Page 24 of Arsonist’s Match (Blaze and Badge #1)

“I’m afraid of being afraid,” Flash confessed.

“I’m sorry for reacting so emotionally to a simple question, but the fact is I’d rather exhibit anger than vulnerability.

I feel like I always have to be the strongest one in the room, but I suppose you do too.

Baring all, I don’t want the responsibility.

It’s one thing to risk my life, put my neck on the line, and something entirely different to give the order that puts others at risk.

What happened this summer was bad enough, and I didn’t tell Smokey to get the pizza or Johnson to open the box.

They did that on their own, and it almost broke me.

What if, as a lieutenant, I make a wrong call and someone under my command gets hurt or killed? How would I live with myself?”

Flash’s admission found a kindred spirit in Athena’s soul.

Some people might seek power and authority for its own sake, out of ego or a competitive drive to rocket to the top, but not Athena.

When it was time for her first promotion, she’d grappled with the same matter, wondering if she could issue that command, or how she’d cope with the loss of an agent.

Still, the weight of that responsibility never left her.

Martin Cruz hadn’t been the first agent under her authority who’d died in the line of duty, but his loss was the most recent, and the one she had to compartmentalize.

Maybe Flash would have to experience it all for herself in the school of hard knocks since words don’t teach.

Then again, with any luc k, she could benefit from hearing how Athena had worked through her reservations.

“I wrestled with the same feelings when I moved up in the bureau,” she said as she stroked Flash’s arm, keeping her snug in her embrace. “It’s not weakness, Flash. Everyone’s afraid sometimes. Oh, maybe a robot, but you, my feisty, passionate lover, are no emotionless robot.”

“I know it hurt you to lose Agent Cruz.”

Athena nodded, brushing another kiss to Flash’s brow.

“I weighed all the factors and asked myself some tough questions, demanding I answer honestly. Was I the most qualified candidate for the position? On paper, in experience, and in my heart and mind, I had to answer yes. Did I believe I could best lead a team in revealing criminals’ identities, tracking them down, and apprehending them?

Yes. Then what about the possibility of losing agents under my command?

I had to consider the alternative—having agents, and possibly civilians as well, die if someone less qualified than I was in charge.

There’s also the pride and valor of the agents themselves, the men and women who swear their oath to give their lives in defense of the Constitution and to safeguard citizens’ lives.

If I take their sacrifice on myself, it diminishes their dedication, their choice to rush into danger to protect the common good.

I know you firefighters are the same way.

What if you had opened the pizza box? How would Engineer Alverez have felt? ”

“Probably guilty, but more of survivor’s guilt,” Flash answered thoughtfully. “It wasn’t his fault the gang was trying to kill me.”

“And it wasn’t yours, either,” Athena reminded her in a pointed tone, squeezing her shoulders.

“You went back for Firefighter Woods at the warehouse, even though you had all been ordered to evacuate. What if you hadn’t made it out, and Captain O’Riley was trapped and killed too, when he came to help?

Would that have been your fault? There are so many variables, a plethora of split-second decisions that hold life and death in the balance in both our jobs, regardless of the rank held. Do you save lives?”

“Yes.”

“Do you save everybody?”

“Someti mes it’s impossible,” Flash answered. “I don’t like it, but I realize we can’t save everyone.”

“Does Lieutenant Edwards inspire your crew? Do they feel confident under his leadership?”

Flash remained in silent contemplation.

“Do you inspire other firefighters and give them confidence? Do they follow your lead?” Athena asked.

“I would hope I inspire them, and, well, yes, they often follow my lead, but that’s because I know what I’m doing. At the wildfire, I told them to follow me jumping through a wall of flames because I’d done it before, and I knew it would work.”

“Exactly. Now, what if you hadn’t been there?” Athena questioned.

“They’d have found another way out,” Flash replied quickly.

After a brief pause, she added, “I think. I mean, it was a seriously dangerous situation. The guy in charge didn’t comprehend the conditions on the ground and left us there too long.

The wind had shifted, and the fire was blazing right for us.

It jumped a stream, flanking us. More than half the crew made it to the trucks, but a small group of us were cut off. ”

“And what would you have done if you had been in charge?”

“I would have ordered our crew out sooner, but the chief was operating with the information he had. I don’t blame him for almost being toasted crispies.”

“Were you the senior leader on the ground?” Athena prompted.

“No, but the lieutenant supported my suggestion.”

“And your suggestion saved your crewmembers’ lives?”

“Well.” Flash sat up and turned to look at Athena. “I suppose so. We were out of options, other than to hunker down in the middle of the creek under fire tents and hope for the best. But I knew my plan would work.”

“And if the lieutenant had rejected your plan?” Athena raised a speculative brow at Flash.

Flash made a sarcastic face and threw a glance at the ceiling. “I’d have probably jumped over the burning log anyway. I wasn’t going to get burnt up because somebody else made the wrong call.”

“And th at’s why you should take the lieutenant’s test.” Athena met Flash’s gaze with confidence after walking her through all the steps.

“We’re going to make mistakes sometimes; it’s unavoidable.

And, in dangerous careers, we understand someone might die.

Surgeons operate on patients every day, knowing one slip of the scalpel could end in disaster.

Dispatchers send truck drivers out over icy roads to deliver their loads when one wrong move could cause a major pile-up.

Air traffic controllers, directing pilots where to fly, hold hundreds of lives in their hands.

And a librarian, driving home from the library, could flick a glance away from the road for a second and hit a child chasing after a ball.

We can’t control everything around us, and we’re never entirely safe from a mistake costing someone’s life, whether we’re in charge or not.

You have to ask, isn’t it better for someone with undeniable skill to make the big decisions than a mediocre firefighter who wanted a raise and a boost to his ego? ”

“Maybe. I guess,” Flash allowed, “but I’m not ready.

I’ll try not to get mad about it anymore, though.

And that stuff I said … I didn’t mean to hurt you.

” A mischievous smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, and Flash batted her lashes.

“You are not too old for me, Athena Bouvier,” she added with a playful smirk.

“I love you, and sometimes I worry that I’m not as fine a catch as I pretend to be. ”

“Then stop it,” Athena commanded, pinning Flash with her most intimidating stare, “because I love you, and that should settle the matter. But, honestly, we must work on our communication, and both cut out the bravado and hiding of feelings. Deal?”

Flash smiled and moved in to capture Athena’s lips.

“Deal.” After a luscious, affirming kiss, Flash pulled away.

“Still, I should just go home now after I ruined the mood. You’ve given me some things to think about, and, hopefully, I’ve granted you some assurances.

Please don’t worry about me falling prey to some girlfriend-stealing vixen.

And if, heaven forbid, we do break up at some point in the distant future, your visitation rights with Snuffles are secure and binding. She loves you too, you know.”