Page 54

At some point during the evening, I realized I couldn’t continue pacing the house indefinitely, or visiting the nursery to look in on Emma every quarter hour.

She was safe. She was sleeping peacefully with Mrs. Mackay just steps away.

My fretting was not helping anyone, especially me, and might very well wake her.

So I retired to my bedchamber and rang for Bree. Changing into my nightclothes might not make me less anxious, but at least I would be more comfortable. Plus the act of my maid brushing and braiding my hair had always had a rather soothing effect on me.

Bree was quiet as she worked, her fingers gliding through my tresses with practiced ease as she smoothed and separated and weaved.

I closed my eyes, allowing myself to be lulled by her ministrations and the silence except for the shush of the strands of my hair rubbing against each other and the soft tick of the clock.

I’d begun to feel some of my anxiety dissolving and wondered if I might be able to seek the oblivion of sleep after all before Gage returned. Until Bree spoke.

“Was he correct? Did I hinder the investigation? Would Anderley have uncovered what he learned aboot Fletcher sooner wi’oot me?”

My eyes popped open to stare at her fretful countenance in the mirror. It took me a moment to grasp that he referred to Bonnie Brock.

“You were listening in the corridor.”

“Aye.” Her gaze flicked up to meet mine, hesitant at first and then more resolute. “Wanted tae be sure he didna mean ye harm.”

I didn’t scold her. Not when I was grateful for her concern for me.

Though she must have returned to the servants’ quarters soon after Bonnie Brock had made his remark about Anderley going soft.

Otherwise, I knew Bree would never have stood idly by while the rogue tried to force me to kiss him.

She was more likely to have fetched a pistol or a knife and threatened to make garters of his guts.

That was something I would have liked to see.

Her mouth pleated as she resumed braiding my hair, and I realized she’d taken my silence for agreement with Bonnie Brock’s sentiment.

“No, Bree,” I said. “He wasn’t correct.”

But doubt still lingered in her eyes.

“For one, we already know Anderley’s presence at the White Horse was drawing unwelcome speculation,” I reminded her. “For another, if he hadn’t become suspicious, there’s no guarantee the maid would have shared anything with him.”

Her skepticism was tangible, and I had to concede that Anderley’s charm and good looks had proved to be rather potent forces in the past. Regardless, this was not my most important point.

“But even if he could have… coaxed the information from her.” I chose my words with care. “Doesn’t mean he should have.”

Bree frowned. “But the inquiry…?”

“Uncovering the truth, finding justice for those who have been wronged is important, but not at the expense of wronging the innocent in the pursuit of that truth. And misleading that maid would have been wrong.”

She finished tying the ribbon securing my second braid, and I turned on the bench to grab her hands, forcing her to look at me.

“Anderley might still have gotten the information from her without crossing a line that would be unfair to her and unfaithful to you. He knows this now, and I believe he’s all the better for it. I’m sure his conscience rests easier.”

When she would have pulled away, I prevented her, deciding to once again break my and Gage’s rule not to interfere in our staff’s personal lives. Truth be told, I was abominable at following it. Anyway, Bree was the one to raise the subject. Or so I excused myself.

“I thought his altered behavior was what you wanted. His failure to adapt his flirtatious ways was one of the reasons you decided to return to merely being friends a year ago, but I thought you’d reconciled the matter since then. Am I wrong?”

“Ye’re right. We did.”

“Then why are you questioning it now? Is it just because of what Bonnie Brock said?”

She backed away, and this time I let her.

Turning toward the bed, she picked up my orchid pink dress, running her fingers lightly over the jonquil stitching as if she was examining it for damage.

“It…it’s no’ just that. It’s…” She couldn’t seem to find the words to explain, and the longer she remained silent, the more concerned I became.

“You both seem to care deeply for the other,” I broached softly, trying to help her.

She nodded. “Aye, we do. That’s no’ the problem.” She frowned fiercely. “Or perhaps it is.”

“I don’t understand,” I admitted when she failed to elaborate.

She lowered the dress, staring at the wall above the head of our bed. “I canna see a future for us.” Her voice was tight with anguish. “No’ one where we’re both happy.”

I still didn’t comprehend. “Because of your positions?” I tried to guess. “As long as it didn’t adversely affect your work, we would keep…”

“But it would,” she interrupted vehemently, turning toward me. “There’s no way tae avoid it.”

“But nothing would truly change. You would still hold the same positions and help us with our inquiries.” I flushed lightly. “Nothing except that you and Anderley would share chambers.”

“And when a bairn comes along?” she demanded almost angrily.

Realization slowly began to trickle through me.

“I canna perform my duties and take care o’ a bairn.

I realize ye might be unconventional, m’lady…

” she shook her head “…but ye’re no’ impractical.

I would have tae resign.” She gazed down again at the dress clutched in her hands, her voice growing increasingly forlorn.

“We’d rent a cottage in Warwickshire near yer estate or rooms here in Edinburgh, where I would remain while Anderley continued tae travel wi’ ye, pursuin’ yer inquiries.

That, or he’d resign as well and be forced tae find other work.

But I dinna see him wantin’ tae leave Mr. Gage’s employ, and I would never ask it o’ him. ”

I could tell now that she’d been stewing over this for quite some time, and I felt a sense of shame that I’d not recognized the difficulties earlier.

Having a child had certainly created logistical considerations for me, but as a wealthy gentlewoman, I could hire whatever staff was needed and pay for anything I desired to minimize any complications.

I could pursue my art, and conduct inquiries, and travel wherever Gage went as long as certain members of our staff came with us.

The greatest potential barrier came from my husband, who could forbid me from doing any or all of those things and I would have no legal recourse to fight him.

Fortunately, Gage did not exercise such an authority over me.

Our marriage was a partnership. But the fact of the matter remained that lawfully he still could.

While I didn’t expect Anderley to be dissimilar, his and Bree’s situation was much different.

They were not wealthy. They were dependent on their wages for their living.

When children came along, as of course they would—there was no effective way to prevent it, and I knew Bree wanted them eventually anyway—she would have no choice but to resign her position to take care of them.

They couldn’t afford a nanny or a governess like people of my and Gage’s station could, and offering Bree to use ours was simply not done.

Not only because it was unorthodox and frowned upon by many, but because it very likely might cause a revolt among the staff, who, if possible, were even more conscious of social class and rank than those who employed them. Even our staff.

“And I take it you don’t wish to remain behind?” I asked carefully, recognizing that her dissatisfaction stemmed from this.

“Would you ?” she challenged, misunderstanding me.

“No. No, I wouldn’t.”

This seemed to appease her, for her irritation softened into gloom.

“I like bein’ yer maid.” She arched her chin.

“I like the satisfaction o’ kennin’ I sent ye tae a ball or soiree lookin’ like a duchess, even if ye are no’ one.

” She smoothed her hand over the silk of the gown draped over her arm.

“I like travelin’ tae new places and seein’ new things.

And I like helpin’ wi’ the inquiries, o’ makin’ a difference, even if ’tis just a small one.

” Her gaze when it lifted to mine was unspeakably sad.

“I would miss ye, and wee Emma, and Mrs. Mackay, and all the others. I’m just no’ ready to give all that up. ”

I offered her an empathetic smile. “Have you explained this to Anderley?”

She stiffened in frustration. “Aye, but he doesna understand. Or maybe he simply doesna want tae. All he seems tae hear when I try tae make him see the matter from my perspective is that our bein’ wed isna enough tae make me happy.

Which is easy for him tae say. Nothin’ would change for him.

He can carry on as he has. I’m the only one whose life would be totally upended. ”

It was no wonder she’d been so conflicted these past few weeks and months. All these things had been stirring in her mind, with no immediate solution in sight. And she’d largely been facing them alone since Anderley seemed unable to see the matter objectively from her point of view.

“I’m sorry, Bree,” I told her, wishing there was something more I could do.

“?’Tisn’t yer fault,” she said, brushing a stray strand of her strawberry blond hair out of her eyes as she began to gather up my other discarded garments.

“No, but I wish I’d realized sooner what a conundrum you’re in. I wish I knew the solution.”

She turned to face me and sighed, offering me a smile of comfort. “I ken ye do, m’lady. ’Tis why I havena said anythin’. ’Tis my problem. Weel, mine and Anderley’s. And you’ve enough tae contend wi’. I dinna want ye takin’ on this burden, too.”

“You’re never a burden, Bree,” I assured her, but I could tell she didn’t believe me.