Page 11

Odette

Our house looked like the holidays had thrown up in it, with garland hanging from every available empty space.

The outside of the house could win some sort of Hallmark movie award.

Murphy had bribed Lennon to decorate the backyard and woodshop like Santa's Village and, in turn, Lennon begged Lux to help, because ‘Mom and Dad had apparently lost their minds.’

Last Christmas we were still in the thick of Lux forgiving her dad and doing our best to shield Lennon from the fall out, and this year we were spending our last Christmas with Lux still under our roof before she left for college.

I might have gone a bit off the deep end to make up for last year and to give her a proper holiday break she could remember.

Murphy had spent this entire last year reaffirming the family unit to the point where Lennon had joked that he was going to run away to Wynn and Benji’s house or his grandparents because at least they weren’t suffocating his adolescence or whatever that meant.

“Mom, I think Dad has lost his mind. I mean really, really lost it.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at Lennon’s complaining, only for it to be followed by Lux scolding him, “Let Dad be. Maybe he’s going senile in his old age; we all know he isn’t the best at decision making…”

“Lux.” I gave off a warning tone, even though she had admitted to me months ago she had forgiven him, she sometimes made these rude, off-handed comments because she was still just a teenager and wanted to push her luck.

“Just sayin…”

“Lennon, go find something else that needs tinsel, and leave me and Lux for a minute please.”

He groaned, “More tinsel? Mom, you can probably see our house from outer space.”

“Sounds perfect to me. Go tinsel something. Now.”

Lux snickered at her brother’s retreating form.

“Sit, kid. Now.”

She huffed but sat regardless. “I thought we were over the passive-aggressive comments about your dad.”

Something we never would have anticipated was what seemed like the never-ending fall-out of Murphy’s indiscretion.

I had known how difficult it would be to restart our relationship, because there was no such thing as a “clean slate” after cheating, but I made a choice, a choice I stuck by, and one I would make again.

“Sometimes it’s hard... I feel this bitterness toward him, and I can’t help it,” Lux said, and I studied her.

She looked almost ashamed of how she was feeling about her dad.

I knew she struggled with the knowledge because she only ever had fond memories of him.

He was always there for her. It was hard for her to separate her dad being her dad and putting him in the “he’s a human who makes mistakes category. ”

“Can I ask you a question, baby girl?”

She shrugged as if it made no difference to her.

“If you had never found out the truth by snooping through your grandma’s journals, would you have ever known what happened between your dad and me?”

She shook her head.

“Now, can you understand why we didn’t tell you?

I know it’s hard for you to understand this because you’re still learning how to become an adult, how to sort through and deal with these big adult feelings, and your dad and I didn’t want this to touch you.

We didn’t want you to judge your father based on the worst thing he’s ever done.

Can you understand that? That we decided together, as a couple, to work through it because he’s it for me, baby girl.

Your dad...he’s it for me, and I’m it for him.

Yes, we got lost, but we found our way. And that’s our journey, our story, our beginning, and we refused to let that be the end.

You have to find a way to be okay with that because you only get one dad, and he loves you more than life itself.

I can tell you that all this anger you have, you’ll regret it one day. ”

“Were you angry at him?”

“Oh, you have no idea,” I told her truthfully.

“But you forgave him?”

“Yes.” There was no hesitation in my forgiveness now; he had earned it and continued to earn it every day of every year that we were together.

“Do you regret it?”

I shook my head. “I don’t regret any part of it, Lux, and that might be hard for you to understand.

I don’t regret the beginning because it gave me you, I don’t regret the fall-out because it made us stronger , and I’ll never regret forgiving your dad because the forgiveness gave me Lennon, and it gave me this beautiful life.

I would have missed out on all that if I held on to my anger. ”

“But you did, for a while... I read about it. For years. I remember, you know, when you guys weren’t together. Now that I’m older, I remember how sad you were. How hard you worked at pretending you were okay. I remember it all now.”

I nodded at her. “A selfish part of me wishes I could have shielded you from that, but I am human, and I made my own mistakes in trying to heal.”

“What made you decide to give him another chance?”

“Truthfully, Lux, I’m not sure. It was a bunch of little things and nothing at the same time.

I realized how it felt like I was struggling to breathe without him.

I saw how dedicated he was to you, how dedicated he was to me , even though I made it almost impossible for him to be part of my life. I saw the change.”

“He’s always been the best dad.”

“I know.”

“Always,” she whispered, and I heard it, even though it was obvious she was saying it to herself, and not to me.

Always.