Page 19 of A Mother’s Last Wish

19

LOUISA

I knew Holly and Tom were up to something when I kept catching them having whispered conversations, and clamming up immediately when I came into the room. I thought they were conspiring about my treatment, trying to work out ways to encourage me to keep going, but I was wrong. I’m so grateful for everything we’ve done together over the past two days, even if I’m not sure whether the exhaustion I’m experiencing right now can ever be alleviated, because it was worth every bit of it.

‘I hope you’re feeling a bit better, we’ve got a busy weekend planned.’ Tom planted a kiss on my forehead yesterday morning, when he came in to bring me a cup of coffee. I used to love tea first thing, but ever since the chemo my taste buds have changed, and I can no longer stand the taste of my beloved morning cuppa.

‘Have we got people coming?’ I tried to keep my tone neutral, but I could hear the desperation in my own voice, willing him to say no. Friends have rallied round since I shared my prognosis, and Joanna has been particularly kind, stepping in to help out whenever Tom and Holly are stretched too thin. But I didn’t want more visitors, I just wanted time with my family, which meant I slumped against the pillows with relief when Tom shook his head.

‘No. We’re going out. Me, you, the kids and Holly.’ He’d smiled then, and there was a twinkle in his eye that I hadn’t seen for a very long time.

‘Where are we going?’

‘Never you mind.’ He tapped the side of his nose, still smiling. ‘Just wear something casual and comfortable this morning, and Holly will take care of the rest. Although you might want to bring a coat.’

I peered towards the window as Tom drew the curtains back. ‘It looks lovely outside and it’s the height of summer.’

‘Not where we’re going, it’s not.’ He dropped a wink then, and despite all my attempts over the time it took before we were finally ready to leave home, neither Tom nor Holly would tell me where we were going. The children didn’t know either, or they wouldn’t have been able to keep the secret. Stan was already hinting at something that was coming later, something he had a special outfit for, and Flo kept furiously shushing him.

The children got even more excited when we pulled up outside a wildlife park about half an hour’s drive from home. Tom took the wheelchair I’m now reliant on a lot of the time out of the boot, and we were ushered into the park like VIPs by a member of staff who came out to greet us when we gave our names at the gate.

‘This is a lovely idea.’ I smiled up at Tom as we headed along the path through the park, soaking in the children’s excitement and their squeals of joy as they spotted different animals along the way.

‘You haven’t seen the half of it yet, but this is down to Holly, not me.’ I reached out and squeezed my sister’s hand, hoping she knew how grateful I was for organising everything. It sounds stupid, but just lately I’ve found making plans for a simple day out overwhelming. I keep telling myself that I should be making more memories, ever since the success of painting the sunset, but I’m just too exhausted to make things happen. This was different, and somehow, I could feel it reenergising me.

I still had no idea what was coming, but the smell hit me before I saw the sign. The last time we’d come to this wildlife park, the enclosure that was up ahead hadn’t been there. Flo’s feet left the floor as she began jumping up and down with excitement, when she realised where we were.

‘Penguins! Mummy, look, penguins, hurry up!’ She pulled at my hand with excitement, and I turned my head to look up at Tom.

‘How fast can this wheelchair go? I think our daughter is getting more than a little bit impatient, so don’t spare the horses.’

‘Your wish is my command.’ He broke into a jog, both of us laughing as he pushed me up the ramp and into the enclosure itself, where the zookeeper welcomed us all by name, explaining that we’d be feeding the penguins.

The smell of fish was powerful and far from pleasant, but it didn’t do anything to detract from the unadulterated joy of the moment. Seeing the expressions on the children’s faces was magical, and I couldn’t fail to smile as I watched them tentatively picking up silvery fish from a bucket, the same sort that Flo had seen recently lying on a supermarket fish counter, which she’d declared disgusting. All of that previous distaste was forgotten, and feeding the penguins was half an hour of pure happiness. None of us could stop ourselves from laughing at the way the penguins waddled, but not half as much as we laughed at Tom and Stan’s attempts to imitate them.

‘This is the best day ever!’ Flo declared when we finally left the enclosure.

‘It is!’ Stan agreed, as he skipped along the path ahead of my wheelchair.

‘Well it’s nowhere near over yet. Any guesses as to where we’re going next, Lou?’ Holly raised her eyebrows as she looked at me and I shook my head.

‘All I know is that it better be somewhere they won’t mind if the smell of fish is lingering on my clothes a bit.’

‘Don’t worry about that, I’ve got a whole different outfit planned for you!’ My sister tapped her nose then, in exactly the same way as my husband had done hours before, and it crossed my mind again just how in tune they were.

If someone had given me a million guesses about where we were going next, I still don’t think I’d have got it right. When we pulled up outside St Martin’s church, I kept asking what was going on, but there was a conspiracy of silence. Well almost. Both the children were twittering with excitement, and Stan was clamping his hands over his mouth by the time Tom got my wheelchair out of the boot again.

Holly whisked me inside, through the main body of the church and into another room at the back of the building. Hanging up inside was a beautiful green dress and a matching fascinator, along with another dress and fascinator in shocking pink.

‘Which one do you want?’ My sister gestured towards the dresses.

‘The green, of course. You know it’s my favourite.’ I still had no idea what we were doing there, or why we needed such dressy outfits, but I realised I didn’t care. Whatever it was that Tom and Holly had planned was fine by me. My sister had picked out a dress I fell in love with immediately, because she knew me better than anyone else ever could.

‘Well thank God for that, because it would never fit me, and I’ve always looked better in pink anyway.’ She laughed then, and stuck out her tongue, sharing a joke only the two of us would understand. We hardly ever rowed growing up, but we’d had what was quite possibly our worst row ever, about who looked best in a pale pink top Holly had bought from a charity shop, when we’d been about fourteen. The truth was she had looked far better in it, but I just hadn’t been willing to admit it back then, and it had been a running joke ever since.

It took a while to get into our glad rags, because everything I do seems to take forever now, but when we eventually re-emerged into the main body of the church, there were lots of people there, all of them smartly dressed too.

‘Is someone getting married?’ I whispered to my sister, and she shook her head, as I leant heavily on her arm, having decided I could make it into the church without the aid of the wheelchair.

‘No, but it is a very important event.’

When Tom got up from the front pew, he was wearing a navy suit and crisp white shirt, and he kissed me gently, before he helped me into a seat.

‘Welcome, welcome everyone.’ Kate suddenly appeared at the front of the church, beaming out at the congregation and catching my eye for a moment, before refocusing on the crowd in front of her. ‘It’s so wonderful to see so many proud parents here to witness this year’s graduates from Little Acorns nursery, and from Castlebourne Infants School, as they receive their diplomas.’

I barely had time to react, as Kate began reading out the names of the children, who each came up in turn to collect a scroll of paper, tied with a scarlet ribbon, and shake Kate’s hand. They were wearing silky black capes, and matching mortar boards, the type you can buy from an online fancy dress store, rather than an academic outfitters. The sight of them brought a lump to my throat, even before Stan appeared, beaming broadly, every inch as proud of himself as I was of him. Flo’s class were the last to be called up, and she looked just as excited as her brother to be collecting her certificate.

I was crying long before the service came to an end, and even though the moment was tinged with sadness, my overriding emotion – just like at the zoo – was one of happiness. I’ve been so scared that the children won’t remember me, especially Stan, but the impact of a day like that has to last, I’m sure of it, and I love my sister and Tom more than ever for making it happen.

‘Can I bring Dad and Irene to see you next week?’ Kate asked later, after I’d thanked her profusely for her part in making the graduation happen.

‘I’d like that,’ I said. I might have had enough of visitors, but I haven’t forgotten the conversation I had with Kate in the church when I was told that the cancer was incurable, and I want to speak to Kate’s parents more than ever, to find out whatever I can that might help Tom navigate a new relationship after I’m gone.

I think I was more exhausted than I’ve been in my entire life by the time I got to bed last night, but I was still shocked when I woke up this morning to discover it wasn’t morning at all. It was already twenty past twelve.

‘Hello sleepy head.’ Tom was sitting in the corner of the room, and he smiled when I finally opened my eyes.

‘You know I find that creepy, you watching me.’ I pulled a face, but he was still smiling.

‘And you know I can’t help it. I can’t take my eyes off you when you’re in the room. I haven’t been able to since day one, not even when you’re asleep and slobbering into your pillow.’ He laughed then and I stuck out my tongue, not sure I was strong enough to hurl a pillow in his direction.

‘I was not slobbering!’ When we first got together, I might have worried that he was serious, but he’s always teased me about stuff like that and, anyway, in the time we’ve been together, he’s seen me in just about every undignified situation possible. Giving birth takes away all your dignity and, since my diagnosis, any shred of mystique I might have had left has well and truly disappeared. Amongst other things, he’s held my hair back while I’ve vomited, seen me wigless and bald, and had to unblock the shower when what used to be my hair formed a makeshift plug on more than one occasion. So even if he had sat watching me dribbling into my pillow, it wouldn’t have been the least attractive side of me he’d ever seen.

‘All right, you weren’t slobbering, but you did look peaceful, and I didn’t want to wake you before I absolutely had to. I was going to give you another half an hour, then I’d have had to give you a gentle shake.’

‘Have we got plans again today?’ I pulled myself more upright against the back of the bed, testing to see how badly I ached. We’d only been at the wildlife park for an hour, and spent another one at the church, but there’d been travelling in between and the night before it had felt like I’d run a marathon in lead-lined boots. Thankfully I didn’t feel too bad, but then I had been asleep for eighteen hours, so perhaps that explained it.

‘I told you, it’s a busy weekend. Holly and I wanted to fit in all the things the kids mentioned wanting to do, into an action-packed couple of days, and she also had the idea of squeezing the graduation in because…’ He hesitated for a moment and we both knew what should have come next, but it was obvious he still couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud: because you won’t be here when they eventually do graduate . ‘Because it’s a big moment, both of the kids moving up to the next stage of their education, and what could be cuter than Stan in that little cap and gown?’

‘Nothing,’ I agreed, the memory making me smile, despite the fact that Tom’s hesitation had brought reality right back to the fore. It was why I couldn’t stop myself from asking a question I already knew the answer to. ‘It’s been brilliant, but why did you decide to do so much in one weekend?’

‘Because I wanted it to be the best, most memorable weekend any of us have ever had.’ His response was so quick it was almost like it was rehearsed, and I suspect it was. I wasn’t going to push him, though. I didn’t really want a truthful answer and we both knew the real reason: time was running out fast.

‘It’s been the best weekend already.’ I reached out a hand towards him. ‘I can’t even imagine what today has in store.’

‘A Disney marathon, all the popcorn we can eat, and a cuddle on the sofa.’ That twinkle in his eyes was back and I gave him a suspicious look.

‘Sounds perfect, but is it really as simple as that?’

‘You’ll just have to wait and see! Everything that happened yesterday was down to Holly, but today was all planned by me.’

Most of Flo’s birthday presents, and everything she’s spent her birthday money on since, have been Lilo and Stitch themed. Her love of the films and the TV series is one of the main reasons she’s been desperate to visit Disney. Stan loves the films too, so I understand why Tom thought the next best thing was a marathon binge-watch of all things Lilo and Stitch . Just as he’d promised, the five of us had been squashed up together on the huge corner sofa that dominates our lounge. The children were wedged between me and Tom, with Holly on my other side.

‘This is my favourite bit, Mummy, watch!’ Flo nudged me as Stitch started to get up to some particularly naughty escapades and I played along about how exciting it was, as if I hadn’t already seen it at least ten times before.

‘I might order some pizza.’ Tom stood up as he spoke, and Holly followed suit.

‘And I need to empty the dishwasher,’ she said by way of explanation. I should probably have twigged then that something else was going on, but I didn’t. I just mumbled an okay and snuggled back down with the kids.

It must have been less than ten minutes later when the door suddenly burst open and in walked Lilo and Stitch. The costumes were incredible, no online fancy dress store this time around. They were the quality of costumes I’d have expected to see the characters wearing if we were in Disney itself, and the shrieks of delight let out by the children could probably have been heard in Paris.

‘Mummy, it’s Stitch! And Lilo!’ Flo was up on her feet in an instant, her brother right behind her, and within moments they were hugging the characters, before dancing on the spot in excitement. Their enthusiasm for our ‘guests’ reached fever pitch by the time Lilo and Stitch performed the ‘He Mele No Lilo’ dance from the movie, complete with grass skirts. I have no idea when Tom and Holly learnt to do all of that, or where they got the costumes from. What I do know is that every moment was magical for Flo and Stan, and that they had no clue their aunt and father were the ones wearing the costumes.

When Lilo announced that she and Stitch had to leave, the children’s pleas for one more dance were accommodated, and then there was a prolonged round of hugs, before they finally accepted that Lilo and Stitch had to go.

‘Do you still think yesterday was the best day ever?’ I asked Flo when her excitement levels had finally dampened down enough for her to form a coherent sentence.

‘I don’t know, I did love the penguins and getting my special certificate.’ She wrinkled her nose, trying to solve what was clearly a dilemma. ‘But Lilo and Stitch are my favourite. Can they both be the best days?’

‘Absolutely, sweetheart,’ I nodded, pulling her and Stan closer towards me, just as their father came back into the room.

‘The pizza’s on its way.’ Tom’s eyes met mine and I mouthed the words I love you , before he mouthed I love you too in response.

‘Daddy, Daddy! Lilo and Stitch were here! They came in and they were dancing and everything. Just like on the videos we watched on YouTube from Disneyland.’

‘Are you sure?’ Tom furrowed his brow, doing his best doubtful dad impression.

‘They were, Daddy.’ Stan jumped up in support of his sister.

‘What’s this I’m hearing about a visit from Lilo and Stitch?’ Holly came into the room and I blew her a kiss. My husband and my sister had worked a small miracle, somehow cramming so much into a weekend that it felt as though we’d made years’ worth of memories.

‘The kids reckon Lilo and Stich came to visit while I was ordering the pizza, and you were emptying the dishwasher, but I can’t believe it, can you?’ Tom looked at Holly, who shrugged in response.

‘We can always check the nanny cam.’ She gestured towards the camera that was set up when I first got ill, so that she or Tom can keep an eye on me even when they aren’t in the room. I resented it at first as another sign of my fading health, but I’d been grateful for the peace of mind it’s given us all as things continue to progress. ‘It will have recorded everything that went on while we weren’t here.’

It was Holly who blew me a kiss this time, and I knew exactly why she wanted the footage. It’s another thing they’ll be able to show Flo and Stan later, to remind them of a perfect weekend and to bring back precious memories of them with their mum, when I’m no longer here. I blew her another kiss in response to her suggestion, not sure if she had any idea just what she’d done. But I’ll make sure I’ll tell her and Tom just how grateful I am, as soon as the kids aren’t around to eavesdrop. They pulled off the perfect weekend, which will be etched on Stan and Flo’s memories for the rest of their lives. Even if there’s a chance of them forgetting, because they’re so young, the videos and photos will prompt them to remember a magical time, when I was still right here at the centre of their lives, loving every moment of being their mum.

The last thirty-six hours have taken it out of me, and I’ve had to leave Tom and Holly to put the children to bed, while I crash out on the sofa, until I can summon the energy to get upstairs too. Despite the exhaustion, I wouldn’t have swapped it for the world. Even though I know the end is coming fast, I feel incredibly grateful to have experienced true love, and to have shared my life with the four most amazing people I’ve ever known.