Page 77

His breath caught. His eyes searched hers. “You cared about me?”

Haisley nodded. Maybe the adrenaline of the evening had crumbled her defenses. Maybe the power of her orgasms had wiped her out. Or maybe she should just blame Nash’s closeness and her own traitorous heart. Whatever the culprit, she couldn’t stop the tears stinging her eyes. “I was in love with you. And I knew if I stayed, it wouldn’t last. You would only break my heart so?—”

“Never,” he vowed, holding her close with all his gentle might. “I wouldneverhave hurt you. I was in love with you, too.”

Once, his confession would have sent her soaring with elation. Now it was crushingly bittersweet. If they had communicated more clearly… If she had been brave enough to tell him what was in her heart… If he had even whispered that she wasn’t alone in this aching tangle of feeling and need…

But none of that had happened, and when push had come to shove, Haisley had only seen one option: to run.

Her tears fell. “I had no idea.”

“I had no fucking idea how you felt, either.”

They’d consigned their unspoken feelings to the dark corners of their hearts, only daring to express them wordlessly during the blissful nights of mind-blowing sex.

Why was it she’d felt little fear when she’d found herself capturing photos of protests that quickly devolved into riots or rolling video of gang violence that had long gripped LA, but the thought of bleeding out the contents of her heart and baring her soul to this man had been utterly terrifying?

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, aching with how much she meant that. “I didn’t handle our breakup well. I assumed that you only wanted sex and?—”

“I was going to propose, Haisley. I bought you an engagement ring. I was waiting for the right moment.”

Haisley’s heart stopped—right before it broke. No… She couldn’t have heard that right. But she replayed his gruff whisper in her head, and…yeah, he’d said those words all right. Her chest threatened to cave in.

“Oh, my god. I…” She bit her lip, staring into his eyes, feeling both a stunning spark of hope and, at the same time, deep despair. “Oh, god…”

“If I had, what would you have said?” When tears rolled down her cheeks, he wiped them away with gentle thumbs. “Baby?”

Her first impulse was a resounding yes. All her adult life, she’d ached for love, for the comfort and gentle familiarity of her person, for him to be there for her, protect her, and bolster her. To lift her up during long days of life battering away at her spirit. To light her on fire with long nights of connection and pleasure. And for a few brief, shining months, she’d had that with Nash. Being with him then… She’d feared it was too good to be true.

Finally came that terrible day she had been proven right.

After that, could they really go back? The chances of finding happily ever after now seemed so unlikely. But that didn’t stop her foolish heart from yearning.

“I don’t know. I would have wanted…” Haisley stopped herself. Her trembling words served no purpose except to torment them both. And what good would it do them now for her to admit how much she would have loved to be his wife? “But I don’t think we would have lasted.”

“Why the hell would you think that?”

She bit back the terrible truth. It would do nothing but hurt him, and after all the pain she’d heaped on him tonight, Haisley refused to add more.

She snuffed out that little spark of hope and wrenched from his embrace. “I-I don’t want to talk about this. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over. It’s done. It’s?—”

“Not. I loved you.” He vaulted to his feet, his expression insistent, like he willed her to believe him. “I’m half convinced I still do.”

Her heart caught and twisted. God, how happy those words made her, even as they destroyed her. She didn’t deserve his love.

“You don’t. You missed me. I missed you so, so much while I lived in California. I went on exactly two dates in two years, and I couldn’t bring myself to let either of them touch me. I just…” Shit, she was mucking this up. “My vibrator and my memories of you got a hell of a workout. But?—”

“You haven’t had sex with anyone since me?” He sounded flabbergasted.

That probably made no sense to him because he’d apparently had a revolving door to his bed since she’d split, but she wanted to be as honest as she could. “No.”

He closed his eyes and heaved a pained sigh. “Fuck. Baby… If I had known…”

“I’m not naive. I realize you haven’t been alone. And I never expected… Why would I think that? I left you. You must have been angry.”

“Furious. And confused, not to mention heartbroken as fuck. What do we do now? You still have feelings for me. I fucking know that from the way you touch me. We can’t let what we have get away from us again.”

Nash wanted to fight for them. Some part of her loved that. Some part of her wanted to fight along with him. But it was futile, over before it had really begun. “I think it’s too late. This”—she gestured between them—“trying to revisit the past… It was a mistake. Now we have to work together, and these disappearing women?—”