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My brain replays the scene from a few months ago in the clinic. Bex said almost the same thing. I wait for her to interject, but she’s chewing on her lip with a conflicted expression.
“It’s true, Willow. Your defense mechanism is closing off the people who love you. We know you’re hurting, and none of us knows how to help. Chase and Sterling feel helpless, and your grandparents are beside themselves. Rowan, Jewls, and Harley are staying busy, but it hasn’t gone unnoticed how you’ve distanced yourself. Using studying as an excuse hasn’t convinced anyone.”
April’s words come crashing back into me.
“… would be pissed knowing you’re wallowing away in his room and not leaning on the people who care about you.”
Apparently, I suck at leaning on people.
My eyes burn and I’m powerless to what’s coming over me. The false bravado I’ve held on to since that morning crumbles and the tears trickle down my cheeks.
“I’m worried, so scared it’s eating at me. But worse, I’m furious with myself for pushing him away that first month, and at the same time, I’m at war for getting involved in the first place. He is all I predicted—dark, dangerous, mysterious, edgy. He’s kind, generous, affectionate, loving. He’s absolutely everything. He didn’t hesitate to put his life on the line because it’s the kind of man he is. I knew he’d destroy me. And that’s what this feels like. There is a hollow hole in my chest that yearns just to hear his voice.
“Want to hear more about my pitiable life choices? Every morning and night, I call his cell and listen to his voicemail. The phone is sitting God knows where, maybe in a locker somewhere with the rest of his personal belongings. But like clockwork, twice a day, it receives my call. And don’t get me started on his room. I refuse to wash his clothes or the sheets. It’s my imagination, but the scent of him still remains.”
“Why don’t you come stay with me tonight? We’ll call and listen to his voicemail together,” Bex offers with her own tears brewing.
“What about Chase and Wyatt?”
“They’ll understand me staying at my apartment for a few days.”
“No, absolutely not. I’m not taking that away from them or you. The last thing I need on my conscience is the shame of splitting y’all up and confusing Wyatt.”
“Maybe we can stay at Chase’s?”
I bark out a sadistic laugh and wave at myself. “I can’t traumatize my nephew. One look and he’ll know something is wrong.”
“Well, let’s go by Rendezvous and have Rowan give us a day of beauty. He’ll never know.”
“Nice way of saying I look like shit, Bex.”
“Not at all, you are always stunning, even in emotional agony. Rowan would love to see us, and it would be good for you.”
“No.”
“Then I’m coming to stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch or in one of the spare rooms. But you’re not spending tonight alone. And the first thing I’m doing is feeding you a fucking real meal,” Lucas snipes.
I stare at him, another of my lingering thoughts rearing up. “You can’t stay here. It’s not my house or my place to invite people.”
“Well, fuck, Willow! What do you suggest? Are you going to force me to load you up and take you to my place? We’re not leaving you here alone another night like this.”
I take a quick step back, shocked at his outburst. Lucas has never raised his voice. It’s then I clearly see the worry and struggle on his face.
More tears fall as I go to him, curling to his side. “You have a one-bedroom bachelor pad.”
“You can have the bed.”
I try not to cringe, imagining what’s happened in that bed. “Um, thanks but not an option. Your bed is… yours.” It’s a lame excuse, but it’s the only thing that comes to mind.
Bex snorts and Lucas vibrates against me. “You two give me no credit. Despite your assumptions, the bachelor pad title stayed at the last apartment.”
My mouth drops and Bex’s eyes pop. “Really?”
“Got that shit out of my system and learned my lesson. When I moved last fall, made a pledge to keep free of that drama. And things can get messy when you bring women back to your place and they don’t want to leave.”
“Says a committed playboy.”
“Hey.” He covers his heart. “That stings. I’m a doctor now.”