Page 34

H umans might have been known from the beginning of time to make mistakes, and it has come to be accepted as part of human nature.

As the Laird of Clan Muir, Campbell had come to realize that he could not afford to make mistakes. As soon as he had assumed the lairdship at a young age, he realized with every passing year that any mistake he made came with heavy consequences.

A single mistake on the battlefield could cost him the lives of several good men, and an act of negligence here and there could easily condemn his clan to death by starvation. He had become aware of his responsibility to his clan very early on, and he took it very seriously.

Throughout the years spent fighting at the borders, he had honed his skills; it was the only way he had survived those gruesome battles intact.

After so many years of those battles, he had come to count on his razor-sharp focus to protect his loved ones. It was ironic that in just the split second he was distracted, the twins were lost.

Perhaps he had been too confident in his ability to protect them—this new precious family he had created—that he had exposed them to danger.

The twins had to be found; they just had to be. If they were forever lost, he would never forgive himself. Not even if Mabel forgave him.

Perhaps he was weak just like his father. Too weak to protect even the little family that fate had benevolently blessed him with. He had failed his brother. In his life, he could not afford to fail the twins as well. He would search the ends of the earth if he had to.

“Ye dinnae understand, lass,” he said in a low, tortured whisper, the shame and guilt constricting his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe. “Fate gave me a second chance, and I squandered it.” He hung his head.

“A second chance?” Mabel echoed. She sat up while still holding his hands and gave them a comforting squeeze. “This isnae yer fault. The lads are just as active as other lads their age. Ye cannae have control how far they wander while they are on their adventures.”

“That might be true, lass, and if I were someone else, that excuse might be enough. But I have already failed at this once—it is unforgivable. I already failed me braither once, and now I have allowed his bairns to be taken under me watch.”

When she just stared at him with a confused frown, he adjusted his position on the bed and curled his fingers around her hand.

“I dinnae think me braither will forgive me again. I did nothing when me dastardly grandfaither took him from us?—”

“Ye were nothing more than a bairn back then,” Mabel interjected.

“I was, but I didnae look for him when I was older, when I could no longer use the weakness of childhood as an excuse. I came up with a new excuse then, that I needed to stay back to fight our enemies and establish me position as Laird,” he said with a bitter smile. “But that wasnae the whole truth.”

He lifted his eyes to hers. The pain and guilt in them were too painful to watch. Mabel could do nothing else other than squeeze his hand and wait.

“I think in some foolish part of me mind, I resented him.

I thought he was lucky to enjoy the warmth of our maither while I endured the strict life that our faither forced on me.

I thought it was better that he enjoyed his perfect life.

I didnae want to face him until I had become a powerful laird and I could prove that I had turned out as good as him—even better.

“Muir might nae be as impressive as McCormick, but I wanted to make sure it becomes the envy of everyone. I was too consumed by petty jealousy that I allowed time to pass. Years went by, and I made nay effort to find me braither. I had imagined him enjoying a perfect life in McCormick Castle, and thought whenever I was ready, I could go there and introduce meself as his elder braither—an admirable one at that.”

A dark chuckle escaped his lips. The sound was too painful to hear.

“That thought was turned on its head when one day, I received a missive from him. Apparently, he had found out about me from our maither’s old letters and thought it best to make contact with me.

He told me that he had eloped with a maid.

At first, I was alarmed that he would be so reckless as to do something that could amount to social suicide.

However, he hinted that life at McCormick Castle wasnae as rosy as I had thought, and that love wasnae his only reason for wanting to flee from his supposed inheritance.

“He sounded happy in the letter, and I was happy for that small mercy. I still wasnae comfortable with the thought that I might have abandoned me braither to suffer, so I asked Magnus to investigate him and his whereabouts in the last two decades of his life. What I discovered was so shocking that it turned everything I thought I kenned on its head. I had thought wrong.”

He paused, swallowing hard.

“Apparently, after me maither died and there was nay one to protect him, me grandfaither tried to turn him into a version of himself—calculating and cruel enough to be the future Laird McCormick, because Grandfaither believes that a laird has to be cold and calculating enough to do what is required. I dinnae ken why I was surprised. The man was quite happy to separate an infant from his parents simply because he wanted an heir, despite his only daughter’s pleas.

He threatened to squash Clan Muir with his army. ”

“I dinnae ken how I forgot about his character. I dinnae ken why I thought me braither was enjoying a perfect life with him. Now that I think about it, me resentment must have blinded me.”

He rubbed a hand down his face and then twisted his fingers into his already tousled hair.

“Well, Aiden didnae take well to his training because, ye see, me braither was more like me maither than I was aware of.

He was kind and compassionate—hardly suitable traits for the kind of laird me grandfaither wanted.

As ye can imagine, Grandfaither was furious and tried to force him to obey by locking him up sometimes, denying him meals at other times because he wanted him to become ‘strong.’

“Eventually, Aiden found a way out of the castle. He bided his time, gathering all the money he could, then escaped, sleeping in inns along the way until he ended up in MacLennan lands. He used his love and knowledge of horses to find work as a stablehand at the castle, before he fell in love with yer maid, Layla.”

He gave a rueful smile.

“When Magnus reported everything back to me, I was ashamed that I had allowed me petty emotions to stand in the way of me building a good relationship with me only braither.

But even then, I couldnae bring meself to seek him out.

I allowed me guilt to hold me back. I didnae think he would want to see me, when I had done nothing to help him in the past. And frankly, I was too ashamed to face him.

“So I retreated like a coward. I wished him well in a letter and asked Magnus to keep an ear to the ground for any news about him.

I told meself that I had done the right thing.

By the time I repeated it to meself several times, I believed it.

I went back to living me life as usual, secure in the thought that me braither was happy. Until that day.

“I can still remember how the day began.

I performed me ablutions, sparred with me warriors, and ate the usual fare like I did every single day.

But before the end of the day, nothing was the same anymore.

When I close me eyes, I can still see Magnus running into the courtyard and calling for me attention urgently.

“I remember dropping me sword to follow him into the castle, me concern growing when he refused to tell me anything until I was sitting behind me desk in the study.

It was only then that he broke the news.

He told me how he had just received news that Aiden, me only braither, was killed, along with his wife, in a carriage accident, and that he had already sent people to bring their bodies back home.

“I remember sitting alone in me study for hours after that discussion, unable to accept that I was now completely alone in the world. I might have grown up alone, but there was this comfort in kennin’ that one had family somewhere in the world, and now even that small blood tie was lost. Somehow, I couldnae shake the feeling that I was at fault.

Perhaps if I had invited him home and hadnae let him roam the Highlands, he might still be alive.

I should have pushed me petty feelings aside and done what was best to protect him. I felt hopeless and guilty.

“Growing up the way I did, I was used to pain and suffering, but the pain of me braither’s death was nothing in comparison.

It was too much for me. I could barely breathe, so I turned to the bottle in the hope of dulling the pain, of making it bearable.

But it hardly worked, so I drank even more, hoping that I would feel like meself again.

I locked meself in me study and drank, dozing off only to wake up again to face me painful reality.

“Until I woke up to someone banging on the door. I was angry at the intruder, for his knock was making me hangover worse. But I still stood up to open the door when the knocking hadn’t ceased. Turned out it was Magnus, telling me that it had already been two days. I needed to get up and live.

“I had nay motivation to move forward until Magnus informed me about the twins and their need for a home. They were the wake-up call I needed. I sobered up almost immediately and hastened to dress to follow him out of the castle. Perhaps that was part of the reason the boys didnae take well to me at the first meeting. I reeked of alcohol.”

His eyes clouded over with the memory.

“How naughty of ye,” Mabel said, smiling through the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“The lads gave new meaning to me life. I was suddenly filled with the need to give them everything that I wasnae able to give their faither.”

“Ye have done that and more, Cam,” she said quietly.

“Nay, I failed to protect them; that was the least thing I owed them. This is the reason why I cannae have bairns of me own. Connor will inherit the lairdship when I die. I am nae capable of protecting anyone. Aiden died such a painful death because I didnae protect him.”

“Ye are powerful, Cam, but ye arenae God. Ye dinnae have the power to predict a carriage accident.”

“Perhaps they wouldnae have had to travel around all the time if they stayed here.”

“Ye cannae be so sure. Yer braither’s death isnae yer fault.

That isnae a good reason to refuse to have children of yer own.

Ye were a child when Aiden was taken from ye; there was nothing ye could have done.

I love the twins, and I am happy to be a maither to them, only if ye still dinnae want bairns of yer own in the future.

But I willnae have ye blame yerself. I willnae sit by and allow ye to deny yer innermost desires because of some misplaced guilt,” she said, cradling his face and caressing his cheek.

Campbell leaned into the softness of her touch, using his hold on her hand to pull her to him to take her lips in a languorous kiss, enjoying the warmth of her sweet mouth and how it brought a sense of peace to his mind.

He did not believe that he was innocent of his brother’s misfortunes, but at least now, while he kissed her, he felt more human and less like the incompetent fool that he was.

He broke the kiss reluctantly, staring down into her shining eyes, and not for the first time, he wished he were half the man she thought he was. She smiled at him, and he felt even more unworthy.

“I love ye,” she said, beaming at him like she had not just turned his whole world on its head with that simple phrase.

The fact that this beautiful, perfect lass, whom he had the luck of calling his wife, thought herself in love with him was unbelievable.

He had always known he was not worthy of her. He had resigned himself to the honor of calling her his wife. He had never expected to love her. How could he expect her to fall in love with the scarred beast he was? Even now, his cold, dark heart was not worthy to be presented to her.

“I cannae,” he choked out, feeling even more like a cur as he said the words “I?—”

“Ye dinnae have to say it back, me love,” Mabel said with a reassuring smile. “I dinnae expect ye to love me back immediately. I just want ye to hold me in ye arms. I feel safest there.”

So Campbell did just that: cradling his wife in his arms.

He carried her to the rug close to the hearth, and they lay there in silence.

He stared at the fire as it consumed the wood, hoping that he could find some clue about the twins’ location, but the fire gave no answer, just reminders that even achingly beautiful things could be dangerous.