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“It was a tactic often employed by my teachers. A punishment for failing at lessons. Fifteen days was my record, I think. I reached it more than once.” She looked horrified, but I had detached myself from it all enough, by this point, that I numbly kept speaking. “At some point, I guess I developed a…compulsion surrounding it. A need to control food whenever I did have plenty of it in my possession. A desire to organize and hide things, as necessary. Some for eating now, some for later.”

When her horrified silence stretched on, I hurriedly added, “I know it’s strange.”

She shook her head. “It’s not strange.” Her voice was firm. “People do what they need to do to survive.”

“Maybe. Though…I never really saw myself as trying tosurviveany of it,” I said. “More like simply meeting expectations, whatever it took.”

She was quiet for a long beat before she said, “Well, I think sometimes traumatic things look different from the inside, when you’re trying to endure them.”

The words lingered in the air between us. I had a strange desire to reach for her and pull her to my chest. Different from the lust I’d started bracing myself for whenever she was near; itwasn’t her body I craved in that moment. It was…her.All of her. I wanted her closer simply so I could feel her heartbeat against me.

I shifted where I sat, trying to find a better sense of balance.

“These are the same bastards who wouldn’t let you properly mourn your parents,” she commented.

“They were…strict.”

“They were monsters—aremonsters. Why didn’t your parents intervene in their punishments when they were still alive?” she asked. “Didn’t you have anyone to protect you?”

I didn’t need protecting, I nearly snapped.

But for some reason, I swallowed down this typical, defensive response and told her the truth instead. “My parents were sick for most of my childhood. We lived in the same palace, but I might as well have been raised in a different kingdom, for all I saw of them; the Keepers claimed it was for the best, so that I wouldn’t be a burden on the king and queen in addition to all their other obligations and ailments.”

“Aburden?”

I shrugged.

She looked as though she might combust from the effort of trying to bite her tongue on the matter. Her cheeks were bright again—a furious, bristling shade of red.

So much anger on my behalf.

It was…strange. Even stranger than her smiling at me and bringing me food.

“It’s just how things were,” I insisted. “From the time I was born, I never really knew anything else.”

She took several deep breaths through her nose. “Well, these Keeper assholes seem like the controlling type, don’t they? The type who would put an imposter on the throne if it served their plans. And maybe the type to not tell you of your true magic and power, too.”

I couldn’t deny she had a point, even if I couldn’t bring myself to admit it out loud.

“One more thing we need to sort out,” she said, as if she were making a casual to-do list.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by her nonchalant tone, I supposed—this was also the woman who had putdescend into Hellon her fucking to-do list.

Such a chaotic, beautiful little beast.

She didn’t try to force me to eat any more. We passed some time talking of theories and future plans, letting our past ghosts linger on the edges of our conversation but no longer inviting them in.

After an hour or so, we went our separate ways.

But when I returned to my room some time later, I found a pile of food neatly packaged up on a tray, waiting for me. She’d taken the time to leave notes, too, in slightly messy handwriting; one pile was labeledFor Now, while the other was labeledFor Later.

I stared at the tray for a long moment before slowly taking a piece of bread, carrying it over and sinking down onto the edge of the bed. I ate all of it while staring at the royal crest of Rivenholt that hung over the door, trying to remind myself of the warnings Zayn had given me earlier.

Think twice before getting any closer to her.

Easier said than done.

Chapter Thirty