Page 83 of A Winter of Discontent for Henry Milch

Tran said, “It really is for the best. She’ll be safe and she’ll be with her mother.”

“Safe and my mother don’t always go together,” I said, bitterly. “Which should be obvious to you. Who are you hiding them from?”

“We can’t discuss that.” Petrie said. Then she reached for the baby again. “Just give her to me. Talking about this isn’t going to make it any easier.”

She stepped forward and put her hands on the baby, Tran close beside her. I wanted to fight back, but how do you fight back with a six-month-old baby in your arms? They pulled her away from me. Emerald began to scream as they backed away from the door. Nana Cole grabbed my arm and held tight. She whispered, “We’ll see her again.”

“No. We won’t.”

I shut the door because I couldn’t stand the sound of my sister screaming as they put her into the gray, government issue Ford. I thought about going up stairs and taking a coupleof Ativan, maybe four, or five, but then decided against it. It wouldn’t work. They wouldn’t give me what I wanted. What I needed.

Instead, I went into the kitchen and got a big heavy gauge garbage bag. I went around the house and began putting everything that had to do with Emerald into the bag.

“Don’t throw anything out. Just put it all on the porch,” Nana Cole said.

“Why? You think someone else is going to drop a baby in your lap?”

“Take it to the Salvation Army then. It shouldn’t go to waste.”

She turned and made her way back to the living room. A few minutes later I could hear her crying. I continued for a while, dumping the baby food, folding up the playpen, putting her toys in a bag. Eventually I stopped.

I took a few deep breaths to keep myself under control. I grabbed my puffer jacket, put on my boots, and left without saying good-bye. And then I just drove, listening to the wind as it came through the hole in my canvas roof. The sun had already set as I headed inland.

Who was I kidding? I should not have been surprised my mother snatched Emerald back. Seriously, what did I think she was going to do? I knew she’d come for Emerald eventually. It’s just… Did I think they were going to live nearby? Did I think she’d come back and we’d all move back to LA and live happily ever after? Why hadn’t I thought this through… Well, to give myself a little credit, no matter how many times I thought it all through I wouldn’t have come up with Witness Protection.Witness Protection?!

Never. I would never see my sister again. She’d grow up somewhere else, with a different name, without a brother. Without even knowing she had a brother. And I’d never see my mother again. Honestly, at that moment it was the lesser of myconcerns. I was very angry at her. And in the midst of my anger, I realized that never seeing her again meant that my anger would never change, I’d always be angry at her. She’d never apologize or make it up to me or understand how the things she did affected me.

I was on Turtle Highway heading out to Queens Way Mobile Home Park. Ronnie had offered me a raincheck on some thirties, and I was going to take him up on that. My face was wet; I kept wiping at my eyes. I didn’t feel like I was crying, but maybe I was. My vision was blurring, and I had to wipe fast?—

And then a deer jumped out from behind a guard rail, running in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, and for a moment I thought the deer might get by me before—but then no; I hit it. After a loud bending, crunching sound, I pulled over.

I grabbed the flashlight from the back seat and got out of the car. I scanned the area looking for the deer. There was some blood on a snowbank, but no sign of the deer. I turned around and looked my car over. The hood was bent upwards, the fender was creased, the bumper was cracked, the headlight on the driver’s side pointed off in the wrong direction…

“Fuck, Bambi killed my car.”