Page 25 of Afterglow (Ottawa Regents #3)
Spiral Into the Chaos
Behraz
Whatever part of my brain is responsible for emotional regulation is on the fritz.
Stress from the fast-approaching bar exam has me so unstable; all it took was a call from my brother asking how studying was going for me to have a full-on mental breakdown on the couch.
I’m talking uncontrollable sobbing, endless snot, dozens of used tissues, and a foul odor emanating from my mouth because I’ve been too occupied with crying my eyes out to get out of bed and brush my teeth.
“Bea?” Fletcher calls from behind my closed door. Sweet, patient man. I squeeze out hot tears thinking about how lucky I am to have someone who gives a shit, even though I don’t deserve to. “Can I come in?”
“No, it’s a mess.” I don’t want him to see me like this again.
“I don’t mind.”
I do need him. “Okay,” I wail.
With one look at the sad state of me and my room, his expression softens from worry to compassion. “Oh, sweetheart.”
He toes over old pizza boxes and piles of books while my arms lift for a hug, like a child, and Fletcher scoops me up as if I weigh nothing, sweeping away my dirty laundry to return us to bed in the cocoon of his wide chest. I curl into it, burrowing my face in the cozy crook of his neck.
“What happened?” One large hand coasts down my back with a shush, slowing the rapid pace of my breathy sniveling. “You’re scaring me.”
“What—if—I—fail—again?” I push out a ragged exhale.
Fletcher dots kisses across my forehead, the warmth of his lips drying its clammy surface.
“All those years I was told I was quirky. ‘Silly, clumsy, forgetful, chaotic, screw-up Behraz,’ but it was my brain all along. What if I spiral into the chaos again? Then what? I try again, fail again? And keep the circle of disaster going?”
“It’s a valid fear, but that’s not going to happen,” he assures, pushing back the damp hairs stuck to my face with tears.
“It’s a goddamn mess. I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess.”
I peek up at him, tears sitting on my lashes and snot streaming onto my lips, and move my head around my disgustingly messy room.
He huffs out a laugh. “Okay, you’re a little bit of a mess. But you’re my mess, and I don’t mind it one bit.” Fletcher thumbs a fresh tear away. “It’s gonna be better this time. You have accommodations and more professional and academic support than before.”
I agree with a slow series of nods.
“And I’m here, too.”
“What if you get tired? Gabe and Indi have no clue, and they have enough responsibilities in their lives. They have jobs and families and partners, and how much can they do anyway? I’m too much to take care of. My own parents don’t want to deal with?—”
“Behraz.” He silences me with a finger to my lips. “You’re not too much.” I accept the kisses he plants on my eyelids. “Getting to take care of you is my favorite thing.”
I shed a few more tears at his devotion, letting him baby me until I’m calm. My tears soak the collar of his tee.
“God, I’ve been rambling for, like, hours now. You must be so over it.”
“Why would I be?”
“Because I’m annoying, I just yap, yap, yap, on and on and on…”
“Someone said that to you?”
I shake out a weak shrug.
“Talk all you want, gorgeous.” Fletcher dips down, pressing his lips against the curve of my ear. “Your voice makes my dick wet.”
A cackle escapes me. I’ll never get over this shy man’s dirty talk.
“Fletcher.” My hands cup his face as I tease a kiss from his velvety lips.
This man has seen all my nasty, ugly, messy parts and still acts like he’s the lucky one for being stuck with me.
“I’m not convinced I’m any good for you, but I want you to know” —I tap our foreheads together— “I’m really, really stupidly in love with you. ”
Fletcher beams against my mouth, gushing out a minty breath.
“I love you,” he says softly, sharing a secret that’s meant only for me.
“I wasn’t living before you. Simply surviving.
You nearly killing me with your bike…” He pecks the tip of my nose and the apple of each cheek.
“You brought me to life, Bea. When I say I’ve been obsessed with you for years…
” He shakes his head. “I know it’s pathetic, but I don’t care.
I’m pathetic when it comes to you. Do you remember going to a club called Persepolis with your friends? ”
My eyes widen with recognition, parting my mouth with a gasp.
“I saw you. It was the drunkest I’ve ever been, and I didn’t have the guts to come up to you, despite my friends’ best efforts.” His fingers loop through mine, shifting his focus between us. “You were— you are —literal sunshine in the dark cloud of my sad little existence. The way you laugh?”
“Like a witch?”
He rejects the suggestion. “Like you’re free. Free to be happy, to live life on your own terms. And your smile?” It widens with the praise. He exhales with a low whine. “You’re the brightest star in my sky.”
“Why are you so sweet to me?”
“Because you don’t deserve anything less.
I’ve watched you—admired you from afar for so long.
Saw how you’re a loyal, supportive, protective friend.
Your determination, like nothing is too big a challenge or too serious not to laugh through.
You’re all the things I have no idea how to be.
You make people feel welcome, like they belong with you.
And you fit in, in any place, get along with anyone you meet.
You could’ve had anyone, and you chose me?
” He huffs out a laugh. “Most days, I can’t wrap my head around it. I can hardly believe that you’re…mine.”
It’s the first time he’s said it. No one else has said it before. The next few tears that escape from the corners of my eyes warm my soul. “Say it again.”
“You’re mine.” He fixes his gaze on mine, brimming with unadulterated adoration.
“I love being yours.”
“Can I be yours?” he asks. “It’s all I want, Bea.”
I nod against him, keeping our faces slotted together. “It’s all I want, too. You’re all mine.”
His hold tightens, secure and persistent.
“Can I tell my friends?”
“Tell whoever you want. Hell, let everyone know.”
“What should I say?”
“That I belong to you.”
“And no one else?”
Fletcher seals the promise with a breathtaking kiss. “And no one else.”
The opportunity to do so comes quickly after Gabe and Indi return to Ottawa.
I got so anxious about being late, since I’m always running late, that I got there fifteen minutes early, and forgot they don’t give tables at Wilf and Ada’s until the entire party is there.
I manage to convince one of the usual servers to give it to me anyway.
Indi Bhindi
Running late for brunch!
Indi Bhindi
It’s Akhila’s fault. She always poops whenever I have to be somewhere on time.
Gabe Babe
First of all, how dare you??
Gabe Babe
Second of all, I know you did not blame my angel baby.
Gabe Babe
Lastly, I, too, am late. My husband was horny.
Me
No worries, I’m at our table already
Me
Laura hooked us up
They react with surprised emojis and a million exclamation marks.
Indi Bhindi
What’s going on?? Are you okay??
Gabe Babe
Never thought I’d live to see the day
Me
Hilarious!!!!!!!! (sarcastically)
Indi Bhindi
I’ll be there in 2 mins
Indi Bhindi
COMING TO RESCUE YOUUUU
Gabe Babe
From what??
Indi Bhindi
Whoever is holding her hostage
One of our usual servers approaches to refill my water, and I hold a hand over the rim to stop her. “I’m good, thank you.” When Laura turns toward the kitchen, I refocus on my phone. I can’t believe I’m the calm one on the group chat right now.
“Okay, I’m here.” Indi loops her crossbody over the chair and takes a seat. “Tell me everything.”
“What happened to ‘hello, how are you?’”
“Hello, how are you?” Gabe hugs me from behind and sits next to me. “Now, spill.”
“Hold that thought. I’m so hungry I could eat this whole restaurant.” Indi calls over the familiar waitress. “Hey, Laura. Could I have a mimosa, please?”
“That’s not food,” I comment. It’s also an $11 drink I can’t afford at the moment.
“Make it two,” Gabe adds. “And an order of avocado eggs.”
“Sure thing, what about you?” Laura asks Indi.
“I’ll take a benny today. Florentine.”
“With homies or greens?”
“Both.”
“I’m not ready!” I blurt, unprovoked, taking the three by surprise. Smooth. So chill of you, Bea.
Laura gives us a polite smile. “I’ll…bring out your drinks and have them start on the order. Lemme come back after a few minutes to circle back.”
As our server walks away, Indi narrows her eyes at me. “I was joking before, but now I’m actually worried about you.”
Laura swings by again to drop off glass flutes filled with their mimosas. Indi rushes it to her mouth, nearly spilling it onto her lap. She takes a swig and lets out a contented sigh.
I slide a concerned look to Indi. “I thought you can’t drink while nursing.”
“You can’t. I’m gonna pump and dump. I have an insane amount of stored breastmilk, a whole deep freezer full. Plus, Akhila eats real food now. She’s gonna be fine.” She and Gabe clink glasses and take simultaneous sips.
For the first time in my life, I’m speechless. I don’t know where to start. So much has happened in six weeks.
“Behraz?” Indi’s voice cuts through my wandering train of thought.
I feel like I’m torn apart, being ripped in half like a thin sheet of paper. My mouth quivers into a frown, clinging to a thread of control that’s ready to break.
“Oh, girl.” She comes around to this side of the table to wrap me in a hug while we share the seat.
I tell them everything.
About the ADHD diagnosis and getting kicked out of my sublease. How I moved my stuff in Parvez’s bakery back office using Landon’s Range Rover.
“I wanted so badly to tell you, but…”
“The less I know about the Rover, the less Landon knows about it.”
“Fuck,” Gabe breathes out. “You know you’re welcome to stay at our place anytime.”
“Same goes for us.” Indi squeezes my shoulder and kisses my temple.
“I didn’t want to be a burden.”
Indi’s eyes go watery, refreshing the tears streaming down my cheeks. “You’re no one’s burden, Bea.”
“We’re not blood,” Gabe confirms. “But you’re still family.”
“Where the hell have you been staying?” Indi pauses, then shakes her head. “Never mind, I don’t wanna know.”
I promise you, you definitely want to know.
“You’re coming home with me right after this. I have the minivan. We can grab your things from your brother’s store.”
“That would be a good plan,” I say through a sniffle. “If my stuff was there.”
Gabe’s brows rise. So do Indi’s.
“There’s more…”
Indi sucks in a breath and swivels back to her chair across from me.
“I was coming back from my ADHD therapist one day, and I was riding my bike too fast and not paying attention…”
“Oh, God, are you okay?” Indi searches my body.
“I’m fine, I’m good.” I hold up both hands to keep her calm. “I’m great, actually.”
“You’re great?”
“You’ll never guess who I nearly took out.”
Gabe’s palm smacks the width of her forehead. “We’re brunching with a bike assaulter.”
Even the thought of his name stretches my face into a smile. “Fletcher Donovan.”
“That’s a shit-eating grin if I ever saw one” —Indi hums out a series of disapproving noises— “What have you done?”
“How big?” Gabe positions her hands in the air in front of her, widening the space between them to show length. “Tell me when to stop.”
I don’t. At least not until she passes the diameter of her lunch plate.
“Jesus. He’s bigger than Wade.”
“For sure,” Indi confirms.
Gabe and I whip our heads to her.
Gabe glowers at her. “How would you know?”
Indi shrugs through a bite of salad, then swallows. “The first time I met Landon and Wade was in the locker room. They were both naked as the day they were born, bakery and deli on full display.”
“ Ohhh , yeah,” Gabe intones with a long, slow nod. “Wade mentioned that sometime ago. I kept forgetting to bring it up.”
“Don’t tell Landon, but Wade is definitely bigger.” Indi’s eyebrows jump once as she takes a long sip of her drink. They both move their focus to me. “That means Fletcher is…”
“…the biggest.” Gabe finishes the statement. “It’s always the shy ones, isn’t it?”
“I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m good with Landon’s larger-than-average size. I don’t need monster dick,” my friend says a little too loudly, earning some curious looks from a nearby table.
“Thoughts and prayers.” Gabe leaves a few comforting pats on my back.
Indi takes the last glug of her second mimosa. “R.I.P. your vagina.”
“We…haven’t slept together yet.” The admission has me feeling bashful. Me. Behraz Irani. My face flames. “We’re taking it slow.”
“I’m glad.” Indi clasps my hand over the tabletop.
“I’m in love with him,” I add.
“We know,” Gabe adds through a laugh. “You two finally got it together. We’ve been rooting for you guys for years.”
“Really? I had no idea.”
“Oh, yeah. Wade has been trying to get Fletcher to talk to you forever. You two are made for each other.”
“We are, aren’t we?” I beam. “I’m glad you approve. He’s literally the best thing to ever happen to me.”
“And he’s lucky to have you, but that doesn’t change what I said,” Gabe breathes through her nose through a drink of water. “I’m still praying for you. Whenever you decide to do the dirty, Fletcher Donovan’s gonna have you limping around town for a week afterward.”
Indi chokes. I almost do a spit take, and all three of us break out into a collective cackle.
I’m banking on it.