Page 57 of A Clean Sweep

'Aye, but you're a wee devil for 'no telling me about your man sooner,' scolded Kirsty good-naturedly.

That had been an interesting Skype chat three months earlier, with Kirsty shrieking like a madwoman to the point her husband Dave rushed in fearing some medical emergency.

He dutifully fetched a hefty glass of Springbank and she toasted Emily and Joe, who she'd demanded step into view of the camera and went a vivid shade of crimson when Kirsty pronounced him 'well braw'.

Dave appeared next to his wife and gave Emily a kiss on each cheek.

'Looking a knock-out as always, Em,' he said before slinging his arm around Kirsty's shoulder.

'And this one doesn't scrub up too badly either!

' With mock exasperation Kirsty nudged him in the ribs.

'Less of your cheek, Dave, or I'll be trading ?you in for a younger model!

Has Joe got a dishy brother by any chance? '

It was time for the ceremony to begin. As neither Joe nor Emily were particularly religious, they’d opted for a secular service with an officiant recommended to them by Rosemary at Where the Hearth Is.

They’d written their own vows which had caused a great deal of hilarity.

Emily was adamant there was no way Joe was going to ‘promise to be with you through the toughest trials in our live and cry with you. Except when you’re sobbing at some sappy soap opera storyline.

Then, you’re on your own.’ Equally, Joe put his foot down at Emily’s pledge to ‘learn how to check the oil in my car and master the offside rule. Actually, forget that one. Ain’t gonna happen.

’ They’d settled for a simple declaration of their lasting love for each other no matter what life threw at them.

Till death did them part. The traditional ending had sent a little tremor of fear down Emily’s spine.

With their age gap, wasn’t it more than likely she’d be the one to die first?

Completely understanding her concern, Joe had kissed her tenderly before reminding her of the famous Joan Collins quote.

‘When she was asked about the thirty-two-year gap between her and her younger husband, she simply replied, “If he dies, he dies.” There are no guarantees, Emily. But I’m in it for the long haul. You won’t get rid of me that easily!’

Stood together at the front, Emily and Joe faced the officiant, a kindly faced man in his mid-sixties called Andrew Black.

They’d met him a couple of times beforehand to discuss the proceedings, united in their desire to keep things simple.

She’d already done the full-blown wedding thing and Joe was happy to go along with her wishes.

He’d confided in her about Caitlin, how he’d thought she might be The One .

‘There I was, imagining some exotic location. White sandy beach, awesome seafood banquet, hot and cold running waiters. When, the truth was, all I needed was the right person. And I’ve found her.’

Tabitha was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, aware of other sniffling sounds around her.

And not just the women. Steve – sitting to her right with Meryl – looked distinctly misty-eyed.

Even her normally wise-cracking and wonderfully manly Adam had produced a hankie, although he’d mumbled something about a ‘dodgy contact lens’. Yeah, right.

‘I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.’ As she had no veil to lift, Joe simply took her in his arms and kissed her. Thoroughly and expertly, only coming up for air when some wag at the back yelled, ‘Oi, get a room!’

It was official. They were married. Mr and Mrs McKenzie.

Emily pinched herself hard on the fleshy part below her thumb.

Ouch! No, it wasn’t a dream. Or, rather, it was but a real-life, wide awake, this has actually happened, one.

Who could have imagined all those months ago that a dead pigeon could have led to this?

‘Are you all right, Em?’ Joe’s words shook her out of her reverie.

She rubbed the still-throbbing piece of skin before taking his outstretched hand.

Those strong, capable fingers, always immaculately clean.

She felt the warmth of his touch, the now-so-familiar yet always electrifying sensation of making physical contact.

Mrs Emily McKenzie. Without a doubt, the happiest woman on the planet.

Turning to face their friends and family, Emily was aware of Adam gesturing to Mr Black, who scuttled off to the side. A split-second later, something burst out over the loudspeakers.

‘ De -de-de-de-de, De -de-de-de-de, De , boom, boom, boom… Congratulations, and celebrations…’

To loud whoops and applause, Emily and Joe made their way towards the exit, serenaded by Cliff Richard in his heyday. Passing Adam and Tabitha she attempted a frown but the moment was so surreal, so totally bonkers it somehow felt right .

‘It was his idea, honest, Mum,’ hissed Tabitha as Emily kissed her before passing her the posy of flowers. ‘Wait, aren’t you supposed to throw those outside, and whoever catches them is next down the aisle?’

Emily patted her indulgently on the cheek before moving off. Her parting shot was aimed at Adam. ‘Thought I wouldn’t leave it to chance, darling. And, don’t worry, Adam. Revenge will be mine. Maybe a little “I Should Be So Lucky”? ’

Leaving Tabitha clutching the flowers and blushing profusely, Emily and Joe made their way to the car, now festooned with a Just Married sign. Liberally covered in confetti, they clambered in and headed into town.

The reception was at Bar Belle. They’d negotiated a good deal on a delicious buffet and free-flowing champagne, wine, beers and soft drinks.

Tabitha had taken charge of the organisation and decoration.

All the tables had silver and gold heart-shaped balloons as their centrepiece, and Meryl had sourced some flame-shaped place cards bearing everyone’s name.

Adam had sorted out a DJ and a small area had been cleared as a dance floor.

He’d promised – hand on heart – to play at least a few Abba tracks but any more Cliff Richard and he was a dead man.

‘Grand do, Mrs Hardwick. I mean, Mrs McKenzie. Kind of you to invite me. Not often I get out of an evening these days. Not since before the missus passed away and we had our weekly trips to the bingo.’

It was Ken Crompton, the car mechanic who’d kept Hamish roadworthy over the years.

She hadn’t really meant to invite him. She’d just felt sorry for him when she took her beloved Mini in for a service and spotted his supermarket bag stacked with unappetizing ready meals for one.

Maybe Tabitha could fix him up with someone.

Although that someone would need a sense of humour bypass and intimate knowledge of axles and brake pads.

Before she could get embroiled in deep conversation about sprockets and suspensions, Joe appeared by her side. He’d discarded his jacket and taken off his tie. He proffered a glass of champagne which Emily gratefully accepted and nearly downed in one.

‘Steady on, Em! We’ve still got the whole reception to get through. Unless you’re drowning your sorrows, having realised you married the wrong man. ’

He winked at Ken, who was munching on a mini cheeseburger, waitresses circulating now with plates of nibbles. Narrowly avoiding spearing his upper lip with the cocktail stick, he muttered something about needing a beer and shuffled off.

Several hours later and the party was winding down.

There’d been laughter, music and a fair bit of dancing.

Meryl had persuaded Steve to bust some moves Abba-style and Adam had raised temperatures performing a steamy Argentine tango with Tabitha.

Despite having two left feet, she’d managed to follow his lead and avoid falling on her bottom.

Emily and Joe had taken to the floor for the first dance.

‘Top Of The World’ by The Carpenters. Joe had insisted upon it after hearing about a rowdy school trip when Emily was fifteen which involved sneaky cigarettes, stolen kisses with young Italian studs and a burnt nightie ditched in a bin in the centre of Rome.

‘You little devil!’ he’d exclaimed. ‘But I’m not sure where the squeaky-clean Carpenters come into all this debauchery.’

Emily had explained that a Carpenters tape was all their coach driver had, hence the reason she knew every one of their songs off by heart.

‘That was probably my favourite. It still takes me back if I hear it on the radio. And I thought the lyrics were beautiful. I still do.’

Which was why they twirled and whirled around the floor, lost in the moment, as the song played: ‘ Everything I want the world to be, Is now comin’ true especially for me. And the reason is clear, it’s because you are here. You’re the nearest thing to heaven that I’ve seen .’

It was time to leave. They had both changed into casual clothes and a taxi would pick them up in minutes to take them to the airport. Ten days in Mauritius lay ahead. Joe would get his pristine beach and breath-taking sunsets, but this time he knew it would be with his perfect match.

Saying their farewells, Emily found herself swept into hug after hug.

Her darling Tabitha and the delightful Adam.

Meryl and Steve. Celeste and Michael. Even Sophie gave her an unexpectedly heartfelt embrace.

Susan and Jonathan had left a little earlier, both thanking her profusely for a wonderful day and with promises to meet up soon.

Surveying all the friends and family around them, Emily marvelled again at the difference a year or so could make.

Life could be cruel but, right now, all she could see was a great, big bubble of joy.

Speaking of bubbles of joy, here was the effervescent Kirsty, who wasn’t so much a ‘glass half-full’ girl but a ‘bring on the next one.’

‘I’m so happy you could make it, Kirsty.’ Emily swiped away a stray tear as she wrapped herself around her friend. ‘I just wish we had more time together. We’ll have to visit you in Oz one day soon.’

‘Och, Em, I widnae have missed this for the world! Didn’t I always say, Dave, that this one was destined to get snapped up sooner or later? But a hunk like Joe? You really are a wee jobby!’ Dave duly nodded in embarrassed agreement, just as someone called out that the taxi was waiting.

As Joe approached Emily, ready to embark on their honeymoon and all that lay ahead in their life together, his handsome face said it all. Happiness radiated from him more effectively than the heat from any state-of-the-art fireplace.

‘All set, my beautiful wife? Your carriage awaits.’

Yes , thought Emily. I’m all set.