Page 53 of A Lady’s Rules for Seaside Romance (The Harp & Thistle #3)

“I…” He looked off to the side. “In truth, it was the other night, but that was a fluke. Otherwise, I never—”

“I see.” An excuse. She had heard many of them in her life. “Do you think you would be more prone to smiling and laughing if we were married?”

Victor stammered. “You-You think I should laugh more? Anne, while you may win a laugh or smile from me on occasion, I have never been and will never be a jovial man.”

She inhaled through her nose. That was true, and she supposed she couldn’t count that one against him. “What about gambling? I know you used to place wagers on fights when Dantes was a pugilist. But do you have a secret gambling habit?”

Victor paled at this. “Why all the questions?”

A sick feeling began to rise up her throat. “Are you unable to answer? I don’t think it would surprise you to learn these questions are rooted in my experience with Bernard.”

Victor shut his eyes tightly and took in a deep breath. “I…I often place wagers on horse races. But you must understand—”

“You often place wagers on horses?” Anne frowned deeply at this. “That was Bernard’s favorite way of wasting our money! Curious that you’ve never mentioned this to me before.”

“Yes, but—”

“Were you keeping it a secret?”

“No!”

“How long have you been doing that? Is it a newly acquired interest of yours?” She hoped with all hope that it was.

For she could simply not tolerate a man who wasted money on wagers, and she would simply beg him to not make it a favorite pastime of his if it were new.

On one hand, he didn’t owe her anything.

He didn’t owe telling her he was a horse racing addict, or owe it to her to give it up.

But on the other hand, they were so open with each other about everything.

All in all, it was quite concerning that he was being evasive during this key moment between them.

Victor bowed his head as if feeling defeated. “I’ve been doing it for nearly twenty years.”

She couldn’t help it. She gasped and her hand flew up to her heart.

His mouth pressed into a tight line as he considered what to say. “It isn’t what it sounds like. You must trust me on that.”

“You are everything to me,” she said on a sob, her heart shattering as the words came out. “But I cannot say what you wish me to. Not after all of that.”

Victor’s grip on her hands tightened, as if she were pulling away and he refused to let her go. “Blast it all, Anne. Why not?”

She wanted to fall to the floor with him.

She wanted to be in his embrace. She wanted to hold him, to love him, to kiss him whenever she wished, to stay up all night with him.

That was what she wanted right now. But thinking about forever, intertwined legally?

It didn’t lift warmth within her as it should have. It terrified her.

Anne lowered herself down to be level with him.

She attempted a smile, but it was too shaky.

“What if we take a few steps back? I went into this summer seeking out a brief, silly liaison. I wanted companionship, nothing permanent that could put me at risk. We could be lovers, Victor, but that’s all I’m willing to do.

If we are married—well, I won’t be a good wife for you.

I cannot commit myself to the role. You must understand that. ”

Victor’s face, his eyes, immediately shuttered. That raw desperation as he’d begged on his knees for her to love him, it wiped from his face.

The sudden and severe change made her feel sick, as if this went against nature itself.

Victor rose to his feet and looked down at her still on the ground. “That’s what you want from me? A brief liaison ? I cannot agree to such an arrangement.”

Anne clambered up to her feet. “Why not? Do I not appeal to you?”

“ Of course you appeal to me,” he said in a sharp voice. “But while you have your own fears, I have mine as well.”

Anne frowned. What could he possibly be afraid of? “What is your fear?”

“Children.” The word came down like a gavel.

“Victor, there are ways to prevent that—”

“No. You don’t seem to understand. There is no way to completely prevent it from happening.

I went through hell keeping my brothers safe when we were younger.

I cannot handle the nerves of being responsible for my own flesh and blood.

I may be in a better place now, but the fear of losing everything, of going without, will haunt me until my last breath. ”

Anne shook her head. “Then what did you do before?”

Victor clenched his jaw but didn’t respond.

Anne lifted an eyebrow. “Victor, what have you done before with other women if you’re so worried about it? We could always do that, whatever it was.”

His jaw still set tightly, he looked over at the empty fireplace and his eyes seemed to glimmer with shame.

Suddenly, it hit Anne. Her mouth fell open before she quickly regained control of it. “You’ve never been with a woman. You’re inexperienced.”

He rubbed a hand over his black beard and went over to the fireplace, his back toward her. He pressed a hand to the mantel and leaned into it. “Do not ever say that to me again.”

It shouldn’t have, she knew it shouldn’t have, but for some reason, this unexpected revelation only made her fall in love with him more. She didn’t think it was embarrassing, or bad, or anything to be ashamed of, like he seemed to think. “Victor—”

His voice darkened. “If it’s passion you seek, you should find it someone else.”

Sick despair began to rise. “But—”

“Your Phantom, your secret admirer—go chase after him instead.” Victor turned his face so she couldn’t see it. “You said you shared passion with him . Go seek him out, then.”

Anne growled—growled!—with frustration. “That was you , you big idiot!”

Victor spun around, his face stark white and his eyes as wide as saucers.

She stormed up to him. Now she was mad. “ You’re the Phantom. You’re my secret admirer. Not someone else!”

Victor inhaled sharply through his nose. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She scoffed. “So that’s how it’s going to be? You follow me around all summer, you tempt me beneath the willow tree, kiss me as if you were about to take me to bed, then skip off because I don’t like gambling?”

“How?” Victor asked in a whisper. He pulled away from the mantel. “How did you know it was me?”

Anne rolled her eyes. “Wearing a mask and costume can only hide your identity for so long, Victor. I know you far too well for that.”

He swallowed. “How long have you known?”

“I briefly suspected you in the beginning but brushed it off. Throughout the summer, my suspicion would come and go, but I was never fully sure until we were under the willow tree.”

Victor’s face reddened and he looked away.

“I knew it was you when we did that,” she said gently. It was clear this was an uncomfortable subject for him. “I kissed you knowing it was you, Victor. I lay on the ground with you, knowing it was you.”

He didn’t respond.

“You drew those beautiful pictures for me. I didn’t even know you could draw.”

“No one knows,” he replied, still unable to look her in the eye.

“But you’re so incredibly talented. Why not?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “It started out as something to do in my spare time. And then as I got better at it, I didn’t want anyone to see what I had created. It was only for me, I suppose. Until I shared it with you.”

“Oh, Victor.” Anne sighed and took a cautious step toward him.

But he moved away.

Despite the fact that it was a small movement, it felt as if the ground beneath them had shifted.

They had come together tonight to discuss what, exactly, was happening between them.

And she had to make sure he fully understood she would not take on the role of his wife if they were, in fact, married.

But this moment was supposed to move them forward to something, not pull them apart, as it seemed to be doing.

And with the way he had put walls up around him, it felt more like she was speaking to a stranger.

“Don’t you want to share more with me?” she asked. “You felt that passion between us that night—I know you did. I felt it, too. It was as if we were on fire. I’ve never wanted, needed , so badly in my life before. Don’t you want to be with me?”

Victor straightened away from the mantel and cleared his throat.

“We are seeking two different things, Anne. You wish for a few tumbles in the sheets, which is something I cannot offer you. I wish us to love each other until our dying days, to spend our life together whether or not we’ve already married, but you cannot offer that to me.

I suppose, then, there is no use in furthering this discussion, as it only complicates the matter and hurts feelings.

You could be my wife on paper, but you will never truly be that to me. ”

The man was maddening! What, so he was just going to shut her out, then?

“So, you want to be married me, but you’d never go to bed with me, your wife?

Is that what you’re saying? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard you say.

” She didn’t care to hear what his response would be to this, so instead of waiting for one, she stormed out of the room.