Page 33 of A Winter’s Romance
L ady Florence decided to hold a small dinner party to celebrate her wayward son’s temporary return home. This sent Louisa into a panic, and she questioned Lady Florence closely on who would be attending and whether she could be excused from the event.
After Lady Florence had insisted that Louisa was needed, she left the room troubled. She did not recognise any of the names mentioned, but all it took was one last minute change of plan, and she would come face to face with someone she knew. She did not notice Miles following her out of the room until he grabbed her arm.
“If you would follow me, Louisa, I would like a word,” he said quietly, steering her to the dining room.
“Let go!” Louisa said angrily, shaking off his hold. “Why can you never behave like a civilised human being?”
“When I am faced with other civilised beings, I can,” Miles responded insultingly.
“What do you want?” Louisa asked, but her concern increased when he pushed the door until it was almost closed. “What are you doing? It is not appropriate to close the door.”
“It is not fully closed, do not worry. I have no wish for anyone to think I had compromised you; this conversation is private,” Miles replied. “Exactly what is your game?”
“For the last time, I have no game!” Louisa said, wanting to stamp her foot in frustration.
“Why are you so afraid of who you might meet? Who are you hiding from? What have you done?” Miles demanded of her.
He was far taller than she was, and although she tried to hold her nerve, she was intimidated by this version of him. “Why is it so important?” she asked, trying to feign confidence and stall for time. “If your father is happy with what I have told him, why are you dissatisfied?”
“That is the point. He is not happy. He does not understand why you do not trust him enough to tell him about your background. It is a fine way to repay his kindness, is it not? He offers nothing but welcome, and you repay him with secrets and dishonesty.”
Miles had hit Louisa’s weak spot, her affection for Lord Hindley. She went to bed every night wishing he could have been her father and woke up every morning thankful she would have another day with him. To hear that he was upset with her cut her to her core.
“Why did he not say something to me? I never wanted to upset him,” she asked quietly.
Miles had gained the advantage and pressed on. “He is a gentleman and would not force you into doing something that would make you uncomfortable. ”
“Unlike you,” Louisa muttered darkly.
Miles smiled, unabashed. “Yes, unlike me. I prefer to find out exactly what or who we are dealing with.”
“I am trying to escape something I could not face.” The fight had gone out of Louisa. She hated the thought that she had hurt her hosts.
“I know that,” Miles interrupted.
“Do you want me to tell you or not?” Louisa glared at him. Only when Miles nodded in response did she continue. “I am not an heiress, and I had hardly any dowry. I thought I might be lucky enough to attract an eligible match, a farmer, or perhaps even a clergyman, but was under no illusion that any match would come with a large fortune.”
Louisa paused, and Miles waited. She knew her eyes would reveal the pain and sadness of her past. He shifted as he stood before her, but his face did not soften. He clearly mistrusted her, and she could not stand the thought that Lord Hindley might feel the same way.
“Go on,” Miles eventually said.
“My uncle paid for me to attend a good school, and my parents insisted that I stay there through the holidays. Probably to reduce the expense of my travels to and from school.”
“Some of the richest children spend most of their time at school,” Miles said.
Louisa nodded. “It was not a complaint on my part. I was happy there, and my uncle visited occasionally and took me out for the day; those are my treasured memories. Last year, I was summoned home, and my parents told me things I could not believe. I realised my situation was unbearable because of their actions; I was completely alone and could turn to no one. Perhaps I panicked, but I left that night and started walking to London.” This was still vague, but it was more information than she had hitherto given. “It took me two weeks, walking mainly at night, but I managed it, though I was half-starved when I got there. I thought I could get work, but then I faced the reality of my situation. No references and looking like a beggar meant no job, so I ended up on the streets. There was a man one night, and he…”
Miles stilled. “Did he hurt you?”
“He was going to, and in some ways it was my own na?ve fault, for I had answered him when he spoke to me. Rosie intervened and managed to chase him off. He had only ripped my dress. I was lucky it was not worse, and although I am older than her, she took me under her wing. Thanks to her, I managed to survive. It was terrifying. I did not know how the three of us would endure the winter. Billy could not do anything to help other than beg scraps, and I refused to make money the way Rosie had done in the past and did not wish her to be forced into that again. The harsh reality was, we would starve to death if we did not freeze first.”
“And then my father came along,” Miles said. For the first time, there was no condemnation in his voice, which surprised Louisa.
“Yes. The first time I met him, I thought he was like all the rest of the gentlemen who roam the streets at night, but when he returned, he brought Lady Florence, and they offered us so much. I had promised to repay Rosie and Billy’s kindness, but your mother and father took the debt out of my hands and gave us much more than any of us could have hoped for. I can never thank them enough for what they have done. ”
“But you knew the society they keep could put you in touch with your parents again,” Miles said. “If it was as bad as you said, why would you put yourself at risk of being discovered?”
“Your father insisted that it was the three of us or none. I asked him to take Rosie and Billy and leave me. I realised the risk I was taking by coming with him, but because I had not explained my situation, he could not know what I could be faced with here,” Louisa admitted.
“So you thought to sacrifice yourself?”
Louisa reacted to the mockery in his voice. “Do you know what it is like to be desperate? No! Of course, you do not! You, who have had everything since the day you were born and will have it until his dying day. Little Lord-in-waiting, running around feeling he is hard done by if he loses at faro! Let me tell you about life on the streets. It is not the lice and rats that are scary, though those are plentiful. It is the women who would stab you for a single coin. And then there are the men. If they want you, they take you, as I nearly found out. Beatings are normal. They would force you to work for them, selling your body, or stealing for them until you are no longer any good for either. Then you would be abandoned. The survival rate for abandoned women is a matter of weeks, although death is probably a release. Through all of this, when we risked sleeping, I would dream of clean sheets and loaves of bread and wake up so bereft that I wanted to cry, but any sign of weakness and you have lost the fight. I could not allow myself to do that, or it would have all been for naught.” Louisa took a breath. She had never spoken about her true feelings to anyone before, and yet here she was, shouting them at Miles .
He stared at her without uttering a word, and she could not tell if what she had revealed had any effect on him, so she continued, unable to stop now she had started.
“Your mother and father offered shelter, warmth, clothing, food, and safety. Condemn me for being weak, but I was tired of being scared. I just wanted peace. I want to hide away. I do not want to see anyone from my past again,” Louisa said quietly. “I just want to feel safe.”