Page 18

James

“ I ’m not mad that you’re having sex,” the words are awkward as they leave my mouth, and I cringe just as much as Mia does. “But I am…I don’t know…sad, I guess, that you didn’t even tell us…uh…me that you were dating anyone. That you…that you felt like you needed to lie and sneak around…”

Like I have been with Ev.

Guilt prickles up the back of my neck and my stomach churns.

I haven’t actually been lying to her, though, have I? I had every intention of telling her about Ev and me. I did. I even told him so on Tuesday. Fuck, that feels like forever ago, despite today being only Friday.

Mia bites her bottom lip and looks away with a despondent shrug. “It was just dating. Nothing serious.”

“Nothing—” I cut off my high-pitched, incredulous echo with a snap of my jaws together. I try to push down the frustrated anger, to see things from her perspective. “Sweetheart,” I manage to bring my tone back down to something softer, more understanding, “sex is always serious.”

She scoffs. “So you’re serious with all your Tinder dates?”

“I don’t sleep with all…No. No, you know what? I’ve taken every single sexual encounter in my life seriously, Mia.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t taking sex seriously,” she snaps back at me. “But I was just dating him. I wasn’t…It was just supposed to be a high school fling. I wasn’t, like, planning marriage or…” she trails off, cringing again.

“Or kids?”

Damn it. That came out too harsh, too.

“It’s not like you planned me.”

Ouch. True, but…ouch.

“Mia…”

“Did you hate me? Resent me? Because I will resent this kid…if there is a kid. It’s not…it’s not fair. ”

My heart hurts. All through her childhood, anytime she’s been hurting, I’ve felt it. I’ve always taken on her pain in my own way, feeling guilty for not being able to prevent the skinned knees or broken bones or whatever viral illnesses she picked up at school. I know I couldn’t have stopped any of it, just like I really can’t stop her from feeling future pain, physically or emotionally.

“No, sweetheart,” I answer her through a throat thickened by empathetic tears, “but I chose you. I chose to raise you by myself. If…if there is a choice to be made, you don’t have to make the same choice I did.”

“Really? You wouldn’t judge me if…”

“Not a chance.” Whatever frustration I was feeling has melted away and I pull her in for another hug. “I’ve got your back, Mimi. No matter what you choose to do. Every single option has its pros and cons. None of them are easy, and nobody but you can decide which choice is the right choice for you right now.”

“A-and if I kept it? If…if I had to leave Winchester and go back to a normal high school…you wouldn’t hate me for wasting all that money?”

“I wouldn’t ever hate you for anything. And it’s not a waste. Even if we pull you out of that school first thing Monday morning, you’ve still had six months of advanced drama classes and experience that you wouldn’t have had at your old school. That’s still worth it.”

She flings her arms around me for the umpteenth time today and buries her face in the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

I go to tell her that the only thing she should be sorry for is lying to me, but I can’t even bring myself to do that. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, Mimi. You’re growing up, and sometimes life stuff like this happens, even when you’re being careful.”

“…and if I wasn’t?”

I close my eyes and sigh. Eighteen-year-old me wasn’t always careful, either. “You’re only human.”

“You’re the best, Dad.” It’s not said with her usual cheek. It’s spoken softly and with so many levels of emotion that I want to cry. Maybe later, when I don’t have to be strong for her, I’ll let go.

“Just remember,” I tell her, trying to cheer us both up even though things are going to be strained until we know exactly what the next steps need to be, “when you’re receiving your first Logie or, better yet, your first Oscar, I’m the first person you thank in that acceptance speech. None of this ‘I want to thank the Academy’ crap.”

Her laughter, however short and weak and watery it might be, is like music to my ears. “You’re such a dork.”

“Yeah,” I agree, “but you love me.”

***

When Ev lets himself in in the early hours of the evening, he finds me and Mia pretty much exactly where he left us, only there’s a spread of takeaway Thai food on the coffee table and we’re watching Mean Girls together on the big screen TV I splurged on last Christmas.

There’s a longing in his gaze and I know it’s because he wants to bend down and kiss my lips. I wish that he could as well, but now doesn’t seem like the right moment to announce our relationship. Not with the stress of everything else going on.

Instead of giving in to temptation, he drops down on Mia’s other side and reaches for the container of Penang curry, picking up the clean fork we grabbed with him in mind. He gives Mia a little nudge and a warm smile before digging in to his meal, not at all bothered that we obviously ate an early dinner before he got home.

“So,” he says right as Kady is breaking up pieces of her crown on the screen, “I was thinking that maybe we should, uh, think about therapy, or something?”

“Why?” Mia asks, only for Ev to raise both his eyebrows.

“Really?” he asks, sounding mildly incredulous. “You’re not, like, completely traumatised by…everything?”

She gives me a look that asks ‘is he for real?’ before turning back to Ev. “I mean…not any more than you’d expect?” She reaches out and pats my knee. “Dad and I had a long, emotional talk about it all and we’re good. I’m good. I mean, I’m still scared, but…I’m okay. As okay as I can be until I know one way or the other. So, yeah, maybe I’m in limbo? But…it’s okay.”

Ev chews on his mouthful of food, his eyebrows drawing together. He’s wearing his glasses again and, coupled with his serious expression, he looks sexy as fuck.

Focus, James.

“What about the sneaking around and the not telling the whole truth about where you were going? You don’t think we need to maybe talk to someone about why you did that?”

Mia sits up a little straighter, frowning to match Ev’s expression. “No offence, Evvy,” she says, and I brace myself for impact because any time a teenaged girl says ‘no offence’, she definitely means ‘take all the offence’, “but you’re not my parent. You’re not even really my stepparent. You’re just faking it. You’re just my godfather and that’s…well, that’s just a title, isn’t it?”

Ev looks crushed. Then he turns his soulful dark eyes on me. “Are we just faking it, Jay?”

Oh boy, that’s a loaded question.

The answer should be easy. No. Nothing about my feelings are fake. Nothing about our relationship is fake. But the fact that we’ve kept it from Mia because I was too scared to say anything earlier…

“No.” I can’t be that scared little boy anymore. And after everything I said to Mia about sneaking around, I can’t continue to be a hypocrite, either.

Maybe Ev’s right. Maybe we should get some counselling.

Mia twists her neck to face me again. “What?” She frowns at me, then looks back at Ev, then back at me again. “What does that mean?”

“I…” I start, but struggle to find the words at first. “Ev and I…”

Her eyes, so much like mine, widen and her jaw drops. “Wait…”

“We were going to tell you. Today, actually,” I fish my phone from my pocket, wanting to prove it to her, but she’s shaking her head and pushing to her feet, moving to pace in front of the TV like a caged animal.

Her accusatory index finger swishes in the air, directed at Ev, then me, then Ev. “You two are…?”

“Dating?” I suggest.

“In love?” Ev says at the same time.

My heart thumps in my chest.

“ In love? ” Mia sounds mildly hysterical. She flings her hands into the air, every bit the dramatic sixteen-year-old girl. “How long has this been going on?”

“All our lives?” Ev answers, equally dramatic.

I glare at him. “That’s not— no. You know that’s not what she meant.” I look to Mia, pleading for her to understand. “It’s, uh, it’s been official for about a month,” I tell her.

Being the smart girl she is, she narrows her gaze. “And before that? It was unofficial for how long?”

“I don’t think that’s any—” Ev starts defensively, and I cut him off.

“A couple of months.” The look I send him is equal parts apology and daring him to argue with me for finally being honest with her. He sits back and shuts his pretty mouth. I turn to Mia again. “I was…confused, Mia. And scared of admitting my feelings for him. And…and afraid that telling you would change things. Between you and me, I mean. And that was wrong of me, I know. It hurt him, and it’s upsetting you, and it was unfair on me, too. And that’s all on me, okay? I know it is.”

“Baby…” Ev reaches for me and Mia makes a strangled sound.

“That’s…that’s so weird ,” she declares. Then, as if hearing herself, rushes to add, “Not…not that you’re bi. Or gay? Or…no. Not that. Just…you guys aren’t like that with each other. You don’t do pet names and stuff. You’re not…you’re best friends, not…” she waves her hand over us, where we’ve given up the pretence and Ev has settled in at my side, his arm wrapped around me. “Whatever the hell this is.”

“In love,” Ev repeats himself, gentler this time. Affectionate. “I love your dad, Mimi. Always have. But, yeah, the feeling is more romantic now, I guess. Best friends with—”

“Oh, god, don’t say benefits,” she covers her face with her hands.

Ev snorts. “I was going to say romance on the side, actually.” Then, because he’s still a shit-stirrer, says, “We have you to thank for this, really. If you hadn’t come up with the fake engagement thing, we probably never would’ve realised how we felt about each other.”

“This is insane,” Mia murmurs towards the ceiling. Then she looks at me. “How do you go your entire adult life without knowing you’re into your best friend?”

“Oh,” Ev grins as he rushes to answer her, speaking over the top of my protests, “he admitted he had a crush on me when we were kids. But I was oblivious, and he still liked girls, so apparently he just pretended it wasn’t a thing and that was that.” He shakes his head and leans forward, as if delivering a secret that I can’t hear. “Your dad’s a bit of an idiot, really.”

“You’re both idiots,” she declares and then sits down heavily on the armchair positioned sideways to the couch. “Seriously. What the actual fuck?”

“Language,” I scold, but Ev laughs.

“Yeah, well, I feel a bit dumb for taking all this time to cotton on,” he tells her easily. “We’ve always been closer and more touchy-feely than most best mates. I just figured it was ’cause we’re enlightened and comfortable within ourselves. But I guess it was more that we were always meant to be together.”

She makes an exaggerated gagging sound. “That is disgustingly sweet.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Ev sounds a little too proud of that fact.

I clear my throat and hold out my hand, palm facing upwards. “Forgive me, sweetheart,” I all but beg, “I should have said something sooner. Of all people, we shouldn’t have kept it from you for as long as we did. I just…coming out is…well, it’s confronting. I’m in my mid-thirties. Shouldn’t I have known myself better than this?” Ev tenses and I shake my head. “Don’t answer that. I just…I’m sorry, Mimi. We should have told you weeks ago.”

For a moment, I’m almost afraid that she’s going to reject my apology, but she rolls her eyes and takes my hand, squeezing it tightly. “You’re still an idiot,” she says, and her lips twitch, “but you’ve got my back no matter what, and I’ve got yours, too.”

The urge to cry hits me all over again.

This time, I give in to it.