Page 14 of A Summer Thing

But too soon, embarrassment slinks through me, weeding unease through my veins as the memory invades.

Jude, holding my face in his hands, urging me to simply breathe because I couldn’t manage to do it on my own.

Jude, slipping into my bed and holding me against his chest as I fell asleep, somehow knowing his presence would help push the nightmares away.

What am I supposed to say if he asks what happened?

Surely, I can’t just tell him that I might be utterly, thoroughly, and completely fucked up.

That the accident, and the years that followed, might stay with me forever, no matter how much I try to claim otherwise. Reminding, and reminding, and reminding me, that maybe I was the one responsible, and maybe I am the one who should have been taken instead.

I’m not sure how long I stand here under the spray, driving away the intrusive thoughts, driving away the coldness they bleed into my psyche, but by the time I pull myself from the shower, my fingers are ten tiny prunes at the tips, and my lips are a bluish color when I find my reflection in the mirror.

They almost match the color of my eyes—a deep blue, like the sea, flecked with a lighter hue as the color reaches my irises.

For the space of a few trembling breaths, I’m almost certain I can see every battle— every war —waged and won and lost, staring directly back at me through my gaze. And maybe that’s what Addy meant when she said she could see how much I’ve fought just to be standing here.

But I’m tired of fighting.

I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to live.

______

I make my way downstairs after I’ve dressed and brushed my teeth, my damp hair trickling water down the back of my neck—and drop myself directly into a living room full of football players, and Addy.

My insides clench, tightening with unease. But I breathe through it and paste on a smile.

It’s not a genuine smile, but I’m genuinely trying.

Addy jumps up from her seat on Boss’s lap. “Dec, finally!” She heads straight toward me and wraps me up in her embrace. “I didn’t want to wake you,” she says, quieter so only I can hear her, but I catch her exchanging a small, knowing glance with Jude from over my shoulder.

My best guess is he told her about last night. I don’t really blame him for doing so, but it’s still uncomfortable, wearing my demons on my sleeve for everyone to see.

“Declan?” Addy says, drawing my focus back to her, but I’ve managed to miss her question entirely.

“I’m sorry.” I shake my head, pushing my thoughts into the foreground. “What were you saying?”

Her smile is slow-moving, her eyes thoughtful, as her palms rise up to meet my cheeks. “Are you okay?” she whispers, and my gaze catches on Jude’s from across the room.

I nod, ignoring the handful of other stares prodding at me. “I’m good,” I say, and both her and Jude’s demeanors lighten, his attention pulled away by one of the guys and her smile brightening as she holds me at arm’s length.

“Okay. Yeah. Good.” She steps another foot away.

“So, as I was saying, the air conditioning is broken.” Her eyes bug out of her face, portraying her every frustration with that statement, and it inadvertently makes me crack a smile.

“And for whatever ungodly reason, Dad is dead set on fixing it himself. So that’s where him and Mom are—out getting parts.

But in the meantime…” she gestures to the group of men splayed out around us, “we were thinking of heading out to Landon’s lake house.

” She nods toward one guy in particular, but my mind skips over the movement, forgetting his face entirely.

I’m too busy focusing on the sinking feeling in my stomach.

It’s not because I don’t want to go, or because I don’t want to join in on something that in her eyes, promises to be something really fun, but it’s because of how excited she looks, how hopeful she is it’s something I’ll be excited about, too. And well… I guess I kind of don’t want to go.

After last night, I’m not sure I can handle it.

A bunch of people I don’t know, the noise, the fake smiles, when I’m still reeling inside, still trying to push away the images that continue to haunt me.

I don’t want to be a black hole in Addy’s universe, but my reply is caught in my throat, wishing we weren’t in a room with fifteen other guys so I could just explain to her what I’m feeling.

In reality, it’s only six guys, but it feels like fifteen.

My heartbeat ratchets higher, trekking through my limbs. But when my gaze shifts and meets Jude’s again, when he pushes off the wall and makes his way across the living room, my heart inexplicably starts to calm.

He slings an arm over my shoulder when he reaches us, leaning down to say, “You coming with, Little D?” Little D. I make a mental note to ask him at some point what the nickname is about.

Sleep, Little D , his low, guttural demand invades my thoughts, its whisper of a memory weaving through my mind.

“I don’t know,” I manage to answer. “I—”

“How about this,” he cuts me off, speaking low enough so only I can hear him.

Addy’s brows raise in a silent question, amusement lifting the corners of her lips.

But my focus is pinpointed on Jude’s quiet words.

“If it gets too crowded or too intense, and you feel yourself start to panic, you wrap your hand around mine, give it a good squeeze, and I’ll get us the fuck out of there. Alright?”

I don’t know how he knows that that is what I’m worried about, but it forces a lump to form in my throat, my emotions still rubbed raw from last night, too close to the surface.

I try to swallow them down, and then nod my head. “Yeah, okay. Thank you.” It’s barely a whisper, but Jude’s hold on me tightens in confirmation that he heard my words.

Addy’s resulting smile tells me she heard the whole exchange, too.