Page 4 of A Mind of Her Own

After they were well out to sea, and she could hardly see the distant outline of the shore, she went to her cabin to hang up her clothes for the trip. A maid and a steward were assigned to her, and offered to unpack her trunks, but she thanked them and said she’d do it herself. She had no fancy gowns to wear for the mandatory evening dress in the Cabin Class dining room. She had two sober black dresses of her own to wear, one of her mother’s and one of her grandmother’s. There were normally two sittings at every meal, but only one in wartime. There were previously more passengers, and some of the grander staterooms weren’t in use. People made fewer crossings than they would in peacetime. No one crossed the Atlantic now unless they had an urgent reason to do so.

But in spite of the war, the SS La Touraine had an opulent interior and splendid grand staircase, an elegant dining saloon, and deluxe cabins in the modified Cabin Class. The ship had been very popular before the war, and was one of the few ships still sailing as a luxury passenger ship. She was extremely comfortable.

There were scheduled activities on board, and a swimming pool, which Alex intended to use. She liked to swim, and it had been a long time since she’d had the chance to. There was a card room, where men went to drink and smoke cigars, but it wasn’t open to women. And there would be dancing on one or two nights in the middle of the trip. Some of the stewards formed the band during the war. Alex was listed simply on the passenger list as Miss Alexandra Bouvier. Her parents had always been diligent about keeping a current passport for her, in case her mother had to go to Illinois for an emergency and take Alex with her. Her passport was up-to-date, so she hadn’t had that to worry about while getting ready for the trip. She didn’t have dual nationality, since her mother had taken French citizenship when she married Tristan. But since France and America were allies in the war, she would have no problem entering the United States in New York. She noticed several American names on the passenger list, one of them a family of five. She hadn’t noticed any young children on the deck when they set sail.

She had packed the only two formal dresses she had, and one of her grandmother’s from before the war. It almost fit her, although Marie-Thérèse was taller than she was, but she had tried it, and if she tucked it up a bit under the belt, it worked. It was a pale gray satin and looked serious and elegant. Her grandmother had worn it to the opera when her husband was alive. And Alex would have to wear her own evening dresses more than once. She didn’t have the wardrobe for a luxurious trip, but it mattered less during the war. No one was worried about their clothes, only their safety on the ship. They all knew what the risks were from German warships and U-boats they might encounter on the way. The captain had been artful at averting disaster before, and had a stellar reputation for speed as well as safety. Alex was well aware that travel by sea could be dangerous even in peacetime. It was almost exactly six years since the Titanic had sunk on her maiden voyage. But the risks were far more acute in wartime.

At five o’clock that afternoon, an hour after tea was served in the main saloon, there was a lifeboat drill and it was mandatory for all passengers to participate. There was a notice in Alex’s cabin about it, with the number and location of her lifeboat station. It wasn’t far from her room. She appeared in a long gray wool skirt to her ankles, and a beaver jacket of her grandmother’s, wearing her life jacket over it as directed, and a black beret she used to wear to school. Her blond curls peeked out from under it, and she had pulled her hair back loosely, to avoid having it blow around in the brisk wind at sea.

There were about forty people already waiting at her lifeboat station when she arrived. Most of them were men traveling alone, and a few couples, one of them with two teenage girls who looked similar and were obviously sisters, and a tall young man in a suit and topcoat who was talking to the couple. He looked exactly like the older man, and was obviously their son, and she realized they were the family of five she had seen on the roster. They were assigned to the same lifeboat she was. Each lifeboat held fifty people. Most of the men were speaking French to each other, except for two Americans, and the family were speaking English, with an American accent. The two girls looked nervous, standing near the lifeboat, and Alex thought their mother was very pretty, with dark hair in a sleek bun, with an enormous hat and veil and a fur coat, although it was April. They were very well dressed, and the girls were well behaved. Their older brother noticed Alex as soon as she joined the group, and he smiled at her.

She looked serious during the brief drill, as they were told what to do if the alarm sounded. They were to make their way to their lifeboat station immediately, wearing their life jackets, as they were now. Everyone listened carefully, and were well aware of the dangers they could face on the journey. One of the young girls said she hoped they didn’t hit an iceberg like the Titanic . The officer assigned to their station reassured her, and said that there would be none on the route they were taking, and that the La Touraine was a very sound ship. But they all knew there would be U-boats and didn’t say it.

After the drill, Alex didn’t linger to talk to the other passengers. She went directly back to her cabin to dress for dinner. She had brought her journal with her. She hadn’t had time to write in it for weeks, and her entries had been sporadic since the death of her father. But she would have time during the trip, and intended to write daily again, as she had before.

She lay on her bed for half an hour, making an entry to describe the ship, and the lifeboat drill, and then she put it on the bed table, and ran a bath. The maid appeared at her door to offer assistance, and Alex said she was fine and didn’t need help. The maid reminded her to ring the bell if she needed her, and Alex relaxed in the bath for a little while, thinking of all the changes that had occurred in her life in the past few weeks. She still couldn’t believe that her grandmother was gone. It would have been fun to take the trip with her, instead of alone. Before the war, they had taken short trips together, to Rome and Venice, Madrid, the Alps in Switzerland, and London. They’d had a wonderful time seeing the sights and staying at good hotels, going to the theater and the opera and museums, exploring the cities they visited.

The ship had prided itself on its fine cuisine before the war, and had simplified the menus since the war began, but the food was still excellent. Alex’s dress was black and very plain, and she had worn her mother’s pearls with it. The simplicity of the gown enhanced her natural beauty, and several male heads turned when she walked into the room and sat down at her table. She was by far the youngest woman traveling.

Alex ate dinner at a table alone in the elegant dining saloon, and glanced at the other passengers, wondering who they were and why they were traveling. She saw the American family at a table on the other side of the room. They were laughing and talking, and it reminded her of her dinners with her parents before the war. It seemed like an eternity ago. It was hard to believe it was only four years since the war had begun. Everything in her life had changed.

After dinner, she took a walk on the deck, her hair flying in the breeze. She stood on the aft deck for a moment, watching the wake behind them. It was peaceful being on the ship and looking out to sea. There were blackout shades on all the portholes so as not to attract the attention of enemy ships. All the important art had been removed from the ship, to prevent its loss if the ship went down. Alex enjoyed standing alone in the dark, thinking. She felt peaceful for the first time in a long time. She hadn’t been on a ship since her last trip to Illinois with her mother when she was six. After that, her grandfather had visited them. She barely remembered that trip now, twelve years ago. She had loved the trip and all the activities there were for children. She had gone to visit the kennel and played with the dogs. She didn’t know if there were any on board now. She smiled thinking about it, remembering her mother.

She stood there for a long time, and then went back to her cabin, got ready for bed, and wrote in her journal. It was nice having this time and space between two worlds, her old life and her new one, without having to adjust to anything just yet. The boat trip gave her breathing space before she did. She was sure that life with her grandfather was going to be very different from her familiar cocoon with her grandmother. She had felt so safe there, and wondered if she ever would again.

She went swimming on the second day of the crossing, and afterward explored the boat some more. She had lunch in her cabin, and dinner at the same table in her other evening gown, which was pale pink satin and molded her figure. It made her look almost luminous and was more flattering than the sober black one she’d worn the night before. She noticed the American family watching her as she left the dining room, and she smiled. The young man smiled back, and his sisters laughed at him. Alex stood at the railing on the darkened deck again after dinner, lost in thought, and was startled by a male voice behind her. She had been a million miles away, thinking of her parents.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. My sisters and I were wondering if you’d like to play cards with us.” When she turned around, he was smiling, it was the older son from the family of five. He was even more handsome close up, in a dinner jacket. He was tall, with dark hair and broad shoulders, and blue eyes. And neither of them realized it as they stood next to each other, but they made a handsome couple. They were a striking example of beautiful young people.

“That sounds very nice.” She smiled at him. “I saw all of you at the lifeboat drill yesterday.” And he had been watching her ever since.

“I saw you too. You’re brave to be traveling alone.” She had no other choice.

“It’s not as scary as I thought it would be,” she said honestly, and suddenly seemed very young. It made him want to protect her. “Everything seems very well organized…if…something happens.” He nodded agreement.

“Are you going home? Do you live in New York?” he asked her. He had noticed the trace of a French accent, but barely.

“No…yes…” she said, confused for a moment. “I’m going to visit my grandfather in Illinois. I’m going to live with him,” she added. “Do you live in Paris or the States?” she asked him.

“I’ve been in France for the last eight years. My father was the American ambassador to France. We were supposed to go home four years ago, but we kind of got stuck here once war broke out in Europe. So my father stayed for another tour of duty. They’re finally bringing us home, and the Consul General at the embassy will be the acting ambassador. He’s married to a Frenchwoman and has children there so he wanted to stay. My parents wanted to go home, at least until the war ends. My father’s been reassigned to Washington.” America had been in the war for exactly a year by then. “I’ve been exempted from military service because my father is a diplomat. I go to Yale,” he said, as he stood at the rail next to her. She knew that Yale was an important university, and was impressed.

“That must be exciting.”

“I like it a lot. My father went there too, and my grandfather.”

“My grandfather went to Princeton. It’s a shame that none of those schools take women. I would love to go to a school like that.”

“Women have some pretty good options these days too,” he said. “Barnard, Cornell, NYU, Penn. The University of Chicago takes women. I know two girls who go there. Are you planning to apply?” He liked talking to her, and she was obviously very bright.

“I am. I just don’t know to where yet, or when. I have to talk to my grandfather about it.”

“I’m Phillip Baxter, by the way,” he smiled at her.

“Alexandra Bouvier.”

“You speak amazing English,” he complimented her.

“My mother was American,” she said, and he noticed her past tense immediately, and guessed it was why she was going to live with her grandfather.

They went to find his sisters and found them in the First Class lounge. They had two decks of cards and were waiting for his return. He introduced them to Alex as Georgia and Bethany, or Beth. The ambassador and his wife had retired by then, and the young people were entertaining themselves, and happy to have Alex join them. Georgia was a year younger than Alex, and Beth was sixteen, but looked considerably older. They were wearing beautiful gowns made for them in Paris. Georgia had dark hair like her brother, and Beth had red hair and green eyes. They were both in high school, and going to boarding school in the fall. They were looking forward to it. Phillip didn’t mention it to Alex, but his father had presidential aspirations and he wanted to get to the States to get into the fray of candidates, before he missed his chance. Phillip was twenty-one, had political aspirations himself, and was going to be a senior at Yale in the fall.

—

Alex had a fun evening with them. The three Baxters teased each other mercilessly, and obviously got along, and Alex won three hands of gin. They played for a nickel a game and she won fifteen cents, amidst gales of laughter from the girls, and protests from their brother.

They invited her to join them for lunch the next day and they agreed to meet at the pool in the morning.

—

The following morning, the four of them swam until nearly lunchtime, and then went to dress for lunch. Phillip walked Alex back to her cabin.

“Thank you for putting up with my sisters. They get a little crazy sometimes.” Beth had pushed Alex into the pool several times, but she was a willing victim and a good swimmer.

“I had fun with them,” and she wasn’t much older, but they seemed more carefree and exuberant. Alex was more subdued now than she had been before she lost her parents and grandmother.

“It’s going to be weird living in the States again,” he said to her. “I was thirteen when we moved to Paris.” She knew he was twenty-one now, and he seemed very sophisticated for his age. “It’s been nice having both, since I started Yale. And my father doesn’t think he’ll be reassigned until after the war. I hope he gets sent back to Europe.”

“It’s going to be strange for me too in Illinois. I haven’t been there since I was six. I don’t know when I’ll come back to France.”

“Are your parents still there?” he asked her gently. He had a feeling they weren’t, from her reference to her mother the night before.

“No, they died in the war,” she said quietly. “My mother three years ago, and my father a year and a half ago. My grandmother just died of the Spanish flu. So my mother’s father invited me to come to Illinois. He owns a newspaper in a tiny town. I liked it there when I was a little kid. I don’t know what it will be like now.” Phillip nodded. The war had caused changes in everyone’s life, but he was sorry about hers. He couldn’t imagine losing his whole family.

“I’m sorry about your parents and grandmother.”

“Me too. But I’m lucky I have somewhere to go. My grandfather thought it was too dangerous for me to stay in Paris alone, with the war on.”

“He’s right. My father was worried about my mother and the girls being there too. And now with the Spanish flu, although it’s in the States now too.”

“I caught it from my grandmother, but I only had it for a few days and it wasn’t too bad. My grandmother got pneumonia from it, and it killed her in six days.” Phillip looked serious as he listened to her.

“I’m glad I met you, Alex.”

“Me too,” she said with a smile. The trip was going to be a lot more fun because of the Baxters, having young people her age on board.

Lunch with Phillip and his sisters was lively and playful. Their parents were good-natured and warm. The ambassador was very dignified, and Phillip’s mother was very kind to Alex. He had explained her circumstances to his parents before lunch, and they felt deep compassion for her, to have lost almost her entire family at such a young age.

After lunch, Alex spent the afternoon reading. She had taken an American novel out of the ship’s library. She had dinner alone, and joined Phillip and his sisters again after dinner. Georgia was winning when an alarm sounded, and Alex tried to remember which of the alarms it was. Phillip’s sisters looked instantly panicked.

“Is that lifeboat stations?” Alex asked Phillip, as she set down her cards.

“No, it’s the alert, which means they’ve seen something though they aren’t sure yet what it is, but we need to be ready for action once they know. We should probably change into warmer clothes,” he said sensibly and calmly. All three girls were wearing evening gowns, which would be chilly and impractical if they had to get into the lifeboats. They headed rapidly toward their cabins, which were on the same deck as Alex’s, and met the older Baxters on the way.

They regrouped on deck after they changed, and stood looking at the water and the horizon and saw nothing, and an hour later, the all-clear sounded. It had been unnerving, and the captain and crew were still watching the ocean closely. They had had a message from a British ship that they thought there was a U-boat in the area, but it never materialized.

Georgia and Beth went back to their cabin then, as it was late, and Phillip and Alex stayed on deck and sat in two deck chairs with blankets over them, talking. He was impressed by how calm she was. Unlike his sisters, she had never panicked. She’d been through a lot in the last few years, and kept a cool head in a crisis. And she had already made her peace with the possibility that the ship could be attacked and they might never make it to New York. She was philosophical about it, more so than he realized.

“You weren’t scared at all,” he commented.

“I was. But there’s nothing we could do about it. If we’re meant to get to New York, we will.” She still couldn’t envision her life in Illinois, it seemed so unreal to her. Suddenly she was starting a whole new life in another country. She couldn’t quite get her mind around it.

“I hope I can see you sometime when we’re both back in the States,” he said. Alex was strikingly beautiful, and incredibly bright, and she seemed amazingly brave to him. “Do you think you’ll ever come to New York? I could come down from Connecticut. Yale is in New Haven. Or you could come to Washington during school vacations—it’s an interesting city.” It sounded nice to her too, but probably unlikely.

“My grandfather never leaves his small town in Illinois. He’s afraid some huge news story will happen and he’ll miss it. And I don’t know where I’ll be going to college.”

“Barnard at Columbia is an excellent women’s college,” he said and she nodded.

“I’ve read about it. My grandfather said we’d talk about my education. My mother and I stopped in New York on our way to Chicago, but I don’t really remember it. I was more interested in the train then.” She smiled and he looked at her in the dark, in the light of the moon. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t want to shock her. They had just met the day before. But they had another five days of the trip left. He had never met anyone like her. She was so strong and direct, and gentle at the same time. She had very definite ideas about all the opportunities women should have, but she wasn’t angry or bitter about the fact that they didn’t, unlike some other girls he had met who were strident and even hostile about the liberties they wanted to fight for. He liked the way Alex presented her ideas, which was far more convincing than anger or insults. She just stated facts, and suggested ways it could be different.

They sat and talked for over an hour, and then he walked her back to her cabin. She slipped in quickly and didn’t linger—she didn’t want to start something she didn’t know how to handle, and there had been no important boys in her life since Julien was killed at the Somme a year and a half before. She hadn’t mentioned him to Phillip. It didn’t seem appropriate. Telling him about her family was different. But Julien’s death had affected her deeply too. For a brief time, she had imagined a future with him, it seemed so real, and then he was gone. It seemed as though everyone she loved died, and she took their ghosts with her wherever she went now. Phillip was so present and alive, traveling on the ship with her. He was three years older than she was, and seemed much more sophisticated than Julien had at seventeen. He was a schoolboy, and Phillip was more of a man, which made Alex more cautious with him. She was a well-brought-up young girl who had been protected, and she was fully aware that she wasn’t worldly in the ways of men. They were a mystery to her. She had led a very sheltered life until then. She was intellectually mature and innocent at the same time, it was a very appealing combination.

—

Alex and Phillip spent time together every day. The morning swim with his sisters became a ritual, and was always fun. He induced his parents to invite her to at least one meal a day. On the third night, the most formal night of the trip, he danced with her, to the small orchestra formed by crew members, and she wore the pink dress of her mother’s that made her even more beautiful and appealing, and look younger than she did in her other gowns, which were black and more serious.

Alex and Phillip went for long walks around the ship, and lay on deck chairs in the moonlight and talked for hours. There were three more alarms before the trip ended, which created considerable tension among the passengers. One night they had to get into the lifeboats and wait, while a submarine followed them, but it never attacked, and it seemed miraculous that they were spared. And on the last night before they docked in New York the next morning, Phillip got up the courage to kiss her. It was long and tender, and more searing than Julien’s more innocent ones, and Alex felt a stirring within her. He was incredibly handsome and she was powerfully attracted to him, but she didn’t see how their paths would cross again, with him at Yale and her in Beardstown. Maybe if she wound up at a college in New York, they could see each other again, but who could predict when that would be, or where their hearts and minds would be then. She knew that you couldn’t count on anything during a war, and there was an unreal intensity to their emotions, hanging in space between two worlds for a week, whispering in the moonlight, flirting with danger, with death at their heels at any moment if the ship was attacked. Alex knew that if she fell in love she wanted it to be real, not illusion or fantasy. She wanted what her parents had had, a strong alliance of two like-minded people with the same goals, willing to risk their lives for what they believed in, while doing good for their fellow man. Her parents were her ideal of what she wanted to have and be one day. And her grandmother’s more traditional views had affected her too. She kissed Phillip that night with tender feelings and growing passion, but she let it go no further and she didn’t allow herself to be swept away on an unrealistic wave of hope for the future. She was a sensible young woman, not given to romantic illusions. And she had faced major losses at an early age, and was mature beyond her years.

They watched as the ship came into the harbor together on the last morning, and she cried when she saw the Statue of Liberty, with Phillip’s arm around her, and he kissed her for a last time before they left each other to get ready to disembark. They stood in the same area on the dock, under a huge sign with the letter B, for both Bouvier and Baxter, as they waited for Customs and Immigration with all their belongings. Her grandfather had arranged for both a car and a truck to pick her up with her bags and boxes, and she was staying at the Hotel Martha Washington that night, a hotel for genteel women and businesswomen, where he knew she would be safe. Even the employees were women, so it was a safe place for the female guests.

Alex knew that Phillip was going back to New Haven that night to finish the term at Yale, after his spring break. And his parents and sisters were taking the train to Washington, D.C., to their new home there, a house the ambassador had rented in Georgetown, which they had yet to discover. Phillip’s sisters were excited about it.

Alex’s path and the Baxters’ were about to go separate ways. She hoped she would see Phillip again. He had said that maybe he would come to Chicago one day, which was a five- or six-hour drive from Beardstown. The Baxters had made the trip a wonderful week for her, instead of a painful one, being slowly torn away from her homeland and everyone she had lost there. Instead, it was a warm experience, shared with good people, and a handsome and worthy young man who valued and respected her and believed he was falling in love with her. Alex sensed that it would take a huge effort to defy the geography involved and have a real relationship with him, but anything was possible, and time would tell what it had meant to both of them. In the meantime, she was grateful to him for the week they had spent together.

She hugged the girls before she left, exchanged a long warm look with Phillip, and waved as she drove away in the car her grandfather had sent, with the truck behind them, laden with all her possessions. The porters at the dock had put everything on the truck. She waved until they left the docks, and headed toward the downtown hotel on East Thirtieth Street between Park and Madison Avenues, in Murray Hill, where she had a reservation at the small, proper women’s hotel. She had never been to a women’s hotel before. It was a new experience for her. It was only noon by then and she had until three o’clock the next day to discover New York on her own. As she looked around, she could feel the electricity of the city, the horses, the carriages, the people, the cars and buses, the sounds of voices and horns. It was completely different from Paris, which was ancient and beautiful, and a symbol of previous history. Everything she saw in New York was modern and new, and different from anything she’d ever seen. She knew within minutes that she wanted to come back here one day. But for now, the car was at her disposal for the day, and she couldn’t wait to explore the city. She had a day and night to do it, and was excited to get started, as she ran into the hotel to check in, and drop off all her trunks and boxes. They were going to keep them in a storage area for her until she left the next day.

She was back twenty minutes later, after checking into her very sober-looking room, decorated in dark green. She could imagine ancient dowagers staying there, which was usually the case, but she knew she would be safe. And she hopped back into the car and instructed the driver.

“Please show me everything I should see in one day,” she said matter-of-factly, and the driver laughed.

“More like a week, or a month, miss.”

“I only have one day and night. Please show me everything you can.”

“Right,” he said with a grin, and pulled away from the curb into the traffic with a honk of his horn, as Alex looked out the window with delight, and the sounds and sights of New York engulfed her as they headed uptown.