Page 11

Chapter Eleven

Bonnie

My eyes were heavy as they blinked awake. The dark room was illuminated only by the nightlight in the corner. My hand slapped at the nightstand as the sound of my cell pierced the quiet night.

I squinted at the screen. My stomach sank. “Matt?”

“Bonnie,” he said, out of breath. “You need to come. It’s Easton.”

My legs were over the edge of my mattress before he’d even said my brother’s name. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s worse than ever.” Matt went quiet. I could hear him moving away from the sounds of music and laughter. “You still there, Bonn?”

“Yeah.” I put the cell phone on speaker as I threw on my jeans.

“He’s taken a swing at one of the frat brothers. He hit East back.”

I pulled on my sweater. “Is he okay?”

“He’s bloodied. But he’s not letting anyone near him.” Matt paused. “I’ve never seen him like this, Bonn. He’s all over the place.”

“Where are you?” I grabbed my car keys. I briefly saw my face in the mirror. I looked awful. I threw my hair back in a bun and forced my tired feet to move from the room.

“The Barn.”

“What?” I asked as I made my way breathlessly to the car. “On a Wednesday?” I checked the time. “It’s three in the morning, Matt!”

“It was Cromwell. He wanted to spin. None of us wanted to miss his new set. He came back to the dorms earlier tonight ready to party, drunk as hell. East sent out the word and we all came. It’s been lit!” At the mention of Cromwell’s name, my breathing stuttered. He’d gotten drunk again. No doubt on the whiskey I’d seen him consume over and over again. “Bonn? You there?”

“I’ll be there in fifteen.”

I pulled out of campus and onto the back road that led to the Barn. With every mile, I fought to stay awake. I was getting more and more tired of late. I realized I’d been asleep for all of ninety minutes before Matt called. Cromwell … what has you so hurt? I thought. I hadn’t been able to get tonight out of my head. Now I had Easton to worry about.

Guilt assaulted me when I thought of my brother. Then dread, followed by absolute gutting pain. My hands tightened on the steering wheel. Tears clouded my eyes. I wiped them away before they could fall.

“Not now, Bonn,” I told myself. “Keep it together for Easton.”

I shook my head and opened the window to let in the fresh air. As I drove, I looked at the stars in the dark sky. They always made me feel better.

The lights of the Barn pulled me in. Drunk students piled out of the doors. Fast thudding music played, and I wondered if it was still Cromwell spinning.

Somebody waved their hands. In the glow of my headlights, I saw it was Matt. I pulled my car to a stop around the back, near an old silo. It was déjà vu as I got out of the car. I took a deep breath of air, ignoring the slight new strain it took to inhale. As I walked toward Matt and Sara, I saw a familiar pair of legs next to the silo.

I pushed past Matt to Easton on the grass. His eyes were rolling around in his head. I kneeled down. “Easton?” I slapped his cheek. I looked back at Matt. “What the hell has he taken?”

Matt shook his head. “Don’t know. Never saw him take anything but shots and beer.”

I ran my finger under the leather cuffs he always wore and over his scarred skin, searching for his pulse. It was beating fast, but not crazy.

His eyes opened. “Bonn.” He smiled, his mouth bloodied. I assumed it was from the fight. Easton’s face slipped from happy to torn in a matter of seconds. He pulled me closer. “What’s happening?”

“You’re drunk and, I think, high, Easton.” I took hold of his hand.

“No,” Easton said. Then he searched my eyes. It looked like there was a moment of clarity in his gaze. “I mean, what’s happening? With you? ” I stopped breathing for a second. He laughed once without mirth. “I know it’s something.” He cupped my head and brought me in close, touching my forehead to his. “You’re hiding something from me. I know it.”

Tears pricked my eyes as his rolled back again. Pain shot through me, and I wanted to scream. Instead, I turned to Matt. “Can you help me, please? I need to get him back to his dorm.”

“Bonn?” Another voice came from behind me. Bryce was jogging over to us.

“Hi, Bryce.”

“Everything okay?”

Matt hoisted Easton to his feet, but my brother’s weight was too much for him. Bryce helped prop Easton up. “Where to?” Bryce asked.

“My car, please.” I led them to my car and opened the back door. Bryce slid Easton inside and shut the door. Hit with a sudden wave of dizziness, I leaned against the car and put my hand to my head. I was too hot. As much as I was fighting it, I knew this was getting too much.

“Bonn? You okay?”

I faked a smile. “Yeah. Just tired.”

Bryce smiled at me and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I’ll follow you back in my car. I didn’t drink.”

I glanced at the Barn. “Were you on the decks?”

“Yeah. But it doesn’t matter. Party’s over anyway.”

“You sure?” Bryce had a nice smile. I wondered what Cromwell’s full smile would be like…I shook my head. I wouldn’t think of him right now.

“Bonn?” Bryce tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I tensed. “Sorry,” he said, blushing. “I shouldn’t have…I…”

“It’s okay.” I squeezed his hand. It wasn’t calloused like Cromwell’s. He didn’t have tattoos on his knuckles.

I doubted he could create a masterpiece from nothing either.

I released Bryce’s hand and opened my car. “I’ll see you back at his dorm.” I slipped into the car as Bryce jogged to his. I watched him go and felt an ache in my chest. I had never let him in. He’d been there all this time, on the sidelines. And I’d never let him in. I’d never let anyone in.

You can’t, an inner voice said. It wouldn’t be fair.

My traitorous brain brought Cromwell’s image back to my head. And what it felt like sitting beside him. What it felt like to touch him. Listening to him. Him fighting a smile as we sat on the grass at the concert.

“Bonn?” Easton’s slurred voice came from behind me.

“I’m here, Easton.”

“What’s happening?”

“I’m driving you home.” I turned onto Main Street. “Not long now.”

“No, with you . What’s happening? ”

My stomach fell again. It was the second time he’d asked it. A cloud of darkness seemed to settle over the car. I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I looked in the rearview mirror. Easton’s face was tormented. His hand landed on my shoulder. “You’d tell me, Bonn, wouldn’t you? The truth.”

“Easton.” A lump the size of Jupiter clogged my throat. “I’m okay.” I hated myself the minute I said those words. “Just rest.”

Easton smiled in relief, but I could see the lines of worry still printed on his forehead. He must have been thinking this for a while. My hands shook on the wheel as I drove the rest of the way home. I pulled into a parking spot in front of his place.

Bryce pulled in beside me. I turned off the engine and just sat in silence for a second. It was all getting too hard. It was all getting too much. I looked at the students staggering drunkenly back to their dorms and felt a gap form in my stomach. I had never experienced that. Would never know what it felt like.

I wasn’t one to wallow. But right then, I let the grief for what I had to miss consume me.

A knock on my window snapped me out of my sadness. Bryce’s face was there. “Open the door. I’ll get him out.”

I pushed out of the car, trying to ignore the fact that my legs felt like lead. Bryce threw Easton’s arm around his neck. I led the way to the room. I pulled out my key, but I paused when I thought of how Cromwell had reacted before.

I knocked on the door. My heart worked overtime as I waited to see if he would answer. It had been only hours since he’d walked out on me. Yet it felt like a lifetime ago. No one answered. He must have still been at the Barn.

I slid my key into the lock. As I did, the knob turned and the door opened. I lurched forward, righting myself at the last minute with my hand on the doorframe.

It took me a while to lift my head, but when I did, I was greeted with a hard, wide chest, every inch of which was covered in tattoos. I sucked in a breath when I saw Cromwell standing before me in only black boxer briefs. His chest was rising and falling, and I realized he was out of breath.

His dark blue eyes were glazed from liquor and struggled to fix on me. “What the fuck?” he growled.

“Cromwell, I’m sorry. It’s Easton. He—” My voice cut off when I heard a mattress creak. My eyes immediately moved to Cromwell’s bed, and my heart completely shattered in my chest. I didn’t know that was possible. I didn’t realize my heart was still able to function this way.

“Cromwell?” A voice I knew sailed from the bed. Kacey lay under the comforter, only her bra straps showing.

My face set on fire. My cheeks burned and I struggled to breathe. I looked up at Cromwell and found him still watching me. Only now his face had paled. His lips parted, as if he was going to say something, but the only word whispered was “Bonnie…” I heard something in his voice. Saw something in his eyes as he stared at me, something I couldn’t explain. Guilt? Embarrassment?

I didn’t know if that was just wishful thinking.

Ever the one to torture myself, I couldn’t stop studying him further. His chest was red and glistening. His hair, which was, to be honest, always in some form of disarray, was even more messy and unkempt. And then I focused on his lips. I didn’t know why, but seeing them red and swollen got to me most. When I’d gotten to my dorm tonight, I’d stupidly let myself wonder what it would be like to kiss them. To feel them against mine. To hear my name whispered from them as he held my hand…

I made myself focus on the here and now and push that painful vision from my head. Cromwell was practically naked. As was Kacey. I quickly realized that Cromwell hadn’t cared. What we had shared tonight hadn’t meant anything to him. Not if he could, only hours later, go out and do this.

“Oh, hi, Bonnie.” Kacey sat up in the bed. Her eyes avoided mine. Her cheeks blazed with embarrassment.

“Hi,” I managed to force out. I turned, ignoring Cromwell. “Um…I was bringing Easton home. He drank too much.” I walked back to where Bryce was glaring daggers at Cromwell. “But he can stay in my room with me. I can see you’re busy.”

I put my hand on Bryce’s shoulder and ushered him back. I didn’t want to turn around to see if Cromwell had shut the door or watched us go. But nothing seemed to be going my way tonight. A glutton for punishment, I glanced over my shoulder, only to see Cromwell standing in the doorway, his tattooed body taut as his hands gripped his black hair. But it was those deep blue eyes. Those eyes as dark as a summer’s night that fixed on mine, drunken desperation shining in their depths, that utterly destroyed me.

With every step, I grew more and more confused. It was only when I missed the turning for my dorm room that I realized how shake up I actually was. There was a pit forming in my stomach.

I wanted to gouge out my eyes when all I kept seeing was Cromwell’s flushed skin and pink cheeks. His chest coated in sweat from…from…

“Bonnie, it’s this way.” Bryce was waiting for me at the door to my dorm.

I smiled and brought out my key. “Sorry. I’m so tired.” I didn’t know if Bryce bought it or not, but he dutifully followed me through my door and placed Easton on my bed.

Easton was fast asleep in seconds. I pulled the comforter over him and then faced Bryce. “Thank you,” I said, finally making myself look at him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I need sleep. I…I still haven’t been feeling too well.”

“Okay.” Bryce stood awkwardly on the spot, before he leaned down and pressed a kiss on my cheek. I sucked in a breath as his lips touched my skin. My chest didn’t tingle with flutters, and my stomach didn’t tighten the way it did around Cromwell, but it was sweet. Bryce was sweet.

And he wasn’t intent on self-destruction. On destroying me too.

“See you tomorrow, Bonn.” He walked out of the door. I rocked on my feet as I watched him go. I thought back to Cromwell and Kacey. The way he clearly didn’t feel anything toward me like I’d thought. The music he’d shared with me meant nothing; it was simply a display of his talent. I laughed a mirthless laugh. I thought I’d somehow helped Cromwell play from his heart in some magic way. It turned out it was only true in my mind.

“Bryce?” I spoke before I’d even thought it through. But when Bryce turned, I ignored the blush that burst on my face and said, “You know you always ask…” I shook my head, my voice wavering. I tipped my chin up and met his eyes. “If you want, we could go out on Friday?” I glanced at the floor. “I mean, if you want—”

“Yeah,” he said before I even got a chance to finish my words. He took a step closer to me. “I’d love to take you out.”

I didn’t get the fireworks I’d expected in my soul. But I got a happy bloom, and I supposed that was enough.

“Good.” I put my hands in my pockets, just for something to do.

“Good.” He smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Bonn.”

I changed into my pajamas in the bathroom then lay on the small sofa bed that my mama had put in my room when I moved in. I stared at the ceiling when sleep didn’t find me. I willed my brain to turn off, because I didn’t want to feel anymore. But it betrayed me. It didn’t help me by allowing my body to rest, my limbs too heavy and aching. Instead it showed me this evening like a show reel. From the start to the finish.

When it ended, I found myself starved of breath. But I forced a deep inhale and refused to give in. I had fought for so long, never giving up. I was fighting still.

I wouldn’t give up now.

As my eyes grew heavy, I failed to get rid of the image of Kacey in Cromwell’s bed, cheeks flushed and eyes bright.

I stared at my hand, the one that had touched him earlier. And it quickly lost its shine. It seemed as though Cromwell would let anyone touch him but me.

And, I hated to admit to myself, that hurt.

* * *

“Bonnie.” Professor Lewis blew out a slow breath.

I met his gaze straight on. “I can’t…” I shook my head, feeling the palpitations like thumps in my chest. I rubbed at my sternum. “Professor Lewis, I understand your position about dropping partners. I do. But working with Cromwell…” I sighed. “Frankly, it’s been the most trying academic thing I’ve ever done.”

Lewis studied my face. “Ms. Farraday—”

“Have you checked your emails today?” I glanced at the clock; it read eight thirty. I’d met Professor Lewis as he was unlocking his office ten minutes ago. I knew he probably hadn’t.

He frowned. “Why would that matter?”

“Please.” I swallowed the nerves that were beginning to rise. “There’ll be something from the dean.”

Professor Lewis kept the confused look on his face as he switched on his computer and read the email from the dean. I knew he had received it because I saw his face drop in sympathy—it was why I didn’t tell anyone.

He opened his mouth to speak. I beat him to it. “Working with Cromwell causes me more stress than I can cope with.” I gave him a smile. “I love your class, Professor. It’s my favorite.” He smiled back at that. But I hated the new way he was looking at me. Like I was damaged. Like I was a fragile doll that might break apart at any minute.

I looked around the office, at the pictures on his wall. At the painting of swirls of bright colors hanging above his desk. It reminded me of one of Easton’s pieces. I stayed staring at the picture but said, “I want to create music.” I huffed a laugh. “In all honesty, I’m not that good at it.”

“You’re a lyricist,” Professor Lewis said. He pointed at my file. “I read it.”

“I am.” I took in a breath, feeling my cheeks heat. That was something else I didn’t share. My love of words. Words that attached themselves to music until their meaning was only heard through song.

“I’m determined, Professor. To finish your class.” I sat straighter in my chair, hoping it would give me the confidence I was lacking at that moment.

“I plan to submit my composition at the end of the year with everyone else.”

“I’m sure you will,” he said encouragingly. It fueled the spark that forever sat within me and helped fill me with hope.

“But I can’t do that with Cromwell Dean.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I know you trusted me to help him. To push him to work for this assignment…but…”

“No need for further explanations, Ms. Farraday. I am fully aware of Cromwell’s attitude.” He scribbled something in my file then sat back in his seat. “Very well. It’s done.” He rubbed his hand over his stubbled chin. “Are you okay working alone?”

“I’m better that way.” I shrugged. “Years of practice have been forced on me.”

“Then, Ms. Farraday, I look forward to hearing how your composition progresses.”

A heaviness I didn’t know I carried lifted from my shoulders as Lewis granted me permission to break from Cromwell. It was quickly replaced by great fear. Fear that I would never be able to produce anything like Cromwell had played for me last night. But it didn’t matter. The main victory was that I was free of him.

I ignored the dull underlying ache that simmered underneath the strong sense of relief. I got up, seeing that class was about to begin.

“I wish you luck, Ms. Farraday. With everything.”

I gave Lewis a tight smile. “Thank you.”

I left his office and walked down to the classroom. Bryce was already sitting in his usual seat. He flashed me a wide smile when I climbed the two steps to join him. My stomach flipped, but not in nervousness or excitement. I knew it was because I had agreed to go out with him, finally. I really shouldn’t have. I was reacting to that night. To Cromwell and Kacey. But seeing Cromwell living life exactly on his terms made me determined to start doing things I had never experienced while I still could.

I simply couldn’t let myself or Bryce get too invested.

“You look beautiful,” Bryce said shyly as I took my seat next to him.

“I look tired,” I said and laughed. The dark circles under my eyes were getting worse. No amount of sleep would help with that. But he didn’t need to know it.

Bryce’s attention went to the front of the class. His smile slipped from his mouth and his face flushed with red. I knew who had walked in, just by Bryce’s reaction. I kept my eyes on my notepad. I was doodling around the margins, meaningless swirls. When Cromwell passed me, I smelled the spice of his cologne or whatever it was that made him smell that way. My heart leaped to my throat when I realized he’d stopped. My breathing increased in rhythm and my hand worked faster on my meaningless drawings.

I didn’t want to look up. I couldn’t, then… “Bonnie.”

I closed my eyes as Cromwell’s voice hit my ears. His voice was laced with sadness again, like it had been so many times when he’d briefly let me inside a little. When some of his armor had cracked.

But right now, I couldn’t let his rough voice in. Seeing him with Kacey had hurt. So I kept my eyes downcast. This, and the tiredness that was sapping me of my energy, was too much.

My shoulders were tense, cold shivers darting down my back. Finally, Cromwell walked up the remaining steps to his seat.

“Dick,” Bryce muttered under his breath. I pretended I didn’t hear that either.

Lewis walked into the room. “Turn to page two hundred and ten. Today we learn about concerto form.”

I did as instructed and managed to block Cromwell out completely. That was, until Lewis called his name at the end of the class. “Cromwell, I need to see you tomorrow at the end of the day.”

I gathered my things and got out of the classroom as quickly as I could. I knew what that meeting was about. “Bonnie!” Bryce caught up with me.

“Hey.”

“So tomorrow?” Bryce rubbed his neck again. I realized this was his nervous tell.

“Tomorrow,” I echoed.

“How’s eight at Jefferson Coffee?”

“Perfect.” I relaxed a bit. I knew the coffee place inside out. It would make the date easier for me to go on. I would be there on Saturday too, but the Saturday crowd was never made up of students. Saturday was for the Barn around here. It made going to the coffee house two nights in a row more bearable. No one knew me.

He laid his hand on my arm and squeezed. “See you then.”

“You too.” I watched him go. He was nice. Kind. And that’s exactly what I needed to tick this experience off my list. Someone who didn’t make me feel worse than I already did. Instead, they’d show me what a real date was.

I reached into my purse for my chewing gum. It wasn’t until I looked up that I saw Cromwell leaning against the wall across the hall, outside Lewis’s office. He was close enough that he would have heard me and Bryce talking.

He was glaring at me, a pinched, almost angered expression on his face. I didn’t care. Because all I could see when I looked at him was Kacey half naked in his bed and his unkempt state as he answered the door.

Shoulders straight, I walked past him and into the fall air. The cool breeze was no comfort to my starved lungs. I wasn’t sure there was any remedy for the way my body always reacted to Cromwell. Distance was the only thing that would help.

So I planned to keep far, far away. As I looked behind me, I saw him smoking beside the door, eyes locked on me. Only in this light, I saw the sadness shining through like a beacon. It made me lose a breath.

So I put my head down and walked to my next class.

And I didn’t look back again.