Page 12 of A Spark of Luck (The Defenders #2)
“And we never went back for you to look her up, and now she’s home. Well, we’re two steps ahead. You’re talking to me about her, and you want to find her.”
Hunt turned to watch the street, rapidly sorting through his feelings. “Yeah, I do. I need to.”
“Sex must have been good.”
“It wasn’t the sex. It was her.”
Doogie dropped the fork he’d picked up. “You’re really serious. You haven’t talked about her at all. ”
“I had some things to straighten out in my head first.”
“Man, you never straighten out your head when it comes to a woman. That’s not the way it works.”
“Oh, so you mean I’m going to have to stay confused like I have been.”
“No, it means you finally get out of your own way and act on what you feel not what you think.”
“Well, heck, Doog, why didn’t you tell me that months ago?”
Doogie took a bite of his pie before cutting his chicken fried steak. “You didn’t ask me.”
“Jerk.”
“Ass.”
“Buy a plane ticket Hunt and go. Nothing risked, nothing changes. Do it while we’re in a lull.”
“We’re never in a lull.”
“Ask for leave and make it work, Bossman. You won’t be sorry.”
Hunt sipped his coffee and watched Doogie clear his plate. Find a way back to Cait to figure stuff out.
Like it was that easy.
§§§ §
Cait had moments that stayed embedded in memory and would be part of her kaleidoscope on the day she died.
Losing her father and brother in a car accident. The agony of that loss could rip through her at the oddest moments.
The euphoria when she made med school.
The commitment and pride in joining the army.
The horror of her first time in a war zone.
She turned her head to glance at Ryan Coleman, the movie theatre dark around them. The sound from the movie bounced through the theatre. The action generated loud noises making her tense. This was the last time she let him pick the movie. Even the smell of popcorn wasn’t soothing.
His easy smile and friendly manner had convinced her to move on with her personal life.
He smiled at her, clasped her hand, and kissed the back.
She’d been dating the man for three months and still couldn’t let her guard down.
He sensed that fact and had been subtly pressuring her to trust him.
Which brought her to the last memory permanently and painfully embedded.
Her night with Hunt. A night she talked about with no one except Jackie. A night she continued to define as crazy insane and a product of a war zone .
Things were blowing up on the screen. She was trying to appear absorbed, but truth be told, she’d lost the thread of this movie about ten minutes in. After spending a bunch of her professional life in war zones dealing with the reality of explosions, the destruction held little appeal.
God knew she was trying for normal, and Ryan was a darn nice guy, but a relationship wasn’t happening. He was expecting things she had no plans to deliver.
Hell, she had trouble kissing him, and sex was not ever happening.
She wanted nothing that would wipe away the memory of being close to Hunt. No matter how handsome, how smart, how personable Ryan was, she couldn’t let go of the committed, rough-edged SEAL whom she knew so little about.
To explain to Ryan meant she would have to reveal the details of that encounter, let out passionate, overwhelming feelings that made no sense in context with how long they’d known each other, and to finally share why she was still hung-up months later.
And justify why today she’d said yes to a third tour of Afghanistan.
Ryan wouldn’t understand. Her logic didn’t make sense. But the moment she’d been contacted to fill in for an injured colleague, she’d jumped .
That colleague was a friend, and covering for him would be no hardship. But she was betting heavy money on being able to find Hunt again during those six months. How to explain to Ryan.
She stifled a jerk when his hand closed on her neck and rubbed. “You’re tense, babe. Relax.”
She gave him a half-smile and turned back to the movie. No interest in catching up to the story, she wished like hell she was on call tonight and could plead a need to go to the hospital.
Yet it was time.
Time to let him down any way possible. She’d be leaving for Afghanistan in four short weeks, and she couldn’t manage all these conflicting emotions – the anticipation of seeing Hunt again, the hurt she was about to inflict on a decent man, and the difficult atmosphere of Bagram and Kabul.
“Do you want to leave?” Ryan whispered in her ear. If she were truly engaged, his hand in hers and his quiet question should have been a signal to tune into him. All she wanted to do was tap out.
She turned and nodded at him. The theatre was half-full, and they’d sat toward the side aisle so getting out without disturbing everyone wasn’t a problem.
That he’d tuned into her not enjoying the movie wasn’t unusual for him.
He had to be aware that she was messed up seven ways to Sunday, but he was sticking.
Which would be sweet if she cared. She did in one way and did not in a big way.
She grabbed her purse, and in one motion moved toward the door. Out in the hallway, she waited for him to whine about missing the movie, but he was carefully studying her.
“Dinner instead?”
Cait shook her head. “Too tired. Too distracted. I want to go home. I’m sorry. I know you were looking forward to this movie.”
“I’ll get tickets again and come alone. I should have known a war movie wouldn’t suit.” He took her hand, and she stopped the urge to pull back. She didn’t want this conversation in public.
Cait stayed silent and followed him out the theater door into the parking lot. At the car, he opened the door. “I wish you’d talk to me. I can’t help you without that.”
Civilians didn’t understand the trauma of war. If you didn’t come home wounded with obvious scars, they didn’t get it. Ryan was an exception only because she hadn’t discussed it with him. She stayed quiet and got in his car.
He kept his own silence until they were on the freeway to her apartment. The traffic was unusually light for a San Antonio Thursday night .
“I’ve done something that upset you.” His hands tightened on the steering wheel, his gaze resolutely out the windshield.
“Why do guys always go to the whole ‘you’re upset’ idea? I’m not upset with you. In fact, if anything I’m mad at myself. This is a ‘me’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem. And yes, I know that’s a cliché.”
He swiveled his head to glare at her then jerked his attention back to the road. “When a woman says, ‘it’s me not you,’ it’s you.”
She shifted in her seat, knowing she couldn’t avoid this conversation. But knowing it was time and knowing how to let him down easy were two different things. She brushed off non-existent dust from her jeans and then gripped her hands together to stop nervous gestures.
She plunged. “I’ve been tasked to go back to Afghanistan, and I said yes.”
He snapped around to stare at her. “Why? You’ve done two tours.”
She eased in a breath. “That’s not the way this works, Ryan. The Army says go and I say yes. That’s it.”
Did she owe him an explanation about the secret part of her that wanted to go? That needed to resolve whatever the hell this was with Hunt?
No .
He turned back to his driving. “I thought you said you weren’t due to go back and wouldn’t go if asked.”
“I guess I did say that. But the person scheduled to go suffered an injury and couldn’t go. They requested I fill in, and I’m in the habit of holding up my end of what this life requires of me.”
“Without talking to me?”
Temper flaring, she let go of her prayer pose and tightened her fingers around the strap on her purse. “Last I checked, Ryan, you weren’t part of my chain or my colleagues.”
He lapsed into silence, a muscle ticking in his cheek. “I thought we were building a connection. Is this about me trying to have sex with you a couple of nights ago?”
Cait shut her eyes. Partly, her inner self yelled at him, but she’d never admit it aloud.
She been too complacent and hadn’t engaged.
She’d been stuck in friend mode, and he’d moved past that.
But to share her thoughts on all this, well that would be to talk about something that had been so special and so private, it would be a betrayal.
“Yes, in that I realized you were getting more serious about us than I was, and no, because you had a right to ask. We’ve been dating for three months.”
“How long? ”
“How long what?”
“How long have you known? How long will you be there? You expect me to wait?” He pulled off the exit in light traffic and sat drumming his fingers on the steering wheel at the red light.
Cait’s insides twisted into a molten mess.
She’d eaten little dinner which was good news because she might throw up from all this stress.
“I found out this morning that they needed a slot filled. Six months, and I don’t expect you to wait.
In fact, I don’t want you to. I don’t know where I’ll be assigned when I come back.
I can’t carry this relationship with me.
It’s too new and too tentative. I’m sorry. ”
Ryan turned at the light, staring out the windshield. He continued the silent treatment the six blocks to her apartment complex until parked in her lot.
His hand came down on her neck. “It’s all been for nothing then?”
She shrugged off his hand, her stomach diving when it was a bit harder than she expected.
He was pissed, and the emotion was reflected in the hard glint in his eyes.
Unfastening her seatbelt, she opened her door.
Was her mace and her knife in her purse?
That question told her how far Ryan’s mood had degenerated.
This was not the man she knew, but what had she expected ?