Page 19 of A Curvy Wonderland (A Curvy Girl Christmas #3)

19

ELDAN

T he last few days had been torture, knowing I messed everything up with Holly because of my fears. I’d put a lot of thought into what I could do to make it right, but ultimately, Holly could say no. She could be done with me because of how I’d behaved—and I wouldn’t blame her at all.

Nerves ricocheted through my system as I watched her read the one ornament I’d made for myself.

I wish for a second chance with Holly. - Eldan

She looked up at me, her dark brown eyes speaking volumes to her emotions. Doubt, worry, disappointment, something that looked like hope… How amazing, that she could pour her feelings into a simple look while I fought to keep myself protected, private.

“About us...” she began, but my heart squeezed at the thought of her saying no without me getting to truly apologize. So I held up my hand, hoping for a second to gather my thoughts and speak.

She fell silent, waiting while I took a deep breath. Then, the words came out of me slowly, careful and raw. “One thing about being adopted is that there will be a part of me, always, that worries once someone truly gets to know me, they'll leave.”

The confession put me under the microscope, showing my weakest points. I forced myself to hold her gaze, even though the compassion, the understanding, nearly undid me.

After a deep breath, I continued, “So that night, when I kissed you, I felt like we were getting closer. And the next morning, when you didn't come back, my mind imagined the worst. That you saw more of who I really was and didn't like it.”

I tried to keep my voice steady, but it broke on the last sentence, showing just how awful my thoughts had been that morning. How the pain in my chest made me want to curl up in my bed and hide away.

“I pushed you away when you texted because in my mind you had already left,” I explained. “And I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I know it wasn't right to cut you out like that, and I'm going to work through it—I already have an appointment set with our family counselor for after Christmas—but I thought you should know that you didn't do anything wrong. I did. I'm sorry.”

I watched her, trying to judge her reaction. I’d put all of myself out there for someone who wasn’t a friend I’d known for years or my parents who loved me no matter what. And I felt like an open target, and her words a quiver of arrows waiting to be thrown without her lifting a finger.

She reached up, pressing the corners of her eyes like she was holding back tears.

My heart squeezed even more at the sadness I saw on her face. I continued speaking, saying, “I can't promise I won't mess up again, or won’t be my usually grumpy self”—she cracked a watery smile at that—"but I can promise that I will keep trying to improve. I don't want this, you and me, to end with Christmas.”

There it was. All of me out in the open. I had no more to say. No more to give. I’d already given her all of myself, my painful past, my fears, my hopes that felt just as scary to feel, much less say out loud.

Holly blinked back her tears and said, “I thought I was a bad kisser or something.”

I had to let out a chuckle at that. “You are not a bad kisser. Although I certainly wouldn’t mind more practice.”

That had her giggling, a sweet sound that made me float like the snowflakes starting to drift slowly toward the ground. But instead of kissing me, she smiled and gave me a hug. “You don't need to be afraid,” she said. “I can give you space if you need—just talk to me about what's going on if it happens again so I won’t take it personally.”

“You’re perfect, Holly,” I said, my voice almost a whisper. “You never did anything wrong.”

She smiled slightly. “Really? I might need that reminder.”

My lips spread into a smile. “Get ready.”

“For what?” she asked.

I held up my finger, getting out my phone. After a moment, she got her phone out of her purse. “Sorry.”

Then she grinned at my text.

Eldan: Just reminding you. ;)

She laughed, the sound so contagious, I had to chuckle too. I found laughing was getting easier and easier around her. I reached for her hand, and she laced her fingers easily through mine. The connection was warm, safe, and this feeling in my chest? There was fear, yes, but also excitement. It blended into something that had my heart racing, soaring. “Come with me,” I said.

“Where are we going?”

We reached the end of the stand of trees, and at the end of the driveway, and I answered her question just as Rudolph’s sleigh came into view. “We’re going on our first date.”