Page 23 of A Sea View Christmas (On Devonshire Shores)
Not knowing what to say, Sarah put a tentative arm around the girl’s shoulders and felt them tremble as she wept.
After a time, Effie sniffed and lifted her head almost defiantly. “I’d like to see my mam on Christmas too. I’ve a thing or two to say to her.”
“Oh ...?” Sarah said uneasily.
Effie swiveled on the stair. “Will ye go to the churchyard with me?”
“I ... Of course I would. But your ... Mr. Henshall would be more than happy to accompany you.”
“I know. But he was married to her, probably thinks she was perfect. Will ye think ill of me for not agreeing?”
“No, I won’t. I’m happy to take you, Effie, although may I at least mention it to him before we go? I’d hate for him to feel we’d left him out or that I’d usurped his place.”
“I don’t want him to hear what I have to say to her.”
“Nothing ye could say would surprise me, lass.”
With a start, they both looked over to find him standing outside the parlour door. Effie appeared as guilty as Sarah felt.
“I was coming to find ye. Could see ye were upset. Didna mean to eavesdrop, but I’m glad I heard, so I can explain.”
Sarah stood. “Perhaps you might prefer to sit in the library, where it’s warmer and more comfortable?”
Effie rose in agreement. Sarah was about to excuse herself to let the two talk privately, but Effie took hold of her hand and did not let go.
In the library, Mr. Henshall added wood to the fire before Sarah could do so.
When the three had settled into chairs near the hearth, he turned to Effie and began, “In the past, I took care in what I said about your mam. Didna want to speak ill of her or taint your view of her. In hindsight, perhaps I was too careful.”
Effie stared at him, an expectant, almost fearful light in her eyes.
He sighed and went on, “The truth is, your mam suffered from a deep depression of spirits. The doctor called it hysteria. He tried and failed to treat her successfully. Due to her condition, and the abuse she had experienced, she pulled away from us both, especially during the last year or so of her life.”
“But why? It wasna our fault.”
“I know. Unfair as it is, I think she distanced herself because ye reminded her of Mr. McKay. And she retreated from me, because among other things, she’d had two miscarriages and didna want to risk losing another child.”
“Did she? She never said.”
“She refused to speak of it, and I ... Well, ye were still so young, I wasna sure what to tell ye.”
He swallowed and said, “But I want ye to hear me, Effie. Even though she didna fully love us does not mean you’re not worthy of love. You are . Completely.”
Her chin trembled. “That abusive man was my father.”
“I know, love. I know. But ye are not him, nor to blame for his cruelty.”
“For so long, I tried to make him—and her—love me....” Effie’s voice broke.
He nodded. “I know. Too well. I thought I could make her happy—that in time, she would come to love me. I failed.”
Effie shook her head. “You were good to her. Good to us both. And we treated ye shabbily in return.”
“It’s all right.”
“No, it isn’t. I always thought that if I had tried harder after he died, been a better daughter ...”
“No, lass. She was ill. It wasna your fault. Nor mine, though it took some time to realize that.”
“I want to believe ye.”
“Then do.”
“All right.” Effie rose abruptly.
He looked at her uncertainly. “All right, what?”
“You come along. The three of us. I’m ready to visit her grave.”
Sarah rose and said, “I need not intrude further.”
But Effie took her hand again and held fast. “You too.”
They went to the hall closet and began gathering their outer things. Mr. Gwilt appeared and asked if he might be of any assistance.
Sarah said, “Please let my mother know the three of us are going for a walk.”
“Will do, miss. It’s cold out there. Be sure and dress warm.”
Together the three walked through a quiet, late Christmas afternoon. Mr. Henshall carried a lantern, as darkness fell early in the wintertime.
When they reached the churchyard, he led the way to his wife’s grave, its granite headstone topped by a Celtic cross.
Effie appeared to brace herself as she stepped forward and stood before the headstone.
She stared down at the inscription and said, “How strange to see her name like that, in stone. Katrin McKay Henshall. His name and yours together. Beloved Wife and Mother. Did ye love her?”
With a quick glance at Sarah, he nodded. “I did.”
“So did I.” Effie’s voice quavered. “ Forever in our hearts ? Forever breaking our hearts, ye mean.”
He shook his head. “She will always be a part of us, Effie. As hard as it is, we must try not to let the memories, the disappoint ments, continue to hurt us. It’s not easy to forgive someone who should have loved ye unconditionally, who should have cared for ye and cherished ye, but I hope ye will. ”
Effie drew a long inhale and released a frosty breath. She faced the headstone again and said more softly, “Mam, it’s me, Effie. Your daughter.” She gave a rueful laugh.
“I know ye are not here. Not really. Still I had to come and face ye. I know ye didna love me ... and that really hurts. Like a gapin’ hole in my soul that won’t heal. But it’s Christmas and wherever ye are now, I forgive ye. I hope ye are with God, and I hope ye are at peace.”
Mr. Henshall put an arm around the girl’s shoulders. “Well done, lass. I don’t know why God allowed her to suffer, and ye as well—fallen world, broken people.... I don’t know. But she is at peace now, thanks to our merciful Savior.”
Effie nodded, clearly reassured.
“And please never doubt ye are loved. Deeply. I love ye, and your aunt and grandfather love ye.”
Sarah added gently, “And so do I.” And she realized in that moment that she truly did love the girl.
Tears filled Effie’s eyes, and she leaned into him, still holding Sarah’s hand.
Callum held the girl close to his side, then looked up at Sarah, their gazes knitting together in understanding and so much more.
When they returned to the house, Effie seemed relieved and much happier. She went up to the attic with Georgiana, Cora, and a few others to rehearse their performance for the next day. Mr. Henshall promised to join them as soon as he could feel his fingers.
Sarah and Callum sat together before the library fire to warm up. Mr. Gwilt brought them tea, and then he too went up to the attic, having been recruited once again to take part in Georgiana and Effie’s play.
After a few minutes of companionable silence, Sarah said, “You and Effie have suffered a great deal. I wonder how you manage to remain sanguine and hopeful.”
He considered. Sketched a shrug. “I suppose that comes from faith, and perhaps from being raised by cheerful, loving parents.”
Remembering the “charming neighbor” his sister-in-law mentioned, Sarah said, “You once told me your first marriage had left you disillusioned about the state. That you had decided to be cautious, and not hasty in forming another attachment.”
He nodded. “We Scots are prone to caution, aye. After Katrin, I was reluctant to risk my heart again.” He leaned forward, bridging the gap between their chairs and taking both of her hands in his.
“But I’m through being cautious. Scots are known to be forthright too.
So if ye think I am hesitant where you’re concerned, let me make something clear.
I know how I feel about ye, lass. I am only holding back out of respect for your feelings and your situation here. ”
Sarah swallowed and when the tension between them grew uncomfortable, she attempted to divert the conversation. “I hope I’m not giving away a secret, but Effie mentioned she doesn’t like bearing her father’s name and that her aunt wants her to use her own surname—Katrin’s maiden name—instead.”
A shadow crossed his face. “I know. Once I realized how much Effie disliked her surname, I asked her to adopt mine, to allow me to be a real father to her, in name as well as relationship. She refused.”
“Perhaps she will change her mind.”
“I hope so. I am a patient man. I am giving her time and biding mine, making a point not to pressure her. Though it is my dearest wish that one day she’ll do me the honor of taking my name.”
Sarah again became aware of the imploring way he was looking at her. The appeal shimmering in his wide green eyes.
Were they still talking about Effie ... or about her?