Page 32 of A Tale of Two Dukes

‘Yes,’ said Viola slowly. ‘Yes, I suppose we must discuss it. Though I do not know how much there is to be said. The past cannot be altered.’

‘Of course it cannot. It is years too late for that and we both know it. Viola, I should tell you now that I had wondered if I should approach you after Edward died, once your mourning was over. You’d been married to him for so many years that any sensation over the match and its outcome must have been long forgotten, and it wasn’t very likely anyone would assume that the boys could possibly be mine.

Not when he had accepted them and lived with them as their father for so long.

But the disparity in our fortunes was still so great, I still had so little to offer you. ’

That sounded very much like a convenient excuse to her, and it didn’t matter anyway, except that she wished he wouldn’t lie to her.

Again. ‘Far too much time had elapsed by then,’ she told him crisply.

She was agreeing with him, on this at least, but that didn’t mean that they were in accord.

She let down her knees and moved to sit more upright against the pillows; it was impossible to have a discussion of such a serious nature lying on her back like a stranded turtle.

She could not afford to feel so vulnerable in his presence.

‘If we ever knew each other or cared for each other – and at this distance, I cannot be sure we did; we were both so young – the passage of years had driven us too far apart for us simply to resume where we left off. You said in your letter that I would not believe or accept declarations of love if you made them now, and you were quite right. Especially because you were never honest with me, Richard, were you? Not even when you were swearing undying love to me.’

He made no immediate response, his face closed and bleak. If she had expected him to rush into some smooth denial, plainly, she was to be disappointed. Would she never learn?

Angry with herself as much as him now, she went on, ‘You have made me think about the past when I have learned to be very adept at pushing it away, deep down where I need never confront it. To stir it all up again was your choice, not mine. And now that you have done that, you must live with the consequences. Even you, with all your audacity, can hardly expect that such a dangerous exercise will put me in charity with you, and come cuddling up to you begging for caresses. I think I’d like you to leave me alone for a while now, Ventris. ’

‘Are you saying…?’

‘I don’t know what I’m saying, other than just now, I want you gone.’

She saw a flash of something in his face that looked very much like anguish, and went on roughly, desperate to drive him out of her presence before she softened towards him when he did not deserve it, ‘I need some time alone. There is no need to make any more of it than that. I am your wife, and nothing can change that fact. I am committed, however much I might sometimes wish I wasn’t; I will have your child if I can.

But just now, I do not wish to look at you. ’

‘That is your right,’ he said desolately, and left her without another word.

Viola sank back against the pillows, suddenly exhausted, and let the memories come flooding back.

All of them, as he had said, damn him – the brief moments of joy, and the searing pain.

Perhaps wherever he was – and just now, she didn’t much care – he might be doing the same.

God knows he had as much to regret as she did, and maybe even more.