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Chapter Twenty-Seven

“One day, I’m going to learn a second language. That day is not today, kamaráde.” Penni’s Puckleberry Tea

Boh

I left my last Brightside appointment in a daze. One thought reverberated through my head: I didn’t want to tell Novy. And yet the first thing she would want to know is how the appointment went. She knew I expected to be cleared today. She’d probably be cooking up a special meal. Planning a romantic night. Things couples did to celebrate good news.

She met me at the door, her pretty hair loose and sliding over her shoulders as she bounced into my arms. “Well,” she said, “tell me! Good news?”

I gritted my teeth, sucked in a breath, wincing as her sweet meruňka scent filled my lungs. She deserved more than me. More than a questionable—potentially dangerous—future. More than Katie, cleaning up and apologizing for an angry old man. Better to end things now, before she grew more attached.

“Great news,” I said, settling my hands on her shoulders and easing her back. “The best possible news.”

“Dr. Altman cleared you?”

I reached back to my jeans pocket and pulled out a folded packet of papers. Papers I’d had prepared the same day she’d told me she loved me. Papers I’d left hidden in the glove box of the Rover. “You need to sign these.”

“What in the world?” She flattened the papers on the island counter. I couldn’t look away. Despite my intention to insulate myself, I read her like a book, picked up the subtlest nuance of her facial expressions, the tiniest cues of her body language. I saw the moment she suspected something was off—the tightening at the corner of her pretty pink lips, the tiny furrow between her velvet brows.

“What are these papers, Boh?”

“They end the Designated Medical Guardian contract.” The paperwork also included the deed to Fernbrook Center. She wouldn’t have to worry about her Killbillies losing a lease again. The assurance did nothing to assuage the shrapnel destroying my chest.

“So you are cleared?” She looked up, her sapphire eyes flashing with happy excitement.

Happiness. For me. A fist snapped closed around my heart and squeezed.

She picked a pen out of the mug perched on the end of the counter and carefully signed her name where each of the colorful flags indicated. Carefully, as though getting this right and official was important. As though what I needed was important.

She looked up as she refolded the pages without noticing the addition of the property. Why did she sign so trustingly? “What’s this mean for training? Will you be able to go with the guys to training camp?”

She wasn’t connecting the dots. I scraped my hand through my hair and stared into the kitchen over her shoulder. “He cleared me. It’s over.”

“I’m so proud of you, Boh.” She cocked her head to the side. “You were honest, right? Didn’t try to hide any symptoms? I feel like you’re not telling me something.”

I hadn’t had any of the symptoms that had caused me to be locked down in Brightside for weeks now. But for a moment as Dr. Altman drilled me with his never ending questions, I’d been tempted. If it meant keeping Novy close a little longer, I’d been tempted to lie and complain of dizziness or headaches or any of the concussion symptoms I’d vanquished over the last few weeks. But every test I had failed two months ago, I passed today. Every exercise I’d struggled with before, I breezed through.

And I could only be so selfish. I needed to let Novy get on with her life. Set her free from the holding pattern I’d sucked her into that day she’d sent me that wink in Brightside’s lobby.

“I didn’t lie,” I told her then. “He’s cut me loose. Which means you’re free to leave.”

She rolled her lips together. “My apartment is probably missing me.”

“Look, Novy.” Her head snapped up at the edge in my voice. “I don’t think you’re understanding.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, her fingers plucking at the material of her sleeve. “I know I can’t live here rent-free forever. And now that you can drive, it’s no big deal for me to go home.”

Why did she have to make things difficult? I sucked in a deep breath. “Novy, listen. You were hired on to get me through until I was cleared. A glorified babysitter. But the contract has been fulfilled. Whatever you’re picturing in your pretty little head, it’s not happening. Pack your shit and leave my house. We’re done.”

Dead silence descended between us. I stared a hole through the fridge door, but the weight of Novy’s look tore me to shreds. I swallowed. I was a dick. I was being more of a dick avoiding her gaze. I couldn’t afford for her to see the truth. I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.

But I’d never struggled to hold her gaze before and she’d be suspicious if I didn’t stare her down now.

Tears traced a glistening path from her shiny eyes, down the sweet curve of her cheek to drop helplessly to the arms she’d wrapped mummy-tight around her chest.

The fist around my heart wrenched. I dragged in enough air to snarl. “You’ve got until morning. Get your stuff and get out.”

“You’ve made a fool of me. No wonder you didn’t say it back. How could you be such a coward?”

Easy. Because Novy was a sweet, kind woman and I’d let her believe we could be something more. Which gave proof to the fact that she deserved better than a broken man like me—a man who’d known for the last two weeks this moment was coming and yet too selfish to not to accept every touch, every look, every kiss, every word and hoard them like treasures. Because I’d never have another chance with her after tonight. To protect her, I needed to push her away, to erect an insurmountable barrier between us. Make it impossible for her to come back to me because I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to stay away.

Her blue eyes pierced me. Cracked my chest wide open. I scraped my hand through my hair. Jsem zatraceny zkurveny parchant. I’m a bloody fucking bastard.

I needed out of here, out of the apartment. Distance between us. I couldn’t stay here and watch her pack up, watch her take away all the bits and pieces of herself that she’d scattered through my apartment. The bits and pieces that made these cold walls into a home.

“Out by morning, Novy. Get out by morning.”

I headed down to the truck and once behind the wheel, I tapped out a quick text. “Meet me at the Puck’n Boards.”

Kdy? u? něco dělá?, udělej to po?ádně. If a man sets out to do something, he better do it right. Put the nail in my non-relationship with Novy.