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“You want to try to make it work?”

“I don’t see why not…”

“Ah, sweetheart, do you think you’d be content with a long-distance thing? I could only spare about one weekend a month to come to see you, and you’ll be too busy to visit me more than once a month… fooling around over the internet will lose its luster by Christmas. I know you now. You want to be touched.” Delia illustrated by pinning Helena to the mattress and rolling on top of her, teeth grazing Helena’s skin as she unexpectedly giggled. “Over and over until you smell like someone else.”

So what if that was true?

“If we spent time apart like that, you’d be unhappy. Unhappier than me. I couldn’t do that to you,” Delia confessed. “Not unless I permitted you to fool around with someone else. Probably someone from your class, and where would I be? Unable to watch!”

“You could fool around with someone else too…”

“And not have you watch? That doesn’t sound fun anymore.”

Helena bit her lip. “We could find some unsuspecting types and spring on them that we’re watching each other get it on over video chat. I bet they’d love that.”

“I can see it now. The entertainment would be in the screams of disbelief.”

They both laughed, which set Helena somewhat at ease. Who else would make these jokes with me and not take them seriously? Even if Helena was half-serious.

“You sure you like me for me?” Delia asked. “Not just because of my pocketbook and skills in the sack?”

“Those two things are what drew me to you. But yeah, I think we get along pretty well. You sure as hell can’t stop touching me.”

“Because I know how much you like it. You melt like chocolate in my hand.”

“One touch and all I want is for you to fuck me.”

“They have words for that, you know.”

Don’t get too wrapped up in it… Helena never thought it possible to fall in love during her gap year, no matter how many people she met, but here she was, courting thoughts that had seemed impossible only a short while ago.

She’d rather kiss Delia than think about it anyway.

“I don’t recall seeing that on your list,” Delia purred between kisses. “Finding yourself a sugar mama for while you’re in college… taunting her with your amazing body while we’re so far apart…”

“Some things don’t show up in the list until I think of them, you know.”

“My only regret is that I can’t make all of your dreams come true in one year.”

“Come on, you’ve gotta have some things to look forward to, right? So what if I don’t get the auction experience because I’m sort of busy being in a relationship?”

“So what, indeed?”

Helena could hardly believe her good fortune as she returned to her rental the next day after Delia went off to work. She surveyed her few things, sizing up how they should be packed before telling her roommate that she’d be out by Saturday evening. The other girl said hardly a word other than to give a couple of instructions about the key and to ensure everything was cleaned properly. Helena was already contemplating what to sell online or mail back home when she had another thought.

My luggage…

Fitting everything into her Louis Vuitton bags wouldn’t be difficult. She had such a perfect system by now that she even knew how to hide her biggest valuables so even she could hardly find them when unpacking.

And her valuables were sentimental only. A charm bracelet from her mother. Her T-shirt for winning the state soccer championship. Lingerie from Irene. A floral barrette made of koa that Josh bought when they visited Honolulu.

A handwritten love letter from Mr. Smith, confessing his feelings for Helena and lamenting how deplorable it made him feel – but it wouldn’t stop him from giving in.

She had treasured the letter much like she held on to the luggage bought with Irene’s credit card. Helena reread it after her sexual triumphs and when she went through a slump, rejected by everyone she came into contact with while in a new city. It reminded her that she was desirable. Valuable.

When she laid out her treasures like this, she felt cheap.

I can give my body away every night for a year and not feel a bad thing about it. This, though… these mementos from some of the most toxic people she knew, the ones who had hardened her into a young woman who chased after dangerous pleasures and pushed away anyone with a meaningful word, hit her in the soul. They defined who she was even when she minded her business in a coffee shop or bought tampons from the drug store. They had ingrained themselves into her sinew and rode through her bloodstream until they were as much a part of her and her history as she was a part of herself.