Page 11

Chapter Ten

I ran.

Of course I ran. What else could I have done after Beau kissed me like he had? After what he had said. Telling me he wanted to wake up to me every morning. He couldn’t possibly mean it. But it was exactly what I wanted him to say, and it hurt too much to have him say those words and know they weren’t true.

So, fuck yeah, I’d run.

I was curled up on my couch, my knees tucked under my chin and my arms wrapped around my shins, when I saw Beau’s headlights pull into my drive. They had to be Beau’s headlights. Who else would they be?

I pulled my legs even tighter. I didn’t even know if I was going to let him in.

I was a mess.

How dare he talk like we had some kind of damn future!

How dare he!

“Open up, Maddie!” Beau’s shout was coupled with his fist pounding on my door.

I started to rock. I couldn’t figure out what to do.

I couldn’t.

“Maddie, we need to talk.”

What should I do?

More pounding.

None of the lights were on in the house. Maybe he would think I’d gone to bed.

“I know you’re up. Answer the door,” he yelled.

I stared at my front door, trying to think of what to do. One thing I did know is that Beau and I couldn’t have a future together. I knew that. I’d resigned myself to that years and years ago. Opening myself up to hope would kill me.

More pounding.

This time, he wasn’t as loud, but I could still hear him. “If you don’t answer the door, I’m going to start yelling about how good you feel in my arms. What a fantastic kisser you are. How you set me on fire. How I can’t wait to fuck you.”

I don’t even remember getting off my sofa. I was just in front of the door and flinging it open, then Beau was standing in front of me with a smug expression on his face.

“Are you going to let me in? Cause if you don’t, I’ll start yelling…”

I yanked his arm and pulled him inside. He immediately turned on a light, and I blinked a few times so I could get a better look at him. I could see that he had been running his fingers through his hair, a sure sign that he had been agitated.

“Why are you here?”

“I told you we needed to talk. We need to work out everything. Us. Everything.”

“I hate talking,” I whined. Then, when I heard my whiny tone, I slapped my hand over my mouth.

Beau grinned. “You do not hate talking. You love to talk. Just not about your emotions.”

“You’re a man. You’re not supposed to like to talk about your emotions.”

“But I did,” he whispered.

Damn, he was right.

He tugged me into the armchair and pulled me into his lap.

I sagged against him, my forehead dropping against his chest. “You’re saying all the right things. I hate it when you do that. How do you do that?”

“I do it because I know you. I do it because they come from my heart and my heart belongs to you. Haven’t you figured it out, Maddie? We’re still it for one another.”

I looked up at him. I felt a hitch in my breath. The one I couldn’t seem to control. He saw it. Probably felt it, too.

“You’re just…” I looked away, hating the crack in my voice. “You’re just so good at this. I’m only good at talking out feelings with my kids. Not my own.” I looked up into his beautiful, compassionate gaze. “You say things that make it impossible for me to keep my guard up.”

“That’s because what I’m saying is true.” He gathered me closer. His voice lowered. “You remember that time in eighth grade? Your sisters were at your Granny’s for the weekend, but you stayed back because of dress rehearsal for the school play. Remember?”

I frowned. Then my eyes opened wide. Everything came flooding back.

“Yeah, you remember. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were so cute and excited. You were playing a girl named Emily in Our Town.”

I smiled, but then grimaced, as I remembered what happened the evening he walked me home. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there,” I said softly.

“I hated your mom. She never gave a shit about you or any of your sisters. I could hear the music and the voices from outside the door of your house. I should never have let you open it.”

I couldn’t look into his eyes. I stared at the front of his shirt.

“I couldn’t believe it when that drunk snatched your arm and tried to grab your breast. I lost my mind.”

I could see it in my head. Beau had yanked me back out on the porch so fast I’d almost fallen, and he shoved at the big man who was so much bigger. But he was drunk, so he’d staggered back. We’d taken off running for Beau’s house.

“You were wonderful,” I murmured.

“You were so strong.” He put his knuckles underneath my chin and tipped my head back so he could see my face. “Mom made you hot chocolate, and you crashed on the couch. I stayed up all night just to make sure you were okay.”

“You did?”

Beau nodded.

Tears burned the backs of my eyes. I hadn’t thought about that night in years. But now I remembered everything. Not the fear—though, that was there—but the safety.

Beau.

Always Beau.

“Maddie, I’ve been showing up for you since we were kids,” he said. “I don’t plan to stop now.”

I shook my head, whispering. “This isn’t forever, Beau. You’re leaving. We both know it.”

“I’ve got two weeks.”

My mouth opened, but no words came.

“Maddie…” His hand cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing lightly. “Say something.”

I didn’t. I reached up and pulled down his head and kissed him instead.

It wasn’t a soft kiss. It was desperate. Demanding. Fierce. Every moment of yearning, every ache and want crashed into me all at once. I pulled at the hem of his shirt, tugging it upward, but it didn’t work, not with me sitting on top of him. I stopped trying. Instead, I let myself slip deeper into the kiss, forgetting everything else but the essence of Beau.

I don’t know how long it was before I felt him tug at my hair, pulling us apart.

“What?” I asked. My voice sounded dazed.

“Not like this.”

“I want you. Now,” I protested fiercely.

He pressed his forehead to mine. “We’re not doing this like it’s a goodbye.”

“It might be,” I said, my voice breaking. My hands fisted in the front of his shirt. “But I don’t care. I’ve spent years guarding my heart. Letting no one in.” As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I realized how true they were. All these years I’d been waiting for Beau.

He closed his eyes, like he was struggling with himself. “No, Maddie. Not like this.”

“Yes, exactly like this.”

He shook his head.

“Why?”

“Because this isn’t a one-night stand for me. It never was.” He kissed my forehead, my cheek, the edge of my mouth. Each kiss made me want more. Ache more. “You’re not someone I just want. You’re someone I’ve always wanted. And when I finally have you, Maddie, it’s not going to be fast or frantic… It’s going to be everything.”

I said nothing. I couldn’t. I just held on to him like I was afraid he might vanish. And maybe he would. But it was too far to turn back now. And for the first time in years, my heart was in charge, and I was going to listen to it.

* * *

I don’t know how long I sat on his lap, my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. What I did know is that I hadn’t felt this safe and cared for since forever. I allowed all of his words, the ones that had been tipped with gold dust, to weave their way through my soul. I replayed them again and again.

You’re someone I’ve always wanted .

Yes. Gold dust.

Somehow, I needed him to understand that I wanted him more than just on a physical level, or a friend level. But the right words? I love you. They caught in my throat. Were they true?

Maddie, stop it!

I placed a kiss over his heart and heard him sigh. Then I pressed up and looked into his light blue eyes that gleamed almost silver in the moonlight. He grinned down at me.

“Why are you grinning?” I asked.

“Because I think I know what’s coming.” He smirked.

“You do, do you?”

He kissed the corner of my lips, then pulled back and looked at me and nodded. “Yep, I do.”

“I intend to give you a talking to.”

“That’s what I thought,” he grinned wider.

“You’re not the only one who’s involved at the heart level. You know that, don’t you, Beaumont?”

He nodded. “I’ve just been waiting for you to catch up, Avery.”

“Asshole,” I muttered.

He chuckled.

I smoothed my hands up his chest and rested them on his wide shoulders. He felt so good beneath my palms. Hard, hot, and masculine.

“So, now that you’ve figured out you’re involved at the heart level, are you going to give me a massage?”

“I repeat…asshole.”

This time, he threw back his head and laughed. Then he pulled me in and kissed me.

His kisses were decadent. Better than any dessert or alcohol, better even than a Leon’s praline. I gorged myself for long minutes until I finally pushed at his chest.

“Do you know what I’ve been waiting for?” I asked. I was slightly out of breath. His eyes were sparkling.

“No, what?” He sounded out of breath, too.

“I’ve been waiting to feel like myself again, you know?” I glanced up at him through my lashes. “Not the social worker. Not the sister. Not the fixer. Not the one who has to hold things together. Just to feel like me.”

He sobered immediately, and one of his hands cupped my cheek like I was something precious. “You are you. You’ve always been just Maddie. At least to me you are. You’re just my precious Maddie.”

“No,” I whispered. “I’ve been pieces of me. Broken off bits I show to people. I’m whatever they need to see. But now I realize I’ve always felt whole with you.” I sucked in a deep breath. “That scares the hell out of me, Beau.”

His thumb grazed my lower lip. “It doesn’t scare me. Not even a little bit. Like I said, the real Maddie, the whole Maddie, she’s precious. She’s a gift.”

“Ah God, you better not make me cry, you jerk.” I sucked in another deep breath. I kissed him again, slow and deep this time. When we pulled apart, my smile was shaky. Maybe a little watery, but oh so happy.

His smile was more of a smirk.

“You’re annoying,” I grumbled as I smiled.

“You’re still bossy,” he said, as his smirk changed into a bright smile.

“If I’m still bossy, I might as well run with it.” I pushed out of his arms and stood by the chair. I held out my hand. “Come to bed with me.”

He hesitated.

“It’s not what you think. At least not yet. I just…want you there. I want to fall asleep next to you. I want to wake up with your stubble scraping my shoulder. I want to know what it’s like to have your arms around me in the middle of the night and not feel so alone.”

Something flickered in his eyes. Heat, yes, but more than that. Something almost reverent.

“I can do that,” he whispered as he took my hand. The jerk made me really tug to get him out of the chair, and I found myself laughing again.

I led him down the hallway. “Come on, Beaumont, let’s see if you snore as loudly as I’ve always suspected you do.”

“You’ve dreamed about me snoring?”

“Vividly.”

He followed me to the bedroom, our fingers laced, and for the first time in years, I didn’t feel like I was walking toward an ending.

I felt like I was walking towards home.