “We’re having a baby. That’s a given. We’re nervous, but we’re ready for this. It’s a new beginning, a new branch in our family tree. That phone call doesn’t change our path. Not really. This is where we’re going. Are we going to make mistakes? Yes. Is the house going to bea mess, and am I going to lose my mind about it even though I know I can’t control every little thing in my family’s life? Absolutely. But we’re doing it anyway because there’s so much love here, and we’re ready to share it.”
I nodded, waiting till I could trust my voice to add, “And Xander?”
“Those assholes broke my heart.” He blinked away tears. “But maybe this is the universe’s way of righting a terrible wrong. I know what you’re going to say—we have to be logical and sensible and not let our emotions get the better of us. You’re right. I know you are. And yet…I’m angry at myself for not asking her about him at the park. I could see that she obviously wasn’t okay. I was selfish and?—”
“Stop that.”
“I want to see him, Matty.” He closed his eyes briefly. “And I want to know how soon he can come home.”
I blew out a long stream of air. “I feel the same way, but we have to be sure of every little detail.”